Tricky situation with boyfriends brother

Hi all,

 

So my boyfriends(his twin sister is also my bestfriend) brother is an arse to be quite honest, he's a bully. I've known the whole family for the past 10 years and although when i was younger we never really spoke much because hes about 6 years older than me, as we've got older we started to bond. Me and my boyfriend were sleeping together before we got together and his brother knew how much he liked me etc but then he tried it on with me...(he also has a girlfriend who im friends with and a 3 year old daughter- hes 27). I obviously pushed him away for several reasons but mainly his brother and girlfriend i would never do that to and i have no interest in him. He also is on drugs, can't hold down a job, lost his house and lives on his mums sofa now. Since that day, he has been extremely horrible towards me(i told his girlfriend about it and he obviously denied but i had text from him to prove it anyway) and keeps making fat comments to me and about me, he'll use me as his joke all time, publicly humiliate me and if im honest, no one really finds him funny other than himself. His opinion does not bother me because i really don't care about him and from what ive already said about him, how can that be the kind of person i let affect me right?

 

So anyway, it keeps getting worse and worse and im usually the type of girl who would straight away stick up for myself BUT, just under a year ago something happened in my life and a lot of went wrong, and somehow he ended up finding out about it. Where all these people live in a village, everyone hears anything but as yet no one knows about what happened other than my boyfriend, bestfriend, their brother and his girlfriend (and the person it involved obviously). So i know full well, if i got into an argument with him, he would just make weight comments etc(im not even as fat as hes making me out to be FYI) but i have so much i could say back to him, although i would never stoop so low and hes no value to my life its just hard as he's family of two very important people to me but anyway i know he would just announce the situation that had happened ages ago, to everyone and they'd all find out which would cause a lot of grief for me and i probably would not be able to go back to that village because it would just cause more uproar.

 

My boyfriend is a personal trainer as well and me and him have been working out and ive been dieting and everything and ive been doing so well: im losing the weight, im feeling better, and although its bloody hard i feel so good every time i do it, but that's not good enough for the brother. My boyfriend and bestfriend stick up for me every time which is obviously a tricky situation where its their brother but the whole family know what an arse he is and they all back me up. He made a really nasty comment about me to the bestfriend the other night in relation to a charity event im hosting, he still managed to make a weight dig some how and she told me so i told my boyfriend and as he was at work he text the brother obviously they ended up arguing and then the brother text my bestfriend giving her grief for telling me and actually had the cheek to blame her and pretend it was all her fault and shes in the wrong. It all hit the roof and none of them are speaking but they're all fed up of him treating me like that and all know exactly why i cant say anything for myself. At the end of the day hes only been so horrible because i turned him down, and if i was that bad and weight was such an issue he wouldn't have tried in the first place.

 

Apologises that story was so long but i need to know how to get around this, because although i dont value his opinion whatsoever, im just so bored of it all the time, sometimes hes nice as pie to me but then hes such an arse others. and i know if that hadn't happened we'd till get on really well and if i hadn't rejected him, would he still be this horrible? but i am trying so hard to improve myself, make myself the best version of me i can be whereas he isn't, he is just just a child and really hes going nowhere in life, so how does he seem to think hes better than me?

 

I just hate that im working so hard and have someone trying to knock me down, what is the point? if my weight is such an issue, why is he still being a when im trying to change it?

But how can i sort this all out without the bad situation coming out?...

 

Thank you

He is functioning at the emotional level of an eight-year-old schoolboy. If everyone else treats him as such, and pays no more attention to him than they would a kid of that age, he will soon find out that his silly games will get him nowhere.

 

There will always be losers around who disparage successful people - just look at the hate mail and weirdo stuff that celebrities receive - but really don't dignify him by paying any attention to this rubbish. Any more than you would accept the judgment of an internet troll.

 

To put it another way, you need to establish healthy boundaries. If he gets arsey because you rejected him, that's his problem. If you then take his silly judgments on board, that's your problem - and one you need to get rid of. It wouldn't matter if you had the physique of an olympic athlete or weighed a couple of tons, he would still get at you about your weight because he knows it's a sore point. That's all.

Thank you unfortunately although no one pays him the attention he wants, hes such an imbecile he doesnt stop because he thinks hes hilarious. The thing is ive never indicated it bothered me whatsoever because i dont want him to know, but its just not okay for him to do it. i dont care what he thinks, its just him and hes literally not important, its just so awkward obviously him being part of their family.

 

Thats actually such a good way to look at it, hadnt thought of that so thank you! Just so bored of it its ridiculous, like you said, as a child youd think hed get bored by now!

Collectively, it still sounds as though you all give him more credence than he deserves:

 

He made a really nasty comment about me to the bestfriend the other night in relation to a charity event im hosting, he still managed to make a weight dig some how and she told me so i told my boyfriend and as he was at work he text the brother obviously they ended up arguing and then the brother text my bestfriend giving her grief for telling me and actually had the cheek to blame her and pretend it was all her fault and shes in the wrong.

 

If your best friend had ignored the dig about the weight, none of the above would have happened. If she'd told you and you'd just rolled your eyes and ignored it, none of the above would have happened... do you see what I mean? If she'd responded to him something along the lines of "Wow - you still really fancy her, don't you?" (Which is actually what all this is really about) then the whole scenario would not have played out in the way it did.

 

I have a very good book which, among other things, explains how not to get sucked into games. A good way is just to say "Oh!" in response to a provocative remark, and then let it float past on the breeze.

 

As it is, he's getting plenty of feedback to the effect that it WILL get to you, even if you think he's not aware of it.

Ah yes that is true, and we have done for the longest time, we're all just so sick of it. Might have to try and go back to that approach and hope it helps. It's just something so stupid that shouldnt even be an issue at all but hes some kind of degenerate.

 

What is the book called out of curiosity?

 

That's true, how we all react would give him that impression! It's tiring, especially when im trying to help myself.

The book I was thinking of is "Women who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood; it's aimed primarily at women in dysfunctional intimate relationships, but much of the advice in it applies to other relationships too.

I can't fathom why your bf's brother is still allowed to be in his life when he's saying things like this to you. As for me, if a person put down my husband, it would never happen regularly because I'd let them know they are no longer welcome in my home and I certainly wouldn't be planning get togethers with them. I can't control who dislikes my husband, but regardless, they will still be respectful to him if we have a family gathering.

 

Sticking up for you is not enough since the problem continues. Life's too short to constantly deal with such negativity. I'd be out of there.

It's unavoidable living the same house as it is but they dont get on or spend any time together or anything unfortunately they still have to see eachother. He hasnt been planning get togethers or anything with him as he has no interest in seeing him and has already told the brother as long as he has a problem with me, hes lost a brother sort of thing. But all they can do atm is stick up for me because the brother will never change and until either one can afford to move(it'll be my boyfriend becuase the brother doesnt even have a job) then its unavoidable but also they know i cant risk having everything else come out.

I have a very good book which, among other things, explains how not to get sucked into games. A good way is just to say "Oh!" in response to a provocative remark, and then let it float past on the breeze.

do you by chance recall the title or author? that sounds brilliant. oh, edit, i just saw it, sorry!

its unavoidable but also they know i cant risk having everything else come out.

who would he tell that would take him seriously? i think anyone who heard him say something sensitive about another person would think badly of him. you have a few close ppl who support you, and an environment that, despite it's small village mentality, must see he is clearly unevolved and a jerk. don't feel like you'll be put to shame if something comes out, did you kill ten people? No, right. then he can't intimidate you with his knowledge of what happened. i'm pretty sure whatever the content that comes out of his moth, everyone treats it as the crap it is.