Closure..

Has anyone met up for closure? Did it help to say goodbye in person? What did you discuss? In my case there is a kid (4) involved that I'd like to see one last time.. should I?

I would check out RKO's thread "Broken up with out of the blue...numb" to see how his meeting for "closure" went.

That's a long thread

I would check out RKO's thread "Broken up with out of the blue...numb" to see how his meeting for "closure" went.

According to him it actually went "well", but it didn't help him at all.

It was basically reopening old wounds and getting some new ones.

I'll always advise against meeting for "closure". Truth is, you don't need it. WHat you need to know is that it's over. Also, there's a high chance that people will hide the truth or at least part of it.

Really, nothing good will come from this.

Never, ever do it. Only ever meet an ex again if you want her back again and she's on the same page as you. Otherwise, get ready to be hurt and start the healing process from square one.

Closure is a myth. Your ex can not help you heal from the break up. If you would like to say goodbye to the kid work on that. You'll never get what you want out of your ex. They can't hand you some magic closure pill that will make it stop hurting. There are no special closure words that will make the break up hurt less. Mostly what people get out of "closure" conversations is a bunch of stirred up emotions.

Can't see the kid without the ex though

Can't see the kid without the ex though

Do you want to see the kid for yourself? Or for the kid?

You're probably right.. I just feel that it might help if we parted in a final and loving manner...

I already know her reasons.. she doesn't love me and doesn't want a future with me. There are subdivisions of all that but that's the important take away as everything else could be worked on.

Her daughter used to call me dad.. and the last time I saw her was reading her a story before bed.

You're probably right.. I just feel that it might help if we parted in a final and loving manner...

I already know her reasons.. she doesn't love me and doesn't want a future with me. There are subdivisions of all that but that's the important take away as everything else could be worked on.

Her daughter used to call me dad.. and the last time I saw her was reading her a story before bed.

Ouch. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ya.. makes this twice as hard. But meeting the daughter would really be for me not her.

Another problem is that the ex has been agreeing to meetings since the break up but then cancels every time. And I'll have to reach out again.. potential mini rejections all over

In my case, the ex left the state to visit family in another state right after breakup. It was supposed to be 2-4 weeks. It turned into 10 months (her job allows her to work remotely). She just paid her share of rent in the house with her roomates for all that time even though she wasn't there. It was this separation that caused me to 'hold on' for so long. She finally came back for 5 days just to move out at the end of that ten months. I thought it would be our opportunity to part ways 'for good' tenderly and lovingly. I was wrong. She was so obviously healed from 'us' already (she was the dumper) and I almost felt like she would have rather not even seen each other. It wound up being a whole new traumatic event for me, because how it went did not align with my expectations that I clung to for 10 months. A whole new episode of pain.

Well in my case the ex was at least considering us just a few weeks ago. She clearly decided to continue the current path so I'm not sure how this would effect such a meeting

If you know this, why ask for a meeting?

I don't understand why people want to subject themselves to even more pain.

I mean, I do get it. You think if she sees you in person she might reconsider. Or, you may be able to convince her to reconsider. Even if you swear you only want to meet for "closure", deep down inside you're hoping to reconcile.

How will you feel if she tells you "no" yet again? Why do you need to hear her say "no" yet again? Why can't you accept that for now, this is how things are, and it's time to look after yourself?

Nothing she says will make you instantly feel better. Only YOU can make yourself feel better by accepting that there's a different path for you to go down. Probably a better path.

So.. the first part is correct. I do hope that if she's see's me she'll reconsider. I'm wasn't going to speak it but that's a hope.

I'll probably continue the NC.. its been a hard few weeks for me so I guess I just wanted some options to consider.

It's hard to care so much about someone who doesn't feel the same and infact thinks their lives are better without you in it.

Ya.. makes this twice as hard. But meeting the daughter would really be for me not her.

Another problem is that the ex has been agreeing to meetings since the break up but then cancels every time. And I'll have to reach out again.. potential mini rejections all over

She cancels because she does not want to meet. Stop tormenting yourself. How does pulling a 4 year old into a farewell meeting seem like a good idea to you?

Although I'm almost 40 this is my first real break up. My marriage died a slow death and I felt nothing but relief after it ended. The other relationships were short and wasn't too worried if they came or went

It is hard.

But asking to meet for "closure" when what you want is the exact opposite will only hurt you more.

And there's no way for you to know YET if your life might be better without her in it. You haven't really given that possibility a chance.

Hang in there...I promise you won't feel this way forever. I didn't.

It doesn't really seem like a good idea, even though I miss that kid almost as much as her mother.

Really I come here and post sometimes so I can get shut down here instead of by her.

Tom.

You are deceiving yourself. And the worst deception is self-deception.

Let it go. Listen to the advice you are getting here.

Life is made up of hours and days. Could I urge you to start living these hours and days.

You miss her. You miss the kid. That is understandable but you are looking for any reason to reach out. To see her. To try to talk her into trying again. If she has said the love is gone and she doesn't see a future she has told you alll you need to know. Now you just need to accept it and break the addiction to her. That starts by stopping the phone calls and texts. It is unfortunate that she won't be straight with you, that she continues to dangle a meet up with you knowing she doesn't want that. She does not have the guts to just say stop it. So, it is up to you to "listen" to her actions and stop calling. Glad you are posting here instead.

Actually she tells me she can't be in a relationship because of her depression and anxiety. I surmise what you say is the real reason.

I'd gone a month without reaching out and then she did but that just led back to the way things were before I started NC

It's entirely up to you how long you choose to stay stuck in this situation.

It's kind of like recovering from knee surgery. I had surgery and I could have just sat in bed hoping that my knee would regain it's strength...that it would magically go back to the way it was before I was injured. OR, I could do the physical therapy, despite the pain, knowing that at the end my knee would be better and stronger.

Anything worth having requires hard work. I doubt you want to continue to be in this pain for the next several years.

Well.. I was feeling better before she reached out and now it's like a fresh break up. I've admitted to myself that I'm depressed and made an appointment to see someone

Well.. I was feeling better before she reached out and now it's like a fresh break up. I've admitted to myself that I'm depressed and made an appointment to see someone

Not a bad idea at all. I hope it goes well.