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We had an argument and I am afraid I wont hear from him again


KARA20

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Dear All,

I am so gutted. Me and my boyfriend had a great weekend. He invited me to the event where I met lots of his work colleagues for the first time. He introduced me to everybody. It was lovely and I thought we are slowly progressing.

Then the next day, after equally lovely morning, he was picking on me, that I am doing this wrong and that wrong. I could tell that I annoyed him. We went shopping and he didn't like me suggesting items. He said he is used to doing shopping on his own and is capable of choices.

At the end I asked him if there is anything that he actually likes about me. He said that if he sees and likes to say something he will say it, he is 45 and wont change for nobody. He also added that didn't like how I was talking about his friend`s wife which was his wrong perception anyway. After being criticized all day,this was a last straw and I was a bit angry at that point. He didn't like that. We were both angry and he asked me to pack my overnight bag and that he wants to take me home.

for 30 min in a car -on the way to my home -we didn't say a word.

I was gutted.

He is a wonderful man and does so many lovely things for me. He cooks, he picks me and drops me, he invites for dinners and cinema. However, occasionally he will be lecturing me (38) about stuff. That day it was slightly too much.

The next day I didn't hear from him. Today, I sent him apology text -apology for my part, for overreacting as I was overwhelmed ...I had a feeling that I do everything the wrong way. I also said I don't want argue with him, especially over such a minor things and that we can do better than that.

He saw the message on a messenger and normally he responds fairly quickly ....this time he keeps quiet. Is he keeping me in suspense on purpose?

I am not sure what to think...is this over? How much time one needs after such a minor thing to get over it?

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Kara.

 

Stop demeaning yourself! This wasn't an argument, it was this:

 

"he was picking on me, that I am doing this wrong and that wrong. I could tell that I annoyed him. We went shopping and he didn't like me suggesting items. He said he is used to doing shopping on his own and is capable of choices.

At the end I asked him if there is anything that he actually likes about me. He said that if he sees and likes to say something he will say it, he is 45 and wont change for nobody.

 

No he is not a wonderful man. He is or seems to be when things are on his terms and his alone.

 

And then your punishment, the silent treatment. Ugh.

 

You can do better than this Kara.

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What kind of things was he picking at you for doing wrong? And what were you saying about his friend's wife? How long have you been together? Is this the first time there have been so many grievances at once?

 

he is 45 and wont change for nobody.
I don't get it. What does that have to do with your question of whether there's anything he likes about you? Did he say this in response to something else or does he just blurt out vindictive one liners for kicks?
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This doesn't look good, OP. How long have you been dating?

 

He got his back up awfully quickly. Where did he get the impression you were trying to change him? What was he picking on you for throughout the day?

 

I can understand needing time to cool down after an argument, but packing you up and driving you home and then ignoring you after you apologize - this seems a bit much. I would not reach out to him again.

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"We went shopping and he didn't like me suggesting items."

 

For pete's sakes!!!! "How about some of those nice oranges, and maybe a few plums". Or whatever, depending on the shop.

 

It's like a child toddling along behind him. He'll tell you when you are "being good" and when you are not.

 

He is making YOU feel you are doing everything wrong. What does that suggest to you, or anyone, what kind of person he is.

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Thank you all for your responses and keep me sane. I know him for over 5 years...we dated briefly when we met, but then had a little misunderstanding and both were too stubborn to make it better. Then one day he got in touch and we met to catch up and ended being friends -only- who do little catch ups for birthdays etc he saw me on dating website about 4 months ago and suggested a real date...and we took it from there....it was really good although I knew he doesn't have an easy character. So do I.

 

He was telling me how to put certain items in his place like body lotion or soap. I thought he run out of toothpaste and in the shop I grabbed one -he went serious and he said he did not run out and there a few spare in the cupboard.

 

He was doing shopping for his work and I was suggested some items on offer 3 for 2 etc he didn't like that much.... I only told him about the friend`s wife that we chatted on that event and she said some gossips someone wrote about her on fb. He told me not to get involved in gossip and not judge people based on some gossip.

I know this sounds pretty awful but he is the kindest person. He just sometimes gets in this moods and snaps at me over little things.

I was accepting this as his other traits are far better than this one thing....he is reliable and helpful and thoughtful...we have best fun ever together and very lovely intimate time.

 

For him to take me to this event, was a big step....so I thought

I know he didn't like I sort of went angry and raised my voice....normally I reason with him but this time I had a bit enough of this lecturing...

 

I would love us to continue but what else can I do ? He didn't have long relationship for long time and is very set in his ways .....I called him mr mean a few times when he picked on me and that is why during fight he said he wont be changing for anyone...although I never said a word that he should ...and I said that to him..he did repeat- I wont change for anyone whether you asked me to or not....

 

I do love him for long time ....was so happy that we are trying here but am worried that he will tell me again ( like few years ago) that he is not ready for relationship ....if not now -when ?????

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You don't say how long you've been dating for, but my guess is that the honeymoon period's over and you're just starting to see the real him. This can be a bit of a shock with some people, especially if they were particularly nice to begin with. It's also very puzzling for you.

 

With a bit of luck, he won't reach out to you and you'll come to realise you've dodged a bullet. Guys (or women!) who react like this when they feel that everything isn't quite going their way are not relationship material - at best - and are very emotionally abusive at worst.

 

Whatever you do, don't contact him again.

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We started to date in April although we tried once about 5 years ago. We also had a an argument back then after a couple of dates and we were both too stubborn to make it better. We then with time became friends who catch up for birthdays twice a year. In April he saw me on dating website and asked me for a real date again. We deleted accounts and decided to give it a go. I like spending time with him, we laugh a lot but he does have a tough character ...hence he didn't have a long relationship for long time. He is very set in his ways. However, one can say about me the same as I didn't have anyone for few years.

His good traits overcome the bad - at least for me - for Now. I apologised ...i can't do more than that. I am gutted as hell....cant believe he will give up after a first disagreement.

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You know something, Kara. Self-deception isn't good.

 

"but he does have a tough character ...hence he didn't have a long relationship for long time."

 

 

I am not surprised!

 

One thing is a tough character, an entirely different character is a controlling one.

 

"He said that if he sees and likes to say something he will say it, he is 45 and wont change for nobody. "

 

You have to fit in with him, K. Not the other way round or even mutual.

 

Is this a case of "anything is better than being alone"?

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LaHermes , I hear you...i do ...thats the thing when things are good- they really good and we have lovely time. We talk and laugh for hours. He would be pretty much perfect if not for this snaps at me ...i asked him for helping me with a bag one day in a bit childish ( thought cute) voice and he told me that there is no need to use that voice. I can ask normally.

Little things like this but quite hurtful...but then after that he will buy my stuff for shower and towel so I can have it when am around. He is a combination of the sweetest and a bitter ....people love him, he helps everyone around. Sometimes even we were together and his brother or friend needed help, he will put then first ...as if i can wait ...he goes out of his way for everyone. For me too but that comes with that little price ...

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You have written the answer yourself, Kara.

 

"...people love him, he helps everyone around. Sometimes even we were together and his brother or friend needed help, he will put then first ...as if i can wait ...he goes out of his way for everyone. For me too but that comes with that little price ..."

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I know...and imagine how silly I am ...seating here and crying my eyes out ...he saw the apology and didn't respond. Rather unsusal of him to take so long....now I am beating myself up for overreacting during his last comment...am sure he already set in his mind that am ungrateful for what he done for me....that he doesn't need the hassle....but then again- one day everyone loose patience and this would happen sooner or later.....perhaps if later he would care more? Hate to feel so powerless ...funny he always says is rude not to respond to messages. Well I guess that does not include messages from me.

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Kara.

 

You are being demeaned and devalued. Why are you so set on beating yourself up. You haven't committed any crime.

 

This technique of the "silent treatment" is a VERY bad sign of an individual. It is intended to punish and emotionally withdraw and make the other (you) feel as bad as possible.

 

People love him because that is the show he puts on, J. It isn't the real him.

 

Please, do not apologise and please above all do not beg.

 

You are lucky to be out of this.

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Kara.

This technique of the "silent treatment" is a VERY bad sign of an individual. It is intended to punish and emotionally withdraw and make the other (you) feel as bad as possible.

 

This ^^^. As a therapist said to me years ago: "At the first sign of jealousy or sulking - GET OUT! Because it isn't going to work."

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"‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’"

 

"Findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful."

 

"Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied."

 

From an article by Karen Young: The surprising truth about the silent treatment.

 

More:

 

"1.When the abuser (and make no mistake–the silent treatment is a form of abuse) gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you for a period of time because you refuse to acquiesce to his or her demands. This is manipulating you with silence.

 

2. When the abuser gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you because you’ve said/done something that bothers them and will not accept any reasonably sincere apology. This is punishing you with silence.

 

3.When the abuser gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you because you’ve said/done something that bothers them and will not even tell you what it is that you’ve said or done, leaving you powerless to make an apology. This is punishing and disempowering you with silence."

 

From:

 

An article by By Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC & C.R.

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Thank you so much for that...makes a perfect sense but what if he is still angry ? Maybe he is not ready to put it all behind ...? Silent treatment as a form of punishment or maybe simply still angry as I also saw him this angry for the first time. I think he was bit embarrassed that saw him this way and in a way this killed the magic a bit....i made him expose himself ...i was upset but still reasonable where he was furious and that's why he asked me to drop me home.

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Kara. The point is not if he is still angry or not. It is how he is.

 

I bet he didn't like it when he let the mask slip.

 

Do you like being punished? Why would you allow anyone to punish you?

 

Find a person with a well-adjusted and stable personality. He isn't it.

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He just responded...that he didn't know what was going in my mind that day but that I pushed his tolerance limits to the end. That I should not ask any question twice...and that we had such a good time that it didn't make sense how the day ended ....wow so he didn't take any responsibility at all....am speechless

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Kara,

 

It makes me feel sad that you felt you had to apologize to this jerk! He has you under his thumb and you need to remind yourself you don't owe him anything and you deserve much better! His response to your apology was arrogant. You need a relationship where someone takes you as you are and doesn't try to change the things they find 'fault' in.

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He just responded...that he didn't know what was going in my mind that day but that I pushed his tolerance limits to the end. That I should not ask any question twice...and that we had such a good time that it didn't make sense how the day ended ....wow so he didn't take any responsibility at all....am speechless

 

As you say, he took no responsibility for his own behaviour, and blamed you for his own bad humour, and weird behaviour - everything. He, and he alone, is responsible for his own feelings and his own behaviour - just as you, and you alone, are responsible for yours.

 

Please leave him behind before this kind of emotional abuse becomes an everyday occurrence. I know this is difficult because abusers are adept at creating "magic" in the early days of a relationship, and we then ignore the abuse because we think we'll get back to the magical early days. You are only just beginning to see the real him, now the honeymoon phase is fading, and this is what you can realistically expect in the future.

 

Don't be that girl!

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Thank you so much for your responses and support. I am truly gutted. It is quite strange that on one had he can do so many wonderful things for me and at the same time snaps over nothing. It is like he cannot control these outbursts of anger which last seconds but do quite a damage....yes, his response was arrogant. I will not contact him again. I think for him the bubble broke and he wont even try to hide the badness now.

I do love him...I love him for years... if he has issues that do not allow him to build proper relationship for long time- doesn't he deserve the love too?

I wonder if that is why he is so helpful and caring ...because he is aware of his flaws although he will never admit. He told me a few times that his ex-es always get in touch after break ups cause "they do realise I am a good man" ...I think I know what he means. I would be heartbroken to give up on this now because we got closer than ever, he opened up himself to me...and believe me he is a very closed book. He was not very affectionate....never said nice things...but he was showing and doing nice things.

Recently he felt safer around me and me around him. He introduced me to work colleagues which is a big thing for him...everything was going lovely until this argument and now even after these apologies the dark cloud is still above us.....

I will not contact him again....I will see if he will do something ...next month he is going for holiday on his own ( I knew about it when we reconnected over 3 months ago)...I feel like things will fade away naturally from now on

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No, Kara, he doesn't.

 

" if he has issues that do not allow him to build proper relationship for long time- doesn't he deserve the love too?"

 

The kind of issues he has cannot be remedied by love, but by professional help. And since he doesn't see anything wrong with himself and has even said he won't change, what more is there to be said......

 

He isn't aware of anything, people like him do not have the insight. You are right they are a closed book, even unto themselves.

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