Ex not answering to my apology text

So I've posted here before about my situation and things went in a situation I don't like and quite frankly don't know about.

So after ending the 2 month NC, I've started talking to my ex again, escalated slowly but surely, dropped pleasant stuff about her past (our issue was that she didn't feel like a priority in my life, or important, so I've tried to demonstrate that by remembering details about her favorite things that were mentioned once). For the first 3 days, it went along nice, but when I asked her if we can hang out or something, she said no. I would've left it at that, but then she told me that us having small talk would be weird and talking about anything else would be weird, and she asked why would I want to meet with her. And I thought for a moment if I should answer this question or not. In the end, I answered the next day with this.

"Why would I want to meet you? To finally give you a few hours together where things would be about you. Out of respect, not guilt (I've dealt with that). To prove to you (note, prove) that your importance to me was bigger than you thought. I've tried everything I had at hand to prove this to you: that I've remembered your favorite toy as a kid, that I remembered the names of most favorite things in the world to you, that I was 100% certain you never told me a certain preference of yours. There's more where that came from, but words are cheap, showing you matters more. I can't do that now, and it is what it is. I've showed you as much as possible in the few conversations we've had since our breakup.

Being fair, if everything turned out OK and we would have a good time, I would've asked to see you again. Whether or not you accepted to do that, I would've been at least grateful that I could offer you the respect and attention you deserved.

You didn't felt the woman in my life, you didn't felt a priority, you didn't felt like you're number 1. And you were right. I was too busy tending to MY needs in the relationship. It was very hard to admit this to myself, Mi-a fost foarte greu sa-mi recunosc chiar mie insumi asta, and I've been grossed out by this, but it is the truth.

When we were together, remember when you told me you didn't know we had a psychologist at work and I told you I should go to the psychologist? Well, I've been going there ofr 2 months. When I told you this then, back in my mind something told me that if I continue to do the things I've done up until now, it wouldn't work out between us. And I wanted to prevent and fix my stuff before this could happen. But little did I know, it was too late. Nevertheless, I still went. That's how important you were to me, but I couldn't show it. I was too busy tending to my past wounds rather than showing you 100% the importance you deserved. I was too busy protecting myself from irrational fears rather than protecting you or making you feel safe with me. I was so busy being sure I will not repeat the past that I've actually repeated it. I didn't allow myself to show you how much you meant to me because of my issues of generally feeling unlovable or undeserving of love. And in a twisted kind of way, secretly I was looking to confirm thiseven though it's complete fiction. I've been so busy with the thought that nobody would love such an imperfect man like myself and I hated myself for it, without realising that actually there is no such thing as perfect and everyone...well, they are how they are and that does not make them imperfect. And I was too busy hiding all this from you, because I couldn't bare the thought of you seeing all this, although again, it was pure fiction in my head.

This is what I wanted to get rid of when I told you I should visit the psychologist, although at that time I didn't know exactly what I should fix. When I told you that you make me want to be a better man for me, for you, for us, I was telling the truth.

That's it, in a nutshell. Something like this would've gone down on the second date.

I've learned my lesson the very hard way and I know everything will be OK between us . If you also see this, then great, we could wipe the slate clean and start over again. If not, then great too."

It's been 10 days since I've yet to receive any reply and have not contacted her since. And this kills me on the inside and I feel conflicted. On one hand, if she really wanted to say no to this, she would have flat out said it as soon as she read the entire thing. On the other hand, I feel that she will not answer this at all, it's been too long a time to leave this unanswered. I'm moving on with my life, still having hope that she will. And I find myself often having conflicting thoughts (though as of late the conflictual nature died down). At times I feel she just needs more time and space, at times I feel victimized in the thought that I need at least an answer, if not reconciliation. I'm also aware that she might not forgive or reconcile, she might also forgive but not reconcile and that she might also consider both. But as entitled as I feel to this, I'm very well aware that it is also wrong for me to have such expectations, because this is how life goes: sometimes you get closure, sometimes you don't. And this form of entitlement is kinda child-like, if not out-right wrong. Right now, I don't know squat for certain, so I'll just stop assuming stuff and move on.

Although scared if reconciliation ever happens, I do believe every word I said to be true and that I'm genuinely sorry for what I did. At the same time, I'm starting to 100% accept the situation as it is and move on with my life. I know what I've said was the right thing and I know deep down in my heart that it would've been OK. But how things are now is beyond my control. I've done all I can, took every opportunity I had at hand. If she doesn't see this...then it's out of my hands.

Any thoughts you guys might have would be deeply appreciated.

If you also see this, then great, we could wipe the slate clean and start over again. If not, then great too.

Sorry you're hurting, but until you mean the second sentence in this quote, you shouldn't be contacting your ex. This demonstrates so very clearly why you should maintain your NC.

To be honest, I wouldn't have replied to a message like this either. It states how you realise that she took second place in your life and how you want to remedy that... followed by a lengthy, introspective paragraph all about YOU. It also comes over as very manipulative and, yes, entitled.

She owes you nothing, and until you accept that this is the case it will be very difficult for you to move on.

Yeah, there's an awful lot of "I" in that long, long message.

She may feel overwhelmed. I would. That's just so, so much writing. Too much.

Yeah, there's an awful lot of "I" in that long, long message.

Yes, I admit that there were a lot of I's and I'm working on being more thoughtful, considerate and others-centered instead of self-centered. It's a slow and very uncomfortable process, but it's happening.

a lengthy, introspective paragraph all about YOU.

To which I owned my mistakes (as opposed to how I defended myself during the fight that led us to break up) and exposed myself as treating her badly because of this and my deepest darkest fears regarding her, stuff I wouldn't have admitted to myself. I fail to see how that was manipulative.

I did admit that I felt entitled to a response from her, because I thought it's the humane thing to do, but I felt bad about it as well, that was what I was trying to convey. Yes, you are right in the fact that she does not have to answer me because she doesn't owe me a thing. It is her right to feel what she feels (God knows what) and it is also her right to reply or not. I can't hold it against her, even if my entire being screams for this.

That was an apology? There's a lot going on in that letter. It doesn't seem like she is interested in meeting up. I would let this one go and continue to the self-work.

That was an apology? There's a lot going on in that letter. It doesn't seem like she is interested in meeting up. I would let this one go and continue to the self-work.

To be fair, I did apologize to her twice for hurting her right before the break-up, with stuff like "i wasn't considerate and I was an a-hole". And those apologies still stand.

Yeah, there's an awful lot of "I" in that long, long message.

 

She may feel overwhelmed. I would. That's just so, so much writing. Too much.

Yes, I do admit that there are lots of I's in what I wrote and that it is indeed too much to take in. That was the best I could do.

Is she seeing anyone else, that you know of?

until you mean the second sentence in this quote, you shouldn't be contacting your ex. This demonstrates so very clearly why you should maintain your NC.

Yes, this is the intention, as hard as it is, like an itch needed to be scratched.

comes over as very manipulative and, yes, entitled.

Yes it would be true that it sounds manipulative, if not for two things: 1) I have expressed my intent very clearly, so I had no ulterior motive to do anything else other than what has already been stated 2) The part where I told her how I went to the psychologist because she was that important to me fits the manipulative description, if not for the fact that this was genuinely what was going on in my head, nothing more, nothing less.

She owes you nothing, and until you accept that this is the case it will be very difficult for you to move on.

Yeah, and this is the hard thing to accept. On one hand, even a simple "no" would have accomplished something, it would have been humane, at least. But, sometimes one gets closure, sometimes one doesn't. As difficult and gut-wrenching as it is to accept this, things are how they are and one can't change the past and accept it how it unfolded.

you realise that she took second place in your life and how you want to remedy that... followed by a lengthy, introspective paragraph all about YOU.

Yes, by acknowledging my mistakes and exposing myself as someone who knows what had done wrong and has apologized for hurting her before the break-up (like i have stated in a previous post) and a person who knows this sort of thing would never happen. At least that is how I see it.

Is she seeing anyone else, that you know of?

I don't know for sure.

Perhaps she's met someone else, and knows that keeping in touch with you when you clearly want her back isn't appropriate.

In any event, her silence tells you what you need to know.

To be fair, I did apologize to her twice for hurting her right before the break-up, with stuff like "i wasn't considerate and I was an a-hole". And those apologies still stand.

That's nice that you apologized but did you do so for something in return?

An apology is just that. It's often rhetorical with no strings attached.

You are here wondering why you haven't heard from her. Was a reaction or a response your motive?

Because if it was or even partly was, that's not what the spirit of an apology is about.

Well, when I apologized, we were still together and fighting about this. I don't know if this counts or not, but then it was just that, an apology for being inconsiderate and selfish, but deep down I wanted to be forgiven, move past this fight (because I thought it was just that, a fight) and carry on with our relationship. That is all. But I did feel truly sorry for all and apologized for it like that.

Making an apology in the hope of changing her mind about carrying on the relationship, sorry, is manipulative. A genuine apology has no hopes or conditions attached. A genuine baring of the soul in the hope that it will produce a certain response in another person, again, is manipulative - and likely to lead to disappointment as you have seen.

In situations such as this, I try to sniff out the intention.

Does the apology come from a place of genuine remorse and understanding for my feelings.

Or is it an attempt to ease their own discomfort.

Though you did address her feelings, I think for the most part the later applies here.

I probably wouldn't respond either.

Sorry.

I hate to admit it, but yes, the latter part applies.

I feel so bad right now. I feel like I'm such a terrible human being. And I genuinely don't know what to do about this. I feel so conflicted. How could I still only think of myself when I know I have done wrong in similar manners once before?? And the fact that I know I was fearfully selfish in another separate relationship??? And once more, though it was really long ago and don't remember much, but i'm fairly certain that that was also the cause, though not as pronounced. How could I not learn from my mistakes? Guess I was that blind and arrogant and weak to believe that everybody is to blame but me, that I'm the center of the universe and all that, when in fact I was so small. I feel like all my 30 years were for nothing. That I didn't learn anything, just cheated my way through life, love and work. Guess I've been too desperate to find love because secretly I didn't love myself. Guess I was too desperate for a savior, somebody that would put me together and that I would put together. But I looked more at me than at her.

And on the other hand, I know things will go in the direction of my dreams some day. I hope that what I'm going through cognitive therapy really makes a difference in me, the difference I so desperately wanted since I was 20. Making the most out of myself. And hopefully someday, give the woman beside me much needed true love, affection, care and support. The irony is, to stop being self absorbed, to stop thinking of myself when it comes to others, I have to take care of myself and focus on myself. But in a healthy way. Funny how life goes. Painful lesson, but still funny how life goes. In order to appreciate genuine happiness, one must also appreciate pain, go through it and accept it as part of life. Guess that's how life goes, if you want to make the most out of yourself.

I hate to admit it, but yes, the latter part applies.

 

I feel so bad right now. I feel like I'm such a terrible human being. And I genuinely don't know what to do about this. I feel so conflicted. How could I still only think of myself when I know I have done wrong in similar manners once before?? And the fact that I know I was fearfully selfish in another separate relationship??? And once more, though it was really long ago and don't remember much, but i'm fairly certain that that was also the cause, though not as pronounced. How could I not learn from my mistakes? Guess I was that blind and arrogant and weak to believe that everybody is to blame but me, that I'm the center of the universe and all that, when in fact I was so small. I feel like all my 30 years were for nothing. That I didn't learn anything, just cheated my way through life, love and work. Guess I've been too desperate to find love because secretly I didn't love myself. Guess I was too desperate for a savior, somebody that would put me together and that I would put together. But I looked more at me than at her.

 

And on the other hand, I know things will go in the direction of my dreams some day. I hope that what I'm going through cognitive therapy really makes a difference in me, the difference I so desperately wanted since I was 20. Making the most out of myself. And hopefully someday, give the woman beside me much needed true love, affection, care and support. The irony is, to stop being self absorbed, to stop thinking of myself when it comes to others, I have to take care of myself and focus on myself. But in a healthy way. Funny how life goes. Painful lesson, but still funny how life goes. In order to appreciate genuine happiness, one must also appreciate pain, go through it and accept it as part of life. Guess that's how life goes, if you want to make the most out of yourself.

The good news here is you are way ahead of the curve already.

Not many can be that insightful and take responsibility so quickly.

The best lessons are often the most painful.

Though you can't change the past, you can work on doing things differently in the future.

Good luck

Thank you so much, reinventmyself.

Well, the insight didn't came that quickly, it was brewing inside me for about 2 months or so. But it did came, through keeping a diary and the psychologist and I'm grateful for it. At the moment I feel like there were too much "what-could-have-been's" and quite frankly I'm also sick and tired of that. Yet I don't know what I want now, to have fun and enjoy life or to find love? Maybe it's a bit of both. But first I must find love in myself. And that's gonna take a while. Not too much, I hope.

Just a quick little note.

It's still hard to comprehend what has been going on with me for the past 2 months. It is also hard to comprehend that I could do all this and that I did it with my own hand I held my hopes up until I talked to you guys today that somehow, in some way, by some miracle, she would answer. Somehow, in some way, by some miracle in the future, I hope and wish we would reconcile. I don't know if it's truly me who's talking or it's the "she got away, so I must have her back" me that's doing the talking. Most likely the latter. Yet somehow, I feel relieved. I feel relieved that all this is over. The waiting, the hoping, everything.

Right now, I'm just curious what the future will bring.