Acceptance she's not coming back - 5 weeks on

I think today I have accepted the relationship is over and she's not coming back.

Followers of my story the past month will know I'm good friends with her brother, it's been a bit awkward between us as he feels guilty that I'm so upset because he introduced us, I've assured him it isn't at all.

Today we had a heart to heart about it, out of the blue he said he could see me hurting and that I'm not the same person anymore. He sat me down and said the following:

"Please please get over her and don't think about her, I promise she is not thinking about you at all or hurting. You cant be waiting for her because you will be waiting forever. Im not meaning to be harsh but i know that there is no point in you clinging on the even the tiniest bit of hope or having any feelings for her because she dosent have any for you. Pick yourself up forget everything about her and just do what you have to. Again not meaning to be harsh but its what you need to do

She obviously liked you but i dont think she loved you and thats why she ended it. you cant force love and at the time i think if she could have she would have but you cant so shes just eneded it before things got too serious."

I know it's pretty much what she said to me but to hear it again now a bit further down the line is what I wanted. Her brother is a good guy and although he loves his sister and understands her actions he does feel a bit angry towards her. He did confirm 100% there is no one else in the picture.

Finally, not sure if it's a family thing or not but he is having EXACTLY the same doubts about his relationship with his current bf, 6 months in and he was telling me he wants to end it for EXACTLY the same reasons.

Is this something that runs in the family? Maybe they can't get close to people?

Or they just have very specific things that they are looking for in a partner so it's easy to rule people out. It's not a bad thing to know what you want but at the same time, they could be missing out on the loves of their lives by not bending and be more open to what they accept. Or I could be totally wrong, just a thought. But congrats on feeling like you're ready to move on, the first step should be to not make any more posts specifically about her and start with your journey of finding what you truly want and need. Good luck to you!!!

It was a kind thing that your friend did for you....now time to really heal.

Good luck.

I'm glad he was straight with you and that it seems to have resonated. I think your assumptions about her family/patterns is way out of line. She's allowed to decide you're not right for her and to end things especially with the respect and thoughtfulness in which she ended things. Many people end dating relationships 3-6 months in especially people who are looking for something serious - because they don't want to invest more time in a relationship without long term potential. He told you she didn't feel that way about you

Wasn't accusing the family of being like this, I was just asking the question.

Seems like too much of a coincidence but as you say 5/6 month mark does seem to be a bit of a milestone

I hope this is the catalyst you needed to finally accept that it's over so you can start to work on moving on.

I think today I have accepted the relationship is over and she's not coming back.

Followers of my story the past month will know I'm good friends with her brother, it's been a bit awkward between us as he feels guilty that I'm so upset because he introduced us, I've assured him it isn't at all.

 

Today we had a heart to heart about it, out of the blue he said he could see me hurting and that I'm not the same person anymore. He sat me down and said the following:

 

"Please please get over her and don't think about her, I promise she is not thinking about you at all or hurting. You cant be waiting for her because you will be waiting forever. Im not meaning to be harsh but i know that there is no point in you clinging on the even the tiniest bit of hope or having any feelings for her because she dosent have any for you. Pick yourself up forget everything about her and just do what you have to. Again not meaning to be harsh but its what you need to do

She obviously liked you but i dont think she loved you and thats why she ended it. you cant force love and at the time i think if she could have she would have but you cant so shes just eneded it before things got too serious."

 

I know it's pretty much what she said to me but to hear it again now a bit further down the line is what I wanted. Her brother is a good guy and although he loves his sister and understands her actions he does feel a bit angry towards her. He did confirm 100% there is no one else in the picture.

 

Finally, not sure if it's a family thing or not but he is having EXACTLY the same doubts about his relationship with his current bf, 6 months in and he was telling me he wants to end it for EXACTLY the same reasons.

Is this something that runs in the family? Maybe they can't get close to people?

Good luck to you. I hope you move on and I will pray for you

Wasn't accusing the family of being like this, I was just asking the question.

 

Seems like too much of a coincidence but as you say 5/6 month mark does seem to be a bit of a milestone

For many yes. Two individuals are in two separate relationships - you're wanting to see a pattern because that would help your ego, I get it. i'd avoid the analysis though. Waste of your time to dwell on.

Morning, just a little up date, it's now 6 weeks since the break up and 3 weeks full NC.

As I said here, I accepted she's not coming back, but there is something foolishly in my mind saying she is, false hope that I've made up in my silly little scatty brain. It's tough to ignore it.

6 weeks isn't a long time I know but I'm still pining for her massively. I'm doing everything possible to keep busy, seeing friends, working out, playing sports, family time, hobbies, heck I've even gone to OLD and talked to a few really pretty girls but it's still a struggle.

There's nothing I'm looking for from this post, it's just showing my struggles and to let others out there in a similar boat know they aren't alone.

Morning, just a little up date, it's now 6 weeks since the break up and 3 weeks full NC.

 

As I said here, I accepted she's not coming back, but there is something foolishly in my mind saying she is, false hope that I've made up in my silly little scatty brain. It's tough to ignore it.

 

6 weeks isn't a long time I know but I'm still pining for her massively. I'm doing everything possible to keep busy, seeing friends, working out, playing sports, family time, hobbies, heck I've even gone to OLD and talked to a few really pretty girls but it's still a struggle.

 

There's nothing I'm looking for from this post, it's just showing my struggles and to let others out there in a similar boat know they aren't alone.

Thoughts are thoughts -all typical and what most people go through when something or someone they want is not available. Good for you for moving on!

I know you don't mean anything by it but what I would do is focus on meeting women - who are good matches as opposed to messaging "pretty girls".

Thoughts are thoughts -all typical and what most people go through when something or someone they want is not available. Good for you for moving on!

I know you don't mean anything by it but what I would do is focus on meeting women - who are good matches as opposed to messaging "pretty girls".

A few years ago I was dumped out the blue then, albeit that girl had an eating disorder and needed to be alone, initially that hurt just as much as this, I had to take time off work, it was a rough time. This one has hurt as much although mentally I think that made me stronger this time around, I just remember it not lasting this long.

Absolutely not going for just "pretty girls" looking for good matches

A few years ago I was dumped out the blue then, albeit that girl had an eating disorder and needed to be alone, initially that hurt just as much as this, I had to take time off work, it was a rough time. This one has hurt as much although mentally I think that made me stronger this time around, I just remember it not lasting this long.

 

Absolutely not going for just "pretty girls" looking for good matches

Sorry - and of course many people have relationships end. My sense is that someone with an eating disorder or other disorder/disability might not need to be alone necessarily and might not be available for a serious relationship with you. It's very individual and at the time I bet that telling yourself it was because of her eating disorder didn't help the healing process. What helped me the most was accepting that the person didn't want to be involved with me and that that is ok - that's what ultimately makes the world go around because if people stay too long in a not right relationship by definition those people and the people they are with cannot find a good match. I think your choices to drink and get in touch with her and the fact that you interact with her brother might have lengthened/impeded the process but glad that's behind you.

Glad you are looking for a good match! Just keep it up - it's hard but totally worth it (and I can say that even though I had to clean up an actual, gross mess this morning caused by my husband's poor instructions to my son -and of course husband is sleeping in).

What your friend did was give you the ultimate in closure. He told you all the things that your GF could not/did not. She very likely didn't want to hurt your feelings so much, so she pretty much just backed away, but her brother (your friend) has been completely open and honest. Take that as a gift, as if you did not have this information, you'd be wondering/waiting/hoping for a long time to come.

She just didn't feel it for you. Hard as that is to take, it's the truth. I bet there's not a single person on this board who hasn't gone through that: we like someone who just doesn't like us back.

You sound like a great guy. Take whatever time you need, and then....just get back out there and date again. I know it's hard, as I've been there. But it's the best thing you can do.

What your friend did was give you the ultimate in closure. He told you all the things that your GF could not/did not. She very likely didn't want to hurt your feelings so much, so she pretty much just backed away, but her brother (your friend) has been completely open and honest. Take that as a gift, as if you did not have this information, you'd be wondering/waiting/hoping for a long time to come.

 

She just didn't feel it for you. Hard as that is to take, it's the truth. I bet there's not a single person on this board who hasn't gone through that: we like someone who just doesn't like us back.

 

You sound like a great guy. Take whatever time you need, and then....just get back out there and date again. I know it's hard, as I've been there. But it's the best thing you can do.

Yes I really appreciate him saying what he did and when I'm having little wobbles I read over what he said just got get back in that zone it's over. It's just hard. My brains been wired to never give up on dreams or what you want.

I think my biggest worry is the long term damage this has done to me, to feel so in love and have so many future plans laid out and then for it to just end? What if this happens in my next relationship? (Yes I know looking back there were little signs) luckily in the past I've been able to say everyone is different, maybe niaevely so, but this one is hard to shake. Really hard.

Yes I really appreciate him saying what he did and when I'm having little wobbles I read over what he said just got get back in that zone it's over. It's just hard. My brains been wired to never give up on dreams or what you want.

 

I think my biggest worry is the long term damage this has done to me, to feel so in love and have so many future plans laid out and then for it to just end? What if this happens in my next relationship? (Yes I know looking back there were little signs) luckily in the past I've been able to say everyone is different, maybe niaevely so, but this one is hard to shake. Really hard.

Of course it can happen again! You just have to decide it it's worth the downside and work on better coping mechanisms.

(Yes I know looking back there were little signs)

There were little signs, there were big signs. Some of them, you wrote about on this board. In looking at your previous threads:

1) You did a nice gesture by sending her flowers at work.

Her: Ungrateful for them, and chastised you.

2) She went on holiday and lied about having "bad internet", yet she was able to post on social media.

3) She rarely texted you first. If you texted first, she'd respond, but she rarely initiated.

4) She never (maybe rarely) said ILY first. Sure, she'd respond, but she rarely initiated.

That's just the stuff you wrote about here. How much more can you add to this list?

Look, I'm just telling you, if a girl likes you:

1) She'd be all over the flowers. She's posting them on SM because she wants the world to see her amazing boyfriend. Think about all the posts like that that you see every day! She'd be posting "Isn't he so sweet & special, just flowers to brighten my day!"

2) She'd be dying to text with you while on holiday. A girl who likes you is checking her phone regularly when she's not with you, and gets so excited to snap photos & send you little texts. Not fibbing about "slow internet". Sorry, that one's bad.

3) She'd be texting you little things once in a while. Heck, I bet she'd be checking for the read receipt, and waiting for your 3 little dots to see if you're writing her back. Not just being blasé, waiting for you to text, then responding. It smacks of being nonchalant.

4) She'd be initiating some dates, some more....stuff. And yes, some ILY's.

Maybe she wouldn't be doing all of the above, but you can bet she'd be doing some of it.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I have soooooo been there, so I'm not judging. I look back at some past relationships and want to smack myself for not seeing certain things.

There were little signs, there were big signs. Some of them, you wrote about on this board. In looking at your previous threads:

 

1) You did a nice gesture by sending her flowers at work.

Her: Ungrateful for them, and chastised you.

2) She went on holiday and lied about having "bad internet", yet she was able to post on social media.

3) She rarely texted you first. If you texted first, she'd respond, but she rarely initiated.

4) She never (maybe rarely) said ILY first. Sure, she'd respond, but she rarely initiated.

 

That's just the stuff you wrote about here. How much more can you add to this list?

 

Look, I'm just telling you, if a girl likes you:

1) She'd be all over the flowers. She's posting them on SM because she wants the world to see her amazing boyfriend. Think about all the posts like that that you see every day! She'd be posting "Isn't he so sweet & special, just flowers to brighten my day!"

2) She'd be dying to text with you while on holiday. A girl who likes you is checking her phone regularly when she's not with you, and gets so excited to snap photos & send you little texts. Not fibbing about "slow internet". Sorry, that one's bad.

3) She'd be texting you little things once in a while. Heck, I bet she'd be checking for the read receipt, and waiting for your 3 little dots to see if you're writing her back. Not just being blasé, waiting for you to text, then responding. It smacks of being nonchalant.

4) She'd be initiating some dates, some more....stuff. And yes, some ILY's.

 

Maybe she wouldn't be doing all of the above, but you can bet she'd be doing some of it.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I have soooooo been there, so I'm not judging. I look back at some past relationships and want to smack myself for not seeing certain things.

So, so true, everything you wrote there is spot on.

The texting was at the beginning, that soon improved, the ILY, that was there as were the cute messages, they just stopped in the last 2 weeks. She's not into SM massively at all, very private girl (hence why the flowers to work she didn't like) she did put them up on something on Valentine's Day tho. But that was back when everything was really good.

But yes, as you said all the signs are there. Maybe I should've pulled back and not been so available and besotted with her. Just I thought she felt the same

She's not into SM massively at all, very private girl

She's private when she wants to be. Her "shyness" didn't stop her from posting holiday pics, did it? I hate to say this, but when she finds a guy she's really into, I'd bet money she'll be posting stuff about him.

My boyfriend is a huge SM guy in viewing, but he rarely posted stuff prior to meeting me 1 1/2 years ago. He dated someone for almost a year, and there is not one single post or picture of her. Prior to that, he was married, and there isn't one single post about it. Within months of meeting me, he started posting stuff so often about us that now, if he goes a couple of weeks without posting anything, people think we've broken up. He tags me constantly. Turns out, his prior GF was just someone he really wasn't into, and he knew it wasn't going to last. His prior GF is a huge Facebook poster, and I'm sure he told her he's just shy/private/whatever.

Look, this girl may genuinely be shy or whatever, but there were just way too many signs. I'm so sorry to say all this to you, as I know it hurts.

She's private when she wants to be. Her "shyness" didn't stop her from posting holiday pics, did it? I hate to say this, but when she finds a guy she's really into, I'd bet money she'll be posting stuff about him.

 

My boyfriend is a huge SM guy in viewing, but he rarely posted stuff prior to meeting me 1 1/2 years ago. He dated someone for almost a year, and there is not one single post or picture of her. Prior to that, he was married, and there isn't one single post about it. Within months of meeting me, he started posting stuff so often about us that now, if he goes a couple of weeks without posting anything, people think we've broken up. He tags me constantly. Turns out, his prior GF was just someone he really wasn't into, and he knew it wasn't going to last. His prior GF is a huge Facebook poster, and I'm sure he told her he's just shy/private/whatever.

 

Look, this girl may genuinely be shy or whatever, but there were just way too many signs. I'm so sorry to say all this to you, as I know it hurts.

Please don't apologise, I enjoy everyone's views even if I don't agree with them.

You could be right, but even after her holiday none of her or her friends put anyhting up on Facebook, just Snapchat stories.

Her whole family are the same, maybe the odd Facebook post every couple of months.

Anyway this isn't an issue now but I know that she still has pictures of us together up on her Facebook and Instagram.

7 weeks today. I may have been a little premature with the title of this thread.

For whatever reason this past week has been hard. Almost as hard as week 1.

The dreams are back, worse than ever, dreaming we are getting back together, so lifelike. Other dreams have been that she was having an affair with my best friend and I catch them. I wake up heartbroken and feeling sick again, thinking of her with someone else.

Why this has happened I don't know. I've kept NC for a month, no social media stalking, haven't seen her at all.

I have spent time with her brother this week who is about to break up with his BF, for the same reasons she broke up with me, maybe that's disturbed my healing a bit. I also caught him watching his sisters wedding video in work, he had an audience and told me not to watch it, but stupid me stood there and saw it (this was today) since then I've come home and put on break up songs. Basic self implosion on my part.

I actually went on a date this week, lovely girl but I've realised it's way too soon, couldn't stop thinking about my ex.

Also after the wedding video her brother came over to see how I was and apologised but said he did tell me to walk away. I asked how she was and he said she was quiet and very moody the past few weeks, I said is it because she's missing me and he said he doesn't think so.

Is there hope there?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time and that you're making choices that exacerbate the ability to move on. I don't think she is moody because she misses you nor do I think you should go there. There were a number of times I missed someone I ended things with or felt moody about it and I didn't contact the person or want to get back together. I think it's unfair to your coworker - her brother - to ask him questions like that. Puts him in a very awkward position.

Unfortunately, your "hope" does nothing to change her feelings or her wants.

He has said anytime I want to speak to him about it all he's there for me, as a friend and stupidly he feels responsible as he introduced us thinking we would get on really well.

Apart from stupidly watching that video yesterday I wouldn't say I'm making choices that are delaying moving on, as I said in my post, I've followed all your advice here, gone hard NC a few days short of a month, no social media contact.

I can't work out where the dreams are coming from again which are making me feel back to square one

That is very nice of him. Do not take him up on his kind offer for any reason. Too many risks to your career and wrk orang. Your post reminded me about how I behaved over 29 years ago when I was panicky about my engagement and upcoming wedding. I latched on to a kind coworker and confided in her and opened up to her. She was levelheaded and married - happily. I remember the day she'd had enough - our office was very busy and intense and she said nicely that she had to get back to work when I went to her office with yet another marriage related question.

Luckily it did not impact our relationship but it could have and she also was a great person to network with for the future. Tell yourself he is a kind person and feels guilty but you make your choice to behave professionally and understand he is a captive audience and her brother. His allegiance is always to her no matter what he says.

Ironically I did marry the man I was panicking over 11 years later after our second engagement. I lost rich with my friend and colleague otherwise I would have told her.

Also he might know suitable women for you but if he gets the impression that you lack a filter and boundaries you he may be reluctant to set you up or introduce you. Ok bring on the excuses lol. 😉

Haha no excuses, in fact things have changed...

Friends birthday yesterday we all went out for drinks to the city (not drinking problems 😉 had a great time, so much fun with all my friends then this happened...

At a bar and I noticed a really beautiful girl by the bar, 1st time I've thought wow about a girl since the ex, my friends said go talk to her, what have I got to lose, I thought why not, I'm single, and find her really attractive... so off I went.

We hit it off, spent a lot of time talking, exchanged numbers and even had a little goodnight kiss. We've spoke today and we are going to meet up this week.

Not getting any hopes up at all, might just be one date but I'm happy that It's finally come to me that there's plenty more out there and that I'm still desirable.

I think I can say now I'm almost back to where I want and I'm so happy about it