Does a cheater get a second chance..?

I posted earlier but everybody's just looking at all the negative stuff which I understand but my question is if you find out your significant other cheated on you over a year ago do you treated as it was yesterday even though things have been amazing.. what's worse is he didn't come to me with it and honesty is huge with me but now I would just like to know everybody else out there if you found out your significant other cheated on you over a year though how would you handle it..

The advice will be the same as the prior post.

Yep, you can't turn a frog into a prince no matter how badly you want to or a cheater into someone who is loyal...ain't gonna happen.

Sorry

Cheat on me once and you are gone. I do not have time for drama. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and it is very difficult to fix if it's broken.

I believe this was answered in your previous thread. No, I would not give a cheater a second chance. Why? Because once you have lied, cheated, betrayed and deceived, you have broken trust forever, and without trust, you have nothing.

I have also told you how I would handle it. But, once again, I would dump his lying cheating a$$ and be done with him.

I went back and read your previous post. Addict, in and out of rehab, in and out of jail, who gets off on watching women getting punched in the stomach...?

Forgive him for cheating on top of all that?

No.way.

Do not marry him. And for God's shake, DO NOT have children with him.

What.on.earth.are.you.thinking??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

P.S. Even if "all the negative stuff" were not there, my answer would still be no. He may be a "saint" right now but sadly past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. He hided this from you and never came clean i.e. no remorse. Based on his past he is good at deception. Nothing prevents him from doing this again in a couple of years and then you will have wasted more years of your life on him.

I went back and read your previous post. Addict, in and out of rehab, in and out of jail, who gets off on watching women getting punched in the stomach...?

 

Forgive him for cheating on top of all that?

 

No.way.

 

Do not marry him. And for God's shake, DO NOT have children with him.

 

What.on.earth.are.you.thinking??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

P.S. Even if "all the negative stuff" were not there, my answer would still be no. He may be a "saint" right now but sadly past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. He hided this from you and never came clean i.e. no remorse. Based on his past he is good at deception. Nothing prevents him from doing this again in a couple of years and then you will have wasted more years of your life on him.

Thank you this helped me a lot.i couldnt believe what i was seeing 2 daya ago . He dodnt really take responsibility. "That was forever ago".. I just truly do love him. When he is good, he is amazimg and that's who i fell inlove with

Thank you this helped me a lot.i couldnt believe what i was seeing 2 daya ago . He dodnt really take responsibility. "That was forever ago".. I just truly do love him. When he is good, he is amazimg and that's who i fell inlove with

He also keeps saying "please find us a counselor" because of some past things. I just cant find one.. Waiting lists everywhere.

I believe this was answered in your previous thread. No, I would not give a cheater a second chance. Why? Because once you have lied, cheated, betrayed and deceived, you have broken trust forever, and without trust, you have nothing.

 

I have also told you how I would handle it. But, once again, I would dump his lying cheating a$$ and be done with him.

Its just so hard because he is an amazing guy.. I just cant believe all this. Its heartbreaking.

Leave him. It really doesn't matter if it was two years ago or five years ago, the problem is that they did what they did and simply cannot be trusted not to repeat the past. Worst of all is that you simply don't know what will trigger them to cheat again and what you do know is that they are well practiced at deception and will have no problem hiding it from you.

In other words, you might find out because he shared a disease with you or some such. Given everything else, you seriously need to be gone from this situation.

When he is good, he is amazimg and that's who i fell inlove with

The advice will be the same as the prior post.

I understand that hun. I just wanted to see what people would say if he didnt have all the issues i discussed.its just sooo hard

I understand that hun. I just wanted to see what people would say if he didnt have all the issues i discussed.its just sooo hard

 

But unfortunately he does. You can't conform someone to your liking. He isn't Play doh. That's how he is, you need to take it or leave it.

 

Sorry you're feeling pain, but this is reality. Good luck.

When he is good, he is amazimg and that's who i fell inlove with

Sadly, that was only part of him NOT the true picture. The amazing part is ATTACHED to the lying part, the cheating part, the addict part, the criminal part etc.

In reality, the person you fell in love with does not exist. He never existed to begin with. He was just showing the good part of him but you cannot have only the amazing part and the whole person/who he actually is, is ridden with deal-breakers. At the time you did not have all the information. You did not really know him. Now you do.

But unfortunately he does. You can't conform someone to your liking. He isn't Play doh. That's how he is, you need to take it or leave it.

 

Sorry you're feeling pain, but this is reality. Good luck.

yup, the trail mix logic. can't buy it with skittles in place of raisins.

If I were cheated on, personally, I would not be able to ever trust that it wouldn't happen again. I would prefer to take my chances with someone who had never cheated on me.

I agree with the other posters that the guy who cheated is the SAME guy who is so "lovely" the rest of the time. You can't split him into two guys -- he's all the same guy.

The thing about infidelity is that it's not *just* cheating. The foundation of infidelity is dishonesty. It's about so much more than just sleeping with someone else -- it's about lying about it, omitting information that the significant other (in this case, you) needs to have in order to be able to make choices (e.g. someone who is cheating on you is not giving you the choice about whether or not to be in a monogamous relationship -- he's already chosen for you by cheating.)

Counseling may help, but...my sense is that in most case, cheaters (particularly those who are given second chances and thus feel they've been let off the hook), tend to keep doing it. This is what I've seen in the marriages/relationships I've seen where someone has cheated. It's important that you look out for yourself and your own best interests.

Take a glance at my signature line, (below).

No, an "amazing" guy does not cheat on you and then hide it for a year.

I know it's hard to face the truth because it's very painful, but this is not a good man. Sorry.

If this is what you think makes a man "amazing", I wonder what your qualifications are for a "not-amazing" man.

This guy has done some pretty horrific things, not to mention his sexual enjoyment of watching women getting punched in the stomach! What is "amazing" about that???

If this is what you think makes a man "amazing", I wonder what your qualifications are for a "not-amazing" man.

 

This guy has done some pretty horrific things, not to mention his sexual enjoyment of watching women getting punched in the stomach! What is "amazing" about that???

"he was sweet when she met him". tell her about the Bundy guy, bolt, pretty please.

"he was sweet when she met him". tell her about the Bundy guy, bolt, pretty please.

Oh yeah. Ted Bundy worked as a counselor for a suicide prevention hotline. By all accounts he was warm and supportive and caring toward those who called in. When he wasn't at work being warm and caring he was abducting, sexually assaulting, murdering and mutilating young women.

Ted's girlfriend knew there were some weird things about him, but he was also just so sweet to her! When he wasn't threatening her or disappearing at odd hours. She put it all out of her mind because she loooovvvveeedddd him!

That didn't turn out so great for her.

So, OP, this guy is an addict, has a jail record, left you on your own to pay all the bills, cheated on you and is sexually aroused by watching videos of women getting punched. But long ago he was "sweet" to you. And of course he wants you to just forget about all the awful stuff he's done and just carry on like it never happened.

Strange description of "amazing".

Its just so hard because he is an amazing guy..

OP, if this is what you call "amazing", then I would hate to see what you call toxic and dysfunctional. I'm sorry to say, but in the end, this says more about YOU.

Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to look into some form of professional counselling to help you figure out WHY you are drawn to such dysfunction and believe it is "amazing". Extremely poor self-image? Very low self-esteem? Insecurity?

I think it would depend if the person is sincere that he would change. If that person regreted what they did and would like to change. Sad to say, i had unconciously flirted with another girl without my girlfriend knowing. At that time i just wanted company, i yearned for someone there next to me aince me and my girlfriend are kn a long distance relationship. We hid our relationship for years and spent ohist over a week where our relationship was open to te public before we got separated physically. Im only human, i also have Social needs. And to be honest i wanna kick myself for doing it. But yeah, give them one chance if they are sincere enough. If they do it twice, thats where you draw the line. I am currently in the process of mending things with my girl right now and all i wanted is a chamce to prove myself. I dont want others to be in the same situation as i am, dont take the chamce on losing on what could be an opportunity for something greater since once you have been broken and healed, you are stronger.

He also keeps saying "please find us a counselor" because of some past things. I just cant find one.. Waiting lists everywhere.

Why is that on you? If he's all that sincere, why doesn't he step up to find one?

Sounds as though you're being conned.

Please find a counsellor for you - many employers offer free employee assistance to hook you up immediately to speak to someone - no shame in using it! He is toxic. Would he be a good father (even if that's not in your plans)? If not, he's not a good man. Period.