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Changed his mind after finding out I was a virgin


blueowl32

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I have been going on dates with this guy for a few times.

We were on a car ride and things get quite heated and he invited me to his place for fun. I said OK. He found out I was a virgin before we reached home. He decided to drop me off and not have me over instead.

 

I was pissed.

It was late and he had an early morning. But he explained as me being a virgin, he did not want to do anything which I would regret (sounds so considerate!)

 

After this we have been texting - he apologised, but said it was the right decision etc and apparently I sounded pissed obviously.

He said I deserve better - a guy who I have known longer and who is looking for a long term relationship

 

This guy appears to be quite into me (not sure if just for the sex) and care about me. But he might be leaving in 2 months so he doesn't want serious (said him). Or I am just making it sound better for myself...

 

Does this mean he is just not into me and not give a ?

All he wants is only fun then? And since I am a virgin, he reckon that would be too much moral hangover/ pressure/ responsibility? So I am not even fitted to have fun with him, let alone a gf?

 

Sad...

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He did do the right thing, OP.

 

He told you he wants fun, and not something serious. Taking someone's virginity can indeed be a big deal to some, and he knows he's not the guy to do so. He wouldn't feel right having some fun, maybe having sex and then not pursuing something more afterwards. Think of how you'd have felt: you have sex with someone for the first time, and then he still doesn't bother taking it to the next level. Would you really have been fine with that?

 

I understand you are hurt but you also have just found out that he's not on the same page as you, in terms of what you both wanted out of this. It is truly better to part ways here.

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He did do the right thing, OP.

 

He told you he wants fun, and not something serious. Taking someone's virginity can indeed be a big deal to some, and he knows he's not the guy to do so. He wouldn't feel right having some fun, maybe having sex and then not pursuing something more afterwards. Think of how you'd have felt: you have sex with someone for the first time, and then he still doesn't bother taking it to the next level. Would you really have been fine with that?

 

I understand you are hurt but you also have just found out that he's not on the same page as you, in terms of what you both wanted out of this. It is truly better to part ways here.

 

If he liked me truly though, he would want to pursue something further, even though he knows he will be leaving in a few months, wouldn't he?

He sounds like I should look for someone else once he found out I was a virgin. Why is he making this decision for me? What if I want fun too?

I am pissed, and sad.

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If he liked me truly though, he would want to pursue something further, even though he knows he will be leaving in a few months, wouldn't he?

 

That's what I meant.

 

Evidently, he doesn't have those strong feelings for you. That's why I maintain he did the right thing, as he likely sensed you were hoping for more.

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That's what I meant.

 

Evidently, he doesn't have those strong feelings for you. That's why I maintain he did the right thing, as he likely sensed you were hoping for more.

 

we have met a couple of times. does strong feelings happen immediately or take time to grow?

I actually don't have that strong feelings for him either. It's more about my ego bruising.

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Did you think having sex with him would make him change his mind about a relationship?

He said he's grown to like a girl he hooked up with before. So he might develop strong feelings for me after sex...

But it's not about this. I am not even sure I absolutely want something serious, long-term with him.

It's to do with the fact that he decided to not take me home and seems to not want anything more to do with me once he found out I was a virgin. This is both like a rejection and humiliating. It's like him blatantly rejecting me for the idea of anything more serious and long term. It's like he can't even entertain the idea of something more serious with me that he had to turn me down last minute, when I said OK to going to his place for fun.

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we have met a couple of times. does strong feelings happen immediately or take time to grow?

I actually don't have that strong feelings for him either. It's more about my ego bruising.

 

It takes time. But allow me to phrase it this way: he doesn't have a strong enough interest to take this further.

 

You ask what if you just wanted to have fun too - so is that what you want, then? You weren't looking for something more with him?

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I have no idea.

 

Where do you meet men? What type of impression do you feel you give off? (ie. confident, needy, secure, hesitant)

 

I meet a lot of the men I date online - tinder etc. Occasionally in clubs, a few at school.

This guy is from tinder..

 

With him I gave off a secure vibe. He kept calling me fit and thinks I am pretty and sweet.

But it seems I am not his type.

 

I want to have fun and explore the option of something more, if things go well.

He doesn't seem to want to have fun with me once he found out I was a virgin....

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If you just want a hook up, don't worry. You can have plenty of opportunities.

 

He did the right thing by the way. The rejection part is what gets you upset.

 

 

Plenty of opportunities with him or not with him?

I don't just want to hook up with anyone though.....

 

I want him to at least entertain the idea of more with me..

why does he have to reject me? Because I aint attractive enough? Or is it genuinely because he has to leave in two months?

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If you are looking for serious prospects, Tinder and clubs are usually not the way to go. Keep in mind people on Tinder are often talking to other potential hook-ups as well.

 

He is old enough to know that taking someone's virginity often has an emotional implication afterwards. He knows he isn't the guy to give your virginity to, so he's smart to walk away. He's leaving anyway and this almost certainly wouldn't have gone well for you if you'd slept with him. He wanted simple, no-strings sex, it seems. Someone who's never had sex isn't likely to be able to keep it to just sex.

 

It's his prerogative to walk away. He wouldn't have been the right for you to have your first sexual encounter with.

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Plenty of opportunities with him or not with him?

I don't just want to hook up with anyone though.....

 

I want him to at least entertain the idea of more with me..

why does he have to reject me? Because I aint attractive enough? Or is it genuinely because he has to leave in two months?

 

He rejected you because you want something more and he doesn't. You wanting him to entertain the idea of more with you is wanting more! He wants NSA.

 

You're virginity is a big enough deal to you if it's something you brought up to him. It sounds like he's just looking for some sex and fun before he leaves. He clued in you're wanting more, so he called it off instead of taking advantage of your attraction towards him.

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Yep - he did the decent thing. There are guys around who would have taken your virginity as an ego boost for themselves, had the 'fun' and then left in a couple of months time, just like this guy said he would. And you would have found it devastating emotionally.

 

He didn't.

 

He was completely honest about his intentions and didn't string you along. Reading between the lines of what you're saying, he was also correct when he said that you

deserve better - a guy who I have known longer and who is looking for a long term relationship

 

This may not be what you want to hear right now, but I'd be willing to bet that you'll look back on all this and realise that he was right!

 

If you DO want someone who'll be with you in a meaningful sense, and not just interested in no-strings-attached sex, then don't carry on dating people on hook-up sites or clubs. Think about it... if you were LOOKING for players, where would you look?

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I think that you are taking something personally that is not at all personal.

 

You are feeling like he didn't want to be with YOU because you are a virgin.

 

He is telling you that he already knows he doesn't want anything more because he is going away. Yes... that is a thing. Maybe he wants to be "free" while he is away. Even if that's not the real reason (Maybe he prefers blondes to brunettes or he wants something serious with an avid fisherman or whatever million-and-one reasons there may be) - he knows that you will want to "explore" more and he's already telling you that there is no more.

 

He absolutely did the right thing.

 

I know you feel frustrated that you can't seem to find the right guy - and I get that this can be extremely frustrating - but this is not the right guy. At least he told you before breaking your heart even further.

 

There are plenty of guys out there. On to the next! You are better to find someone who is already looking for a relationship since it seems this is what you want. It will be a lot less painful.

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Before I met him in person I asked what he was looking for, he said he wants to start as friends first.

After our second date he said he probably is not looking for anything serious, since he will be moving away soon.

Correct me if I am wrong, but if when he met me he found me super hot, super lovely, super compatible, he would have changed his mind and decide to entertain the idea of more, and want to be exclusive with me, wouldn't he?

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Trying to decipher this message Blueowl.

 

"but if when he met me he found me super hot, super lovely, super compatible, he would have changed his mind and decide to entertain the idea of more, and want to be exclusive with me, wouldn't he?"

 

Are you thinking you are none of these things....and that is why? The other posters are giving you good feedback and advice.

 

and this:

 

"Why does it seem impossible to find someone who has strong feelings for me every time I date?

Why?"

 

A person does not have strong feelings, as you call them, on a first date or maybe not even on subsequent dates. It is how it is. The falling in love with fireworks blazing all round is just a myth.

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Before I met him in person I asked what he was looking for, he said he wants to start as friends first.

After our second date he said he probably is not looking for anything serious, since he will be moving away soon.

Correct me if I am wrong, but if when he met me he found me super hot, super lovely, super compatible, he would have changed his mind and decide to entertain the idea of more, and want to be exclusive with me, wouldn't he?

So you actually want something serious... because you hinted that you didn't.

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Before I met him in person I asked what he was looking for, he said he wants to start as friends first.

After our second date he said he probably is not looking for anything serious, since he will be moving away soon.

Correct me if I am wrong, but if when he met me he found me super hot, super lovely, super compatible, he would have changed his mind and decide to entertain the idea of more, and want to be exclusive with me, wouldn't he?

 

If he wanted to be exclusive and have a long distance relationship with you, he'd have said so. He stated his case quite clearly. It sounds like he wasn't looking for a long term relationship with ANYONE, which is a responsible thing to do if he doesn't want a long distance relationship (and a lot of people don't!) It takes a fair amount of time to find out if someone's super compatible - a lot more than a few dates - and this wasn't something that he was prepared to do as he was moving away in a couple of months. Again, he was completely open about this, and was a statement of where HE was coming from, and not about you.

 

It sounds as though you are determined to feel insulted and personally rejected over this when it really doesn't appear to be the case. It's perfectly understandable that you'd want a relationship with someone who thought you were adorable, wanted you as their girlfriend and was looking to the longer term - and there's nothing wrong with looking for someone who will give you this. It's just that you're not going to get it from someone who's just looking for short-term 'fun' or uses hookup sites.

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Trying to decipher this message Blueowl.

 

"but if when he met me he found me super hot, super lovely, super compatible, he would have changed his mind and decide to entertain the idea of more, and want to be exclusive with me, wouldn't he?"

 

Are you thinking you are none of these things....and that is why? The other posters are giving you good feedback and advice.

 

and this:

 

"Why does it seem impossible to find someone who has strong feelings for me every time I date?

Why?"

 

A person does not have strong feelings, as you call them, on a first date or maybe not even on subsequent dates. It is how it is. The falling in love with fireworks blazing all round is just a myth.

If I am a 10/10 and amazing, he wouldn't be so hesitant about entertaining the idea of something more, would he?

He said he didn't wanna sleep with me that night because he cares about me and did not want me to regret anything...

But if I were a 10/10, he might have thought otherwise?

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If I am a 10/10 and amazing, he wouldn't be so hesitant about entertaining the idea of something more, would he?

He said he didn't wanna sleep with me that night because he cares about me and did not want me to regret anything...

But if I were a 10/10, he might have thought otherwise?

 

Not necessarily.

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