Originally Posted by Andaco
I just want to ask your opinions on what I am going through and if you think I can ever be normal. I will try to do this as short as possible.

I have a cuckquean fetish. It is also called reverse cuckold, it means that I am sexually aroused by a thought of my man having sex with another woman. I've been living sexually since I was 18 years old (I am 25 now). I am currently in a year old relationship, and my current partner is my third sexual partner in my life. I have never had an orgasm caused directly by any of my partners. Not during sex, not during any kind of sexual activity I have been doing with them. I had my first orgasm at 21, from masturbation. And I couldnt decide if I was more disturbed by the fact that it was the thought of my boyfriend having sex with his classmate (witch I HATED and was jealous of) that turned me on, or if I was more happy that I finally did it - I had an orgasm.

I was too ashamed to tell my boyfriend about this at that time. Gradually, I found out more specificely what ideas turn me on. It was not about sex. It was not about voyerism. It was not a bi-thing. It was (and is) about humiliaton. Not slight, cute, sexy humiliation. I fantasize about my partner deliberately cheating on me, not about some loving consent. I dream of him totally degrading me as a woman. Sex is just a part of it and it would not especially bother me if it was solely about it. Mostly, I fantasize about him slowly falling in love with the other woman, torturing me emotionally, eventually making the other woman pregnant etc. Honestly, I couldn't care less about the sex part.

My current partner knows that I have this fetish. We tried to make it work by him talking about this stuff during intercourse, him and the other woman, but as soon as he says anything like this, it hurts like hell. There is no joy of it. There is only pain, humiliation, all bad. It doesn't even make me horny. So, this didn't work at all, and I still can't reach orgasm with my partner. And I am not even close to it. Eventually, he started to be less and less interested in sex, and at the moment, it has been several months he hasn't even touched me, nor hasn't seen me naked. I tried to talk to him about it and told him that I enjoy sex even without orgasm, but he says it is very demotivating for him and I lose attractivity in his eyes sexually (it has been a long process to make him tell these real feelings of him). He says too that it isn't my fault, that he is under a lot of stress lately and doesn't feel good about himself since he gained some weight, so it is not just about me. But I know that it is mostly about me - he didn't lose interest in women, I see him checking them out and stuff (he's been doing this our whole relationship) - he just lost interest in me.

I am afraid that my stupid sexuality will destroy our relationship. Currently I am just masturbating and there isn't any problem with it, I orgasm always, even several times a day if I want to - but I have to think about my fetish. I dont want my life to be like this. I feel so ashamed.

Before you start telling me that I should have a long pause with this fetish, I DID IT. It was a year or so. I didn't think about my fetish, I stopped masturbating with this thought, I tried to think about normal intercourse, watch porn with my partner, talk normal "dirty stuff" during sex, I just tried it. I just couldn't get off at all.

Then I tried another thing - since this fetish is the absolutely worst one for my self worth (for me, personally), I tried to replace the cuckquean one with another. I watched and read ALL kinds of porn, even the most perverted ones, including incest, ting and puking, just everything I could think of. None of them would do anything with me.

Don't tell me to accept it. Just don't. I can't accept that I will never be able to orgasm with my partner or that he won't even want sex with me, that I fantasize about being taken away my human dignity, that my fantasies will be always just fantasies, because it would only hurt if I placed them in real life.

Please, tell me what to do, something I haven't heard before, something that will wake me up from this living nightmare.
I have this EXACT same problem i thought I was the only one!!!