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Thread: Having a hard time lately with online dating

  1. #1
    Tygerlyly53
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    Having a hard time lately with online dating

    I'm the woman who was recently ghosted on by two different men. It still hurts but I'm trying to move on and meet new people. I am online and have no problem getting messages and starting conversations with people but it rarely goes anywhere. Either the men disappear after a few messages which isn't that big of a deal because I have done it too when they just don't seem interesting OR they aks me out and plan a date with me but then stop talking to me before we meet OR I get the first date and they drop off in communication and don't ask for a second date.

    I have had lots of offers for hookups but I'm looking for more and make that known.

    What is wrong with me? My pics are current, I am polite and engaging but I am having such bad luck. The whole process is making me feel worse about myself. I feel so ugly and like I am not even worth getting to know.

  2. #2
    reinventmyself
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tygerlyly53 [Register to see the link]
    I'm the woman who was recently ghosted on by two different men. It still hurts but I'm trying to move on and meet new people. I am online and have no problem getting messages and starting conversations with people but it rarely goes anywhere. Either the men disappear after a few messages which isn't that big of a deal because I have done it too when they just don't seem interesting OR they aks me out and plan a date with me but then stop talking to me before we meet OR I get the first date and they drop off in communication and don't ask for a second date.

    I have had lots of offers for hookups but I'm looking for more and make that known.

    What is wrong with me? My pics are current, I am polite and engaging but I am having such bad luck. The whole process is making me feel worse about myself. I feel so ugly and like I am not even worth getting to know.
    My guess is there is nothing wrong with you. Online dating seems to be shifting towards this more and more.
    Your experiences might mirror a lot of others. Don't take it personally. Be patient and learn to roll with it.

  3. #3
    LHGirl
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    There is nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately, the ease of online dating allows everyone too many choices. So, the guys who are messaging you are also messaging others, and it's literally like the kid in the candy store. There's always a shiny new object.

    The sheer amount of people available to chat with actually makes it harder to make a connection.

    There's a great book called "The Paradox of Choice" which explains in great detail how having too many choices can paralyze.

    Keep working at it, try not to take it too personally, as it's so largely a timing thing.

  4. #4
    jdb740
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    Hey, I'm a guy and I can totally relate. I ended up finding someone through online dating (after years of off and on trying) but encountered a similar situation on many occurrences. I had practically given up my faith in it because it seemed like most people wouldn't even respond to messages. Out of the group who did, most of them stopped responding after a few were exchanged. I ended up meeting up with the small percentage of girls who responded, but in almost all cases, it was a one and done, we got coffee or a meal and then they never texted back - until at least I met the girl I'm currently dating. It sucks, and it can hit at the self esteem if you let it. But there's certainly nothing wrong with you, and it can work out, it's just I wouldn't put too much stock in it.

  5. #5
    zippitt
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    Pretty much what everyone else has said, there are too many choices and people become fickle, both sides ghosting too often, it's frustrating for everyone. Remember it's not about you, it's about two people clicking, it takes both parties, don't take it personally. If you can at least get a date know that they have liked what they have read, are interested, and are attracted to you, so I doubt your profile is an issue, you just didn't have the chemistry on the first meet. I personally think the choices make people apathetic, why work at all when you can try option B, C, D where things just might work without much effort? IMO people just expect too much on a first date.

    A lot of relationships form from friendships, but with online dating people are not going to usually invest in the time getting to know someone unless it's a hit from the get go, again choices. Online dating just sucks compared to meeting people IRL, but it gives you more options, it's just another tool in the shed, but not one you should throw out.

  6. #6
    Tygerlyly53
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    Thank you for the responses. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard when you are already feeling low.

    I had a date set for this past Wed and he flaked beforewe could meet. I had one set for tonight and when chatting with my potential date Wed night, he was acting strange and then admitted he had drank a whole bottle of wine and was drunk. I told him I didn't feel comfortable seeing him so I canceled. Yesterday, Another man asked me out and I said yes. We agreed on a place to meet tonight and I haven't heard from him since. I am not planning on it going through. I was supposed to meet a man tomorrow (Saturday). We talked last Sunday and made tentative plans but he has been very sporadic and quiet this week and hasn't mentioned us meeting so it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either!

    Are 90% of men online flaky and unreliable? This keeps happening and it is very frustrating. Why ask me out in the first place?!

    Also, I have several pics on my profile, face and full body but men keep asking me for more. I don't feel comfortable sending or posting more, especially when they don't offer any meaningful conversation or willingness to meet.

    Ugh!
    Last edited by Tygerlyly53; 07-14-2017 at 03:51 PM. Reason: Typo

  7. #7
    reinventmyself
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    If you have sufficient pictures and they ask for more, they are often trying to bait you into sending provocative pictures and test to see how 'fun' you are.

  8. #8
    LHGirl
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    I'll repeat: It's not you.

    I've been on literally hundreds of online dates over the last 10 years. I even married one of 'em. Divorced, but that's a whole 'nother story....

    I've been flaked on, stood up, told all kinds of sweet nothings. The one thing I've learned is to not trust anything until you actually are sitting across from a person, and you are having a conversation, and go from there. Everything up to that point is just b.s.

    I used to engage in big long email/text exchanges, maybe even lots of phone calls, sending lots more photos. I then decided to just have one or two message exchanges, decide on a place to meet, make it really soon (like within a couple of days), and then go from there.

    All the texting, phone calls, emails, site messages, pic exchanges, are just a waste of time.

  9. #9
    zippitt
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    Quote Originally Posted by LHGirl [Register to see the link]
    I'll repeat: It's not you.

    I've been on literally hundreds of online dates over the last 10 years. I even married one of 'em. Divorced, but that's a whole 'nother story....

    I've been flaked on, stood up, told all kinds of sweet nothings. The one thing I've learned is to not trust anything until you actually are sitting across from a person, and you are having a conversation, and go from there. Everything up to that point is just b.s.

    I used to engage in big long email/text exchanges, maybe even lots of phone calls, sending lots more photos. I then decided to just have one or two message exchanges, decide on a place to meet, make it really soon (like within a couple of days), and then go from there.

    All the texting, phone calls, emails, site messages, pic exchanges, are just a waste of time.
    It's pretty much true, I try to only use the messages to quick jump to meeting someone in person, I even explain to some of them that are hesitant that you cannot get a good feel for someone until meeting them, most people tend to agree and meet up. But like everyone else I have had my fair share of crap stories to crazies, wrist cutters, extremely awkward people, people still married, dates cancelled at the last minute, and catfished by another guy...

    I consider myself fairly attractive, physically fit, but dating online even makes me feel less human with all the weird crap out there, I let it hit my self esteem before, you just have to shake it off an keep going. Once and while you will get burnt out, it's good to take a break now and then. Honestly dating online is like a 2nd job that only pays once in a while, but eventually you might get that big payday.

  10. #10
    Tygerlyly53
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    Quote Originally Posted by zippitt [Register to see the link]
    It's pretty much true, I try to only use the messages to quick jump to meeting someone in person, I even explain to some of them that are hesitant that you cannot get a good feel for someone until meeting them, most people tend to agree and meet up. But like everyone else I have had my fair share of crap stories to crazies, wrist cutters, extremely awkward people, people still married, dates cancelled at the last minute, and catfished by another guy...

    I consider myself fairly attractive, physically fit, but dating online even makes me feel less human with all the weird crap out there, I let it hit my self esteem before, you just have to shake it off an keep going. Once and while you will get burnt out, it's good to take a break now and then. Honestly dating online is like a 2nd job that only pays once in a while, but eventually you might get that big payday.
    Is it okay to suggest meeting or should I wait for them to ask? I have given a couple of men my phone number without them asking because I hate messaging via the dating app. They thanked me and said they would be in touch, but have not. Was that too bold of me?

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