Jump to content

Boyfriend identifies as female


Recommended Posts

My partner and i have been going out for over two years now and have known each other for nearly nine years.

While just friends, no-one knew he identified as female. He was born male and never talked to anyone about it.

Shortly after starting to go out he told me that in his head he is a girl and that if he could start life over again he would be female, but he has no interest in going through surgery or medication or letting anyone know.

I am his first and only partner, I still say he because thats what he wants, but when we are alone and he drops the act you can tell he is exceedingly feminine, I honestly have no idea how he keeps it up.

 

The thing is, as a straight female, I'm starting to really struggle with it and the guilt is starting to eat at me. It's not just his mannerisms or how he reacts to things but its also due to our sexlife. We can't really have a sex life because in his head, what he feels and sees in his mind does not match up with his body and that makes it awkward for when we are together. The things he wants to do or have thought about require him to be physically female, him playing the part as the man just destroys any immersion he has himself and everything falls apart.

 

I love him for him, but I dont know how else to describe it but he like oozes femininity and at times i just can't deal with it. I like men, I am straight but exceedingly open minded and have had experiences with women also. I honestly feel like the worst person in the world

Link to comment

At first it didn't bother me much. It wasn't a shock as such, but it was something that i felt was just a part of him and I should accept that. From my pov it was something that got steadily worse, from a niggle to a worry to an irritation etc it was slow to burn and currently its exacerbated by other issues. I honeslty wouldnt know how to start telling him, how do you tell someone that you cant deal with them as a person anymore?

Link to comment
It's not leading him on really. Its more of a, ignore the problems and just hope everything will fix themselves because despite everything i love him and dont want this to end.

 

Uhhhh....

Yeah.

 

Stop deluding yourself. You're leading him on.

 

You're not ok with who he fundamentally is and you're hoping it changes. You're leading him on.

Link to comment

I mean it's a bit infantilizing and sorta the dark side of "open mindedness" when you question these deal breakers that would still be deal breakers with any male who identifies as male simply because your partner is transexual. It's tantamount to special treatment. I mean I can't even date a sorta cliche "oozing femininity" woman and I date women.

Link to comment

If you really, truly love him, you'll break up with him as your boyfriend, and remain friends with him while he goes through therapy, medical help, etc., to help him smooth out his transition. He possibly feels that he'd never be able to get over the public's perception, so he's obviously extremely uncomfortable with exposing his truth. As someone who has been his friend for years, and loves him dearly, you should leave him but remain in his life to help him smooth out this transition.

 

Staying with him under any other circumstance is a lie. And it's only helping him with the lie.

 

If you truly love him, you'll accept him for who he is, and you'll start referring to "him" as "her", and you'll help.

 

Look at the Kris Jenner/Bruce/Caitlyn story. It has not ended well for her, as she no longer views him as a friend, and Caitlyn spent extra decades pretending.

Link to comment

I was trying to get across that im open minded and not at all homophobic and that at this stage in the relationship, why is it bothering me now, it it due to other things, should he seek help, should i seek help? Do wee need a couples therapist and we can work on it together? Do i just need to be honest with him?

I feel like ive either mis represented myself very badly or i dont know

Link to comment

I'm open minded. I'm cool with people doing whatever they like.

 

However, I have no interest in dating someone who is transgender. I also have no interest in dating a smoker or someone who dropped out of high school.

 

Just different interests and that's fine.

 

What isn't fine: staying with him when you don't want to be with him AS HE IS NOW. He won't change. He was honest with you from the beginning. You're being dishonest with him in return.

Link to comment

Sex isn't the be all or end all in a relationship.. but it's a healthy part of it.

Is this something that can be compromised? If not, it may be fairer to both of you to call it a day. You can then both meet people who are compatible with you. There are so many people on this planet, neither of you should have to settle with something that just doesn't fit. It's a shame it's taken 2 years to get to this point.. but it's better to bow out now, than tolerate it for another few years and end it then.

Link to comment

Ive read over everything and I think I have been just looking for answer i wasnt ever going to get, and i knew it wasnt the right one.

Thanks to everyone for being honest with me, I know it cant last as it is, its just something thats very hard to accept.

I guess i felt like i had to have tried? That I loved him so why should it bother me? Its such a mind and I think i needed the the wake up call

Link to comment

I'm so glad you feel you've reached this conclusion.

 

She needs your help and understanding more than anything in her world right now.

 

Decades from now, you can be still in her life, and be remembered by her with the most fondest of memories as the one person who helped her break out and become who she always thought she was. And you can remain one of her closest friends and allies.

 

This has got to be incredibly painful, as you are losing your boyfriend. I cannot begin to empathize, but I can support you and wish you the very best in helping your friend through the toughest thing she will ever go through. Choose to help her, and be a part of her process, and hold her hand through this. It's probably going to get more difficult before it gets easier. And then....share your makeup tips, girl!

Link to comment

Oh god I hope so. Because at the moment i cant help but think that im just going to destroy him, I dont want him to think that hes wrong or unwanted or anything like that. Because hes wonderful and I know that as friends we work oh so well, it just hurts that it doesnt work as anything more.

(please dont take me saying "he" as anything untoward or ignorant, its something he has always requested, he didnt want to be referred to as she)

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...