Misinterpererated rape ?

So my wife and i for years have role played rapist and victim.Pretty harmless stuff holding her down getting rough (not too rough). I think its pretty hot but its her thing ,shes super into it . One day talking about how verbally abusive we can be when were fighting she says the best thing i could do in the middle of an argument would be to grab her hold her down and f$@k the s?!t out of her . Ok thats how it all started but heres the embarassing part . Just a normal heavy petting session amd she starts giving me oral but my head was elsewhere and i wasnt really into it (not that typical for us). To her dissapointment i could not rise to the occasion but the reaction i recieved was brutal "are you serious " looks of disgust and i didnt blame her for that i was feeling the same way and she stomped around angry for awhile as i contimplated what went wrong and felt extremely guilty . Thinking how sexy she is and how bad she wanted me that it frustrated her she couldnt have me was all it took. I was ready to go and i had this thought about our conversation about the best thing i could do if we were fighting (huge regret) . So i tried to play the part and she was playing her usual part i was ontop of her from behind witch is my weakness shes beautiful with an amazing a$$ and i finished pretty fast another not so proud moment and then i saw her face . She looked mortified and said i just raped her my world came crashing down from failure to please her guilt to fml im so sorry that wasnt what i was trying to do!!!!we had a rough go at it for awhile .everytime i tried to tell her i understand that in her shoes it was rape . if it felt like rape it was . So ive tried to convey my deepest regret for that and explain my side but get told that im telling her that it didnt happen. Weve done couples counseling for various issues in our relationship and it helped but anytime were in an argument even small ones if i get mad or yell at her to stop so i can just gather my thoughts she tells me im an abusive rapist or manipulative or just brings it up like well your abusive and if i ask how she says like how you raped me . I really do love her we have kids as well id do damn near anything to make it work . But i already have an issue with not forgiving myelf for the small things so this devastates me everytime . Am i a monster ?a rapist? any responses are welcome either way thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

Do you guys have a safe word? Sounds like that would be helpful in this situation. Did she tell you to stop or use the word?

No never needed one and she didnt say anything or resist just whimpers and wriggling to get away wich is exactly like her normal acting

I'm sorry, but calling you a rapist for this is just pathetic and insulting to people who have actually been raped. If she wanted you to stop she would've opened her mouth and yelled "STOP." Maybe it didn't feel the way she thought it would, and apparently it's one of those things that's sexy as a fantasy but needs to remain a fantasy. Even so, that gives her no right at all to call you a rapist or continue to run you through the coals for it. How can she seriously be angry with you AT ALL if she never even asked you to stop? I really don't see how you hold any blame at all. You should try to have a conversation with her about the entire situation, but something tells me she's not gonna make the effort to see your side and understand. I'm sorry, OP, I feel for you.

I'm sorry, but calling you a rapist for this is just pathetic and insulting to people who have actually been raped. If she wanted you to stop she would've opened her mouth and yelled "STOP." Maybe it didn't feel the way she thought it would, and apparently it's one of those things that's sexy as a fantasy but needs to remain a fantasy. Even so, that gives her no right at all to call you a rapist or continue to run you through the coals for it. How can she seriously be angry with you AT ALL if she never even asked you to stop? I really don't see how you hold any blame at all. You should try to have a conversation with her about the entire situation, but something tells me she's not gonna make the effort to see your side and understand. I'm sorry, OP, I feel for you.

This is only one side of the story so i dont want to make her out to be crazy or pathetic . It hurts beyond belief to know that she felt that way about me even for a moment. Ive definately tried to talk about it and thought we were getting though it (getting over it is way too much to expect ) but when i least expect it it hits me like a brick wall in the middle of an argument. Btw this was around two uears ago

Safe word or as someone told you -She could have yelled stop. She probably likes to make you feel guilty about it. She actually sounds like a horrible person. Who gets mad cause their guy isn't into sex at the moment? You guys have to respect our sexdrive so we should respect your aswell.

I don't think this was rape at all. She sounds like a manipulator.