I broke NC even if she is lost - follow me

Here below you find my old post copied. I know that I should have stayed in NC, i know that I messed up everything, that this girl is lost. But I decided to try to re build something after 50 day of NC. I will use this post to let you know how it will go.

The relationship

In August '16, during a 14days trip in Norway, I started a relationship with a girl I love from 3 years and with we had like 200 line texts every day and a great feeling in person - let's call her "VA" - before breaking up the old relationship with a girl I never loved and I never had sex with - let's call her "FE" - for her choice. I told VA I did not have any gf before have sex with her because I was not sure I would have get her other way. Came back from Norway, I was weak and I didn't quit immediately the first one because I felt bad to her and we had a common holiday trip, already booked and paid. So I wasn't strong to break up before that trip, in my imagination I would have used that trip to have an excuse to say "things are definitely not working" let's end here. The two girls leave in different cities. FE in my town, VA in another. Once I reach that trip days, I did not tell VA that I was going to do that (because I changed my mind the evening before and I felt nothing to FE so I did not feel guilty) and she discovered. She got angry but she forgave me. Then I was under pression by her referring to FE every day and I wrote her (VA) a couple of bad texts telling I was not involved, she was not my gf, I miss the daily couple routine. After three weeks I tried again to break up with FE but she started to cry and I did not do that. I met again VA and we discuss and I wrote her another bad message. This until she saw others photos of me and FE together (at her birthday) and had a panick attacck, starting to take meds and go to the doctor. At the end she too a break period, I finally end the relationship with FE, I promise VA I would have changed, she came back after 3 weeks, but we were not the same, we were full of angry and, after some bad communications (and another bad text from me) she broke up by sms. During all the relationship I never went to her city and I never called on skype I truly love her but my head was mess up from all the pression of the two relationships and a LOT of personal troubles on works and inside my family (healthy problems). Basically, I ruined her trust and I disappointed her.

The break-up

After the sms text I was angry by the way she chose to close the relationship, and because it happened when I finally quit with FE and I was free. We met in person after 2 weeks and she confirm her intentions without adding no reason except "something is broken, I don't love you anymore, I don't want you in my life at all, I'm sorry this happened, I don't know why". She was cold. I told her to leave the car (under her house) then I tried to reach her some hours later to talk, she refused and we met the day after. I don't know why but I told her that I was ok with the end because I was not mature enough. I ask for reason, she told be she understood we were not be to being together because of some manners of me. We kissed, she left. I did not realize the end before the day after. Then I started to write her compulsively writing contradictory things like "you are the one" or "I'm so glad" or "You gave me nothing" or that. Like a psycho. I was not in control. Then I calm down and I realize that I missed the woman I loved because I wasn't be able to left immediately the one I never loved and I got crazy. So after 2 weeks I ask her to see me and, in a desperate way, I told her I love her and I would have move to her city to have another chance to try to be together and, if things would not worked, I would have left. She refuses with indifference.

The post break-up

She wrote me 4 days after asking me how I was. Unfortunately we started a cold daily text which continue for a month. After a month I decided to call her and told her I miss her and I still love her and I was suffering, then I ask to meet. I did it thought that she would have refused to meet if not interested once I told her those things. I went to pick her up at the station with a signal, thinking to have waisted the chances to see her. But she agreed. Unfortunately we end talking old stuff and ask her to see each other more frequently or stop communication because I would never been friend of her. She said "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, we can't see frequently because it would be a trouble for my serenity". The day after she wrote me and we started text daily again. It was always like "I write, she answer 6h later, I answer 6h later and so". Text were getting more involving and I decided to go to her place without telling her. Incredibly, after a first scared answer "what are you doing? I have to study a lot" (she's 23, medicine student), she decided to meet and she spend 6 hours with me on the beach letting me caress, kiss her neck, hold her hands and some other sweets things. I did not want to push things. After that, I ask her to have a dinner together the night after. The day after she wrote me that "she thought a lot of me during the day" and she accepted. We have the dinner, I gave her a flower. After the dinner she started towrote on my fb stuff like "But it's mine!!!" on a pic of a drawing I posted that was for her, or "Take me and bring me outside right now" under my last post. I took her out and hug her wrist for 20 min, then we sit down, she was joking like flirting, she put her legs on mine and I started to flirt too, I had my hand under her tshirt, I touch her boobs and she says "what are you doing" but without leaving, I did it 4 times, I kissed her neck and then I tried to kiss her but she slept away, went on her feet saying I need to go home. I did not move, so she came back and put her hand under my tshirt acting like I did with her boobs. Then we got up and she touched my ass, I did the same and she said "I can, you can't". Then she totally closed in a closure position and get super cold. We spent 10 minutes by walking and for all the way back she hold the flowers I gave her (which was destroyed, like 100 pieces, so wasn't a flower anymore) in her hands, having care of it. I lost my mind, we end talk again about past. She repeated as always "the past can't be deleted and I can decide my feelings, please give up for yourself" "I see you everytime like you are always different". Unfortunately I acted like desperate, with some little tears, she said "is not useful to see u like this". Then I took her with passion, touching her ass and starting to kiss her neck, I could hear she was involved by her breath but she said "I am confused I am confused I am confused" and run away. I left her a box of chocolates in the bar. He wrote me the day after "thanks for everything I felt very good but I am tired to say u the usual things, that is over and all, I get anxiety is like close again the relationship etc. etc. ending with "I will eat your chocolates once at night while I am away. (?)". After two days she called me asking about me and other stuffs, acting like super happy and flirting. She wrote me for two days like flirting, I played her game. Then I made some pressure (like a lot of texts) and when she came back to my city she refused to go out telling me she preferred to stay at home with her father and that was better to us to stay detached for a while. As needy and desperate, I end the story giving her a boxes full of 15 letters thought to be opened once a day, from the half may to first june, full of personal things like drawings, cd songs, poems, etc. ending with a last letter where I wrote her again (I'm an idiot) that she was the one, that i felt bad, I wanna her back, we never be friends, I also highlighted her behaviours, like "I know you are attracted and u feel something" because you did this and this, or "I did a lot for you" ending with, I wait for you for a while, otherwise I will start to forget you because I can't do more than this. I'm in No Contact since 15th of May, when she told me thanks for the letters and that she would have opened them but she would have not answer to me. Unfortunately, after I visited her, I thought that she was still attracted to me but she rationally decided to not came back with me because she did not trust me anymore, so I acted like "I'm trying anything to prove you that I really care about you".

Me - "I have just bought some soil for my german host and I thought abour when we stopped, going to my mountain house, to buy soil for my mother. Here we don't have problem to carry it because there are big women who do all the dirty job!" (Yesterday 6pm)

This is just a message to see if she wanna talk.. no pressure, just a memory

Her: "Yes, I remind it (: I suppose you are in Germany" (1 am, yesterday)

Me: "Yes, exactly, I was in Nurmberg. Now I am going to Slovenia by car, we keep in touch" (today, 1 pm)

Close. I think I will write anothee text in three days.

Please be free to comment

You are under the illusion of action. The only action you should be taking is to move on and let her come to you. You will probably ignore this advice but believe me, given your situation, this is the best for your own mental state and for your chances of reconciliation.

You are under the illusion of action. The only action you should be taking is to move on and let her come to you. You will probably ignore this advice but believe me, given your situation, this is the best for your own mental state and for your chances of reconciliation.

You were right.

Day 4 of Contact

me: "hey, I'm in this stunning place in Slovenia, with waterfalls and wild nature. It's crazy. There is an huge rain and wind like that time we went to hike a mountain near the glacier".

no answer to this.

Day 6 of Contact

me "hey, just came back to Italy. I had some adventures in this two months, like the time I met him (picture of a horse) after I missed a flight. I'll leave again on friday. What about you? I suppose you feel free after have done your exams. Are you going to reach your cousin in Netherlands or she came back because of that dirty places?"

she "Hi, I'm very happy for you, really. I have to do my last exam in two days, infact I did the opposite from you, I have just studied in these two months. Then I will leave. I hope you are well, enjoy your summer

I did not reply, should I?

It seems to me she avoid all the questions and she did not ask anything on purpose, closing with telling me "enjoy the summer" like he wanted to be sure that the conversation did not go on.