Fiancé of over 5 years cheated and left me for another woman. I'm devastated!

Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate any advice on this situation. Sorry for the long post.

I met my ex-fiancé in 2011. I was 23 and he was 39, divorced, and with 3 children. We fell for each other hard right away. We had a beautiful relationship for the most part. We loved each other very much and for the first few years we were one of those couples people get jealous of, hugging and holding hands wherever we went.

When I met him he was working on a business degree and was broke. I used to help this man out with rent, groceries, gas, even child support payments. He was in school during the first 3 years of our relationship so I usually paid for everything. I bought him a brand new car that I’m still paying for, and I’ve been paying for our phones’ service.

He graduated in 2014 and we moved to another city right away so that he could go to culinary school. I supported us for the most part. We came back to our home town and we each moved in with our parents while we found a place to live. Two years passed and for reasons that included me going back to school to further my education and him struggling to find a well-paying job, we still had not gotten married or moved in together yet. Finally 5 months ago he was able to fulfill his dream of opening his own restaurant business and I couldn’t be happier. I thought we could soon start building a future together, with both of us being more financially stable.

Then three weeks ago he hired a new employee who’s the same age as me (28 ), the daughter of one of his friends. He’s known her since she was a child. He confessed to me that ever since she became an adult there had been a mutual attraction between them. She started working for him about 3 to 4 weeks ago, and even though I knew about her I hadn’t had the chance to meet her or introduce myself.

He broke up with me 4 days ago, claiming that he was “too stressed out” from work and needed to “push everyone away” for a little while. I was devastated. Yesterday I took him out to lunch, apologized for not being supportive enough, and asked him to give me another chance to make things right between us. He kept refusing and finally told me about this other woman.

He claims that the first time he slept with her was right after we broke up 4 nights ago (he went to her place afterwards), but I believe he’s lying. I even offered to forgive him if he broke up with her and came back to me. He refused. Deep down I wish he would come back to me, but I know I deserve much better. It’s just so hard to lose those strong feelings of love that I had for him overnight.

She claims she didn’t know he had a girlfriend/fiancé and personally apologized to me yesterday, but confessed that she does have feelings for him too. She told me that if I wanted him back she would back off, and that she wasn’t even sure if she wants him anymore. But it’s obvious he’s choosing her over me.

This was absolutely shocking and unexpected. I fully trusted him up until now. I didn’t think he was capable of cheating and I believe that, up until recently, he wasn’t. I blame myself because ever since he opened his business 5 months ago we became more and more distant. He’s been stressed out all the time. I blame myself for not being more involved in his life, for not helping and supporting him enough. I should have been there working with him instead of him hiring this woman. I have so much regret it’s killing me. When I asked him why he fell for her, he complained that I kept putting off marriage or moving in together, and he was impatient and wanted to settle and had lost his feelings for me. This makes me think that he probably wants to move in with this new girl.

I feel extremely betrayed and humiliated. He said he feels like he's making the worst mistake of his life by leaving me and that he may soon regret it. But if that was the case why would he do it?

I know the best thing I can do is forget about him and move on. But it kills me to think that he will probably continue his relationship with her and easily forget about me. I’m so afraid that he will be there happily enjoying his new relationship while I’m still in so much pain. I did so much for this man and we went through so much together. He was pretty much part of my family. It feels like I’m inside a horrible nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I asked him if he even cared about not seeing me ever again, and he said “not entirely”. This was so painful for me to hear.

I don’t know how to deal with all these feelings of pain, regret, and disbelief. Any advice will help.

Thank you.

This story is really sad, I am sorry you are hurting and in disbelief, I understand where you are coming from. The only thing I can say is that you guys should have been already married if you supported him through every major milestone of his life and he is a complete a++hole for leaving you. WHAT A JERK!

I am so sorry, hugs.

LISTEN TO ME.

DO NOT CONTACT THIS GUY.

ZERO. NO.. MORE.. CONTACT.

Fuc* this guy, he literally cheated on you. Don't give him the time of day, you're 28 years old you WILL find your better half.

JKH.

Please JK, read this and then tell me what is wrong with this picture!

You apologised to him for not being supportive!!! You (then a girl of 23) was KEEPING this 39 year old man, paying for everything etc. and you then say you apologise for not supporting him.

And to top it all he tries to put the blame on you.

"When I met him he was working on a business degree and was broke. I used to help this man out with rent, groceries, gas, even child support payments. He was in school during the first 3 years of our relationship so I usually paid for everything. I bought him a brand new car that I’m still paying for, and I’ve been paying for our phones’ service.

"

Yesterday I took him out to lunch, apologized for not being supportive enough, and asked him to give me another chance to make things right between us. He kept refusing and finally told me about this other woman.

and you remark:

"I did so much for this man "

No you did TOO much for this man. That is what is at the heart of this matter.

I asked him if he even cared about not seeing me ever again, and he said “not entirely”. This was so painful for me to hear.

He never cared OP, sadly. "Hugging and holding hands" is meaningless, and nothing for others to be jealous about.

He was broke when he met you, carrying the baggage of his divorce, plus three children, and did he even work at all during his marriage, one wonders.

You got caught, you got conned, and he saw you coming. Regrettably that is the truth. OP.

It's tough, but be grateful he is gone.

Just to add, and although it might seem a futile endeavour, you should demand from him that he return you the money (considerable) that you spent on him.

I’m so afraid that he will be there happily enjoying his new relationship while I’m still in so much pain.

Firstly, you did nothing wrong....you are not to blame for any of this. You were as supportive as you could be, and judging by the way you supported him financially in the past....too supportive (paying your own way is admirable.....paying someone else's way while dating is looking to be taken advantage of in my book).

Simply put, he used you. The old saying 'love is blind' is once more proved true. Read your post as if someone else had written it and figure out what advice you would give them. You helped get him back on his feet and now that he is, your job is done as far as he is concerned.It of course will be portrayed that it is your fault in some way...that will keep you on the 'hook', so that you will think you will only get him back if you get something sorted in you. You are lined up to be the backup plan if things don't work out. Don't let yourself become a backup plan!!

The problem is with him. As regards worrying about him being happy.....I don't think you have to worry...he may be for a short while...but ultimately he seems like someone who will never find happiness....he seems to be unhappy with himself and would rather offload that responsibility on someone else, than take responsibility for it himself. The same will happen with his next girl.....just a matter of when.

I know when you're in the middle of something that it is virtually impossible to stand back from it and look at it without emotions creeping in, but when you do I think you will see that you deserve far better than this, and bottom line is people will keep giving us what we are willing to take.

I feel for you, and wish you well.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Unfortunately I still have to contact this guy because he’s still using the car that I’m paying for, and we have a cellphone plan together (which I pay for). I barely learned about this woman yesterday. Before yesterday I still had hope that we could get back together, so I had not asked him to return the car to me.

I know this is very stupid of me but I fear that once I drop him from my cellphone plan I won’t even know his new phone number, and I will lose touch with him forever. The thought of never speaking to him again has been giving me anxiety attacks, even though I know that is probably the best. I know I’m an idiot for thinking this way, but deep down I still have a little bit of hope that he will realize he made a mistake and come back to me. I genuinely loved this guy up until now and thought we had a future together. It’s extremely difficult to stop loving him overnight even knowing that he cheated on me.

LaHermes –

Sorry I wasn’t clear. When I said I didn’t support him I meant with his new business. I feel like I should have been more involved. He did work during his marriage and during part of his relationship with me. He’s actually a very hard worker when he has a job and has been working really hard for his business.

I really want to believe that he did love me, at least during our first years together. But I admit that sometimes I wonder if he used me because of what I provided for him.

I did ask him to pay me back at least a portion of the thousands of dollars I spent on him. He said he knows he owes me a lot (not just money) and he wants to transfer money into my account once he is able to. We’ll see.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Unfortunately I still have to contact this guy because he’s still using the car that I’m paying for, and we have a cellphone plan together (which I pay for). I barely learned about this woman yesterday. Before yesterday I still had hope that we could get back together, so I had not asked him to return the car to me.

I know this is very stupid of me but I fear that once I drop him from my cellphone plan I won’t even know his new phone number, and I will lose touch with him forever. The thought of never speaking to him again has been giving me anxiety attacks, even though I know that is probably the best. I know I’m an idiot for thinking this way, but deep down I still have a little bit of hope that he will realize he made a mistake and come back to me (stupid, I know). I genuinely loved this guy up until now and thought we had a future together. It’s extremely difficult for me to stop loving him overnight even knowing that he cheated on me.

LaHermes –

Sorry I wasn’t clear. When I said I didn’t support him I meant with his new business. I feel like I should have been more involved.

He did work during his marriage and during part of his relationship with me. He’s actually a very hard worker. I've seen him work really hard for his business.

I really want to believe that he did love me, at least during our first years together. But I admit that sometimes I wonder if he used me because of what I provided for him.

I did ask him to pay me back at least a portion of the thousands of dollars I spent on him. He said he knows he owes me a lot (not just money) and he wants to transfer money into my account once he is able to. We’ll see.

Seanryder -

" ...but ultimately he seems like someone who will never find happiness...."

It honestly kills me to think that. I really don't want him to be unhappy for the rest of his life because I know he has been for a big part of it. I just really wish it had been with me and not another woman. My biggest fear is that he will get completely over me and forget me.

I did tell him how awful it feels knowing that I supported him when he was at his worst, and as soon as he starts to get back on his feet he leaves me for another woman.

Yes, OP.

That's the sum of it.

"But I admit that sometimes I wonder if he used me because of what I provided for him."

And yes, I know what you meant about "support" meaning involved in the business. I think you supported him enough as it was!!

And even if you had been involved in the business and been there he would still fly under your radar.

You remarked:

" The thought of never speaking to him again has been giving me anxiety attacks, "

The thought that you might take up with this person again is giving ME anxiety attacks. L:

At least get the car back, because I wouldn't like to bet heavy money that you will one day get back your "investment", let alone interest on same.

Ok, hands down, you need to contact him *today* and tell him you respect his wishes to be with this woman or end your relationship. Follow that up with: I need you to return my car later today or tomorrow. Then, cut him from your cell phone plan immediately.

The fact that he is even still driving the car you are paying for says all you need to know about this person. He is most definitely a user and leaning on somebody fresh out of undergrad at 39? Come on...

You should probably reiterate the message to him in text after telling him on the phone: I need you to return my car today or tomorrow. It is my property and I am making the payments. If he doesn't return it, you will have the text as proof if you need to get legal involved. Please do not let yourself be taken advantage of by some scummy guy.

I would get him out of my life. I would tell the girl to ask herself if she can trust someone who cheated on someone to sleep with her and i would cut him out of my life forever. I would stop making payments on the car if its not in your name, and if it is, I would repossess it. If your name is solely on it, I would just take it and drive away. He has taken advantage of you because you allowed it. You were young and naive and he took full advantage.

I did tell him how awful it feels knowing that I supported him when he was at his worst, and as soon as he starts to get back on his feet he leaves me for another woman.

 

JKH,

You owe it to yourself to get a new number and forget about this guy. He used you for money. If you love him then go no contact and pull away to see if he will tug back at you but change your number for sure.

I could not agree more with all the advice you've already received.

1) You did not do anything wrong by not working with him in his business. It's HIS business. That's why he hires employees. So you're supposed to work with him forever just so he won't hire a female that he'll find attractive? That's absurd.

2) Call him RIGHT NOW and demand your car back. Take legal action if necessary.

3) Call the mobile phone company RIGHT NOW and cut off his phone. DONE.

I am sorry you're hurting. This guy did a number on you. He's a class A a-hole. You are so much better without this bloodsucker in your life.

Is there any hope for humanity anymore? Reading posts like this makes me strongly think there is no hope.

OP, make a vision board of what you want out of life and what type of partner you want. And then put the board away, or, keep it in your daily sight. I promise you, your life is worth much more than this guy could ever give. Be in control of your life, your destiny, your story. Don't let him drive while you sit in the back seat watching him and his fling play handsy.

Hello JKH -

I just saw your thread and I can relate so much to your story.

I was with my ex-fiance for 5.5yrs and we planned on getting married at the end of this year.

She left on March 24th, and got a new BF "officially" on May 20th. I have suspicions she was "emotionally cheating" at the end of the relationship... which gave her the courage to leave so abruptly.

This man has used you for your kindness and that is the worst. I know why you supported him though, because you loved him so much and would do anything for him. But, as it turns out, he wouldn't do anything for you.

What's sad is that this new girl of his has more respect for you than he does...

I envy you that your ex-fiance reached out to you and said he regrets doing what he did to you... but then you need to ask yourself, does he really mean it? Or is he just saying that to bait me in again?

Whatever you do, please, please do not try to "buy" his love back by giving him any more money, or by allowing him to keep the car and phone service.

You do NOT want a man who only stays around so you can buy him things.

PS: I know someone who did that. She had one guy who thought he was her boyfriend, but she actually had a "real" boyfriend he knew nothing about. She flat out told me she only kept the first guy around because he bought her things. He had bought her 3 Coach bags, for example. I told her that wasn't nice and she said "I know, but I'm going to keep doing it anyway". Fortunately one of his friends saw her with her "real" boyfriend and told him. She tried to say the "real" boyfriend was her cousin (!), but he was smart enough to see through that lie. He confided in me how hurt he was by her actions, that he loved her and wanted to protect her, but that he had enough self-respect to not allow her to use him anymore. She's since been using another guy to give her money, which she uses to buy things for her "real" boyfriend. Trust me, these people do not feel bad at all for using nice people for money.

Nothing to envy there, Jedi. Nothing.

Loving someone does not mean being their caretaker, mother, fixer, bank, educator.

Hello JKH -

 

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

This man has used you for your kindness and that is the worst. I know why you supported him though, because you loved him so much and would do anything for him. But, as it turns out, he wouldn't do anything for you.

Hi LonelyJedi,

Yes, that is true. I did all that for him because I truly loved him. I still do, unfortunately. I'm sorry about your ex-fiance. I hope we can heal and get over our exes. At least we know that the pain won't last forever, but in the meanwhile it feels like such a torture.

What's sad is that this new girl of his has more respect for you than he does...

Exactly! I told him that his girl has the integrity to be honest and respectful with me, which he doesn't. I told him she has way more balls than him and he's a coward.

I envy you that your ex-fiance reached out to you and said he regrets doing what he did to you... but then you need to ask yourself, does he really mean it? Or is he just saying that to bait me in again?

Honesltly I don't think he wants to bait me in. Stupidly I wish he still had even the slightest interest in me, but I don't think so. It's clear to me that he wants to pursue a relationship with her.

boltnrun -

Nooo, there's no way. Before I found out about the other woman I was willing to continue to pay for the car and phone for a little while, while we figured something out. But now that I know about the woman there's no way I'm going to pay for a car just so that he can drive around with --or call-- the one that he cheated with.

Hi LonelyJedi,

Yes, that is true. I did all that for him because I truly loved him. I still do, unfortunately. I'm sorry about your ex-fiance. I hope we can heal and get over our exes. At least we know that the pain won't last forever, but in the meanwhile it feels like such a torture.

 

 

 

 

Exactly! I told him that his girl has the integrity to be honest and respectful with me, which he doesn't. I told him she has way more balls than him and he's a coward.

 

 

 

Honesltly I don't think he wants to bait me in. Stupidly I wish he still had even the slightest interest in me, but I don't think so. It's clear to me that he wants to pursue a relationship with her.

 

 

boltnrun -

 

Nooo, there's no way. Before I found out about the other woman I was willing to continue to pay for the car and phone for a little while, while we figured something out. But now that I know about the woman there's no way I'm going to pay for a car just so that he can drive around with --or call-- the one that he cheated with.

What you need to learn is that you don't give someone money because you love them. I am not talking about clothing and feeding a child. I am talking about choosing a boyfriend who already supports himself fine and doesn't "need" you to do it for him. He already puts food on the table for himself, has a car - doesn't have to be anything ritzy - but a guy who is handling it himself before you come along. He has a place to live - he pays his own way. Even a guy who decides to go to school at a later age --- he takes a class at a time so he can manage it or even finds an employer who will pay for classes. There are ways to finagle it.

Above all you DO NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT TO HIS KIDS THAT ARE NOT YOURS. You have spent so much money on him when you could have been saving for your future or taking classes yourself or owning your own place.

So -- go get your car if its in your name and shut off his phone. No "figuring things out" - he can go back to mommy and daddy to have them pay for his phone or sponge off his new girlfriend.

I used to date a guy who had "trouble" keeping a job. He never had any money, was living in a shack that didn't even have a floor (just the concrete foundation and base), no heat or cooling (it was in the desert), was driving a truck his dad owned, seldom had food in the house (went to a pantry that provided staples for low income families), etc. One time he asked if he could borrow my gas card to put some gas in his truck. When I got the bill, it was almost $200! His truck had two tanks and he'd filled them both. When I asked him for the money, he grinned, turned his pockets inside out and shook them to show me they were empty. He actually thought this was cute!

I was a single mom of two children and I was NOT going to support an able-bodied man. So, whenever he'd leave the house and I was staying there, I'd drive somewhere and buy myself something to eat, then eat it there. I'd be darned if I was going to buy him food after he pulled that gas stunt! Once in a while I'd put some makings for sandwiches in his fridge, but otherwise I figured if he was hungry he could get a damn job.

Turns out, he was a crack addict and spent every penny he could scrounge on drugs. He even stole my wedding set that I'd been saving for a rainy day, to trade for a rock. Great.

Anyway, there is no reason whatsoever for you (or anyone else) to give that much money to an able-bodied adult unless there is some kind of arrangement to pay it back. And him dumping you not long after you paid for him to start his business? Yeah, that's a class A user right there. Brings to mind the wife or husband who puts their spouse through medical school only to be dumped for a younger model once the spouse starts earning the big money.

Retrieve YOUR car, cancel the phone plan, and be grateful that you can now spend your hard-earned money on YOU, or save it if you wish. The leech is gone, hallelujah!

Sorry that you are going through this right now, but I think you really dodged a bullet with this one.

If it wasn't this woman, it would probably be someone else.

You need to reach out to him and ask him for the car back. Maybe it's best that you remove him from your cell phone plan as well, as you need to go no contact with him.

Stop blaming yourself for not being supportive enough. You've been more than supportive throughout your 5 year relationship. While he was struggling, you've been helping him every step of the way. The moment he gets himself situated, this is the thanks you get? Be glad that you aren't married with his children. What would happen then?

I know it hurts right now, but it will get better due time.

You need to pick yourself up, and find someone who deserves you. I know you invested 5 years with him, but 5 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of pain with someone who isn't worth your time.

Guys, I really need some words of encouragement.

I know I shouldn't have, but I looked at this woman's Facebook profile and she posted that they were somewhere together. I feel so betrayed. This feels completely unreal to me.

Guys, I really need some words of encouragement.

 

I know I shouldn't have, but I looked at this woman's Facebook profile and she posted that they were somewhere together. I feel so betrayed. This feels completely unreal to me.

Block him & her on Facebook.

You will find only pain...

That's what I had to do. I unfriended her, but then when I found out about her new BF I blocked both of them.

Your ex-fiance & mine seem to be toxic (from what people tell me anyway). We are recovering from a horrible drug that we have been addicted to.

People tell us that our "drug" is destructive for us and just causes us more pain... But the pain reminds us that our past was real and we don't want to let them go forever.

We need to literally detox ourselves from these people and completely cut them off. It is very painful, I am still reeling since she left in March.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more.

I would really recommend some counseling. This guy is a piece of trash. He uses you and muniplulates you yet you keep coming back. He convinces you that it is your fault. All of this and you are still blind to his true colors.

Kick him off you cellplan and get your car back. Go NC and get some help.

This woman just changed her status to "engaged" and posted "I f*cking engaged!" on her profile.

I don't know if it is real, or if she is just doing it because she assumes I will be looking at her profile (she has everything public).

I don't know what to think, but if it's true it will be so devastating to me.

I still can't believe this is happening. We only broke up 5 days ago. And I believe they have only been together for 2 months or less.

What kills me is that there were no real signs that he wanted to break up with me. This man would still treat me as usual and text me something along the lines of "have a wonderful day my love" every day while I was at work up until last week. He would call me "love" and "babe" and be his usual self up until 2 days before the breakup. I know this means nothing but what I'm trying to say is that I saw practically no warning signs that this was coming, and that's what makes this situation so much more difficult.

I went from having my fiance of 5 years and almost 7 months by my side, thinking everything was good between us, to finding out he was cheating on me and him leaving me for another woman in just a few days. I still can't believe it's happening. It feels so unreal and cruel to me.

I know you guys will tell me that I shouldn't be looking at their profiles and I know it's true. I guess I'm just trying to be sure if this is really over so I can begin the painful process of healing. Still, I don't know if this is real or if she's just doing it hoping I will see it. This woman is the type of person that posts everything to facebook. From looking at her profile she seems immature, shallow, and classless. Some of her posts are what I would expect a 14 year old to post to FB honestly.

I will ask for my car back today or tomorrow. I just need to keep my composure because I don't want him to see me destroyed or even sad. As tempting as it is to show him how much damage he's done I know pity won't get me anywhere. He doesn't deserve my tears and I know it.

LonelyJedi -

Thank you. I hope you are doing okay too. It's hard to understand how people can be so heartless.

thealchemist -

I had not considered it but I think it would be a good idea. I am not doing too bad right now, but I have a feeling that won't be the case once I start NC.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Believe it or not it really helps to have other people listen and give their honest opinions.

Jesus Christ. Every day someone is f#%king someone over somewhere.

JKH I'm just climbing out of a pit of despair after being replaced. I was codependent with a helpless waif for 18 months and ignored all of the sociopathic signs; namely a lack of empathy. Feel free to PM me. I have some tools and coping mechanisms to get you out of the first stage of grief. Otherwise...

This man is a piece of sh%t. There are so many non starters in your story. But let's start with..

He's screwing a girl he's known since her childhood. Take yourself out of the equation. Would it surprise you to find out that he was grooming her when she was underage?

You need to ask yourself why....why are you in a place where your boundaries have been washed away to the point that you would want anything to do with this man? We give "these people" so much and we do it because we EXPECT love in return. And that's horse. There are no guarantees. This man will be withering away soon. He's grabbing on to chicklets to feed his "supply." I won't bother with psycho jargon but something irreparable happened to him during childhood and you have absorbed his pain. It's been transferred to you like a curse. You played a role in this by allowing it. Look at yourself. You are young and insightful and loving and intelligent. Is this how you want your life to look?

Show him who's ing boss. Block his ass change your number and don't look back. I stayed friends with my ex gf for a few weeks and I saw and heard things THAT YOU WON't WANT TO SEE AND HEAR.

Dig down!!! Reach in. Puke up the wretched bloody vomit that is making you sick. Get angry for now. BLOCK HIM. LEAVE HIM IN THE COLD.

Let the ho have him. His problems are jut beginning and don't be surprised if you hear that he was found hanging in a closet in 10 years after she leaves him for a younger more attractive guy.

Right now treat yourself as though you are an addict. Heroin users go back to the needle knowing full well that it's bad for them. This is no different. You are going through the same chemical process that a drug addict goes through during withdrawal. If you look at his or her social media, if you contact him, you have to start over. EVERY TIME.

He is GARBAGE. HE HAS NO HUMAN VALUE. DENY IT. GO AHEAD. HE HAS NO VALUE. NONE. THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT HIM. and I wouldn't be surprised if there were darker things you don't know about him.

As far as the car goes, you're smart enough to rectify that situation without contacting him. If you don't, you're clinging. Please...

Again pm me if you need help getting through the immediate. In a matter of weeks you could at least have perspective and the pain will be dull enough to enjoy life and make you realize that you WILL recover 100%.

Remember this. It's not him you miss or love. It's a version of him that you're mind is creating. It's not real. It's a mechanism to ensure monogamy and mating. Ironically attachment helped propagate our species. But nature doesn't concern itself with pain. It's not him. It's pieces of him that you're putting together. The good memories. The person you're thinking about only exists in your mind. The real "him" is fu#%ing his friends daughter. Fuc#%ing creep.