How Do I Quit This Job Gracefully?

Hi,

I'm so frustrated...I don't know how to leave this job gracefully. It's as much a rant as asking you all how the hell do I get out of this minefield gracefully, with a reference!

I've spent the last seven months at this tiny business as an administrator (I used to be an estate agent; I'm 22) in a really rural location before uni starts in September. My real job seems to be managing the boss, lets call him L. L is a self-confessed ex-addict (drugs, alcohol) and is a very eccentric character. The second-in-command is an amazing woman whose work ethic and professionalism have inspired me, let's call her D. I really look up to D, as it is in my mind that the general running of the business falls to her, she has a lot on her plate in that regard and she makes it work. D is L's ex-wife; we get on very well and I try hard for her.

I find him difficult to deal with. As the months have rolled on, I really, really struggle with this man. I love D, and really want to help her. In the beginning I threw myself into the job, and I received a raise and plenty of praise. But I have no more initiative (the office is for four people; I can't rework anything else or find better prices, etc... I've sort of done it all/burnt out.) and no one will give me jobs, regardless of how much I ask. I've been getting depressed because I like to work, I want to help.

All the while my boss is a very difficult man to deal with. It's started to show on my face, in my tone. I can't keep it together barely, the whole setup is so inefficient and counter intuitive and I hate my interaction with the boss. I used to be in a job where I was relied upon heavily for results/improvement/progress, now I feel like I'm his errand girl/dumping ground/dogsbody.

I received an email from him this morning telling me:

"I find you can be quite defensive often when I ask something of you.

The result is I am getting to the point where I don't want to ask you for anything as it verges on a battle of wills when I do. I feel as though you question many of my requests and decisions and we can find ourselves bickering over quite mundane things. I certainly do not want to upset you or cause any problems. I have told you many times how much we value your contribution, however I have raised this particular issue with you before verbally and now feel the need to put into writing. I know that I am not in any way perfect but I do try to be clear and as you are aware I have a lot to deal with on a daily basis. I have confidence that you will be as aware of the issue as I am and open to finding a more congenial way of us working together.

In summary, all I ask that you are a little more cooperative with me please?"

Which is a terrible thing to receive!

But here are my grievances I can't tell him:

I will detail some incidents/traits of my boss:

* Makes inappropriate comments in a jokey/likeable way that nonetheless irk me, i.e. n*gger in the woodpile

* Being aggressive/intense/devaluing around you, i.e. swearing at his computer, complaining loudly of the office's organisation, asking how to spell things/tell him the time/make him coffee/change the A4 tray to A3, interrupting you when you are working to make demands, speaking abruptly and loudly to D.

* Uses D and I as a sounding board/dump for his personal life stories/grievances/observations without really wanting our input/uses us like blank canvasses he can unload on, i.e. telling me about the "gorgeous asian woman who has he met at a restaurant who has a mutual interest in tea ceremony"

* Frequently absent from work, working from home but calls the office constantly to complain of minor grievances, i.e. doesn't like how the digital filing system is organised

* Asks nicely but in a way that makes refusal difficult, to carry out personal chores, i.e. going to his house and filing his paperwork (divorce)

* Tells you to do one thing one day, then experiencing amnesia and denying asking you to do it/condemning you for doing it.

* Using a tone of voice which makes you feel like an imbecile, i.e. the boys and I all agree this to be true, not just me.

* Swearing in conversation to you, i.e. "I'm done with the f*cking health and safety, find another job to do, I don't want to hear it any more".

* Blowing up over small things and becoming worked up/aggressive over the situation with no need, and speaking about our boys (we work construction) badly, i.e. calling them stupid, monkeys.

* Jokingly reminding us of his position of authority; "I am god, do what I say"

* Asking your opinion, making you stand up and walk around with him whilst he talks you through it, and when you disagree/have suggestions, he doesn't want to hear it.

* Being on the phone in work, loudly discussing personal things (his cousin's treatment for alcoholism) and complaining to you he is very busy, and has a lot on his plate when you ask him to do things he doesn't want to do (rationalise his desk/paperwork), but refuses your efforts to help him manage his time.

* Expecting you to be a mind reader, i.e. "did you put the windows down on my car? well you should have; it's a hot day".

* Procrastinates by micro-managing and assigning tasks that you have already completed: "Make it so all documents are in folders. I don't like them any other way. I didn't put them there, you need to sort it out". He did put them there, he will be angry if I change it, but on that day, he wanted me to do it. I'll get a telling off later.

All in all, I am so frustrated and upset; I just want to hand in my notice but now it looks like I'm doing it because of the warning. I have to give four weeks...how do I go about this?!

I would never leave a job without having another job offer. Why don't you get another job and give your 4 weeks notice? It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. You always do what's best for yourself. If you are applying for jobs, you will say that you don't want the potential employer contacting your present job, which is common, because they understand you don't want your present job to know. If you quit, you will be listing your last job and they will call them and get bad reviews of your work history.

I agree with Andrina about having another job lined up in most cases. However, you are starting school in the fall, so you basically do have a job lined up. If you have enough money to last for two months, I don't see the harm in quitting now. Also, two weeks notice is usually the standard. But, I live in America. Maybe it's different in the UK.

Anyway, whatever you decide, good luck to you!

I've been in similair situation with my past job. The best you can do is start searching for another job and stop being stressed out because you will go soon.

I would begin to save every e-mail and document everything. (I'd save the e-mails offline and away from the work servers.)

Continue your job search and as hard as it might be, do your best to be professional. Even if you don't like him, unfortunately he is your boss.

Like people have said, you may not be able to immediately change a situation, however you can change how to deal with it.

Good luck.

I don't have any real advice on this subject....just to say that someday in the future you will be glad you had this job, purely because it will make you appreciate a good job when you get one and make you more contented and happy when you do find one (believe me I've been there).

Best of luck.

First and foremost, I totally agree with with the above; get another job first. Who knows how long you could go before you find another job. You may quit, and then be out of work for god knows how many months unable to pay your bills and so forth. I know it sucks, but you will have to put up with it until you have something else lined up. You are very young and not the best/experienced candidate yet to land jobs (yes, experience counts, sometimes more than having a fancy degree).

Second; sometimes you can't quit gracefully. It sounds like your current boss is a total butthole and may not respect you leaving the company. I want to say this; you don't NEED a reference to say you worked for this company in your resume. It is nice to have, but not required. Get out there and start looking for another job. When you find one, no one/nothing is stopping you from quitting immediately. Four weeks notice, that's ridiculous and unheard of. It is more traditional to give a company a two-weeks notice to wrap up work for them and leave graciously, but absolutely NOT required.

I quit a fairly good/prestigious job once by slamming the door in their face. No two weeks notice, nothing. You don't owe people squat (unless you have a contract/legal agreement with them). You're not a slave. If you don't like this job, quit, find another, and don't worry about pleasing the unpleasable.