Getting back with "bae"

Hi guys,

I am trying so hard to get back with my ex-girlfriend. So a little background here is I went to high school with her for 4 years and then in university first year I started to become attracted to her and as time progressed the attraction grew. I always talked to her through the four years of university and then finally in third year of university I told her I liked her, she took it as a joke at first but then she actually asked again to make sure I wasn't joking which I wasn't. So from there on we began to hang out and inevitably I ask her to be my girlfriend after a couples months of trying to ask her but not having the kahunas to ask and one courageous night I ask her out and she gladly says yes.

So fast forward a to now, we got into a lot of arguments about me making time out of my schedule or putting in effort (an aside I kept my relationship really secretive from others and making sure it wasn't public). We continued to have these fights are arguments and she was constantly disappointed which i knew and i dealt with it or attempted to for a little bit then it would just slip away. One night the tension and argument built up and she ended up breaking up with me over text (usually we have any issues we deal with them face to face and squash the issue). We always did and i say i would change it and ill do it in all reality i said i would do it but i didnt provide any results. Then after she broke up I assumed the typical douche bag type of guy that a couple weeks later she will come back...but NOPE! Then a couple weeks go by and she told me she got tinder, that now upsetted me a lot and i became an utter and a month goes by and I tell her the reason behind me being an to her because she got tinder. So at this point in time 6-7 weeks go by. She tells me that if i made an effort right from after she dumped me then chances would be greater but not so much now is what she said. Then for about 2-3 weeks we talk and I continuously ask about the relationship where she stands, and she tells me if she sees consistent change that she will most definitely considerate, and i begin to give her results and doing small things like visit her at work with a coffee. Then things get heaty because at this point in time I want this back so bad and keep pushing it and we end up going on a break for a month, so a period of no contact for 30 days. She comes back from her trip and messages me out of panic because something happened school related for her. I talk to her and we talk and comfort her. At this point I have realized reflected on what I did wrong in the relationship and begin to fix it 2-3 months after she dumped me and dressed up for dinner and took her to a super nice place for the first time and then keep doing little things like sending roses to her work, baking her a cake, sending good morning messages. At this point its been 3 months since we have been broken up and I ask her about getting back into a relationship she tells me "its a process" and "I want it to happen naturally" and then i've been doing things and working my ass off for her and im getting frustrated because the answer I get from her when she tells me her thoughts on a relationship are "IDK (I dont know)." She opens up one night telling me that its easy for her to cut people off and then she tells me i love you but not the same way. So this goes on for a little whiles. Then we go on our second break and I message her in the middle of the night three weeks into it talking about the relationship and how im trying to change things and actually make an effort. She tells me where was the effort in the relationship during the year and a half. Then begins to tell me she sees me in a different way where before I was the reason she laughed and made jokes with and was happy but then she tells me now i don't see you the same way i gave you many chances in the relationship you blew them off and why are you putting effort into the relationship four months after. She's like im happy where i am at and you dont accept the answer im giving you.

I need to with my girl back I miss her so much and I just want to prove my worth to her

For future reference, break your huge wall of text down into smaller paragraphs.

What was the cause of the break up to begin with? You both sound very young and immature. By context, it sounds like you're wasting your time, she's stringing you along and soaking up the attention you're giving her, using you like a doormat while she's off doing who knows what and who. She just recently told you she no longer sees you as a romantic option anymore, therefore, you are wasting your time. It's over, time to move on and foster up some self-respect and find someone who respects you and sees you as a romantic option.

Honestly, I see this being a one sided relationship right now, you want to get back together but she doesn't want to, chances are she's probably found someone else who's better at this kind of thing than you, so she wants to (seemingly) quickly cut ties as fast as possible in a polite way

Your options are pretty limited, I want you to think about this, would it be better for you to move on and find someone new instead of chasing someone like her who's already over you?

Would you keep trying to make that same spark that got both of you together?

It's up to you really, I'd personally say you start fresh, there's nothing you can do to fix something that is broken rather than starting fresh with someone new

Use what you learned from this situation to optimize your chances of loss again

1. Arguments (People don't like arguing with someone they are attracted to, especially new and freshly got together couples)

2.Needs (all couples love teasing each other and love talk each other, it isn't necessary but still keeps the relationship strong between each other and shows that both of you deeply care for each other, in fact if none of this seems your thing, just showing that you care for that person can spark tremendous amount of strengthening the bond)

I know this will be hard to hear, but you need to let this girl go.

She's using you as an emotional blanket.

Tell her you're going NC to heal and focus on yourself and that you will always care for her, but this isn't working out for you.

It will be hard, but it's what best for you.

Just for a future note...

"Bae" means "S**t" in one of the languages I speak. I'm not even sure why this slang is a thing

"Bae" means "S**t" in one of the languages I speak. I'm not even sure why this slang is a thing

 

Because it's short for "baby" or "babe". Do you also avoid contractions such as "can't" for "cannot", or is there a reason behind your disdain for this specific word? Please elaborate.

Why did you keep the relationship a secret?

The cause for the break up was an argument we got into and it was a very heated argument and we did not talk for 5 days. She addressed it like whenever we had an issue I would ignore it and wait for her to cool down rather than de-escalating the situation right away.

For future reference, break your huge wall of text down into smaller paragraphs.

 

What was the cause of the break up to begin with? You both sound very young and immature. By context, it sounds like you're wasting your time, she's stringing you along and soaking up the attention you're giving her, using you like a doormat while she's off doing who knows what and who. She just recently told you she no longer sees you as a romantic option anymore, therefore, you are wasting your time. It's over, time to move on and foster up some self-respect and find someone who respects you and sees you as a romantic option.

The cause for the break up was an argument we got into and it was a very heated argument and we did not talk for 5 days. She addressed it like whenever we had an issue I would ignore it and wait for her to cool down rather than de-escalating the situation right away.

Honestly, I see this being a one sided relationship right now, you want to get back together but she doesn't want to, chances are she's probably found someone else who's better at this kind of thing than you, so she wants to (seemingly) quickly cut ties as fast as possible in a polite way

 

Your options are pretty limited, I want you to think about this, would it be better for you to move on and find someone new instead of chasing someone like her who's already over you?

 

Would you keep trying to make that same spark that got both of you together?

 

It's up to you really, I'd personally say you start fresh, there's nothing you can do to fix something that is broken rather than starting fresh with someone new

 

Use what you learned from this situation to optimize your chances of loss again

 

1. Arguments (People don't like arguing with someone they are attracted to, especially new and freshly got together couples)

 

2.Needs (all couples love teasing each other and love talk each other, it isn't necessary but still keeps the relationship strong between each other and shows that both of you deeply care for each other, in fact if none of this seems your thing, just showing that you care for that person can spark tremendous amount of strengthening the bond)

Yes currently this is a one sided relationship now because it was her always putting in effort. She doesn't want to because she tells me she sees me differently where before I would be the reason that she would go to sleep with a smile and always be there for her and now she feels like she sees me different because of the constant disappointment and being let down all the time after all the chances she gave me. She has not found someone else knowing her. She always messages me since we broke up we have been messaging everyday other than our NC periods because there always arguments about getting back together and with different answers each time.

I want to still continue to pursue and I want to make that same spark that got us back together. How would I do this because right now we are in a NC period and I'm going to wait till she messages me. I 100% agree with cutting the arguments out. I am going to still be there for her as a safety net whenever she needs to talk showing I'm still there

I know this will be hard to hear, but you need to let this girl go.

 

She's using you as an emotional blanket.

 

Tell her you're going NC to heal and focus on yourself and that you will always care for her, but this isn't working out for you.

 

It will be hard, but it's what best for you.

With this period of NC will there be some realization of the tremendous effort I have been putting into this relationship even after we have broken up and create some spark.

Why did you keep the relationship a secret?

With my previous relationship, I became very secretive and it became a habit

Everytime we talk about a relationship there is always the talk of the past of where was this effort a year and a half ago in the relationship. Why is it suddenly coming now? I tell her I have come to a realization that even though the other times in the relationship there was a prevalent issue i tried to change it and then i reverted back to my habits. But after she broke up with me it hit me really hard of what I did wrong and i wrote out a list of everytime I was at fault or should change. Now I'm giving her results and doing small things I should have she is not realizing it and how much effort I have been putting in...more than I have ever before.

I do not want to loose this girl. I want to reignite the spark that allowed "us" to date and I want to change that perspective of how she sees me. I know it is not going to happen today or next week, but with time I want her to see me the same way and I'm willing to put up a fight. I need to develop and action plan to win her back, I am scared of loosing her and slowly I feel as if I don't take action she is going to slip alway. The harder the fight the stronger the bond.

Everytime we talk about a relationship there is always the talk of the past of where was this effort a year and a half ago in the relationship. Why is it suddenly coming now? I tell her I have come to a realization that even though the other times in the relationship there was a prevalent issue i tried to change it and then i reverted back to my habits. But after she broke up with me it hit me really hard of what I did wrong and i wrote out a list of everytime I was at fault or should change. Now I'm giving her results and doing small things I should have she is not realizing it and how much effort I have been putting in...more than I have ever before.

 

I do not want to loose this girl. I want to reignite the spark that allowed "us" to date and I want to change that perspective of how she sees me. I know it is not going to happen today or next week, but with time I want her to see me the same way and I'm willing to put up a fight. The harder the fight the stronger the bond.

So you only realized this after she was gone?

With my previous relationship, I became very secretive and it became a habit

Why? Were you trying to appear single so other girls would be interested in you?

Can you see that this would cause your ex to feel like you're ashamed of her?

So you only realized this after she was gone?

I realized this after she was gone, it hit me hard. I just want to preserver and give her the results she wanted in the relationship and try to change her mind. I just don't know how to go about it. I want to show her the boyfriend I am...not what I did in the past. I truly love and care for her and I miss her every night. She told me if I tried right away that would of been a different story and now almost two three months after I'm putting in work.

Why? Were you trying to appear single so other girls would be interested in you?

 

Can you see that this would cause your ex to feel like you're ashamed of her?

I did not try to appear to be single, nor did I have any intension of other girl to be interested in me it was just a bad habit. I understand that now how she would feels as if I am ashamed of her, but I can to the realization that it looks like I'm trying to hide her under a cloak but now I'm slowing changing that and posted a picture of us (after the relationship) and show her that I'm not ashamed of her, I am proud to have her.

UPDATE:

I ended up caving in the other night for the NC period, Where i called her out of desperation trying to take me back and she told me this the other day " I am happy where I am at, I see you differently now, before I saw that I could be inseparable from you and we could laugh and joke around, but now I see you differently because you constantly let me down and disappointed me" How would i change how she looks at me? I am proving it to her and it seems like she sees the effort but is not reciprocating from it because the effort went from 0-100 all of the sudden.

I ended up messaging her saying that maybe we should take a step back and become friends, because I do not want to loose this friendship and she said that " I don't want you to use this relationship as an excuse not to move on" I am trying everything I slowly want to bring her back. But she is the very stubborn and very independent type of person that doesn't let someone into her life that easily.

Text her something short that says you feeling for her and that you'd love the chance to fix things and that she should call if she changes her mind..

then never contact her again and try to move on. Badgering her is going to be counter productive and there is nothing you can say or do now to change anything

Text her something short that says you feeling for her and that you'd love the chance to fix things and that she should call if she changes her mind..

then never contact her again and try to move on. Badgering her is going to be counter productive and there is nothing you can say or do now to change anything

That is true over time it may happen or it may not I just got to be okay with the idea of her not coming back.

Be short and to the point now. Tell her she's right, but that you'll always love her and you know what you did wrong and will be working hard to fix it, even though it won't bring her back, the breakup was an eye opener for you. THank her for the good times, leave the door open and go NC