Originally Posted by mylolita
Hi cherubrock,
Sorry to hear you're going through this - I am not diminishing your problem by any means, these things can really take over, but it sounds like you have had an issue with this for along time but it's really starting to become an obsessive thought and you're turning it over and over. This will just make things so much harder for yourself!
My straight up, simple, humble advice would be this - great, enjoyable sex comes from when you're very comfortable, relaxed and happy with the person you're doing it with. Extra, mega bonus points if you're in love. If you're both in love, respect and care deeply for each other, then you have hit the jackpot because you will experience some of the best sex you'll ever have! Don't give up hope, think you're somehow "broken", have "weird sexuality" or anything like that. I'm no therapist obviously but I really just think it boils down to you've never experienced sex and sexual situations with anyone you are insanely attracted too or deep in love with. I think you need either or ideally both of those things in order to have the sex you are maybe looking for. I don't think there is anything wrong with you.
Some people are a little more pressured easily to feel like they need to fit in or should be doing what everyone else is doing - especially when you were younger. Your early and first sexual experiences can shape your future sex life. If all you have ever known is basically, not being into it at all and then feeling strange and used then, you are maybe going to think this is all there is, just because this is all you've ever experienced?
It takes one strong, self confident person to go against the crowd and basically be themselves. That's all you ever hear growing up, "Oh, just be yourself!" Well, being yourself takes courage. Lions courage! Hardly anyone can say they are fully and unapologetically themselves. It's something you strive for and as your confidence in yourself and self awareness grows, normally with age, you stop caring about what you should be doing and what everyone else is doing. Let me tell you now, life is too short to live your life through other people. Don't let your life be a shadow of what you think it should be because that's how you perceive everyone else is doing it or that is what is right. You need to look into yourself and discover what it is you really want out of life, not just relationships. You can start following your own way, walk to the beat of your own drum! Relationships, other big life decisions, small decisions... if you always consult your inner self first, ask yourself, am I doing this because I really want too, or is there something else at play here?
I think mulling this over and over isn't doing you any favours darling - I think you are torturing yourself.
Look to the positives, use this situation and your past situations as lessons, learn from them, you've been there, done that - you're still young but time is precious, don't let anyone waste your time and don't waste your own time. Have respect for your own time, if you don't, no one else will.
This guy you've been sleeping with, honestly, just from his actions let alone his response, he sounds like he isn't the one. He's not going to set your world alight and he's definitely not making you happy.
Why don't you start a little list? What do you want in the next 5 years? Marriage? A solid, steady relationship? To buy a house? A new job? Further education?
It doesn't matter if you're not sleeping with anyone or you don't get a boyfriend straight away. Better to not be sleeping with anyone than let yourself feel like this. It's not doing you any favours. It's harming you and taking up precious time and your precious thought space! You want to use your brain to help get you where you want to go! You deserve fantastic sex with someone you care for, at the very least, they care for you. You want a connection.
Some people are happy with hook ups - they are very rare. A very rare person to separate love and sex, emotions and sex. Extremely rare to find it in a female. It doesn't make for a happy life and good self esteem for most women. I'm not being sexist, it just doesn't make most women happy.
Women tend to be turned on in their brain! Things that turn women on aren't normally that visual. It's more about, how the guy held me, what he said, how he makes me feel, how he smelt etc. Men on the other hand, they are much more visual creatures. Hence why lingerie is such a huge business. Men, all visual. We women are a little more complicated than that. It's a bit of a running joke with me and my husband, y'know, he's a simple, average guy - just whack some heels on and some lingerie and that's all he needs! With me, he has to be nice to me all week ;) LOL! I'm kidding, of course he's nice to me all the time and not just to get me in bed but, I hope you see where I'm trying to go with this?
I'm sorry to ramble, but please, thinking you have something wrong with you is just going to make things worse. I will actually go against the general grain of normal advice on here which normally recommends a therapist for every single problem in life.
If you feel you have deep rooted, horrible issues which may be causing this, then, by all means, try a therapist. But! If you feel like you've never liked or loved any of the guys you're with, and you have been turned on in the past or by yourself, I can guess you're completely normal and all women would be the same - if I just tried to force myself into a sexual situation with some guy I hardly liked, well, I'd be writing your post dear!
Focus on yourself, try and be positive - look to the things you can change, rather than the things you can't.
Life is a huge, rare gift, we must appreciate it and don't squander it. You deserve to share your experiences and life with people that truly matter. That is the only way I know to happiness and yes, fantastic sex!
All the best, you can get over this,
Lo x
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