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Thread: How can I get my first date??? I am 25 years old female...

  1. #1

    How can I get my first date??? I am 25 years old female...

    I always wonder why I cannot have my first date ever, yet. I've been thinking how unfair life is. I mean why can't I get everything I deserve? I never partied, smoked, or did drugs. I've been working so hard to pursue my college degree, and I found my first job in 11 months after my college graduation. My work ethic is good. It was my first job ever, so it is well-paid for first job. I still feel like I am not good enough for my future partner, so I consider about pursuing Master's. I am not doing it for him. I am doing it for myself just in case if I will never find a husband. I can settle by myself -- buy a house, travel, save money, and etc. It is my backup plan. Or if I got married and divorced, I will be able to financially support my child(ren). Even if I got happily married, my husband will appreciate me since I'll rarely rely on him. I won't call him at work and say, "Hey! *cries* I need your help!!!" ever! Also, I've always been naturally skinny. I do workout every spring and summer to tone up my body for bikini season. No guy should complain about that. It is always healthy to do exercise! My family ages slowly, so it means I'll still look great when I am 60! Also, I do not have ANY health problem! He wouldn't have to worry about spending $$ on ER or hospital bills.

    I am also a neat freak, and I like to keep room neat and tidy. I despise hoarding! When I was in college, people always commented on my dorm room and said they love how neat and decorative it looks. I expect that my future husband would like to keep the house neat, too.

    I also don't cook I admit, but I did cook for class in high school before. My first attempt was never a failure. My aunt taught me how to bake a cake, and it was great for my first attempt. My mom brought some cake slices to work, and they loved it. Few years ago, my college roommates taught me some food recipes such as oreo puffs and dip. When I made them for other people, they LOVED them. My brother and I were at the same cooking level. When he tried a new recipe, I corrected him as if I had experience before. I never dealt with this stuff before, but it turned out great lol. When my mom got married, she did not know how to cook, but she figured out. Her cooking is excellent, so I definitely got genes from her. Of course, I prefer a guy who can cook, too. It would be fun if we cook together!

    I was told that I have good social skills and people always feel comfortable talking to me. I also have great sense of humor, and I am fun to be around. People view me as a laid back girl. My friend's ex-boyfriend liked me, but he was 10+ years older than me and he had a lot of baggage. I don't know why my friend ended up dating a married man, who left his wife and kids after he found out that she cheated on him. No thanks. Anyway, I am very shy with guys, but I'd be all better when they talk to me so I was able to talk back naturally. I can tell that they enjoyed chatting with me, but I'm sure they just see me as "friends" otherwise they would have chased me. Also, I posted few posts on some sites to complain that I never had a boyfriend or nothing happened with my crushes. We also talked on those posts, and they told me that my personality sounds find or normal. No clue why I never had a boyfriend.

    I feel like guys aren't interested in me because of my face. It is mildly asymmetrical but noticeable. I mean it is not deformed at all or anything. My eyes are in right place. My nose is in right place. My ears are in right place. My mouth is in right place. Anyway, I do not feel comfortable opening my mouth. I mean if I want to show my teeth, my lips will look like this... It looks like I did it on purpose, but I did not. It is just one side of lips doesn't open widely. I avoid from smiling with teeth because my lips make it looking like I have a crooked smile. I like to smile with a closed mouth, so it looks normal that way. I also have stubborn acne. Believe it or not, I am not socially rejected. Well, few kids used to pick on me, but it wasn't that bad. In high school, I used to believe that I was "socially rejected" even if I had some friends, until I worked on my social skills in college. I was able to make friends and many acquaintances. It turns out that I am an introvert. If I social too much, it will exhaust me and I crave for alone times. I was told that I am cute and pretty. People did compliment on my physical appearance. "Your hair is beautiful!" "You have a nice body!" "I love your clothes!" "I wish I was skinny like you!" Well, I did not get compliments for my physical appearance from guys often, but few guys still did...definitely NOT in flirting way. Sometimes, I befriended with online people through online games (in my teens) or sites. They even told me that I am cute or pretty. To be clarified, I am not the pretty girl out there. I am not hideous, either. On few occasions, I brought up about small difference on my face. They did not notice immediately though. They admitted that they did notice but still call me cute as if it did not affect the level of my attractiveness. They didn't care...as long as I am "attractive" to them I guess. I am not interested in dating any of online guys because I am too hesitant to meet them in person for my safety. Oh, yeah... I hate when pictures made my face looking worse... Thanks? In person, my face is almost symmetrical but still a little noticeable.

    However, I am sure my case doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me. Otherwise explain why I never had a boyfriend?? They NEVER tried to make a move on me!!! I am aware most of you don't have superstar models as your partners. I am aware not everyone has college degrees, but they still got married. Also, mentally ill people got dates. Sick people even got dates, too. The U.S. has obesity issues, but many obese got laid down, dates, and married! Laziest people even got dates or married, but why did I NEVER get a boyfriend!??? I feel like I deserve a boyfriend more than many people do, so it is why I said life is unfair. For example, I had some crushes before, so let's talk about my crush... I had strong feelings for him for a while. My friend spilled the beans that he liked me, so he admitted that he did. I felt flattered, but at the same time I was scared. I questioned myself if I do like him back or not, so I decided to wait and see if he would pursue me... We hung out few times (usually with groups), but he didn't try to make a move on me or even flirt with me... Later, he crushed on another girl, and then he got back together with his good-for-nothing ex-girlfriend. He listed reasons why he dumped her before. Now I felt sooooooo angry on the inside, but I did not show it. I was told that many guys like short girls, so I am damn short! He dates a girl who is few inches taller than him. She also has no college degree, and she is not too motivated to work. She also has many health issues, so she always has doctor appointments. She is also not adventurous. She slept with 4+ guys in her life. She is too lazy to exercise, so let's say she is average. She is also immature. For example, she gets jealous and possessive, but I don't want to make this post any longer. WHY DID HE END UP BEING WITH HER??? I mean I am the better girlfriend material comparing to her! Admittedly, her face is prettier than my face, so I wonder if that was why he chose her. We all have been hanging out together before, and then they stopped seeing me, but they saw each other more. She is a horrible person!!! While she was unofficially dating a married man over internet, she still hoped that she would get more from her ex-boyfriend. Sounded like she still had feelings for him.. Later, her "boyfriend" broke his heart, and then she got depressed. She never did let me know that she was seeing my best friend (female) because she looked for emotional support after he broke her heart in a million pieces. I tried to tell her that it wouldn't work because he is married and they NEVER met in person. My best friend has a boyfriend and 2 kids, and she was sexually frustrated because he wouldn't sleep with her. FYI, she is bisexual. In end, they slept together, and then she f***ed her ex-boyfriend (my crush) and they got back together. I even hate my crush more because he chose her over me when I am obviously the better girlfriend material AND he f***ed her. I didn't want him anymore. I didn't take out anger on anyone, of course. For few weeks, I was acting strange around him. I would reply with few words. He texted me and asked if we are cool. I said yes we're cool, so I moved on as if nothing happened. Still, my former crush, his fiancee, and my best friend still ruined our friendships since we all used to hang out. That was so messed up! I don't really want to see them unless they asked me to hang out. Most of my friends were from college, so they live far. Right now, I rarely have anyone to hang out with.

    It feels like guys would still go out with girls no matter how fat they are, how stupid they are, how much baggage they have, how poor they are, how ugly they are, how depressed they are, and etc... as long as their face are normal. I have college degree and job. I did work out. I have a good personality. Okay, let's say there are only two women left in the world. One woman is obese, has poor hygiene, finished high school, has much baggage, has a crappy personality, and didn't want to work at all. I am sure all guys will still choose her over me.

    I wonder why I didn't get laid down, my first date, or get a boyfriend. Is it because of my face? Or is it because of my shyness? Well, I've heard stories about girls with real deformed faces getting married AND extremely shy girls got boyfriends. When it comes to guys, my stomach is usually filled with butterflies. If I've seen a male acquaintance, I'd get "inner panic attacks" and pretend that I didn't see him unless he spoke to me. I don't want to send him signs with interests in him because I don't want to be obvious or freaking him out so I act like "I don't care" or "I see him only as a friend." Some girls do that, too, BUT they still got boyfriends... It doesn't make sense!! In general, I wouldn't look at any guy even if I felt I was being watched. I did not want to turn around to look because I don't want them to think I was checking them out. Sometimes, the urge got stronger so I looked immediately to check if anybody was watching me. A guy looked away quickly. I don't think he was checking me out. If he was, it may be for my hair or body or whatever.

    Well, there is one guy I am kind of interested in right now... I will see him again this Saturday because my friend hosts a party to show off her new apartment and she also has swimming pool. I've seen him two times. When I met him for first time, I thought I'd never see him again but it turned out we have many mutual friends. I saw him again at my friend's barbecue party for Memorial weekend. When he arrived, I got butterflies in my stomach so I couldn't say hi to him... I also figured that he was busy. I just continued to eat a hot dog, and then he finally came over to me and gave me a quickly, greeting hug. We didn't talk, and then he came over to talk to me somewhere when I laid in a hammock. We had a long conversation. We didn't talk in over a month though we are FB friends...only two likes and two comments so far I think?? We never messaged each other. This Saturday, I am giving him a final chance... My goal is to say hi to him when I see him...instead of waiting for him to say hi first. I am sure butterflies would get in the way again. I hope that we would become friends so I'd feel comfortable to message him or ask him to hang out. If nothing got us anywhere this Saturday, I would be ready to give up on him and move on...

    If I am destined to be forever alone, I still hope that I'd still get my first date, first kiss, and first sexual experience even if it was casual. It is better than never. I don't know why I cannot get laid down or my first date or my first boyfriend.

  2. #2
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    Did you ever ask somebody out? You might be giving "don't approach me or I'll bite" vibe.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by Wolfshook
    Did you ever ask somebody out? You might be giving "don't approach me or I'll bite" vibe.
    No, I didn't. I don't know how to ask out. If I tried to, I'd be sh*tting in my pants lol.

  4. #4
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    Only the first few times ,after a while it's not that hard. You approach somebody you like and if things are going well you simply ask them if they'd like to grab some coffee this sunday ieg.

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  6. #5
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    Are those butterflies in your stomach, or moths? Butterflies are beautiful! Embrace them and go say hi to him while riding the flapping dizzying wave going on

    Anyway, it is tough to be an introvert for sure. You are going to have to push yourself to make these kinds of things happen instead of waiting and wondering why the boys don't ask you. There is nothing wrong with it, and it is more common than you might think. As a very introverted guy it's been hard for me too to get over that fear of asking people out. I'm still not really over it, but it gets easier with practice. I used to just wait until the girl I liked was with somebody else, and then dump my feelings on her in an email or a letter lol. They all LOVED that!

    You have to get to the point where you can realize that the worst that can happen if you ask somebody is they say no. And if they say no then you dont have to spend energy on them anymore, so they kind of did you a favor.

    Your "firsts" will come when they come. Don't get into that comparing game of what you think other people's lives are like. There are people who are 25 and feel like they have done it all, and have depression from having no idea what to do next. So there are good parts and bad parts to each kind of life. And you have avoided getting messed up in an abusive relationship that are so common and damaging. Score!

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Wolfshook
    Only the first few times ,after a while it's not that hard. You approach somebody you like and if things are going well you simply ask them if they'd like to grab some coffee this sunday ieg.
    My friend postponed the party till next month, so I am not gonna see him till then... Anyway, it would get easier to ask him out after a while I am sure. The problem is... I wouldn't see him often lol. If I asked him if we could grab cofee, would it be too obvious? I feel like it is kind of a bold move.


    Originally Posted by saluk
    Are those butterflies in your stomach, or moths? Butterflies are beautiful! Embrace them and go say hi to him while riding the flapping dizzying wave going on

    Anyway, it is tough to be an introvert for sure. You are going to have to push yourself to make these kinds of things happen instead of waiting and wondering why the boys don't ask you. There is nothing wrong with it, and it is more common than you might think. As a very introverted guy it's been hard for me too to get over that fear of asking people out. I'm still not really over it, but it gets easier with practice. I used to just wait until the girl I liked was with somebody else, and then dump my feelings on her in an email or a letter lol. They all LOVED that!

    You have to get to the point where you can realize that the worst that can happen if you ask somebody is they say no. And if they say no then you dont have to spend energy on them anymore, so they kind of did you a favor.

    Your "firsts" will come when they come. Don't get into that comparing game of what you think other people's lives are like. There are people who are 25 and feel like they have done it all, and have depression from having no idea what to do next. So there are good parts and bad parts to each kind of life. And you have avoided getting messed up in an abusive relationship that are so common and damaging. Score!
    Totally true about introverts!!! Guys seemed to think that I play "too hard to get," but I don't know how to drop it hahah! After you dumped your feelings on her in an email or a letter and they loved it, did they end up dumping their boyfriends and being with you? I guess not.

    Yeah, I tried to remind myself that the worst is if they said no and it means I know I don't have to waste my energy on them anymore... I would still feel rejected I am sure. I don't know if I'll ever be able to ask out because I have moths in my stomach. Let's say I have moths, not butterflies. If he and I have been friends, it would be totally easy to ask out for me.

    True, I probably avoided from getting messed up. In general, I don't like confrontation. When there is drama, I just walk away. People rarely see me angry. Often, they do not know if I am angry or not. If someone did REALLY hurt me, I would utter with few words or I would not talk to them for days. That is only one of few indications if I am angry. For example, when I was in college, my friend took anger out on me (that was scary to me), so I just left the computer lab without saying anything and returned to the dorm. Some minutes later, he sent me a message on the Facebook. He apologized to me though and said he had been stressed out. I forgave him, but he is not the type of guy I would want to date anyway lol. He has to control his temper better.

  8. #7
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    I guess the point is to be as obvious as possible without being creepy. Those who are not obvious enough end up in friendzone.

  9. #8
    This thread kinda gave me Eliot Rodger vibes. Just because someone is uglier or fatter than you doesn't mean that you are more deserving of a partner than them.

  10. #9

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    I think you are overanalyzing your situation. You said you are attractive and people make comments on how well you present yourself and keep fit. That is huge with guys. Yes, we are visual, primal, selfish and want women - ugg! So what if you smile and not all of your teeth show? I know you want love like we all do but from what I have learned, being mildly attractive, witty, great smile and fit is that I am not everyone's cup of tea even when I want a woman to only want my tea - lol! Be secure in who you are and what you have to offer. Sometimes we have to wait for Cupid to find us and stop wearing a bullseye ti-shirt when we are out in the dating world. Not sure if this helps but you are destined for bigger, better and more evolved men - maybe not like tomorrow, but any day.

  11. #10
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    OP, I do understand what you mean. Although I didn't read all of your post. I am also the type of person who doesn't get to asked out by guys a lot. Only a few of them which sometimes wonders me if I'm ugly or something's wrong with me.

    I do have two advises for you.

    1. Be secure to yourself and just let love find you. If you keep expecting and finding a partner, you will never find him. I say enjoy your single life for a while and love yourself. The right man will come eventually.

    2. Socialize more. Maybe you should change your daily routine and socialize more with people. Try going to more parties, night out with friends, gym etc. But don't try too hard.

    Balance it out. Love yourself and at the same time socialize more often. You are only 25 and I'm sure there's gonna be a guy out there who is willing to date you.


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