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Thread: My husband sucks sometimes

  1. #1
    Marshmellow12
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    My husband sucks sometimes

    So, my husband is a workaholic. I'm proud of him for working hard, but sometimes he doesn't do the things he says he's going to do. We have been together for 6 years. He didn't "have time" to meet my family until we had already been together for 4 years and the only reason he went with me to visit them that time was because we had just gotten engaged. So my family didn't even know him until after we got engaged. The next and last time he saw my family was on our wedding day a year ago. Recently he was telling me how he was going to take me on a vacation because he never spends time with me and bla bla bla. I told him I wanted him to go with me to visit my family one weekend and he said "I can't take off work to take you on a vacation AND take off to visit your family so pick one and we will do whatever you want." So I picked for him to go with me to visit my family. It's been planned for 2 months and now that it's time for us to go this weekend he can't because he has to work. He never told his boss he needed off. Now he's not going to visit my family with me and he never took me on a vacation either. I'm so upset. Am I being unreasonable?

  2. #2
    ~Seraphim ~
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    Well, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with your spouse . Often for men their identity is their work . That's how they value themselves . Society has taught them that their value is in working . Can you go and see your family on your own or go on a mini holiday on your own ? Sometimes I do a lot of day trips with a friend and her daughter if my husband can't get away .

  3. #3
    ~Seraphim ~
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    But I wouldn't tell him he sucks because holidays only come out of the hard work .

  4. #4
    RainyCoast
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    well, i'll be brutally honest, i don't have much of a life, so a great deal of my identity is my work, i'm quite the introvert too so while i can't see myself with someone who would expect me to socialize a lot and hop from visit to visit with them...i think it's super-rude and weird for family to not even get to meet the person their child is marrying...like...wow.

    i can't help feeling there's more to the story though. don't your parents/siblings come visit you guys? how would that sit with everyone involved? do you visit his folks? do friends come over to your house, do you socialize on your own...?

    this can't just be happening in a vacuum...?

  5. #5
    Marshmellow12
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    My great grandparents raised me and they are not able to drive anymore so we have to go to them. It's only a 2 hour drive. I do things with his family multiple times a week because we live on the same farm as his family. I am very close to his family and it makes me sad that he has no interest in getting to know my family. Yes, we socialize with our friends too.

  6. #6
    Marshmellow12
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    Yes, I always go visit my family without him because he is always too busy to go with me. I'm just upset because I want my family to know my husband and I want him to know them too.

  7. #7
    luminousone
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    My ex used to hate going to visit my family. He said he felt lonely and uncomfortable there, because my focus was on the visit (and not on him). So I always tried to check in with him when he came with me. For years he resented the money and time we spent going there.

    Ironically, now that we are divorced, he is wistful when I go, and has fond memories. Go figure.

    Obviously your family is a big part of you, so it must hurt deeply that he doesn't want to spend time with them. And I also think it is important for you to get away together as just the two of you, so you can nurture and replenish your relationship.

    It is all about balance and compromise.

    I have many of the same questions as Rainycoast. Also, what are your goals in your goals in your marriage?

  8. #8
    Andrina
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    After my first marriage ended, I dated a workaholic for a year. I could see over time that work was the priority over everything else, including family. I'm so much happier now, being married to a man who has a high work ethic, but he's not a workaholic. You have settled, and you married him anyway, even though you knew he possessed this sickness, and yes, it is a major flaw. It doesn't mean things can't change, however. You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. You need to tell him how you feel like you're a lower priority than work, because he can't even plan for two days to do what you asked for, and he knew how important it was for you.

    In every job, there are always days off accumulating for full time employees. There is no excuse for not taking that time, and taking a personal day off now and then. Perhaps share with him an article on workaholics, which he will recognize the signs in himself, and how it's unhealthy for himself and his loved ones. Let him know the seriousness of the matter, that you will seek counseling by yourself if he refuses to attend couples counseling with you, because you're not going to live the rest of your life like this.

    And if he doesn't change, I hope you don't have children with this man. You will be doing all of the work raising them, and the children won't appreciate an absent father. I found out that the grown daughter of the workaholic I dated wouldn't even speak to him. My father regularly got awards for never missing work and never took vacation, which he now sees as a sickness. My mother recently said how she was so mad that he missed my religious confirmation because he wouldn't take time off of work. I can only say he had time for us kids very briefly on Sundays.

    Your needs matter too. Make sure you're not a martyr for someone you will cross an ocean for, and he won't even jump over a puddle for you.

  9. #9
    lostandhurt
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    As a man I can identify with your husband.

    We are taught from an early age that we need to provide for, protect and work hard for our families. Most men think if they do those things they are being a good husband. Of course that isn't true because being a good husband is so much more than that.

    This is not going to get better unless you know what you want out of your marriage and he knows what he wants out of the marriage.

    Do you work?

    Why does he work so many hours?

    Are you in debt?

    Do you have new cars to be paid for? New house?

    Is he escaping to work to avoid something?

    Lost

  10. #10
    Marshmellow12
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    I work a lot also (about 45-50 hours a week) he works about 75 hours a week. I'm not sure why he works to much. He's trying to save for us to build a house. He's been a workaholic since I've known him. He has his own business plus he manages another business on the side now too. making money makes him feel good.

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