I am amused by Needy

It seems like "needy" is the worst thing you can be these days.

 

"Don't do that... you'll come off as needy."

 

"Run!!! There's a needy person coming!!!"

 

The devastating effects of neediness are never actually clarified. It's just this thing that no one wants to be, and everyone is afraid of.

 

I, personally, am completely independent. I farm my own food, mine my own minerals, smelt my own iron, plumb my own pipes, wire my own electric, pour my own cement, manufacture my own automobile, weave my own clothes, pave my own roads, prevail over my own government, etc. So I don't understand needy, or its dangers. Maybe someone can explain....

Humans do "need" each other... but that's not what being needy is about.

 

Being needy in a relationship is needing constant attention, affirmation, contact, touch, whatever - losing your independence by depending on a partner.

 

Every mother to an infant I know needs breaks sometimes to get out of the house. The presumption is they need a respite from being needed. It's exhausting. Likewise, why would a romantic partner want to be needed like a baby needs its mother?

"Defining neediness, rather inelegantly, as “a generalized, undifferentiated dependence on others and feelings of helplessness and fears of desertion and abandonment, ” the investigators discovered that it has an important relationship to depression. The needy often feel hopeless and unhappy."

 

"The Role of Childhood: You may have not had the easiest of childhoods. Perhaps you were endowed with an anxious nature and always worried. Or, maybe you were a reactive child who often took things the wrong way. Many people who are anxious as adults were also anxious as kids.

 

Perhaps, you struggled and constantly lost the battle for attention. You felt like you were invisible and regarded very little; or your sister or brother were considered smarter or more attractive. Childhood is supposed to be carefree and happy-go-lucky, but yours was far from this. These are psychological wounds that trigger the desire to cling onto whoever enters your life.

 

From an article by:

 

Mark Banschick M.D. Mark Banschick M.D.

 

Who Wants To Be Needy? Six Solutions

"

Exactly MLD!

 

Neediness is exhausting for all concerned.

Humans do need other humans, but in a sense of a broader social need. It's well documented the adverse effects of imposed social isolation. However, needing any one person in particular is something I fundamentally oppose. And even to the extent of it not necessarily being one person you depend on, if you overall lack healthy internalization techniques and come to rely on any number of people in lieu of emotional independence, that's not a good thing.

 

While I'll definitely admit there are cases I think folks are just universally "needy," by and large its application is a bit subjective, extending to 1) people who are prone to centering their lives around someone(s), particularly when there's no real tangible investment involved to justify it, and more subjectively, 2) when someone fails to account for or knowingly and outright disregards what another is simply unwilling or able to provide but still insists on holding them to their own standard.

Being needy in a relationship is needing constant attention, affirmation, contact, touch, whatever

 

Honestly, I don't know why these things are categorized as bad. Personally, I like to receive them. And I think that adults who need them constantly are quite rare. Otherwise, I would be dodging needy people like zombies around town and at work. I also don't see how I would lose my independence by providing attention, affirmation, contact, and touch to my partner. I have these things to give of myself. It doesn't cost me anything. And I can say no.

 

As for the infant thing--well, that's one reason I'm not taking the parent road.

 

But more to the point, it seems to me that "neediness" is becoming an obstruction to actually liking other people. Everyone has different needs. If someone needs a certain level of attention (for example) that another person isn't comfortable with, they are labelled as needy, somehow inferior or even disabled--like an infant. I don't think this is realistic or helpful to anyone involved.

No, Jib, that's not it. The difference is in wanting something rather than needing it (speaking here of relationships). If someone is unable to stand alone, without a crutch then something is wrong.

 

Neediness refers to being clingy, "loving too much", needing to be shored up by the "other".

 

I cannot imagine anything worse.

Defining neediness, rather inelegantly, as “a generalized, undifferentiated dependence on others and feelings of helplessness and fears of desertion and abandonment, ” the investigators discovered that it has an important relationship to depression. The needy often feel hopeless and unhappy."

 

"The Role of Childhood: You may have not had the easiest of childhoods. Perhaps you were endowed with an anxious nature and always worried. Or, maybe you were a reactive child who often took things the wrong way. Many people who are anxious as adults were also anxious as kids.

 

Perhaps, you struggled and constantly lost the battle for attention. You felt like you were invisible and regarded very little; or your sister or brother were considered smarter or more attractive. Childhood is supposed to be carefree and happy-go-lucky, but yours was far from this. These are psychological wounds that trigger the desire to cling onto whoever enters your life.

 

Indeed: anxiety. So many people suffer from it these days. I honestly think that part of the "needy" fear is anxiety on the part of the rejecters--the needy-callers. Anxiety about taking care of other people--which is a legitimate fear, a big responsibility. But fear/anxiety based nonetheless. On one hand there is (what I think) an inflated fear of care-taking (because how many adults are really like infants). On the other hand (I think that) anxiety increases as bonds between human beings weaken. It's like a trap.

Would you want someone to constantly text you or call you and get mad if you didn't respond right away?

No, Jib, that's not it. The difference is in wanting something rather than needing it (speaking here of relationships). If someone is unable to stand alone, without a crutch then something is wrong.

 

Neediness refers to being clingy, "loving too much", needing to be shored up by the "other".

 

I cannot imagine anything worse.

 

What I'm saying is, where are these limp human beings that can't stand on their own. I don't see them. I see people trying and sometimes failing, and the entirety of the story being missed or ignored.

And that's not the worst of it, MLD.

 

It's the "without you I'll die" syndrome, encouraged unfortunately by mawkish ballads and the like.

 

I recall one such "song" "You make me whole" etc.

 

Sad.

I don't think most people get needy in their platonic relationships. I think it only really happens in romantic ones. So why would you see it in society?

Would you want someone to constantly text you or call you and get mad if you didn't respond right away?

 

I've had friends like this actually. Sometimes they get mad and they fade away. It's surprising and amusing, but I'm not frightened or repulsed by them.

 

One of my best friends in the world was always calling me or coming over, or even chasing me down in the hallways at school. I used to hang up on this girl! She'd come over and I wouldn't answer my door. One time, she was chasing me down after school and slipped and fell in the mud. I ran away and left her lying there. No joke. She was angry about that, but she's a tough chick. And she eventually outgrew that and became an awesome friend. Someone whom I love and respect very much.

 

So, it doesn't really matter to me. I can deal.

I see these people all the time. Some examples:

 

One couple I know stopped socializing because the female half of the couple doesn't like this person or that person and wants the male half to spend all his time with her. He complained to me about it but ended up giving in to her demands to keep the peace. Now all he does is go to work and hang out with her. And she even changed her shift at work so they would work together all the time. Poor guy gets NO time to himself.

 

My ex husband didn't want me to have any friends and didn't even want to see his own family. He wanted my focus to be 100% on him and our kids. No outsiders.

 

My cousin's ex used to literally follow her around at family gatherings. Like, he was literally no more than two feet from her at all times. If she ever went somewhere with a girlfriend he'd call her 40-50 times in a row. He just wanted to say hi and that he missed her and wondered how her day was going!!!!! But jeez, give it a rest already!

Unfortunately they are everywhere, Jib, and their neediness means they are fair game for the predators of this world. The needy enter one destructive relationship after another, and the more hurt they are the more needy they become.

I don't think most people get needy in their platonic relationships. I think it only really happens in romantic ones. So why would you see it in society?

 

No it happens both ways. The two girls I had in mind in my last response were both platonic friends. But I had a needy boyfriend, too. I broke up with him. But we stayed friends for a long time afterwards.

But there is no mystery as nothing happens in a vacuum.

 

The neediness did not spring out of nowhere.

 

All one has to do is look at the FOO.

I see these people all the time. Some examples:

 

One couple I know stopped socializing because the female half of the couple doesn't like this person or that person and wants the male half to spend all his time with her. He complained to me about it but ended up giving in to her demands to keep the peace. Now all he does is go to work and hang out with her. And she even changed her shift at work so they would work together all the time. Poor guy gets NO time to himself.

 

My ex husband didn't want me to have any friends and didn't even want to see his own family. He wanted my focus to be 100% on him and our kids. No outsiders.

 

This I would consider more along the lines of unreasonable, manipulative, controlling. Are they the same? Is "needy" a catchall for all undesirable behavior?

I am having a hard time keeping up with all of the responses! I am trying, but may have to resume tomorrow.

No, Jib, it is not a catchall for certain types of behaviour. A little more complex than that.

 

Plenty of info out there on the topic.

 

"I'll die if you leave me for even half an hour".

 

"I'll kill myself if you leave me".

 

"Beat me up if you like, but I'll still stay with you".

 

A tiny infant is "needy" (naturally).

 

It is simple. If the child's needs are not met then you have the fertile ground for a needy adult.

This I would consider more along the lines of unreasonable, manipulative, controlling. Are they the same? Is "needy" a catchall for all undesirable behavior?

 

I believe these actions are the results of insecurity and anxiety, which translates to "needy".

No it happens both ways. The two girls I had in mind in my last response were both platonic friends. But I had a needy boyfriend, too. I broke up with him. But we stayed friends for a long time afterwards.

I was going to comment on something relating to that point. Bear in mind my Y chromosome, but it does seem a lot of people (women in particular) tend to put that same sort of interpersonal neediness on friends just as well as relationships. It's actually a common enough theme on these forums. I also don't think it's accidental. I think we've very wrongly and sexistly (?) been raising girls to depend much more on external affirmation for however many generations, the present unfortunately included, and it's clashing pretty heavily with a more modern social framework. Not to turn the thread into an anthropological commentary by any means.

No, Jib, it is not a catchall for certain types of behaviour. A little more complex than that.

 

Plenty of info out there on the topic.

 

"I'll die if you leave me for even half an hour".

 

"I'll kill myself if you leave me".

 

"Beat me up if you like, but I'll still stay with you".

 

Manipulative. This is different from simply wanting attention, attention, affirmation, contact, touch, etc.

I've had friends like this actually. Sometimes they get mad and they fade away. It's surprising and amusing, but I'm not frightened or repulsed by them.

 

One of my best friends in the world was always calling me or coming over, or even chasing me down in the hallways at school. I used to hang up on this girl! She'd come over and I wouldn't answer my door. One time, she was chasing me down after school and slipped and fell in the mud. I ran away and left her lying there. No joke. She was angry about that, but she's a tough chick. And she eventually outgrew that and became an awesome friend. Someone whom I love and respect very much.

 

So, it doesn't really matter to me. I can deal.

 

I'm confused. How can you say neediness doesn't bother you when you admit, above, to letting relationships fade until they are less needy?

 

I mean... you left a chick in the mud! So you could take her friendship or leave it.

 

Which is why neediness is advised against. Because it'll kill relationships, as YOU even admit

Ah but neediness is not about wanting attention, or the rest.

 

It is internal, built in since a (dysfunctional) childhood. The "other" in a relationship cannot cure the neediness. Cannot be a crutch. The needy individual is in a VERY bad place. Open to abuse, predators, the exploiters of this world.