Enter if You Wish... (Seeking Guidance)

I suppose the best thing to start of with is me. My whole life ive always had this feeling in the back of my mind that something, I could never pinpoint what, but something was'nt right. Like something isnt adding up. Its quite an unsettling feeling almost what I would describe being anxious is like. My memory is very hazey, I struggle to recall events from the previous 24 hours and the past week, month and so on... Im 24 Years old, unemployed, living with my parents and I have girlfriend. Where expecting a baby soon.

From what I can recall from when I was a child it seemed happy, "normal" as such I was doing well in school, had friends but everything changed from the age of 5-6. My oldest brother started to abuse me, the memories still haut me to this day and I know I dont remember all of it. I have since talked to him about it and I know his reasons as to why he done it, they seem legit enough I just dont know how I feel about it all yet. I dont trust anyone at all, including friends and family and it shows in my relationships with them and I never knew it. Its hard for my to make connections and bonds with people im close with. I cant cant seem to relax and be myself. I want to soo much because I want to be happy, im going to be a father soon and that scares the hell outa me. If I was ever to meet me I doubt that i would ever get back in touch.

What im saying is, I dont know this body and mind that im in, its forigen. Everyday I fantasize about being dead and how much better life would be for me and the people im close with, especially my soon to be son and girlfriend. Is there a point where everything clicks between body and mind?

I strongly advise you seek professional counselling/therapy.