Should I message her again? Or leave her alone, possibly forever.

I was seeing a girl for 3 months. She never had a boyfriend before. But I didn't talk a lot, I was still getting comfortable around her. I didn't tell her how I felt. I didn't lead her. I didn't make her laugh that much, although she was depressed at the time. I didn't even hug her. After the 3 months she pointed out these things as to why we shouldn't see each other any more. It was giving her a lot of anxiety. I know she appreciated having me but she wanted things to progress and they never did because of me. I regret it so much and would do anything to "have her back", even though she was never officially mine.

Now, 3 months after we stopped seeing each other and messaging each other for the most part (she has only ever pretty much sent one reply to each message I initiated during these months). I recently found out she is seeing someone else. Someone she had known for years before me but never dated previously. He is quiet like me but he can actually talk to people. They seem like they have everything in common. She seems so happy now. I have the feeling they will be engaged soon. And it kills me. That could have been me. But I was too lame. I know I would do better if I had another chance.

For the last 3 months I have actually improved. A lot. I wanted a chance to show her but never got one. I also wanted to explain some things that I never got to explain. So my question is would there be any chance that they could change the way she feels? Even if she's had a boyfriend for a month or so? Or would not going to the church we both have gone to anymore and getting completely out of her life be a better choice?

Last week I messaged her telling her I was sorry for how I had been. She said it's ok and that she forgives me. When I saw her at church the next day it was so painful. I didn't even try to talk to her. I wanted to message her something like the following. These are things I never told her. I don't know if they would be important to her at all since she's move on completely:

Please do not contact her. She is in another relationship. The two of you were not a match. it had nothing to do with 'improving yourself.' you just weren't a match. She broke up with you, then she tried to keep giving you the message by responding with one word or short replies to your messages. She said she forgives you - now that is not an invite to contact her again - you have the closure you need. Why torture her by composing long note to her? It is not going to change anything. It is just going to make you look desperate and she will outwardly avoid you. You are acting like this was a 10 year relationship instead of three months.

Please do not contact her. She is in another relationship. The two of you were not a match. it had nothing to do with 'improving yourself.' you just weren't a match. She broke up with you, then she tried to keep giving you the message by responding with one word or short replies to your messages. She said she forgives you - now that is not an invite to contact her again - you have the closure you need. Why torture her by composing long note to her? It is not going to change anything. It is just going to make you look desperate and she will outwardly avoid you. You are acting like this was a 10 year relationship instead of three months.

Not short replies. The replies were good. But just one reply and if I said anything else then nothing (usually).

But to me for all she knows she is not in a relationship.

I know you're probably right, it's just that I thought maybe those two points were important to tell her.

A month and half ago she was all nice to me and even messaged me a lot that night, asking questions even. I don't know why she did that if she doesn't care at all.

How would it torture her when she doesn't care?

But to me for all she knows she is not in a relationship.

I know you're probably right, it's just that I thought maybe those two points were important to tell her.

A month and half ago she was all nice to me and even messaged me a lot that night, asking questions even. I don't know why she did that if she doesn't care at all.

How would it torture her when she doesn't care?

There are no buts.

You will probably get more responses similar to abits. Sorry you're hurting, but it would probably behoove you to move on. Why would you ever want to try and force someone to like, or be with you?

It should come naturally.

Good luck.

There are no buts.

 

You will probably get more responses similar to abits. Sorry you're hurting, but it would probably behoove you to move on. Why would you ever want to try and force someone to like, or be with you?

 

It should come naturally.

 

Good luck.

The guy's Facebook still says single.

Obviously I'm the problem. This exact same thing happens to me every time. They only like me until they learn that I'm not warming up fast enough. It's just that I like this girl enough to do anything. At the time I was stupid and was extremely cautious so I wouldn't lose her. How ironic. But I've never liked anyone so much. No one will compare. So if there was some way, at all, I would do it for her.

The guy's Facebook still says single.

So does my brothers. And he's married.

It's social media dude. Not the real world.

You'll find someone who is a better fit for you. I know it may sound cliche, but you're still young. Chances are your tastes will change. Don't despair. Just stay positive and you'll continue to better yourself. It sounds like you are already striving to do that. Keep going. You'll get through this.

So does my brothers. And he's married.

 

It's social media dude. Not the real world.

 

You'll find someone who is a better fit for you. I know it may sound cliche, but you're still young. Chances are your tastes will change. Don't despair. Just stay positive and you'll continue to better yourself. It sounds like you are already striving to do that. Keep going. You'll get through this.

I don't understand that. I would be proud to change my status if I were him. And my point is that I don't have to be expected to act like they're together if they hide it if there's only a 99% chance it's true.

And she was a perfect fit until I failed at acting like a normal person would have. I wish I could relax around people.

I'm actually not young (32). I'm afraid this same thing will happen to me if I ever try again. I don't know what's wrong but I've only like a girl this almost this strongly once before. The other was 6 years ago. Everyone else I just lost interest in after a very short time. At best I'll be 38 when I find someone else that I feel this way about.

Or 33. You never know what's around the corner.

Or 33. You never know what's around the corner.

It's just so rare. Is it normal to only feel a super strong attraction toward very few girls? Now that I look back they were very similar too. Maybe that's why it ended the same and always will.

My point was that it's Facebook, he doesn't have to say that he's "married". He's very proud of his wife without changing his status. She's cool with that and I believe she feels the same way.

He thinks it's a bit juvenile to post a status update. I agree. (Again it's just our opinion. )

"It's not official it's not on Facebook."

Stay positive. You have no idea when you're going to meet someone. Just do you. You can only control so much.

My point was that it's Facebook, he doesn't have to say that he's "married". He's very proud of his wife without changing his status. She's cool with that and I believe she feels the same way.

 

He thinks it's a bit juvenile to post a status update. I agree. (Again it's just our opinion. )

 

"It's not official it's not on Facebook."

 

Stay positive. You have no idea when you're going to meet someone. Just do you. You can only control so much.

Yeah but you can at least hide the "Single" part. That's how I always have mine set. It only takes a minute.

Thanks. It just gets so discouraging when you finally meet someone you would marry. She was worth so much more than a learning experience.

He *IS* single. They just started dating. They are not married.

And hold up = how was she your future wife after TWELVE WEEKS of DATING?

Also, you say that "the same thing happens every time" because it takes you time to warm up. Its okay to take things slow physically, but do you mean you can't maintain interesting conversations with a woman and each one breaks it off with you because they can't "read" how you feel about them and that you act unintrested? I think that you are striking out because you fall in love with women before you even date them - you talk about how you met like it was written in the stars. And when it only lasts 12 weeks you act like they divorced you and left you with 2 kids and it was so out of the blue and you deserve to unload your heart to them and just have one final thing to say. You need to treat each date like one date, and look forward to the next. And you need to go out with multiple women for coffee or ice cream or some other way to get to know them to practice - versus fixating so strongly on one woman for years until you actually go out. So moving forward, its all a learning experience. You say you don't warm up quickly - but i think its the opposite - you fall hard. I also think that you guys were not compatible or on the same wave length and your feelings are more of regret.

He *IS* single. They just started dating. They are not married.

 

And hold up = how was she your future wife after TWELVE WEEKS of DATING?

 

Also, you say that "the same thing happens every time" because it takes you time to warm up. Its okay to take things slow physically, but do you mean you can't maintain interesting conversations with a woman and each one breaks it off with you because they can't "read" how you feel about them and that you act unintrested? I think that you are striking out because you fall in love with women before you even date them - you talk about how you met like it was written in the stars. And when it only lasts 12 weeks you act like they divorced you and left you with 2 kids and it was so out of the blue and you deserve to unload your heart to them and just have one final thing to say. You need to treat each date like one date, and look forward to the next. And you need to go out with multiple women for coffee or ice cream or some other way to get to know them to practice - versus fixating so strongly on one woman for years until you actually go out. So moving forward, its all a learning experience. You say you don't warm up quickly - but i think its the opposite - you fall hard. I also think that you guys were not compatible or on the same wave length and your feelings are more of regret.

Yes. I probably have autism. I do fall too hard, but at the same time can't get comfortable talking and being myself for a long time. But I've only fallen hard twice, ever. There have been many girls that I saw where the feelings just fizzled or weren't really there that strongly to begin with so I ended things. I feel like it's almost as if I don't fall hard, it just doesn't last.

A lot of my feelings are of regret. Regret that I missed out. I really do believe I could have changed things if I had just tried harder or had become more outgoing before I met her. I was lazy too and just didn't take the initiative to get out of my shell.

Also, it was her who kinda hinted at a relationship early on but the way she said it got me confused because she isn't very confident sometimes.

You are way too attached to a girl you never dated. You also have too many expectations without having any clue if you two would have even been a compatible couple.

No, please do not contact her. She isn't interested, even though she's tried to be kind.

hi.

i, along with everyone else, think you should forget about her and move on. you're 32 and worried in case you dont meet another "the one" until you're 38. so what if you never meet another "the one". enjoy your life on your own and stop moping about this woman.

concentrate on yourself and stop thinking about her.

good luck and be happy my friend.

Put this particular woman to the side and work yourself and what happens when you are with a woman you like. Figure out why you do it and how you can correct it.

A therapist can help or look for some books so you can stop the same patterns.

Yes. I probably have autism. I do fall too hard, but at the same time can't get comfortable talking and being myself for a long time. But I've only fallen hard twice, ever. There have been many girls that I saw where the feelings just fizzled or weren't really there that strongly to begin with so I ended things. A lot of my feelings are of regret. Regret that I missed out. I really do believe I could have changed things if I had just tried harder or had become more outgoing before I met her. I was lazy too and just didn't take the initiative to get out of my shell.

Lazy and taking awhile to warm up are too different things. Lazy means you don't care enough to ask someone about their day, or to be an active listener, or to take initiative in setting up a date. As far as taking awhile to warm up, you have known her for 3 years. The warm up thing would be valid if you just met her cold - ran into her as a stranger at the coffee shop and it took a few times of seeing her to strike up a conversation.

I don't think in this case it was about working on the initial connection. A connection happens or it doesn't. I think she wasn't the right match. I have met guys and the conversation was painful, and i am with someone where the conversation just naturally flowed because we found common ground right away and there was mutual attraction (and he is normally a person that is not the best with new people). Think about it - you met her years ago and there was no strong pull to date her or for her to date you.

Anyway - also be careful with "diagnosing" yourself.

Lazy and taking awhile to warm up are too different things. Lazy means you don't care enough to ask someone about their day, or to be an active listener, or to take initiative in setting up a date. As far as taking awhile to warm up, you have known her for 3 years. The warm up thing would be valid if you just met her cold - ran into her as a stranger at the coffee shop and it took a few times of seeing her to strike up a conversation.

 

I don't think in this case it was about working on the initial connection. A connection happens or it doesn't. I think she wasn't the right match. I have met guys and the conversation was painful, and i am with someone where the conversation just naturally flowed because we found common ground right away and there was mutual attraction (and he is normally a person that is not the best with new people). Think about it - you met her years ago and there was no strong pull to date her or for her to date you.

 

Anyway - also be careful with "diagnosing" yourself.

3 years ago we only talked once. And I was attracted to her, who knows what she felt. I was just too shy to pursue anything.

We chatted online a lot and the conversations were always so great - it is definitely a problem with the way I am in person. I'm like this with everyone, even guys. I just get nervous talking.

You are way too attached to a girl you never dated. You also have too many expectations without having any clue if you two would have even been a compatible couple.

 

No, please do not contact her. She isn't interested, even though she's tried to be kind.

We didn't officially date but we went ice skating, skiing, visited some waterfalls, got coffee, went out to eat... pretty much dating. I was just too blind to realize it and thought maybe she just liked having a guy friend the same as any friend. I was ridiculous.

You have a fear of rejection? Sounds to me that this is your M.O. You dont pursue things for fear of getting hurt, THEN once you find out they liked you, you feel regret.

No one likes to be rejected. I have yet to meet someone who celebrates being rejected. Ive seen celebrations after a divorce but never a break up.. ha ha. Here is the thing, you never know unless you try. Its obvious you are comfortable talking to girls, but fear losing what you have for something more. All it takes is 30 seconds of bravery.

Now in your case, dont send a message. You had your chance and you didnt take it. She liked you and waited for you to make a move but you didnt. You cant go back and say Okay, ready to make a move on you now. What you do is learn from this and next time, make the move.

You have a fear of rejection? Sounds to me that this is your M.O. You dont pursue things for fear of getting hurt, THEN once you find out they liked you, you feel regret.

 

No one likes to be rejected. I have yet to meet someone who celebrates being rejected. Ive seen celebrations after a divorce but never a break up.. ha ha. Here is the thing, you never know unless you try. Its obvious you are comfortable talking to girls, but fear losing what you have for something more. All it takes is 30 seconds of bravery.

 

Now in your case, dont send a message. You had your chance and you didnt take it. She liked you and waited for you to make a move but you didnt. You cant go back and say Okay, ready to make a move on you now. What you do is learn from this and next time, make the move.

I know and it's so stupid. I thought I didn't want to make our friendship weird by letting her know how I felt if she turned me down. Yet, once its was too late I lost her friendship anyway. Lesson learned but I wish I had learned it sooner. Nobody ever taught me any of this stuff.

You should use this time for introspection.. sounds like you may have an attachment injury from childhood that's hurting your ability to connect. Research attachment styles and try to delve deep. The only positive from losing my gf was that it motivated me to work hard at understanding relationships and myself so I can avoid this pain in the future

You should use this time for introspection.. sounds like you may have an attachment injury from childhood that's hurting your ability to connect. Research attachment styles and try to delve deep. The only positive from losing my gf was that it motivated me to work hard at understanding relationships and myself so I can avoid this pain in the future

Probably. Thanks for the info.

Now all I'm wondering is how long it takes to get over the fact that she's with someone else. If I don't think about it for a while it randomly pops back into my head and all I can do is literally punch myself to make it go away. My heart is pounding all day and night long, I barely sleep and it's getting tiring. If it doesn't get better anytime soon I'll die or go insane.

experience is the best teacher. now you learned your lesson. If you like a girl, say something.

Probably. Thanks for the info.

 

Now all I'm wondering is how long it takes to get over the fact that she's with someone else. If I don't think about it for a while it randomly pops back into my head and all I can do is literally punch myself to make it go away. My heart is pounding all day and night long, I barely sleep and it's getting tiring. If it doesn't get better anytime soon I'll die or go insane.

But if you think about it, she is not with "someone else". She is with "someone". She barely was WITH you - you dated 12 weeks. You weren't boyfriend/girlfriend. So its not like you were together 10 years and now she is "with another man". I strongly recommend counseling to get some perspective. Relationships that only occur in one's head or are one side for the most part are something that needs to be addressed. Healing will come in time.

experience is the best teacher. now you learned your lesson. If you like a girl, say something.

That's not always best. Its best to SHOW them that you like them -- actively listen and also contribute to conversations and the like. If you make a "big confession" to them right away instead of using your actions to show your like, it might scare someone off. Affection builds a little bit in time. Saying you had a great time and would like to see them again is GOOD -- but on a second date,,,"i love you," or "i have admired you from afar for three years, and i must tell you that i am in love with you" -- no. SHOW INTEREST - yes -- but "CONFESS" -- No.