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My husband sucks sometimes


Marshmellow12

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So, my husband is a workaholic. I'm proud of him for working hard, but sometimes he doesn't do the things he says he's going to do. We have been together for 6 years. He didn't "have time" to meet my family until we had already been together for 4 years and the only reason he went with me to visit them that time was because we had just gotten engaged. So my family didn't even know him until after we got engaged. The next and last time he saw my family was on our wedding day a year ago. Recently he was telling me how he was going to take me on a vacation because he never spends time with me and bla bla bla. I told him I wanted him to go with me to visit my family one weekend and he said "I can't take off work to take you on a vacation AND take off to visit your family so pick one and we will do whatever you want." So I picked for him to go with me to visit my family. It's been planned for 2 months and now that it's time for us to go this weekend he can't because he has to work. He never told his boss he needed off. Now he's not going to visit my family with me and he never took me on a vacation either. I'm so upset. Am I being unreasonable?

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Well, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with your spouse . Often for men their identity is their work . That's how they value themselves . Society has taught them that their value is in working . Can you go and see your family on your own or go on a mini holiday on your own ? Sometimes I do a lot of day trips with a friend and her daughter if my husband can't get away .

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well, i'll be brutally honest, i don't have much of a life, so a great deal of my identity is my work, i'm quite the introvert too so while i can't see myself with someone who would expect me to socialize a lot and hop from visit to visit with them...i think it's super-rude and weird for family to not even get to meet the person their child is marrying...like...wow.

 

i can't help feeling there's more to the story though. don't your parents/siblings come visit you guys? how would that sit with everyone involved? do you visit his folks? do friends come over to your house, do you socialize on your own...?

 

this can't just be happening in a vacuum...?

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My great grandparents raised me and they are not able to drive anymore so we have to go to them. It's only a 2 hour drive. I do things with his family multiple times a week because we live on the same farm as his family. I am very close to his family and it makes me sad that he has no interest in getting to know my family. Yes, we socialize with our friends too.

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My ex used to hate going to visit my family. He said he felt lonely and uncomfortable there, because my focus was on the visit (and not on him). So I always tried to check in with him when he came with me. For years he resented the money and time we spent going there.

 

Ironically, now that we are divorced, he is wistful when I go, and has fond memories. Go figure.

 

Obviously your family is a big part of you, so it must hurt deeply that he doesn't want to spend time with them. And I also think it is important for you to get away together as just the two of you, so you can nurture and replenish your relationship.

 

It is all about balance and compromise.

 

I have many of the same questions as Rainycoast. Also, what are your goals in your goals in your marriage?

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After my first marriage ended, I dated a workaholic for a year. I could see over time that work was the priority over everything else, including family. I'm so much happier now, being married to a man who has a high work ethic, but he's not a workaholic. You have settled, and you married him anyway, even though you knew he possessed this sickness, and yes, it is a major flaw. It doesn't mean things can't change, however. You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. You need to tell him how you feel like you're a lower priority than work, because he can't even plan for two days to do what you asked for, and he knew how important it was for you.

 

In every job, there are always days off accumulating for full time employees. There is no excuse for not taking that time, and taking a personal day off now and then. Perhaps share with him an article on workaholics, which he will recognize the signs in himself, and how it's unhealthy for himself and his loved ones. Let him know the seriousness of the matter, that you will seek counseling by yourself if he refuses to attend couples counseling with you, because you're not going to live the rest of your life like this.

 

And if he doesn't change, I hope you don't have children with this man. You will be doing all of the work raising them, and the children won't appreciate an absent father. I found out that the grown daughter of the workaholic I dated wouldn't even speak to him. My father regularly got awards for never missing work and never took vacation, which he now sees as a sickness. My mother recently said how she was so mad that he missed my religious confirmation because he wouldn't take time off of work. I can only say he had time for us kids very briefly on Sundays.

 

Your needs matter too. Make sure you're not a martyr for someone you will cross an ocean for, and he won't even jump over a puddle for you.

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As a man I can identify with your husband.

 

We are taught from an early age that we need to provide for, protect and work hard for our families. Most men think if they do those things they are being a good husband. Of course that isn't true because being a good husband is so much more than that.

 

This is not going to get better unless you know what you want out of your marriage and he knows what he wants out of the marriage.

 

Do you work?

 

Why does he work so many hours?

 

Are you in debt?

 

Do you have new cars to be paid for? New house?

 

Is he escaping to work to avoid something?

 

Lost

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I work a lot also (about 45-50 hours a week) he works about 75 hours a week. I'm not sure why he works to much. He's trying to save for us to build a house. He's been a workaholic since I've known him. He has his own business plus he manages another business on the side now too. making money makes him feel good.

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My great grandparents raised me and they are not able to drive anymore so we have to go to them. It's only a 2 hour drive. I do things with his family multiple times a week because we live on the same farm as his family. I am very close to his family and it makes me sad that he has no interest in getting to know my family. Yes, we socialize with our friends too.

 

Is he working so much because he is a workaholic or because he is a farmer and it's not really an option but rather a lifestyle?

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Well I mean it'd be one thing if he just this year started this trend, but you knew this is who he is from the very beginning and in fact consciously married into it. I can only assume you benefit in some way from all the business he runs. But that's not to say I think it's cool that he reneged on something planned two months in advance. I think it's fine to hold him to his word.

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He takes off to go on hunting trips all the time. So I don't think that it's because he can't take off.
I would think there's a difference between going on a hunting trip and visiting the in-laws. If he's working 75 hours, he's going to want to decompress his way.
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no, guys, this isn't workaholicism. i'm a workaholic, or very close to one, depends who you ask. it doesn't equal having no respect for the other's feelings and a sense of reciprocity. we won't waste time on peripheral issues, like lunchdates with other couples whom we consider little more than acquaintances. we will set a side less time than the average joe, and then we will prioritize what that time is spent on- long-time friends, family, couple time, house-hunting, for example. i think OP makes it clear she wants her family included, and given they don't even know him, he can't be blind to why she wants a visit. additionally, they are elderly, so it is so much more natural that she would want them to see her build a life of her own, a marriage and family of her own, before they go.

 

OP, a workaholic isn't a person who has had empathic faculties amputated. you're not asking much, it shouldn't be so difficult.

 

however, if this was the only thing bothering me, i'd consider picking my battles. i'd visit my family, but accept he won't. i'm merely afraid that because this shows a callousness in a matter very dear to you, you'll have a hard time letting go of the disappointment.

 

i would take an objective look at the bigger picture, for it may be the case this self-centerdness of his isn't isolated to family and vacation. will you feel like a single woman through pregnancy, when your family is ill and in a home/hospice/deathbed, with a small child, when you're advancing your career, treated for a chronic illness etc...? or are you otherwise supported, is his approach to things otherwise inclusive and reciprocal? if not, you will soon feel more like a ficus in his home than a partner.

 

i do have to chime in on the fact that -workaholic or self-centered; this is who he is, and has probably made it clear from the start. i'll always be someone who brings work home- and there's not much money in it, that's not it. sometimes it's as seraphim said, a matter of identity. i'll personally think about an issue i want a certain outcome in for months on end, all the time. i'm not a fit for most people, and i don't put up with being expected to become one. i may be a square peg, but i'm happy that way. at the end of the day, people who prioritize other needs may be better off with a similar partner. you can ask a little flexibility on his end imo, but a deep resentment over his working hours and lack of together time won't help, or change him.

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If working so much makes him feel good what does your happiness make him feel?

 

Things and money do not make people happy, they only distract them from their lives. Poor people with almost nothing are often times way more happy than affluent people with all kinds of stuff.

 

Why do you both work so many hours? Working 70 hours a week is ridiculous and I know because I used to work 16 hours a day in my youth chasing the mighty dollar. I was young and single and bought my first house before I turned 21 but I realized that working that much was not a lifestyle I wanted.

 

There is more to life than work.

 

I have been searching for balance in my life for years and I am getting better balanced all the time. It sounds like you both need to discuss balance in your marriage and life. Look 20 years into the future and tell what you see.

 

Lost

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First of all Marshmallow, at 75 hours a week at full sprint this man is heading for health problems, and if he is so obsessed then add that into the future health mix.

 

Now, that said,

 

So my family didn't even know him until after we got engaged. The next and last time he saw my family was on our wedding day a year ago.

 

In essence, and this is really the point, he has only seen your family twice! It isn't as if he is being required to see them every week-end, every month or every year. I think it is logical that you might like to have a family get together, with him.

 

Not "having time" (regardless of whether it is re a visit to your family, to go on holidays or anything else) is symptomatic of some underlying issue he has. "Making money makes him feel good".

 

One can be addicted to work same as anything else, but usually it is because burying oneself in work acts as a kind of anaesthetic.....

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I don't think it's necessarily the number of hours or bringing work home but the mindset and how he behaves when he is not working and how he balances self-care and just leisure/free time with work -if he's constantly obsessing and stressed over work that's far more indicative than quantifying hours. When I was a full time mom I very often worked 70 plus hours a week and when I was working full time before having a child I often worked 60-70 hours a week and there were times when I was far too invested/intense about work in an unhealthy way. When I was a full time mom for 7 years I chose work over other things many times - if going somewhere would have disrupted my toddler's nap schedule too much, the schedule took priority (just like at a paying job) and even though we had $ for sitters or child care I wanted to be the one who was there (or my husband), most of the time. Workaholic? I guess if you label it that way- but you have to avoid the temptation to label and look at what's specifically going on. If he's passionate about his work and it makes him happy then why is that a bad thing? There are too many shoulds as in "he should have a hobby/a relaxing activity/socialize more", etc. Some people love their work - makes them feel vital, like they're contributing and sure, successful.

 

Having said that he should have kept his plan with you, of course!

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Quoting what Andrina said, and which is right on the money:

 

"In every job, there are always days off accumulating for full time employees. There is no excuse for not taking that time, and taking a personal day off now and then. Perhaps share with him an article on workaholics, which he will recognize the signs in himself, and how it's unhealthy for himself and his loved ones. Let him know the seriousness of the matter, that you will seek counseling by yourself if he refuses to attend couples counseling with you, because you're not going to live the rest of your life like this.

 

And if he doesn't change, I hope you don't have children with this man. You will be doing all of the work raising them, and the children won't appreciate an absent father. I found out that the grown daughter of the workaholic I dated wouldn't even speak to him. My father regularly got awards for never missing work and never took vacation, which he now sees as a sickness.

 

It is wonderful to be a good husband, provider and worker. Nothing wrong at all with that. There are times when we've all had to put in more hours than the usual.

 

I wonder if this man uses work as a way to be absent as long as possible from his house/home.

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I don't know too many business owners that make vacations a priority, especially if they do not a team to support their leisure and time off.

 

Can I ask what does he do at his one job where he is employed - does he feel pressure to not take time off? I think if you plan things in advanced (like 3 to 6 months in advance), that's more than enough time to have him schedule around that.

 

But this sounds chronic, "he doesn't do the things he says he's going to do"...when you tell him how you feel, what does he say?

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"He has his own business plus he manages another business on the side now too."

 

The whole point of having one's own business is being ABLE to take a break now and then without the permission of the boss!

 

We are both self-employed, and we take holidays, as and when. To be healthy to work (and in particular this man's punishing schedule) you NEED to have holidays.

 

Who wants to have on one's tombstone: "Jack worked 15 hours a day and never rested".

 

Just to add:

 

If nothing else it would be an act of plain humaneness for him to make an effort once in a while to go see these now elderly people who brought you up. He only saw them twice before, for heaven's sakes, in all this time, since after you were engaged and then only at your wedding.. What has he against them?

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Being a workaholic is really tied to a compulsion, that runs along the same lines of OCD. So while everyone knows it's good to get some downtown, and R&R, it's very difficult to not feel like something won't blow up if you're not there.

 

The fact that he takes hunting trips, but can't take time to see you family; gawd, hate to see what happens when you have kids. I'd like to know what he says when you tell him how you feel. If you haven't done any come to Jesus talks, get cracking.

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Well, now he is saying he will go. But I literally had to pitch a fit and show my ass. Why can't he just keep up his end of a bargain without pushing me to the point of mental insanity?!

 

Did you let it build up till you were fuming, or have you been talking about his time management over the past few months? Keep in mind, it takes 30 days to create a habit, and 90 days to make a life change. Communicate regularly about what is bothering you; don't let it build up.

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