So a thing may happen, I'm not sure

So last August my ex and I broke up. It was her decision but I agreed to it because I didn't want to fight with her, I was scared that fighting for the relationship would turn into that and I didn't want to leave on a bad note plus I believe she will choose what is right for her. Anyways, we stopped talking for a while and I unfriended on FB just so I wasn't tempted to keep looking. Between Sept. and December there was no contact. I found out that she was in a new relationship in November and it lasted a month. At the end of Dec. I wrote a letter saying hoping things were well. A few days later we texted happy new years and about the new Sherlock. Over the course from Jan. to Feb. I tried texting a few more times but never got anything back. Now I'm just trying to be friends so in May I asked her to coffee but she said she was travelling to Alaska and was going to be gone for a month. We had a conversation and it was basically me asking her questions. I felt that it was one sided so I questioned her about if she actually had the intention of being friends. She replied yes she did but that she was still trying to move on. I told her I understood and didn't know she was still trying to move on. Found it strange that she was the one that broke up because she didn't have deeper feelings yet still trying to move on. Anyways a month passed and I was texting her and she told me she was back here at home. So I waited and asked her to coffee again. She asked what my schedule was like but she was busy and I asked again the next week. We finally had coffee yesterday. Fun fact, we dated 10 months to the day and we met for coffee 10 months to the day since the break up, ha. I was nervous, which I suppose is normal, never tried to be friends with an ex but I see value in having her in my life. I did a good job at hiding the nervousness.

We chatted for a bit, I thought maybe 30 mins to hour we would meet but it lasted an hour and a half. We talked about what we've been up to since breaking up, jobs, school, pets, her family, and talked about getting places of our own. We have the same thoughts on what we would like to get if getting a house. I went to the restroom came back and as I was sitting back down she was snapchatting some guy, she rarely uses snapchat but lately she has been using it more. We didn't talk about the past relationship nor breaking up. I don't know how first meetings go with an ex but it felt okay good I guess. As I walked her to her car she mentioned meeting again. Saying goodbye I went to shake her hand and she said I'll give you a hug, it was a one arm side hug. So I don't know how awkward or nervous she felt about it but I sent a text later that evening saying thanks for meeting, it was good seeing you, and I had a good time. Hasn't sent anything back.

My question is, does it sound like the coffee went well? When should I ask again, two three week, maybe a month? Does it sound like she has finally moved on and ready to be friends or is she thinking she may want to try again? Would I date her again? Sure but right now I can't because I have to get some things about myself straighten out first.

Benefits of staying friends with an ex? I can't think of any. For one thing, a potential gf might not want to invest in a guy who gets together with an ex, especially one where he would have preferred staying together. And if you did become friends, when she gets a bf, do you really think he would want her hanging out with an ex who wished he'd never been dumped? You will be put on the back burner, and even more likely, deleted from her life once again and, heartbroken.

How about holding out for the girl who will be so crazy about you that she will never let you go--not even once?

If the reason she broke up with you is because you treated her poorly, then work on yourself and when you're ready, start with someone new where there won't be smelly baggage stinking up the relationship.

Go no contact. Only then will you have closure and be able to emotionally give to someone who deserves you. You can't open the front door when your foot is stuck in the back door.

Preferred not breaking up or wished not to be dumped? Sure but these things happen. I've let go of that and that relationship is done. As far as potential gf, I would be honest and explain what my ex means to me as a person but respect her if she may be uncomfortable me meeting with a friend who is an ex. If she has a bf who has the same thoughts then thats between them and I would have to go with whatever decision is made by them.

Didn't treat her poorly but rather I didn't rise to my full potential and stopped trying to after a bit. I got stagnant in life and stalled in bettering myself. Still working on that, hence why I can't date her nor anyone at the moment.

Done no contact. Not looking for closure.

Do as you will, I don't want to say you should not be friends. However, your pursuit of being friends is likely being interpreted as a gentle method to try anf get back together. And possibly it's rightfully so she thinks it. Regardless, by your story, it sounds like she has been very hesitant to meet up and finally said yes because you keep asking. If you think about it, do you have other friends you have to continually pursue for a coffee? Likely not.

I'm not trying to be mean. I want you to heal quickly, so I'm going to say this. Your attempts to be "friends" is placing you in a permanent friend zone. At this pace you will never be seen in more of a light than that. She hasn't had much of a chance to wonder about you because she hasn't had enough time away from you. She's uninterested in being friends, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. To know if I'm wrong about that, then go dark on her, permanently, until she reaches out to you. If she does in a short amount of time, I could be wrong. But if not, she's distant because everything you are doing is being interpreted as you trying to fix what was.

Please stay away from her. You are hurting yourself. No contact is so you can stop the processing in time. The more you stay in touch, and the more you learn about her, the longer you will process the breakup. There are neurological patterns you have built that you need to break down so your mind quits thinking about her. And once you do that, and find someone you are falling for, all your past feelings for her will flush away almost instantly. And when they do, you'll wish you hadn't spent so much time thinking about her.

Good luck with whatever path forward you choose...

OP, I too am in a situation in which my ex didn't think his feelings were strong enough and so broke things off, which led to a major fight about a week later. We did have a period of No Contact for about three weeks (if you can call three weeks an acceptable period lol) and anywhere from steady contact to very little contact after that. It's been about four months. Anyhow, we just had our first solo meeting since the breakup last week so I have a bit of comparison to go off.

Your ex does sound like she might have some residual feelings for you, but that's not enough to foster a second try. The fact that you had to work so hard to get her attention in the first place isn't a great sign. An unanswered letter, multiple one-sided text conversations, Snapchatting another guy while she was at lunch with you...it doesn't seem like she's really all that into you. Even when I'm at dinner with an acquaintance, I don't spend my meal snapping and texting. Also, her saying that she'd like to see you again, giving you an awkward hug, and then not answering your text message just reads like a bad sign.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake. It might be worth your while to go out on some dates with other women since she apparently is.

Be really honest with yourself about why you're trying to remain friends with her. It's clear you haven't fully moved on, and you're still analysing her behaviour for signs of interest even though consciously you are able to say that you wouldn't try and be in a relationship with her. Looking at your actions and thought patterns though, it appears that there's a bit more than this going on below the surface.

To put things in perspective, for the first year and a half after I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, although it was my decision and I didn't really love him anymore, I kept wondering if he cared about me and missed me. At about the two year mark, I completely stopped caring to the point where I don't think about those things anymore and whenever I remember him it's a shallow process - I couldn't care less what is going on in his life, honestly. I wouldn't want to be friends with him either, because it's awkward with someone you were once in love with. That's the point you want to be getting to, and staying in contact with someone on the pretence of being friends is just delaying you moving on and properly getting over her. The only reason you'd choose to do this is because you're not ready to let her go completely - what's the hold up?

I can see you trying to connect dots and see if she fits into your future (e.g. "we have the same thoughts on what we would like to get if getting a house") but I have to be blunt with you - she's not thinking about a future with you. She wants someone else, and you should too. I know that is kind of hard to accept, but when you do it will free you from your thoughts about her and allow you to make the most of life.

I would keep in touch with her via occasional text only and vow not to meet her in person again (she probably only mentioned it out of politeness anyway). Give yourself the space you need to heal completely so that you can work on yourself independently and find someone new in the future.

Snapchatting the guy happened while I went to the restroom but she didn't bring out her phone before or after that but her snapchatting someone is none of my business. As far as the text well she may have been busy or forgot to reply later which I do that too. I have been going out just haven't gone out with someone I wanted to go on a second date with. I have that feeling too that she is wanting to date around which is okay she is single and I won't say anything to about it. Right now I'm not going to text her for a while to give time for things to sink in. She is like me a private person and hard time communicating feelings. Honestly I think we broke up because she actually started to feel deeper feelings and it scared her. But thats what I get from my gut.

Hey James great advice. I've been no contact almost 4 months, 6 months since the break up. I agree no contact really

Does help in moving on, but for some reason I still think of her daily and the thought usually just passes. Sometimes I just miss being with her and the feeling of having someone to talk to all the time. I have been doing better and dating has definitely helped. It is strange that I still think about her daily? Its not obessive but I just wonder if that day will ever come when I wake up and not feel a thing?

When I went through a divorce I thought of my ex for a year and then I met my girlfriend. Thoughts of my ex were almost dissipated the first time my new girlfriend and I had sex. Went a year and a half with my girlfriend and she moved on. Thought about her for almost 3 years. Daily. ALMOST 3 YEARS. DAILY. Was the worst hang-up I couldn't shake. Worse than my ex-wife. My issue was I let my new girlfriend treat me the same way my ex did and had I handled it differently, I would probably still be with her. But eh, sh*t happens, it was my bad. Regardless, because I wasn't dating and figured I was happier alone, I had nothing else to focus on. Then I met my current girlfriend. I call her my girlfriend, but this time we are both on the other side of stupid in relationships, so we are openly off and on with each other. Thoughts of the ex-girlfriend are FINALLY gone. The other day, my best friend ran into the ex. This is now over 4 years since the breakup. After living together and taking her all over the country, the most she could muster up was, "How's James? He's a really great guy". 4 years of absolutely no contact, and I'm a really great guy. That's it. And you know what? Now that I've been with someone else, I really don't care. If that's all I mean to her, so be it. I'll stay as a really great guy. Not a guy she really cared for and wished it worked out. Not a guy she has a lot of fun memories with. Not a guy she hopes other guys treat her like. I'm just a really great guy. And I'm happy to stay that way and never make contact again.

No contact my man. Nothing. No checking on her in social media, no checking her LinkedIn, no looking at past pictures, N O T H I N G. It helps because your brain will tire of the only story it has. It's like reading a great book over and over and over. Eventually it's no longer a great book. It's a boring tedious book. But if you look, call, check, ask, wonder, drive around, google, find, then you add a chapter that you have to read again, and again, and again. No contact can help you avoid all of that.

Again, good luck with everything. We've all been where you are. You have a lot of friends here, and a lot of similar stories to read and relate to.

Honestly I think we broke up because she actually started to feel deeper feelings and it scared her. But thats what I get from my gut.

I don't think this is a real phenomenon. I hear people making this excuse for breakups all the time. I just don't think "being scared of feelings" is a real thing. If you have strong feelings for someone why would you risk losing them forever?

You're clearly not over this girl and are deluding yourself into thinking you just want to be friends. I think she met up with you just to stop you from constantly asking her to meet.

You should go NC and start the healing process. What you're doing now is not healthy. And honestly your chances of having a lasting relationship while being friends with an ex is pretty low.

I don't think she is interested in anything more, OP.

I'm sorry. This is not how interested women act; we would have sent a stronger signal to the guy.