What do I do about my somewhat controlling wife?

Not to paint her in a bad light, but my wife of 7 years (been together for 12 yrs) isn't some exaggerated version of a controlling person you see on tv or movie. However, it's got to the point I'm writing for answers here to see if others have been in my situation.

 

I work a normal full time job. 40+ hrs a week, 8-4 so basically 7-5ish out of the house. My wife is a stay at home mom with our 4 kids (two of them are in school). I come home from work and immediately every single day it's like I'm supposed to take full control watching all of them. When we've talked about that situation and how I just want a little time to myself before all the kids are thrown at me, its ended in an arguement. She's used the typical line "Your drive home and time at work was your break time." So immediately according to her I don't get "time off" since she wants some time off as soon as i get home. I can understand, watching alot of kids alone as a full time job you would want a break at the end of the day of course.

 

But it's a bit more than that. It's not like I expect her to do all household work being a stay at home mom. I will cook dinnet two or three times during the week (family breakfasts on weekends). Of course I'm helping clean, laundry, etc all that house maintenance, I'm not the type of husband to expect that work to be done all by herself but its like that feeling isn't mutual in our relationship. Once again in talks about doing housework it ends in an arguement and i get more cliche lines like "you don't do this and that because your not here all day I have to do it" like i should feel guilty for having to go to work to provide for my entire family.

 

Speaking of time to myself, thats another subject matter. We both play video games. I will admit i play more than she does. She plays WoW and I mostly play ARK (a lesser known MMO). She has no problem playing right after dinner around the 6-7-8pm hours. So that leaves me with the kids which is fine of course i want to spens time with my kids every night after work, but it feels forved with her mentality towards it. I typically start playing around 9ish - 10 after the kids go to bed. I will usually play for hour and a half or two hours about 3-4 times a week. Friday nights if we have nothing planned is her WoW raiding day and I'll watch the kids and put them to bed all that and her playing time is 8-11 sometimes midnight. Saturday nights is the same for when i play my game. Yet somehow every Saturday its a problem. I get the lecture I play too much I'm too old (30 yrs old) for Xbox. Like i said conparing hours I play more, but I play when the kids are in bed and there is nothing left to do.

 

So what about other leisure activities you may ask? I'm glad you did. Well I'm not the type of guy to go out alot amongst friends. I enjoy outings with my family if there is an opportunity to have day or night out. I'm not exaggerating I probably only go out with friends without my wife on average once a year. Most of the time its noy even once a year. And what do you think happens when I want to plan these? It ends in arguement (there's a pattern here) Most recently my brother, my dad wanted me and my oldest son to visit (only about 2 hours away) for a Friday night guys night out for my brothers birthday. I got the typical "so im supposed to watch these kids all day AND night that day" oh and its Friday so it interferes with her WoW day which made it worse.

 

Its constant situations like I've listed that has me just fed up. I've tried having talks and conversations and she tries to spin it like im some 60s husband who expects his wife to be a slave. She tries to male me feel guilty about doing things I enjoy. I love my kids and the way divorce is so biased i can't go that route. What am i to do?

My advice if it helps at all because I have never been in this type of situation would be that it sounds like you guys almost have it figured out as far as what us right for the way you guys run except you use the word typically a lot because it's understood but may e it would help if it was said out loud. Meaning actually planning days and times that are specifically "your" time, "her" time and "family" time. Just be clear that while they can be used to play video games, they aren't only for video games... then plan other things accordingly?

Tell her she can work and you'll take care of the kids and play Warcraft.

My advice is the T word: Therapy. Specifically, a therapist who specializes in couples' issues, where you can both air your issues and work them out in the space of a third party.

 

It sounds like possibly you could work out some sort of scheduling, i.e.:

--Once you walk in the door from work, you get 30 minutes of "wind-down" time to yourself, after which, you take responsibility for the kids. This way, you won't feel pulled in a million directions immediately when you come in, but your wife knows that you'll be "on the clock" soon.

--She cooks dinner 5 nights a week, you cook once, and one night is family night out. You cook weekend breakfasts & help with kids lunches.

--She does laundry and light housework during the day, and you help with heavier stuff, i.e. trash, mopping, etc., on weekends

--You each get X amount of video time per week, and you work out a schedule for that. And limit your video time to that amount, so that it's fair for you both, and for your kids. Say, 6 hours per week, divided up into XYZ schedule. No more than that.

 

**This is all just an example, but it sounds like with one person working, one person staying at home, 4 kids, and both of you actively playing video games, plus all the housework, a good bit of scheduling is in order, and I think it would really help if you could both negotiate whatever works for you both, and stick to it.

 

Speaking of all this, when is time for just you & your wife? 1-2 nights a month should be date nights, hire a babysitter, dress up & go out for dinner & a movie.

 

How's your sex life?

I agree with seeing a marriage counselor. I see her point about you coming home and wanting down time when she has been wth 2-4 kids the entire day and doesn't get ANY breaks. At the same time, she has to give too. You both need some time for yourselves, but asking for over an hour is not workable when you got kids. This should of been discussed before having more than 2 kids.

 

With 4 children and a marriage, you guys do not have time for MMO games anymore. I'm in my 30s, played FFXI/FFXIV with my husband, but I had to give up the accounts because of balancing full-time school and full-time work (and I haven't gone back to the game after I got my masters because my job takes up so much time and I'm an expecting mother). You both have time management issues in the marriage, and MMOs are the type of video game that you cannot play for just an hour or two. Find a different game to play that takes less time because you both cannot afford to continue playing them with your given situations. You got other commitments if you both agreed to raising 4 kids together.

Its constant situations like I've listed that has me just fed up.

Then stop doing what you've always done and try something else. She feels overwhelmed with looking after four children, getting them ready for school, picking them up and being the chief caregiver for most of the day. I'm sure things will calm down once they all are in school, but until then, you both have some strategizing to do rather then be barked at and made to feel resentment of one another. She feels out-of-control I would imagine and that is why she controls. Of course by your opening post, you're not a happy camper either.

 

By your accounting, what it looks like to me is that you both put more effort into your bloody games then you do your relationship as husband and wife. You are both addicted by the looks of it. (she balks at you spending time with your family because it interferes with her gaming? WTH) What would either of you do if you made a pact to not go into a game for a month. Would you both last without going bonkers? I have my doubts. How rude (I'm tempted to say 'abusive') if either of you are doing it while your children are still up and thereby ignoring them.

 

Your emotional connection to one another is at a real low. You should be thinking of ways to get back your 'partnership' rather then play games during all (or it seems) of yours and hers free time.

 

Do you still have regular sex or has that gone by the wayside as well?