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Thread: My fetish is destroying my relationship

  1. #1
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    My fetish is destroying my relationship

    Hello.
    I just want to ask your opinions on what I am going through and if you think I can ever be normal. I will try to do this as short as possible.

    I have a cuckquean fetish. It is also called reverse cuckold, it means that I am sexually aroused by a thought of my man having sex with another woman. I've been living sexually since I was 18 years old (I am 25 now). I am currently in a year old relationship, and my current partner is my third sexual partner in my life. I have never had an orgasm caused directly by any of my partners. Not during sex, not during any kind of sexual activity I have been doing with them. I had my first orgasm at 21, from masturbation. And I couldnt decide if I was more disturbed by the fact that it was the thought of my boyfriend having sex with his classmate (witch I HATED and was jealous of) that turned me on, or if I was more happy that I finally did it - I had an orgasm.

    I was too ashamed to tell my boyfriend about this at that time. Gradually, I found out more specificely what ideas turn me on. It was not about sex. It was not about voyerism. It was not a bi-thing. It was (and is) about humiliaton. Not slight, cute, sexy humiliation. I fantasize about my partner deliberately cheating on me, not about some loving consent. I dream of him totally degrading me as a woman. Sex is just a part of it and it would not especially bother me if it was solely about it. Mostly, I fantasize about him slowly falling in love with the other woman, torturing me emotionally, eventually making the other woman pregnant etc. Honestly, I couldn't care less about the sex part.

    My current partner knows that I have this fetish. We tried to make it work by him talking about this stuff during intercourse, him and the other woman, but as soon as he says anything like this, it hurts like hell. There is no joy of it. There is only pain, humiliation, all bad. It doesn't even make me horny. So, this didn't work at all, and I still can't reach orgasm with my partner. And I am not even close to it. Eventually, he started to be less and less interested in sex, and at the moment, it has been several months he hasn't even touched me, nor hasn't seen me naked. I tried to talk to him about it and told him that I enjoy sex even without orgasm, but he says it is very demotivating for him and I lose attractivity in his eyes sexually (it has been a long process to make him tell these real feelings of him). He says too that it isn't my fault, that he is under a lot of stress lately and doesn't feel good about himself since he gained some weight, so it is not just about me. But I know that it is mostly about me - he didn't lose interest in women, I see him checking them out and stuff (he's been doing this our whole relationship) - he just lost interest in me.

    I am afraid that my stupid sexuality will destroy our relationship. Currently I am just masturbating and there isn't any problem with it, I orgasm always, even several times a day if I want to - but I have to think about my fetish. I dont want my life to be like this. I feel so ashamed.

    Before you start telling me that I should have a long pause with this fetish, I DID IT. It was a year or so. I didn't think about my fetish, I stopped masturbating with this thought, I tried to think about normal intercourse, watch porn with my partner, talk normal "dirty stuff" during sex, I just tried it. I just couldn't get off at all.

    Then I tried another thing - since this fetish is the absolutely worst one for my self worth (for me, personally), I tried to replace the cuckquean one with another. I watched and read ALL kinds of porn, even the most perverted ones, including incest, ting and puking, just everything I could think of. None of them would do anything with me.

    Don't tell me to accept it. Just don't. I can't accept that I will never be able to orgasm with my partner or that he won't even want sex with me, that I fantasize about being taken away my human dignity, that my fantasies will be always just fantasies, because it would only hurt if I placed them in real life.

    Please, tell me what to do, something I haven't heard before, something that will wake me up from this living nightmare.

  2. #2
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    Without sounding dismissive, I think you might be best to enlist the help of a qualified sex therapist.

    Matters concerning sexuality are complicated and delicate, and it's even harder when it is seriously affecting your personal life and relationship. An experienced professional can help you (and your partner) make sense of these feelings and suggest other ways to explore together. I think that's going to be your best bet.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    I think sexual expression is a big part of a relationship. The desires of both parties should be expressed in the bedroom. If you can't make ends meet in a sexual relationship I think of that as sexual incompatiblity.

    If you have something you like and want to do in the bedroom you should look for a partner that can meet your ends sexually. The thing with what you are describing sounds less like a desire and more like a requirement. Your sex drive seems locked together with a strong negative emotion. It doesn't even sound like you want to incorporate it into your sex life. You just have to in order to orgasm.

    I would imagine it would be hard to find a decent guy who wants to fulfill your fetish. You might want to try to see a therapist to see why you have so strongly bound shame to sex.

    I will also say that my wife has a similar thing, although to a much less degree. We incorporate porn into our sex life when my wife wants to get her jealously thrill. She has no issues orgasming without jealously though.

    I would try to get some therapy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Keep your fetish in your head. While you're having sex, imagine whatever you want to...you don't have to actually have your man play that part, just play it out in your mind. Or atleast start that way until you learn how to orgasm with him, then start venturing into other ways to incorporate your fetish.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    I've struggled with getting off on humiliation when I was younger. It wasn't the exact same kink but it was troubling and it ended up making me feel really bad. It took years, a lot of sexual exploration, practiced effort and the help of some very open and fun sexual partners to get over it. And by "get over it" I mean able to have sexual desire outside of that kink and able to have good connected loving sex that is physically satisfying. I'm 32 now and I and still need to put effort in to not fall back into thinking habits that will end with me feeling terrible.

    For me, the first real step was to forgive myself of my desires. Running a script of self loathing will only make it worse.

    I'm sorry I don't have an easier answer. I would suggest working with a therapist if you can find one that is the right fit. Look for kink friendly therapists. I would also suggest that you and your boyfriend look up your local kink/bdsm club and check it out. Exploring that community really helped me get some perspective. Take classes, talk to people, watch some scenes. At worst it's a fun strange experince, at best it can be a whole community of people with deep and interesting perspectives on sex, desire and relationships.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    So..you do realize that many women can't orgasm from intercourse don't you? I have never climaxed from sex and only a handful of times with my partner manually stimulating me. So that issues that you have is fairly common. I have no issues climaxing myself through masturbation and so masturbation has to be part of my sex life when with a partner. I think about whatever I want. And so should you. You seem to be ashamed of your fetish but I don't think you should be. As you have found, just because you get off to it sexually doesn't men that it has to be part of your reality.

    My advice to you is enjoy your fetish and fantasies but keep them in your head. Bring masturbation into your sex life, encourage boyfriend to do the same. It's fun! And continue having sex without orgasm and enjoy it. Who knows what might happen.
    Don't get so worried about sex and performance and climaxing. Its frustrating for you and your partner.

  8. #7
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    Well, you probably didn't understand. I can't enjoy sex since my partner refuses to have sex with me for months. I wasn't the one who was dissatisfied with my lack of orgasm during sex, it was my boyfriend who was unhappy about it. He says all of his girlfriends were able to orgasm (and he had a lot of them). I want to have sex with him with or without orgasm, but he doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't blame me for anything, but he just can't get aroused with a knowledge that he won't make me climax anyway. When we did have sex, he couldn't even get off since he realized I can't have an orgasm like this. I just don't attract him sexually without ability to make me climax.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andaco
    Well, you probably didn't understand. I can't enjoy sex since my partner refuses to have sex with me for months. I wasn't the one who was dissatisfied with my lack of orgasm during sex, it was my boyfriend who was unhappy about it. He says all of his girlfriends were able to orgasm (and he had a lot of them). I want to have sex with him with or without orgasm, but he doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't blame me for anything, but he just can't get aroused with a knowledge that he won't make me climax anyway. When we did have sex, he couldn't even get off since he realized I can't have an orgasm like this. I just don't attract him sexually without ability to make me climax.
    It sounds like you guys are sexually incompatible then. You want to have sex and he doesn't.

    There was a time when my wife had a fairly low chance of orgasming during sex. I didn't through a pitty party and not have sex anymore. I had a lot of practice and got better. Sounds like either something he can't control or he is very immature in his processing of it. Either way isn't a good sign.

  10. #9
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    You can't have a monogamous relationship AND expect him to participate in a humilation fetish. I would try to retrain myself - try to grow your emotional intimacy with him (or someone else if he has totally checked out) - maybe developing deep intimacy will be a turn on for you rather than perceiving another woman as an object of pain to another person.

    I don't think he's immature - i think its just not much of a turnon knowing that there is no way you can satisfy someone - its not about having an orgasm every time - its more like knowing you are having sex with someone who is thinking about someone else and THAT is the reason there is NEVER satisfaction expressed from you. If you had a physical problem but were totally into him in every way, ie, like getting over an illness or a miscarriage or even injury - he would be understanding - but how can you feel like you are even wanted??

  11. #10
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    I am quite sure based of things my wife has said that she has something of the same fetish herself, thinking about me having sex with another woman, although it is pure fantasy and she'd be horrified if it actually happened. She would think about it while, manually stimulate herself to orgasm as we were having sex. I don't know if she still thinks about that, and I don't ask. Imo, somethings are better left unsaid. She does need to manually stimulate herself however, and sometimes oral on her works.

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