Having a hard time lately with online dating

I'm the woman who was recently ghosted on by two different men. It still hurts but I'm trying to move on and meet new people. I am online and have no problem getting messages and starting conversations with people but it rarely goes anywhere. Either the men disappear after a few messages which isn't that big of a deal because I have done it too when they just don't seem interesting OR they aks me out and plan a date with me but then stop talking to me before we meet OR I get the first date and they drop off in communication and don't ask for a second date.

I have had lots of offers for hookups but I'm looking for more and make that known.

What is wrong with me? My pics are current, I am polite and engaging but I am having such bad luck. The whole process is making me feel worse about myself. I feel so ugly and like I am not even worth getting to know.

I'm the woman who was recently ghosted on by two different men. It still hurts but I'm trying to move on and meet new people. I am online and have no problem getting messages and starting conversations with people but it rarely goes anywhere. Either the men disappear after a few messages which isn't that big of a deal because I have done it too when they just don't seem interesting OR they aks me out and plan a date with me but then stop talking to me before we meet OR I get the first date and they drop off in communication and don't ask for a second date.

 

I have had lots of offers for hookups but I'm looking for more and make that known.

 

What is wrong with me? My pics are current, I am polite and engaging but I am having such bad luck. The whole process is making me feel worse about myself. I feel so ugly and like I am not even worth getting to know.

My guess is there is nothing wrong with you. Online dating seems to be shifting towards this more and more.

Your experiences might mirror a lot of others. Don't take it personally. Be patient and learn to roll with it.

There is nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately, the ease of online dating allows everyone too many choices. So, the guys who are messaging you are also messaging others, and it's literally like the kid in the candy store. There's always a shiny new object.

The sheer amount of people available to chat with actually makes it harder to make a connection.

There's a great book called "The Paradox of Choice" which explains in great detail how having too many choices can paralyze.

Keep working at it, try not to take it too personally, as it's so largely a timing thing.

Hey, I'm a guy and I can totally relate. I ended up finding someone through online dating (after years of off and on trying) but encountered a similar situation on many occurrences. I had practically given up my faith in it because it seemed like most people wouldn't even respond to messages. Out of the group who did, most of them stopped responding after a few were exchanged. I ended up meeting up with the small percentage of girls who responded, but in almost all cases, it was a one and done, we got coffee or a meal and then they never texted back - until at least I met the girl I'm currently dating. It sucks, and it can hit at the self esteem if you let it. But there's certainly nothing wrong with you, and it can work out, it's just I wouldn't put too much stock in it.

Pretty much what everyone else has said, there are too many choices and people become fickle, both sides ghosting too often, it's frustrating for everyone. Remember it's not about you, it's about two people clicking, it takes both parties, don't take it personally. If you can at least get a date know that they have liked what they have read, are interested, and are attracted to you, so I doubt your profile is an issue, you just didn't have the chemistry on the first meet. I personally think the choices make people apathetic, why work at all when you can try option B, C, D where things just might work without much effort? IMO people just expect too much on a first date.

A lot of relationships form from friendships, but with online dating people are not going to usually invest in the time getting to know someone unless it's a hit from the get go, again choices. Online dating just sucks compared to meeting people IRL, but it gives you more options, it's just another tool in the shed, but not one you should throw out.

Thank you for the responses. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard when you are already feeling low.

I had a date set for this past Wed and he flaked beforewe could meet. I had one set for tonight and when chatting with my potential date Wed night, he was acting strange and then admitted he had drank a whole bottle of wine and was drunk. I told him I didn't feel comfortable seeing him so I canceled. Yesterday, Another man asked me out and I said yes. We agreed on a place to meet tonight and I haven't heard from him since. I am not planning on it going through. I was supposed to meet a man tomorrow (Saturday). We talked last Sunday and made tentative plans but he has been very sporadic and quiet this week and hasn't mentioned us meeting so it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either!

Are 90% of men online flaky and unreliable? This keeps happening and it is very frustrating. Why ask me out in the first place?!

Also, I have several pics on my profile, face and full body but men keep asking me for more. I don't feel comfortable sending or posting more, especially when they don't offer any meaningful conversation or willingness to meet.

Ugh!

If you have sufficient pictures and they ask for more, they are often trying to bait you into sending provocative pictures and test to see how 'fun' you are.

I'll repeat: It's not you.

I've been on literally hundreds of online dates over the last 10 years. I even married one of 'em. Divorced, but that's a whole 'nother story....

I've been flaked on, stood up, told all kinds of sweet nothings. The one thing I've learned is to not trust anything until you actually are sitting across from a person, and you are having a conversation, and go from there. Everything up to that point is just b.s.

I used to engage in big long email/text exchanges, maybe even lots of phone calls, sending lots more photos. I then decided to just have one or two message exchanges, decide on a place to meet, make it really soon (like within a couple of days), and then go from there.

All the texting, phone calls, emails, site messages, pic exchanges, are just a waste of time.

I'll repeat: It's not you.

 

I've been on literally hundreds of online dates over the last 10 years. I even married one of 'em. Divorced, but that's a whole 'nother story....

 

I've been flaked on, stood up, told all kinds of sweet nothings. The one thing I've learned is to not trust anything until you actually are sitting across from a person, and you are having a conversation, and go from there. Everything up to that point is just b.s.

 

I used to engage in big long email/text exchanges, maybe even lots of phone calls, sending lots more photos. I then decided to just have one or two message exchanges, decide on a place to meet, make it really soon (like within a couple of days), and then go from there.

 

All the texting, phone calls, emails, site messages, pic exchanges, are just a waste of time.

It's pretty much true, I try to only use the messages to quick jump to meeting someone in person, I even explain to some of them that are hesitant that you cannot get a good feel for someone until meeting them, most people tend to agree and meet up. But like everyone else I have had my fair share of crap stories to crazies, wrist cutters, extremely awkward people, people still married, dates cancelled at the last minute, and catfished by another guy...

I consider myself fairly attractive, physically fit, but dating online even makes me feel less human with all the weird crap out there, I let it hit my self esteem before, you just have to shake it off an keep going. Once and while you will get burnt out, it's good to take a break now and then. Honestly dating online is like a 2nd job that only pays once in a while, but eventually you might get that big payday.

It's pretty much true, I try to only use the messages to quick jump to meeting someone in person, I even explain to some of them that are hesitant that you cannot get a good feel for someone until meeting them, most people tend to agree and meet up. But like everyone else I have had my fair share of crap stories to crazies, wrist cutters, extremely awkward people, people still married, dates cancelled at the last minute, and catfished by another guy...

 

I consider myself fairly attractive, physically fit, but dating online even makes me feel less human with all the weird crap out there, I let it hit my self esteem before, you just have to shake it off an keep going. Once and while you will get burnt out, it's good to take a break now and then. Honestly dating online is like a 2nd job that only pays once in a while, but eventually you might get that big payday.

Is it okay to suggest meeting or should I wait for them to ask? I have given a couple of men my phone number without them asking because I hate messaging via the dating app. They thanked me and said they would be in touch, but have not. Was that too bold of me?

You're getting this many dates lined up and you're feeling bad about yourself? Man. I haven't had a date in months...

Don't give out your number until you've talked a bit back and forth. Ask someone out on a date if you've chatted enough to establish a date may go well.

And stop feeling sorry for yourself. That's probably coming through in your messages.

Is it okay to suggest meeting or should I wait for them to ask? I have given a couple of men my phone number without them asking because I hate messaging via the dating app. They thanked me and said they would be in touch, but have not. Was that too bold of me?

No... if they can't or won't talk to you on the phone then they aren't worth your time. Best you find it out early. What online site are you using?

Yes, I have dates lined up but they never happened because the men disappeared before we could meet. That is why I feel bad.

I agree. I don't give my number out unless we have been chatting a bit and feel comfortable doing so.

I don't think I am coming across as needy or bitter in my messages but who knows. I am polite and engaging unless they say something derogatory and then I just tell them that I am not interested and then block them.

I was on Match earlier this year and didn't have much luck. I did meet a man I liked from there and we were seeing each other for almost 5 months. He ghosted on me last month so I was a bit turned off of Match and I couldn't really afford it anymore.

I am on OKCupid and POF currently.

Have you tried a site that isn't so geared to just dating... something like meetmarketadventures.com or meetup.com where you are signing up for an activity with other singles and you actually meet in person first and before you waist time on 'chatting' electronically?

Have you tried a site that isn't so geared to just dating... something like meetmarketadventures.com or meetup.com where you are signing up for an activity with other singles and you actually meet in person first and before you waist time on 'chatting' electronically?

I have been to a few meetup get togethers but nothing really develops. I haven't heard of the other one you mentioned. Thank you.

I wouldn't necessarily give out your number, that's just a way for people to find you or get some access to you. You can still arrange to meet in a close very public location like a coffee house assuming you are comfortable with the few messages exchanged beforehand. I think a general consensus is that if you have spent about 3 chat messages that are longer than just a couple of sentences, it's time to meet, just be mindful of your safety. I tend to do about 3 messages, 1 phone call and then a meet, again though, as someone had asked what site are you using? I used eharmony, because it is pay you get a lot more legitimate people on there, but if you are doing something like POF you might want to screen them a bit. Don't be fearful of making the first moves on communication, guys like that from time to time.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

I totally agree with all the others.

I'm in the same boat with you. I'm back on an app talking to multiple guys not investing in ANY. As LHGirl mentioned, if I don't have them sitting across me actually talking, I will not believe or invest in anything. The ones that come off strong in the beginning are the worst.

One thing I learned so far is: Trust your gut. It's never wrong. If you have to question one's motive, it's probably fake. Don't invest, don't invest, don't invest. As you are chatting to many, so are they. It's fair, it's part of the "game". Not all are a match, so the ones that flake are actually a bless. Seriously though, think of it, the ones who are flaking, were they really a good match? Like do you really miss them?

Stop thinking from their point of view and start looking at life through yours. YOU are picking them too. YOU have the power too. If you go for a guy just because he shows interest, that means you are not really into him which means it's not a good match, which will definitely lead to a break up or a flake. YOU are the center of YOUR life!

You're ego is still bruised and it may be shinning through.

"Is it okay to suggest meeting or should I wait for them to ask? I have given a couple of men my phone number without them asking because I hate messaging via the dating app. They thanked me and said they would be in touch, but have not. Was that too bold of me?"

It can go either way, but I say giving out your number when you deem that they have passed some sort of filters that you've set in your mind is fine. A number of women have given me their numbers without me asking. Sometimes I'll say "I'd love to get your number to make communication a little easier if you're comfortable with that at this point."

But look, you've probably noticed in my writing here that I'm talking about many women whom I've encountered. The world has changed. The landscape of the national dating community is completely different than it's ever been before. This society is not the "traditional" one that it used to be unless we're looking at particular communities (church, Quaker establishments, the Amish, Muslim, etc.), and so as a consequence, it is on average (needs source) more difficult to find someone to get serious with and to settle down with. In other words, Tyger, you are not alone. Embrace going from one person to another with no expectations as best you can. A suitor is in the cards somewhere.

Thanks again everyone for your advice and responses. I ended up with no dates today when I could have had two and one tomorrow which I'm assuming won't happen either since we haven't talked. Whatever. Dating certainly is different and difficult nowadays, especially online. I am going to start taking everything said to me with a grain of salt until, like you said, I am sitting across from them face to face, in the flesh!

I am a bit jaded lately with online dating so maybe I should take a break but I miss companionship and having someone to do things with.

It is true what they say, you have to have a thick skin to date online.

I was in your shoes before. Two weeks ago, I joined POF and it lasted 5 days. A lot of guy wanted to hook up with me, and I messaged only few guys. It turned out they were after me for sex so online dating wasn't worthy lol.

I was in your shoes before. Two weeks ago, I joined POF and it lasted 5 days. A lot of guy wanted to hook up with me, and I messaged only few guys. It turned out they were after me for sex so online dating wasn't worthy lol.

I am running into the same thing, cybergurl, on both sites. Sorry to hear that happened. I'm finding that either they flake on dates, message endlessly or only want a casual hookup. I am ready to delete all my online profiles and join a convent!

Yes I've been there on those dating sites with the exact same problem. Until I sent a flirt to a guy I found interesting on POF back on June 1st. I really honestly didn't think he would respond as he is very attractive. There I got a message from him. We have been dating ever since. So it happens, you just have to be patient.

Lisa

I wouldn't necessarily give out your number, that's just a way for people to find you or get some access to you. You can still arrange to meet in a close very public location like a coffee house assuming you are comfortable with the few messages exchanged beforehand. I think a general consensus is that if you have spent about 3 chat messages that are longer than just a couple of sentences, it's time to meet, just be mindful of your safety. I tend to do about 3 messages, 1 phone call and then a meet, again though, as someone had asked what site are you using? I used eharmony, because it is pay you get a lot more legitimate people on there, but if you are doing something like POF you might want to screen them a bit. Don't be fearful of making the first moves on communication, guys like that from time to time.

For safety and screening out reasons I would never meet anyone without a phone call first -even a ten minute phone call. Saved myself a lot of aggravation that way and avoided a few potentially harmful and unsafe situations.

Is it okay to suggest meeting or should I wait for them to ask? I have given a couple of men my phone number without them asking because I hate messaging via the dating app. They thanked me and said they would be in touch, but have not. Was that too bold of me?

Definitely suggest meeting and after you meet, let him ask you out on an actual date if you want to go the more traditional route.