"Are you sure about reconnecting?"

Hi all,

Long story short:

Me and ex broke up in Feb 2016.

Reasons: my relational immaturity, pushing her away, LDR for a few months and a severy personality change I experienced due to some medication I was on. We were in a relationship for 2,5 years and despite my issues she absolutely worshipped for me the most time (not taking into account the last months of course).

She told me her feelings had changed but hoped we could work things out.

I begged her for a few weeks with a result that a 'break' became a 'breakup. I still continued pestering her and we went from 'it is best for now but let's see what happens' to 'we need to move on'

We tried friendship after some weeks of NC but I was not ready for that and tried to force things which again pushed er away. She told me that she did really want to reconnect at some point but that she jus felt forced at the moment. I decided to finally go NC after the summer of 2016. After 2 months of NC she reached out. Ever since, she has been reaching out again almost once a month and we chit chat for a little.

We still live in different countries (she: UK, me: Germany) and we almost made plans to meet up but then her dad got a heart attack and my grandmother died (2 months ago).

She reached out last week and asked me what my holiday plans were. I decided to ask her to meet up this summer. Her response.

"About meeting... I have thought about it and maybe it is not a good idea. I will be traveling soon and I feel it would be difficult because it is too early for me. I am sorry I am like this"

I have not really replied yet but I really want to ask her if she actually still has the desire to ever meet up again because if not, I feel it is probably best to cut ties completely. Should I tell her something like this?

I would really want to reconnect with her because till this day she is still the most amazing woman I have ever met and I hate how I have forced het to end things. She is not the type of person that plays games, manipulates or lies.

Thank you all!

I think it would be wise to tell her not to contact you anymore unless she wants to discuss reconciliation, yes. This has been going on long enough and I think she will understand why you cannot remain in touch at this time.

You two broke up over a year ago. You blew it. Its over. (I think I have said this before) You said you wanted to tell her how you felt and reconnect, you did and she said she didn't think it was a good idea.

There you go, you have your answer. Please, just let her go. Its been over a year.

She added: 'it takes time'.

Does she actually want to meet but does she really just needs more time? Is she just leading me on?

She has never been someone to play games but still...

I don't think she's trying to play games but I also don't think she really wants to meet up. You broke up more than a year ago. I think you need to let go of hope, my friend.

She's going through some difficult times right now and isn't in the best place to be in a relationship. I don't agree with others that you should lose hope. Separation time has nothing to do with chance of getting back, in fact the longer the break the better. Just tell her you understand and to let you know when she's ready. But in the meantime you do your own thing, stop bothering her, and show that you can live happily without her.

She's going through some difficult times right now and isn't in the best place to be in a relationship. I don't agree with others that you should lose hope. Separation time has nothing to do with chance of getting back, in fact the longer the break the better. Just tell her you understand and to let you know when she's ready. But in the meantime you do your own thing, stop bothering her, and show that you can live happily without her.

Thank you for your response.

Hmm I know she is very busy but I don't think she is going through difficult times on a personal level.

I tried giving up hope, and I think till the day I see her married to another guy there will always be some hope. The only thing I can do is to make improve myself and my life so much that I don't miss her that much anymore.

I am very much on the fence on how to resond to her...

I should obviously not show any buthurtness.

Another side of me really wants to set a boundary... I want to know if she actually has any desire to meet and is just not ready yet (take into account that we do not live in the same country anymore and meeting would involve some planning) or she just has absolutely no desire at all anymore...

Is there a way of asking her this without pushing her away again?

Lately she has been a bit more initiative when it comes to talking...

I don't think posing that question to her will yield you with a definitive answer.

You could try asking, but I have a feeling you'll be met with a vague and inconclusive answer, something like, "I don't know what the future holds but I'm not ready now" or "let's see what the future brings."

I don't think posing that question to her will yield you with a definitive answer.

 

You could try asking, but I have a feeling you'll be met with a vague and inconclusive answer, something like, "I don't know what the future holds but I'm not ready now" or "let's see what the future brings."

Thank you for your response again.

To be completely honest, that answer would be fine with me.

Then I would know that I just need to go back to no contact, give her space.

If the answer would be ´No sorry, to be honest I don´t think it is going to happen..´ then I would know that I would just need to completely remove her from my life.

Whatever her answer would be...I will definitely continue with NC.

How would I frame such a message without being too pushy? Blegh...

Oh I assumed that she might still be grieving due to her grandmother's death.

Just say something along the lines of "I understand, let me know when you want to move forward" and then go NC. Don't chit chat with her like you've been doing every month. Don't ask her if she will ever want to meet up because people can't give you a concrete answer as feelings are always changing. You don't need closure from her because you're not going to put your life on hold for her anyways.

Either way when someone isn't confident in saying yes I want you, then you just back off and not invest anything into them. You're obviously still emotionally invested in her but pretend you're not.

 

Just say something along the lines of "I understand, let me know when you want to move forward"

Hmm then I would probably give her the vibe that I am here waiting for her which would be a turn off for her.

How about: 'I understand, I just hope to see you one day'

I wrote her a letter (have not sent this), what would you guys think if I would actually send her this. Changed the names.

Hey Jane,

I wanted to tell you something and I figured it would be a bit too long to write it on facebook.

I really had hoped that, at some point we could maybe reconnect a bit again after we both had moved on, and we both had built our separate lives. I had always thought that you wanted the same as well at some point.

If you don´t want that (anymore) then that is fine. It is not that I don´t understand… I acknowledge that I might have given you reasons in the past to make you feel hesitant. I know I have pushed you away with certain behaviors before and after the break up. Whether it was my relational immaturity that hurt you, me not validating your insecurities when we were still together, or me not listening to you after we broke up and giving you the space you needed.

Jane, I know it sounds like a lame excuse but I know that if I would not have gotten the hormonal issues that came with severe effects on my mental and physical health, I would have handled that situation very different…My mind felt hijacked at times and I made some decisions that were very unlike me. Of course moving to a new city where I constantly had to move for the first few months was also not helping… Not saying that things would have been different, but I do think there would not be such an emotional wall between us.

If not seeing each other anymore really is how you need things to be, then there is nothing I can do but accept that. But then staying in touch with each other is something that would probably not feel right to me anymore. I have no (and never will) have any hard feelings towards you but for me, it would feel demeaning as it would be indicative of which part of me you have remembered, especially since that is a part that I manage to leave in the past.

A lot has changed for me. It is sometimes hard to recognize myself in the same person I was 2 years ago. Whether it is regarding interests or just the general outlook on life… And that brings me to how I want to end this message…The Jack and Jane that lived together in CITY are no longer in each other´s life. I just think it would be a shame of the Jack of now, and the Jane I knew, would never meet.

Uh no, if you go NC on her she wouldn't think you're waiting for her.

Don't send the letter, come on dude grow some balls, you're way too clingy and emotional, just chill out

You two broke up a year and 5 months ago.

You're worried that she'll think you're sitting around waiting for her? That letter will confirm it without a doubt.

I get it, you're hoping the letter will make her want to see you again. But, as a former recipient of such a letter (actually an email in my case), all it did was confirm that I'd done the right thing by breaking up. Because the one I received was focused on HIM and what HE wanted, and he hadn't even considered what I wanted.

I highly recommend you don't send it.

You two broke up a year and 5 months ago.

 

You're worried that she'll think you're sitting around waiting for her? That letter will confirm it without a doubt.

 

I get it, you're hoping the letter will make her want to see you again. But, as a former recipient of such a letter (actually an email in my case), all it did was confirm that I'd done the right thing by breaking up. Because the one I received was focused on HIM and what HE wanted, and he hadn't even considered what I wanted.

 

I highly recommend you don't send it.

I agree with all of the above.

The letter is excessive, OP. She knows you want to see her again, and at the moment, she doesn't feel the same way. Your letter, while heartfelt, is not going to help matters.

You two broke up a year and 5 months ago.

 

You're worried that she'll think you're sitting around waiting for her? That letter will confirm it without a doubt.

 

I get it, you're hoping the letter will make her want to see you again. But, as a former recipient of such a letter (actually an email in my case), all it did was confirm that I'd done the right thing by breaking up. Because the one I received was focused on HIM and what HE wanted, and he hadn't even considered what I wanted.

 

I highly recommend you don't send it.

Why would it confirm that? I know that letters in general are a bad idea but I think this letter is not too long, not too sappy and not manipulative. I think I also clearly mention in the message that I validate her position and her feelings and that I want to give her what she wants, if that is what she wants. The only thing that is about me is where I explain about my medical condition and how that impacted me... This is actually the #1 why there has been this huge emotional distance between the 2 of us, this has only slowly started to crumble down a bit this year...

I agree with all of the above.

 

The letter is excessive, OP. She knows you want to see her again, and at the moment, she doesn't feel the same way. Your letter, while heartfelt, is not going to help matters.

I know that this letter will not make her go like 'OK, in that case: let's meet!'

The goal of the letter would be:

- to show her that I truly understand her position and that I get where she is coming from.

- to explain to her that there was a reason why I acted like I did

- to show her I have changed

- to tell her that I respect her wishes

- to make clear that if she really does not want to meet anymore that we need to go our seperate ways...

Why would it confirm that? I know that letters in general are a bad idea but I think this letter is not too long, not too sappy and not manipulative. I think I also clearly mention in the message that I validate her position and her feelings and that I want to give her what she wants, if that is what she wants. The only thing that is about me is where I explain about my medical condition and how that impacted me... This is actually the #1 why there has been this huge emotional distance between the 2 of us, this has only slowly started to crumble down a bit this year.....

I invite you to count how many times you used the words "I" and "me" in the letter.

And sending it does make it clear that, even though a year and 5 months have gone by, you ARE still thinking about her. Otherwise it wouldn't even occur to you to send her a letter.

But you must do what you must do. I think it's a bad idea but you think it's a good one. It's your life and your decision. I'm just giving you advice like you requested. In the end its entirely up to you.

Well, writing a personal letter without the use of 'I' and 'me' is nearly impossible of course.

I have no problem with her knowing that I still think about her, I know that she still thinks about me as well.

I am not ignoring your advice by any means by the way, I highly appreciate everyone here that takes time to respond to me. If everyone here would tell me to 'send that latter now!' I would ask the very same critical questions. I just want to make the right decisions and by asking question to the experienced members of this site I always get answers that give me insights that I might not have gotten on my own, which then again lead to me making better decisions and being more confident in my actions.

OMG!! You are thinking way too much.

It is over... let her go.

Have you thought what your actions are doing to this poor girl?

She doesnt want to be with you, by calling her, sending her emails or whatever is only opening the wounds that you left. Remember that YOU didnt want her. You wanted to keep her at a distance, YOU wanted things YOUR way. You were selfish and she left and look, you still are being selfish by asking her questions and wanting to see her. You are being selfish.

You two have been broken up for over a year. If she wanted back with you, she would of told you. All you are doing is continuing to hurt her with every word you say to her. Knock it off. Think of her and let her go.

Then just go ahead and send it, OP.

I really don't think it's a good idea, but you seem convinced that you need to do this and you're clearly having a lot of trouble walking away from this.

Do you even know if she's maybe seeing someone else?

Hmm then I would probably give her the vibe that I am here waiting for her which would be a turn off for her.

 

How about: 'I understand, I just hope to see you one day'

And now you don't mind if she knows you're still thinking about her?

I'm once again confused.

OMG!! You are thinking way too much.

 

It is over... let her go.

 

Have you thought what your actions are doing to this poor girl?

 

She doesnt want to be with you, by calling her, sending her emails or whatever is only opening the wounds that you left. Remember that YOU didnt want her. You wanted to keep her at a distance, YOU wanted things YOUR way. You were selfish and she left and look, you still are being selfish by asking her questions and wanting to see her. You are being selfish.

 

You two have been broken up for over a year. If she wanted back with you, she would of told you. All you are doing is continuing to hurt her with every word you say to her. Knock it off. Think of her and let her go.

I appreciate your response but I have to say something. I think that the image you have of the relationship between me and her that is too black and white. This might be due to me not describing it well enough though.

Even though my posts on this forum can come of as pathetic and needy, this is not how I communicate to her. This forum is my place to go when I feel vulnerable. The last time I initiated a conversation with her was last October (leaving out her birthday which was a few months ago). The last time I mentioned anything relationship related is probably one year ago.

Ever since, she has always been the one to reach out to me. Two times when I did not reply after a few days on messenger she wrote me a whatsapp message if everything was fine. She has also mentioned (without me asking) a few months ago that she would want to come to the city where I live atm since she has never been there. I did not ask her to meet up right away because I wanted more 'proof'' of her being ready because I know her, and she would never DIRECTLY mention this.

Two weeks ago she told me her cat had died and I told her my grandmother had died. She told me that 'she had a fullfilling life with an amazing grandson'. Right after this she asked if I had any plans for the summer and I misjudged this as her indirect way of maybe telling that she was ready.

Yes I pushed her away when we were together but I also did a lot of things for her. Even one month after the break up she mentioned that it was the best relationship she ever had.

I hope this gives a more accurate image. No offence btw

And now you don't mind if she knows you're still thinking about her?

 

I'm once again confused.

I think there is a difference between knowing that I still think about her and care for her VS NEEDING her and waiting for her

Then just go ahead and send it, OP.

 

 

Do you even know if she's maybe seeing someone else?

Not 100% sure but based on her social media behavior and how she talked to me the last months I don't think so.

I think there is a difference between knowing that I still think about her and care for her VS NEEDING her and waiting for her

But that's how your letter comes across, my friend.