Intelligence: It's hard to talk about when someone close to you seems slow

I am not seeking advice here. I'm really just openly reflecting on my struggle to understand matters of intelligence, elitism, and having a family member who seems sort of... slow.

My mother lives with me currently so I have been able to get to know her better after living apart for 15+ years. As a younger person I slowly realized that she didn't present herself as very intelligent. Not because she wasn't. I wasn't sure. She didn't act the part--she acted goofy and would just say dumb things. One of the earliest memories I have is being around 9 years old. She made a statement towards me about something pretty benign. I asked her to explain it because I didn't understand or was curious. She snapped at me with, "I don't know!"

So that's pretty normal. I was able to quickly accept that idea that she didn't feel the need to answer my questions because she was the parent and I was the child. It still bothered me as a child but that was a reasonable response--I guess.

Well, it's been 25+ years since I was 9. I am still an inquisitive person and I realize that my mother is actually deeply and profoundly insecure of her intelligence and it's painful to see her try to think, learn, or study (she panics, cries, and gets confused). To top it off I am now an educator--at a community college--so much of my life revolves around issues relating to education, studying, learning, and communication.

Again, I am thinking out loud about what it means to be intelligent. What that means of relationships and empathy.

When I reflect on being a child I think the biggest problem my mother had was admitting she didn't know or understanding an issue. So she would make excuses instead. I hate that. I've met a number of people like that. Instead of admitting vulnerability in their knowledge, they think making up is better. It's awful.

I hate to say this but my mother recently asked me, "What's the cold war?". She wasn't asking for an explanation. She had never heard of it. She's 59 years old and has lived in the U.S. for 45+ years--longer than I have. So that's pretty bad.

But she has improved. She will, quietly, admit she doesn't know something without getting angry. I'm sort of proud of her for doing that. However it's still painful for me because I feel judgemental towards her. I feel disappointed that she couldn't manage to improve her ability to study or learn over the years. I feel sad for her that this failure has left her struggling in her later life.

I discussed with her more than ten years ago that she should consider going back to school or seeking job training. She 100% refused to do so because she was scared. That was it.

She has to move on with her life and settle with whatever failures she may have. We all have to do that. I just don't want to feel resentful or disappointed in her. I want to feel empathetic but... I feel frustrated.

Has anyone else dealt with conflicting emotions with a loved one who seems not too bright?

Intelligence and ability to study effectively has nothing to do with emotional intelligence or healthy boundaries. You clearly have the former in abundance, but you may find your mother easier to cope with if you have a look at the notion of 'boundaries' i.e. where you finish and the other person starts. There is also a difference between intelligence and knowledge, and you seem to be conflating the two.

This is the nub of your problem:

However it's still painful for me because I feel judgemental towards her.

To put it another way, if she cannot achieve what she wants to achieve in life because of lack of intellectual capacity or confidence - that's her problem. If you get upset about it - that's your problem.

If you want to stop feeling resentful or disappointed in her, then stop looking at what you consider to be her failures and regard her as a whole person with worth and dignity. The ability to study effectively and retain facts is a very small part of what it means to be human.

For what it's worth, my mother is very intelligent and went to university in an age when very few women did. She is also such an emotional cripple that I spent a large part of my adult life undoing the damage I suffered as a child, and ensuring that she was unable to wreak any more damage. I'd have been much better off with a loving, demonstrative mother who wasn't "too bright".

Part of my open discussion is to acknowledge that I have a problem and I feel bad that I hold these emotions when I'd rather not. I certainly don't blame her for those emotions. I'm also wondering if people relate. I certainly feel like an as hole for holding these emotions.

"If you want to stop feeling resentful or disappointed in her, then stop looking at what you consider to be her failures and regard her as a whole person with worth and dignity"

I will need to focus on that. Certainly one of the challenges, and this may relate to boundaries, is that her life is lately troubled and... it's as though I have to look the other way and simply accept this without questioning the reasons that led to it. I suppose I just need to focus on the fact that she is a person deserving of love.

I definitely am conflating the two issues of knowledge and intelligence partly because it's difficult for me to know if she is able to learn effectively vs she hasn't acquired whatever knowledge over the years. This is coming up right now because she asks for my help to write her resume--she sort of won't write it herself and states that she simply "can't". Also she very understandably needs computer help which makes sense.

Our conversation just gets into weird territory where I try to ask if she's open to job training or any other training in order to improve her situation and... she just sighs and states that many of these things are too difficult for her.

Either way perhaps I just need to look past that. It's hard. I am witnessing her struggle.

I have no problem with a loving mother (I'm putting aside the issue that my mother has certainly been somewhat mean to me over the years) who is not very bright. I understand that. I'm just hoping to see her survive right now and it's scary to see her struggles.

What kind of work does she want to do? It just might be a matter of acceptance -whether it's that she is not that intelligent or (more likely) she doesn't have the confidence to take on the challenge of learning, or the security to say "I don't know" and then, if she wants to know, to ask that it be explained - she is who she is. I am 50 and highly educated, professionally employed and......I was reading a second grade level geography book with my 8 year old and I confess there were certain concepts in there that I could not have remembered off the top of my head. And yes sometimes my son will ask me a question in a subject I am weak in (science for example) and I'll tell him that we'll need to look it up on the computer. But no I don't feel upset about it or insecure.

Was she a full time mom? Did she have the opportunity to improve her studies while she was raising you?

Oscuro. In the title of your thread you said "seems slow". And the emphasis there is IMO on the "seems".

Definitely not slow, but obviously (and we can hark back to your other threads on this) very anxiety-ridden, fearful of persons she sees as in positions of authority, not perhaps even in contact with the real world and therefore fearful of going out into it, and she will kick back at any suggestion of training, education or job-seeking as she does not wish to leave the - to her - "safe" confines of your apartment.

I remember you remarking if there was some way of finding her an "easy", non-demanding job of some kind, where she wouldn't be "yelled at" etc.

"Our conversation just gets into weird territory where I try to ask if she's open to job training or any other training in order to improve her situation and... she just sighs and states that many of these things are too difficult for her."

Slow, no; fearful, yes.

Yes, people with anxiety are not slow, some have crippling anxiety.

Let go of your ideas on intelligence, knowledge, superiority, etc, and the need to judge others. Knowledge or the ability to explain concepts or politics or things that happen outside of one's personal sphere are not the only measures of intelligence. And intelligence is not the only thing that matters in a person. It might not be the most important thing. Maybe you feel her responses are a reflection on you? I'll bet she has heard about the Cold War but in different terms, such as the arms race or the threat of nuclear war. On the other hand, she may have felt overwhelmed about that (many of us from that generation were) and put it out of her mind to focus on things in her life she could attend to. She raised you, and you've turned out well. If someone doesn't have the same knowledge or understanding as you, or does not discuss things in your preferred style, it does not mean they are any lesser than you.

I didn't see my grandmother as "intelligent" in an academic sense -and certainly not worldly - and I am sure she didn't see herself that way in the least. And I was and I was very into that kind of thing from a young age. And I never really noticed in any focused way. She was just my grandmother who loved me, who took care of me when I was sick, who was my main babysitter for years, who let me eat that yummy spaghetti from a can but also made me bland comfort food that I still miss. Who paid for my trip abroad when I was a teenager and my parents couldn't afford it and who listened to me in a way that my parents sometimes didn't or couldn't. I completely agree in this level of acceptance of those you care about and who show you they care about you. I know you said your mother acted in a mean way at times but that sounds like it's in the past. I just don't want you to regret a missed connection in your future either when she is gone or heaven forbid is not able to function because of alzheimers or a related illness.

Around puberty until mid 20s I felt similarly about my father. He dropped out of school in 8th grade. He was barely literate most of my life. I felt insecurity about him for awhile. My mom is an APRN and has multiple PhDs.

It wasn't until my mid 20s that I started to respect individuality a lot. My dad is his own person and I am my own. What he does or say doesn't reflect on what I do or say. He would make comments that just require a face palm a lot. I remember my friends offhandidly joking about it. It bothered me when I was younger.

As I got older and saw more humanity I realized that my father has a ton a redeeming qualities. He is a better and more reliable dad that so many others. He also came from an extremely troubled childhood and never got to see what a family should be like. He might not be smart in some ways bit he is by no means unintelligent.

I honestly feel like accepting who your parents are is a big part of growing up. It can be very hard to see them without the eyes of a child sometimes.

The reason I question her ability is because of this. To my understanding there's current research on early childhood development in regards to "impulse control". Often the expression used is "flight or fight". There are studies trying to understand how impulse control contributes to a young person's ability to study, focus, and learn. Some studies (possibly all of them) suggest that impulse control directly impacts a person's ability to perform tasks like concentration which then influences the person's ability to learn.

My mother also on a number of occasions has expressed that she believes she is "slow". I don't call her "slow" and frankly I have not been around her for 15+ years until recently. She simply expresses that to me. This is difficult to explain but her and I did not spend a lot of time together when I was growing up. I moved out at 18 years old. I didn't walk around our home calling my mother "slow". She believes she's slow.

So before this issue came up again I had to do some reading online about the subject of "slow learning". It is different from developmental issues. It isn't the same within the education field. I was reading on the topic in order to understand how to approach some of my students.

So that's the context. I can't diagnose my mother and there is no need to but please don't think I'm trying to be cruel by wondering if she's slow. I don't like thinking that. I don't like holding that perspective but I am not trying to be mean. I stood in front of my mother a few days politely asking if she's be interested in computer classes for beginners. She looked as sad as she always does and said that those classes don't work and that she's very slow and it would take too long for to learn what she needs.

Regarding anxiety... Ha. Yeah she does struggle with that and I asked her if she agrees with the idea that she may struggle with anxiety. She said "no" and that whenever I bring it up it makes her feel more "anxious"... I'm just venting now.

She does not want to strike out on her own, Oscuro. There is not much need to analyse the situation.

Getting any kind of tuition or further education would mean she would be "expected" to get a job, live on her own, whatever. She is quite a young woman.

She is by no means "slow" but it suits her to say she is.

"She looked as sad as she always does and said that those classes don't work and that she's very slow and it would take too long for to learn what she needs.

"

The simple fact is she wants to continue to live with you, (in very confined accommodation from what you have said in other threads).

Also, she must be computer literate to some extent because you once said she was getting entangled on "dating sites".

I honestly feel like accepting who your parents are is a big part of growing up. It can be very hard to see them without the eyes of a child sometimes.

That's certainly the internal dilemma I am facing. Of course I used to view my mom as invincible and highly capable when I was a child. I was quickly introduced to her flaws or quirks. Now I'm older and I haven't been around her much for years and I'm face to face with her fears and problems. It's just hard realize and understand the person she fully is but I need to accept her as she is. Which is difficult because... she seems deeply unhappy.

That's certainly the internal dilemma I am facing. Of course I used to view my mom as invincible and highly capable when I was a child. I was quickly introduced to her flaws or quirks. Now I'm older and I haven't been around her much for years and I'm face to face with her fears and problems. It's just hard realize and understand the person she fully is but I need to accept her as she is. Which is difficult because... she seems deeply unhappy.

It is different when we realize parents are just people with flaws like everyone else.