Urgent advice on relationships

There is a bad situation back home, bordering or there with abuse and neglect. Being violently ignored, shown no respect as a human being, learnt nothing about normal relationships and how they proceed.

The person is a young adult, left entirely by themselves. They went through school where people were put together daily and had no choice but to spend time together. Now they act friendly, they talk, etc., they don't have trouble with anxiety etc. but they cannot really build long-term meaningful relationships or feel close to people. They have trouble talking or keeping conversations going. Keeping to ask questions just does not lead anywhere. Still they are left to fend for themselves since early age, despite actual relationship difficulties and being left alone. They feel like they have a lot to give but feel stunted. They feel lonely and like something is missing. Like if they were old, they would have no one to call. They spend their days in bed, sleeping and on internet but they are not depressed. They can feel worse if they work and see they cannot build meaningful relationships. Sometimes the more they work, more alienated they feel, strangely. They just don't know how to bring the other person closer or get to know them. Therapists are not really helpful, home they are left hanging by themselves (not answered to, cold unrelated responses, etc.). Psychiatrists mainly give pills. Social coaches do not see them as they go about their day so they could tell what they are doing wrong. They feel separated all the time. They cannot live this way anymore as it is not a life.

So, what would you do in this case? Where and who could help? What can be done so they can live a fulfilling life?

Thank you for any good advice.

Jellyfish.

 

You are of course talking about yourself and you did bring up in an earlier thread your difficulties in relating to and conversing with people.

 

Yes, qualified therapists ARE helpful, and I would urge you to get counselling, on an ongoing basis. The therapists job is to get you to help yourself, to make you more resilient and in general to provide an improvement in your emotional makeup.

 

You ask:

 

Where and who could help? What can be done so they can live a fulfilling life?

 

Again, therapy.

 

Spending days in bed, sleeping and on the net are not healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist will help you with these issues.

 

Some insight here:

 

 

 

An excerpt from this very good article.

 

"In extreme cases, their "voicelessness" is so complete, so consuming, these "little voices" literally are silent for long periods of time. This is not a form of passive aggressive behavior (as has often been suggested) or even a retreat from relationships. Unless asked direct questions, they simply can't think of anything to say. "What do you want?" (now, this week, this year, during your lifetime) is impossible for them to answer. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.

 

Other "little voices" ultimately become aware that they have sacrificed their independence, their "voice," in bending around others, and become negative and bitter. They are exceptionally sensitive to what they perceive as the non-responsiveness of people around them--precisely because they compare their own generous nature to the words and actions of others."

 

It's very hard to read like this with the constant "they".... this will be the problem with getting less responses.

We all know its you you're talking about but this reads so hard that i gave up before reaching halfway

I cannot edit it now.

No need to edit, Jelly. We are aware that you are talking about you, as in your other thread. the young person is "you", (singular) not "they".

 

REpeating, therapists ARE helpful and I would strongly advise yout o seek counselling.

Well therapist does not take me seriously. It sounds like something a doctor should help with or I don't know what, the therapist gave me advice like "be grateful" etc. And it just is not helpful.

Then Jelly, you are not with the right therapist. A properly qualified therapist will definitely take you seriously, and will not tell you what to do or not to do. S/he will work with you (and it can be a long process) to find yourself, and hopefully leave behind your early family and other issues.

 

Whatever country you are in there is bound to be a professional association of psychologists/therapists.

 

Look that up, and they will have listed qualified professionals in various localities.

 

It is vital that you seek help.

I mean I have a flatmate and just don't know what about or how to talk to him (a new one but in principle it could be anyone). I don't know how to continue relationship. And this goes on and on this way.

Here, all therapists are similar ..

Where is "here", Jelly?

 

And what do you mean by "similar".

The country I live. It is just hard to find a "qualified" therapist, they are mainly found on internet and there is a bunch of them. They just take money and don't do very much except listen etc. There is no association I know of..

pretty sure every country has a licensing board...

 

 

Psychiatrists mainly give pills. Social coaches do not see them as they go about their day so they could tell what they are doing wrong.

i don't think i understand. a social coach refuses to see you? or do you refuse to see one because it would take them following your daily schedule, when you say you don't have one (you stay isolated at home, work makes you feel worse...)? if that is so, then i think a social coach would have no trouble identifying the problem with your routine, but perhaps you're avoiding them because you're not ready to give it up yet.

 

in that case, the "symptom" is clung to, because at the end of the day, every symptom is basically a solution to something- a maladaptive one, but good enough when for whatever reason the person can't or won't utilize a healthier one. in other words, you may be feeling happier this way for now, then actually changing anything.

Found on the internet. I don't quite understand.

 

You are obviously looking in the wrong place.

 

Therefore, I would suggest you visit your primary care provider (doctor) and ask him or her to give you the name or names of qualified professionals that they know of. And they could also give you a reference to one of these therapists.

 

Being passive isn't going to help you, Jelly. You must take action for yourself.

 

I gather you have no support from family, although you do not specify what the problem there is. Surely you have other more sympathetic relatives who might help you.

Yes there are qualified therapists. I need help very much.

No there are no sympathetic relatives, none of them want to take me under their wing. I am trying to reach some qualified therapists but I worry there are none the town I am in. I feel like I might die like this. Nobody takes it seriously or helps urgently even though I was in hospital before.

So, you are telling us your parents (or relatives) don't want anything to do with you. Why is this? If you are very young surely your parents have some responsibility towards you.

 

When you say you were in hospital before, what happened? Why were you in hospital?

Don't ask me why. All I know is I need help and urgently. I am a young adult.

There is no point explaining but it all built up (lack of support, friendships, etc.). What is incredible is that in this place nobody does anything about the actual problem. I have been to so many therapists and others who don't understand this is URGENT. It can't wait anymore.

Tomorrow I will contact some doctors for good therapists' contacts.

Would you not feel deranged or horrible if you were left chronically isolated?

when you feel worse, do you get a new checkup with your psychiatrist? have you tried occupational therapy, or working with a local mental health community to help you reconnect with your environment? social services have counseling, maybe try that if you can't find a therapist.

Would you not feel deranged or horrible if you were left chronically isolated?

what are group homes like where you live? if your psychiatric dx warrants it, considering that you feel you can't hold down a job, and don't appreciate isolation, a good group home may be to your liking- "work" is actually limited to occupational therapy, and the rest of it mimics family/home life.

 

a professional may not think your condition is urgent if you are consistently medicated, and well monitored. but of course if you feel much worse than usual, feel like you may do something, or like you don't want to live independently any more, then they will take that into account.

Jelly.

 

There is, very obviously, background to your present sad situation. Family and other background. And THAT is precisely what you will need to bring out into the open and discuss with any counsellor, not just your present woes. A good therapist will lead you into the reasons (family of origin reasons) why you are abandoned, and as you remark yourself, "chronically isolated".

 

Nothing happens in a vacuum, OP.

you're a young adult with a flatmate- are you still in school (college, uni...)?

 

There is no point explaining but it all built up (lack of support, friendships, etc.). What is incredible is that in this place nobody does anything about the actual problem.

and, can you please clarify what you mean by "actual problem" and what your expectations of the professionals are? it's hard to tell whether you are worried about the way you experience your situation, or expecting there to be an outside force that will "include you"...? just genuinely feel this was worded ambiguously.

RC. It seems Jelly shares with a number of other young people.

 

"I am living with three other girls my age who are all nice and nothing is developing. NOTHING. I try to ask questions, I'm polite and everything but it doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I can go for days in silence even if I cook in front of them etc. Surely this is not normal? I never open up emotionally and not even sure if I know how to do so. You can only pretend everything is ok up to a certain point.

This is a chronic problem. I also have hardly any close friends."

 

I am getting the impression, Jelly, that you are not originally from the country in which you are currently living.......

LaHermes, did you read the OP? There is no deeper family reason than that and others will not change.

I am a student but not studying just now. I deserve to learn how to get along with people AS I AM. Group home cannot teach you that ...

what are professionals to do about this, urgently? what do YOU suggest, OP? that they teach you how to handle your psychological distress, suggest services that help with the social aspect, teach interpersonal skills, adjust their meds? it helps to know what you want, otherwise if you show up at someone's office saying i'm lonely and marginalized and it's urgent this stops....while admitting you spend your days in bed and avoid things that could help you socialize...well. they'll write an rx at best. so i'd suggest specifying to them what areas you'd personally like to work on so that you improve your circumstance, your interpersonal skills, your self-soothing skills and asking them to be directed to whatever place or person can help with that specifically.

 

but if you mean that you have been sent to licensed therapist after licensed therapist and none of them are helpful, you won't be met with much enthusiasm.

 

i still don't understand the issue with the social coach either.

I do not live with them right now and would appreciate not posting things from the previous thread ... I put everything important here.

They are to suggest services that help with the social aspect.

As for social coach, they would need to see how you actually socialise or not with people, what you do ... in order to help.

You are not making sense Jelly.

Rainy Coast is making very good points and suggestions.

 

On this thread in your op you said:

 

"There is a bad situation back home, bordering or there with abuse and neglect. Being violently ignored, shown no respect as a human being, learnt nothing about normal relationships and how they proceed.

The person is a young adult, left entirely by themselves."

 

Any professional therapist IS going to require you, as part of ongoing and helpful sessions, to bring up that part of your life, because that is where the cause of your present problems lies.

 

What services to "help with the social aspect".

 

What EXACTLY do you mean, and what do you expect.