Guys...I've done it again

Hi guys, I'm sad to say that I engaged in "sex" again without really being into it or feeling into it. Yes, I acted like an object AGAIN. This happened on Friday night at 3 AM with the SAME GUY I posted in the post below. I have isolated myself ever since in my room, for the rest of the weekend

It kind of hurt and he did the "jackhammer" style at some points. I WAS NOT aroused during the entire time.

there has to be something very wrong with me if I keep doing this...I really don't know. I feel like I'm trying to get "love" from this guy who I don't think he is really capable of or interested in. I know this sounds crazy and I feel I can't tell anyone this (why would anyone want to hear such a strange dilemma?) I really do feel like an alien.

The entire day after we didn't text until late next night he sends "..." Obviously he is oblivious to what I was feeling. I said I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to.

I said "I feel like an object and that I think that makes me act like one" The he replied "I made you feel like an object?" I said "Im not saying its you I'm saying it's a feeling I have sometimes" Then he says "I had fun I didn't think you were an object to me" "Im sorry if I was rough but I really couldn't tell sometimes I asked a few times too"

Then I asked "Are you happy with this relationship?" Then he says "not really", then I said "what could be better? Like seeing each other more often?" Then he said "everything could be better" and I said I agree. I tried to make him say more with more questions, I even said 'if other aspects were better maybe I would enjoy the sex more" He just responded "Idk". "I'm sorry if you feel objectified I won't ask you to do this again." Then I tried to say it's not directly his fault that I play a part in the objectified feeling but he didn't keep on with the convo he just sent me a video of a song he played on that night that I said I didn't like 0__0.

This has got my head reeling. Why am I so adamant and "attached" to this person? Why am I so numb? I feel like there is NO ONE I can talk to, and that even therapists won't really be able to help me.

I am not living right I guess, but why can't I feel sex and people around me are going around doing hook-ups and stuff like that and enjoying it. I feel so warped in my sexuality, and when people talk about sex or are around people that I know are active I feel like inadequate or like something is wrong with me.

Why hasn't anyone replied anything? This isn't playing around, not a troll either. It is a real thing.

I guess I am alone then

What answers do you want? You know it was wrong and you're upset. What could we contribute?

What answers do you want? You know it was wrong and you're upset. What could we contribute?

Well this site is called Enotalone, and I think most people are posting problems here, hence "wrong negative things" and most I would say are more upset then happy...

I guess why do some people keep doing things that aren't good for them..

I guess why do some people keep doing things that aren't good for them..

Could be many things: Low self-esteem, insecure, some thrive on the drama, some want the attention, look for validation etc etc etc.

I would suggest therapy.

Could be many things: Low self-esteem, insecure, some thrive on the drama, some want the attention, look for validation etc etc etc.

 

I would suggest therapy.

That's what I think I'm going to do...but I think I need a open-minded out of the box thinking therapist with a lot of experience...

That's what I think I'm going to do...but I think I need a open-minded out of the box thinking therapist with a lot of experience...

I think right now ANY therapist would be a good start to help you sort out all of your issues. Make an appointment and take it from there.

I just don't understand my sexual response...I have done "e-sex" and have really enjoyed it a couple times...sometimes I get more aroused by kissing or a guy massaging my back then by being completely naked on top of a guy in bed, haha.

I just don't understand my sexual response..

That's what a therapist is for - to help you figure out what is really going on.

Thank you, I appreciate it Capricorn.

I get you.

There is a difference for some of us.

I love sex but without a deep emotional connection it doesn't feel right. I'd just rather not.

It creates a dilemma of sorts. Those deep emotional connections are hard to come by.

Sometimes I try to compromise and I just get angry with myself for compromising. The conflict arises because we are after all, sexual.

I wish I had a good answer for you.

I don't know that using a broad brush and saying you need therapy is fair.

Though therapy might help you with why you are willing to settle when you realize you want more.

Don't settle!

Don't go into that negative self talk that there must be something wrong w you sexually because you don't care for casual sex!

There a saying (and a generalization) that 'women make love with their minds, men have sex with their bodies'

I get you.

There is a difference for some of us.

I love sex but without a deep emotional connection it doesn't feel right. I'd just rather not.

It creates a dilemma of sorts. Those deep emotional connections are hard to come by.

Sometimes I try to compromise and I just get angry with myself for compromising.

I wish I had a good answer for you.

I don't know that using a broad brush and saying you need therapy is fair.

Though therapy might help you with why you are willing to settle when you realize you want more.

Don't settle!

Since age 19 I can say most of my experience was like sex encounters...most were I felt coerced or "had to", just randomly meeting up with guys so we could ****, I knew something was wrong in back of my mind, I wasn't enjoying these encounters, but I just thought "maybe the next time i'll like it". I let these guys use me like a kind of sex doll. My own sexual self seems to be buried down somewhere...

Reread my edited response.

I don't think theres anything wrong with you.

Hold out for the emotional aspect of the connection and everything else will make more sense.

I get you.

There is a difference for some of us.

I love sex but without a deep emotional connection it doesn't feel right. I'd just rather not.

It creates a dilemma of sorts. Those deep emotional connections are hard to come by.

Sometimes I try to compromise and I just get angry with myself for compromising. The conflict arises because we are after all, sexual.

I wish I had a good answer for you.

I don't know that using a broad brush and saying you need therapy is fair.

Though therapy might help you with why you are willing to settle when you realize you want more.

Don't settle!

Don't go into that negative self talk that there must be something wrong w you sexually because you don't care for casual sex!

There a saying (and a generalization) that 'women make love with their minds, men have sex with their bodies'

Yes, I sometimes go into it because some friends and people around me seem to be doing hook-ups with different people...but yeah I guess I need to be confident in who I really am instead of trying to "fit in". I agree, those emotional connections are hard to come by.

Yes, I sometimes go into it because some friends and people around me seem to be doing hook-ups with different people...but yeah I guess I need to be confident in who I really am instead of trying to "fit in". I agree, those emotional connections are hard to come by.

I just came across your thread. Do you have issues with your sense of self? It sounds like you are trying to do what your supposed to do. The thing is, no one can tell you what your sexual preferences are. That is something you have to find out.

What do YOU want? Don't worry about what other people are doing.

I would think your best chance of having meaningful sex would be to omit that from any relationship until YOU feel ready. It sounds like you just let yourself be controlled by others. You will attract mostly guys who just want sex with that attitude.

I would also say to take charge during sex and try what you want. If you don't like a certain way then you change it up.

I just came across your thread. Do you have issues with your sense of self? It sounds like you are trying to do what your supposed to do. The thing is, no one can tell you what your sexual preferences are. That is something you have to find out.

 

What do YOU want? Don't worry about what other people are doing.

 

I would think your best chance of having meaningful sex would be to omit that from any relationship until YOU feel ready. It sounds like you just let yourself be controlled by others. You will attract mostly guys who just want sex with that attitude.

 

I would also say to take charge during sex and try what you want. If you don't like a certain way then you change it up.

Yes I do think I have issues with my "sense of self"....I think the first time I was in a situation of "coercive sexual advances" that probably "set the stage" for letting others control me.... years to come of me repeating that scenario...and letting "things just happen".....even if I'm not enjoying myself...I have really pretty much attracted men who just want sex as soon as possible...

What do I want? I want to have sex that I can enjoy with some I care about and love.

Yes I do think I have issues with my "sense of self"....I think the first time I was in a situation of "coercive sexual advances" that probably "set the stage" for letting others control me.... years to come of me repeating that scenario...and letting "things just happen".....even if I'm not enjoying myself...I have really pretty much attracted men who just want sex as soon as possible...

 

What do I want? I want to have sex that I can enjoy with some I care about and love.

If you want to have sex with someone you care about and love I would wait until after you really care about the person before having sex. There is nothing wrong with waiting awhile. It will also help deter the kind of guys you normally attract.

The compulsive need to have sex even without wanting to could potentially be helped with counseling. I don't know if that is a compulsive need for validation or what. I have known a few people with similar issues. Counseling was what helped them sort out why they are compelled to do things they don't want to. My friend essentially summed it up that she was kind of addicted to a negative feeling and had to sort it out.

I've always been a little different than most of my friends. When I was younger I felt different because of it. Why couldn't bring myself to do what they were doing?

Was there something different or wrong with me?

Now . . that much more mature I am perfectly content with the values I have. I don't participate in casual or sport sex and I

save that for someone I have feelings for and at the point in which I know the feelings are the reciprocated.

And I don't judge others than can do it any other way. To each his own.

If you want to have sex with someone you care about and love I would wait until after you really care about the person before having sex. There is nothing wrong with waiting awhile. It will also help deter the kind of guys you normally attract.

 

The compulsive need to have sex even without wanting to could potentially be helped with counseling. I don't know if that is a compulsive need for validation or what. I have known a few people with similar issues. Counseling was what helped them sort out why they are compelled to do things they don't want to. My friend essentially summed it up that she was kind of addicted to a negative feeling and had to sort it out.

This has not been easy to realize on my own, because I think it's largely subconscious...but I think part of it can be to "feeling guilty" or "bad/dirty". Maybe I don't feel arousal because my subconscious doesn't want me to feel "guilty" or to "save me" from feeling those bad feelings. I feel like what most people would feel is a "normal" sexual experience for me seems coercive I think or like not anything "fun"...I don't know why I didn't try to have a more well-rounded relationship with a guy before becoming sexual instead of these strange encounters which had to be cut off because I just couldn't enjoy them and couldn't actually have sex until this latest guy....

I am 27 years old and haven't had one actual sexual experience (intercourse) that I can say I honestly enjoyed...then again I've only had it with one person..

I think that why you are dissatisfied with having sex with this particular man is because you did not have an emotional connection with him beforehand. It is so much better when you experience an intimate physical act with someone in which you have an intimate relationship beforehand. This guy ain't it. You don't need a therapist as much as you need to figure out for yourself what it is you need and then seek it. chi

I am 27 years old and haven't had one actual sexual experience (intercourse) that I can say I honestly enjoyed...then again I've only had it with one person..

Well I am a nearly 30 yo male. I've only ever been with one person. It is hard for me to be the best with this because I am a guy and it works a bit differently for me.

What I can say is that for the first 2 to 3 years of sexual activity my now wife had sex pretty much because I wanted. The only thing she gained from it was making me happy. That is hard to feel good about if you don't even care for the person.

Fast forward to now and she orgasms nearly twice as much as me. We started with just two adults that loved each other and had some pretty awkward sex. Lots of practise and getting to know what we want and now its crazily good.

Well I am a nearly 30 yo male. I've only ever been with one person. It is hard for me to be the best with this because I am a guy and it works a bit differently for me.

 

What I can say is that for the first 2 to 3 years of sexual activity my now wife had sex pretty much because I wanted. The only thing she gained from it was making me happy. That is hard to feel good about if you don't even care for the person.

 

Fast forward to now and she orgasms nearly twice as much as me. We started with just two adults that loved each other and had some pretty awkward sex. Lots of practise and getting to know what we want and now its crazily good.

Basically what you're saying is I need to get more practice? I did do it out of "love" for this guy...but I believe I scared him off when I texted back that I feel like an object.

"It is hard for me to be the best with this because I am a guy and it works a bit differently for me. " - what does this mean, exactly?