How can I avoid talking about my past with women?

A lot of times women will want me to talk about myself after a few dates, or even on the first, but there are things about me I don't like talking about. I have a very troubled, shameful past, and I do not like to talk about much about myself or my life before the age of 28. I am 32 now. Basically I just made a lot of mistakes, which were caused by a traumatized and abused childhood and I do not like to talk about it. So when a woman I am seeing wants to know more about me, how do I deflect it, but while still remaining the confident and secure guy she wants me to be, if that makes sense?

The first few dates, try to keep it light hearted, talk about favourite music, bands, movies, where you hope your future goes, etc.You don't need to talk about the past.

But if you continue to date the same woman, you should be upfront and honest with her eventually.

Hiding things will only make her suspicious and wonder what you're trying to hide. Most people do tell their stories and even if they aren't the stories they wished they had, honesty is the best policy.

You can follow it up by being confident that you got over it and you are no longer that man and have healed immensely from it all.

But hiding it will only look odd to someone. You can put it off for a while and tell your date that you'd rather not go into any in depth conversations about the past just yet and change the subject, but eventually you will have to talk about it.

Well the thing is in my experience women want a guy who is healthy and has a normal past, but at what point of the dating process are they willing to accept some significant flaws, and bad decision making and consequences? I mean it's gotten the point where I almost feel like if they can't accept the truth, then they don't deserve to hear it, and maybe I should hide it forever, if I'm going to be judged. Maybe I deserve to be judged, but at the same time, I want to have my chance in the sun as well.

I had this problem in many social situations too. I had a very traumatic/tragic upbringing in many ways, consisting of different kinds of abuse, loss and general devastation. It's not the kind of thing I tell people about readily, nor would I ever want to, because not only do I not want their pity but I don't want to feel any more of an outsider than I already do because of those things.

So I pretend to be normal. When I was younger, this consisted of lying and brushing off the details until someone asked me directly in which case I would try and briefly summarise, but I was often so nervous and insecure about it that they'd implore for more details. Now that I've had a bit more practice with it (about 8 years of deflecting), I've learned to confidently summarise the worst parts and explain that I had a difficult upbringing that I don't like to dwell on because I'm moving on with my life. Most people both accept and respect this. Sometimes if it comes up in conversation, I will admit things but I will do it matter-of-factly and then move on. Like "no, I don't really understand how frustrating your relationship with your parents is because I don't have parents, but I imagine it must be tough to live with that".

Until someone knows me well, it's none of their business what kind of emotional pain I attach to my past experiences. I also am a fan of the phrase "It's a long, fairly upsetting story. Best we save it for another time". If someone doesn't respect your wishes to open up slowly, they're not right for you, that's the crux of it.

Well the thing is in my experience women want a guy who is healthy and has a normal past, but at what point of the dating process are they willing to accept some significant flaws, and bad decision making and consequences? I mean it's gotten the point where I almost feel like if they can't accept the truth, then they don't deserve to hear it, and maybe I should hide it forever, if I'm going to be judged. Maybe I deserve to be judged, but at the same time, I want to have my chance in the sun as well.

A lot of women have their own stories of struggles. They don't expect you to be perfect. Delivery is key, though. One thing I have learned is to never let on how much hurt you are concealing until you know someone well, in which case you can slowly and gently describe some of your past to them. And even if you've healed, you can still carry hurt - at least I do. It doesn't make you defective (so long as you are a kind person and don't abuse someone or cause emotional issues in your relationship as a result)

To clarify though, my timeframe for disclosure is a matter of months (and a matter of opportunity and relational development), most certainly not a matter of years

The right woman will not expect perfection and will be accepting of you.

This isn't much different than the same problems everyone of us has, you unfortunately need to to go through a lot of wrong ones to find the right one.

At what point should you open up about it? It depends on how the first few dates go and if you see this person as someone you want to get to know even better. You could even tell the woman you see the most potential in that you are shy about talking about your past and it's difficult for you. If she is decent, she won't pressure you and will let you tell your story on your own time.

If she judges when you do tell her, then she was not the right one for you. All of us have made mistakes in life and have done things we are not proud of. You're not alone in that.

And yes, some worse that others, but you got past it and are working on being a better man, the right woman for you will see that and appreciate that in you.

Yeah okay, I guess. But I feel that people and friends expect to me to date a perfect high quality woman. For example, the last women I went on a few dates with turned out to be into cocaine. So I asked my friends about it and they advised me to stop seeing her. So I did. But if I cannot accept a woman for that, and choose to go after Ms. perfect, how am I suppose to expect a woman to accept me for my flaws and just judge me? If that makes sense?

Yeah okay, I guess. But I feel that people and friends expect to me to date a perfect high quality woman. For example, the last women I went on a few dates with turned out to be into cocaine. So I asked my friends about it and they advised me to stop seeing her. So I did. But if I cannot accept a woman for that, and choose to go after Ms. perfect, how am I suppose to expect a woman to accept me for my flaws and just judge me? If that makes sense?

This might sound rather callous depending on your relationship skills, but the person you deserve is the person who brings to the relationship what you bring to the relationship. If you were bringing drugs into the relationship, it'd be unreasonable to expect a non-drug user to want to date you (and vice versa, of course). If you bring open-mindedness and compassion to the relationship, you deserve the same in return.

Seriously??!! You don't need to accept a druggie when dating women. That is over the top. The average person has flaws yes, but being into cocaine is not average. It also does not mean your friends want you to be with perfection, it means they don't want you to be with someone who is into drugs.

Someone who is into drugs will not be a good partner and is likely to have a lot of issues.

Just because you made mistakes in the past does not mean you should be with just anyone who is choosing to be destructive. If you say you have healed from the past and want a better future you should also want the same in a partner

Okay thanks. Well I stopped seeing the woman who is into cocaine and seeing a new woman. But it's so hard to act like I am keeping my cool and not break down in front of her and cry. I feel like doing the same with my friends. I feel like I am expected to keep this fake persona of lies, and I can only take so much before I feel like caving in front of her, and in front of everyone else, about my true self. But if that is going to happen, I don't want to loose that person or have them judge me or get freaked out.

Okay thanks. Well I stopped seeing the woman who is into cocaine and seeing a new woman. But it's so hard to act like I am keeping my cool and not break down in front of her and cry. I feel like doing the same with my friends. I feel like I am expected to keep this fake persona of lies, and I can only take so much before I feel like caving in front of her, and in front of everyone else, about my true self. But if that is going to happen, I don't want to loose that person or have them judge me or get freaked out.

The only thing I can say is that I hope you can be honest with yourself and recognise if what you're looking for in a relationship is a place to heal. Because if that is the case, you are walking a dangerous path - our partners can only be so much for us. Being a therapist is too much as they will have their own needs and emotional issues that you need to be able to be strong for. Are you seeing a professional to talk about how to build a better future? I think that would be wise. It's a much better investment of your time and money at this stage than dating is.

That's what I was going to mention, are you seeing a therapist who can help you cope with the past and the issues it's created?

Well I saw a professional for six sessions then quit cause it was costing a lot but I dunno... I don't feel I am looking for a place to heal when looking for a relationship. But at the same time, I am sick of putting on this act, of the alpha male who has everything going for him. I feel like I am just going to crack and want to just be myself, but everyone I do that, the woman I like looses interest.

Relationships aren't meant to be a place to heal. Relationships are meant to be something that you add into your life when you feel healthy and in the right place in your life.

You can't run to someone thinking they will fix you or heal you and you shouldn't be expecting that.

Oh I don't think I am doing that am I? I am not expecting a woman to be a place to heal, I am just tired of putting on the confident perfect alpha male persona all the time, if there is a difference?

Oh, sorry I misread your post. You had said you weren't looking for a place to heal.

But what I was concerned about was how you might still need help to heal and cope with things in your past. You shouldn't feel the need to be putting on an act for anyone. You sound stressed about trying so hard to be what you think others want you to be. Maybe getting more counselling will help.

I understand where you're coming from though, you feel vulnerable due to your past and you are worried how people will judge or accept you. That's perfectly normal to feel but you shouldn't let it get to you to the point of being so stressed.

The right people will love and accept you for who you are.

Okay thanks So after how many dates should I talk about myself if they keep asking?

I think it depends on if you are interested in the woman enough to open yourself up to her like that. The first few dates should give you an idea if you're comfortable with telling her more about yourself or if you're not.

Well with the current woman I am but at the same time, I want her to accept me after I open up if I should do it.

Well with the current woman I am but at the same time, I want her to accept me after I open up if I should do it.

May we ask what kinds of issues you'd be raising with her, in the interest of providing an objective viewpoint as to how you could go about addressing them?

Are we talking about drugs, a prison stint, a past relationship with children, gambling addictions, family issues? All are very different in terms of how you should go about disclosing them

Basically I am autistic which caused me to be bullied and abused while growing up... That drove me into a deep trauma until I was about 27, where I remained in a very catatonic state almost, and now trying to slowly get out there and adapt to life.

i have had several failings with women but then I got a lot better after reading books such as The Mysery Method and Double your Dating. But I feel like I am pretending to be something I am not and in the past if I tell women I wasted not making a lot money, and spent my life mostly catatonic and traumatized and depressed, and autistic, they loose interest.

Basically I am autistic which caused me to be bullied and abused while growing up... That drove me into a deep trauma until I was about 27, where I remained in a very catatonic state almost, and now trying to slowly get out there and adapt to life.

 

i have had several failings with women but then I got a lot better after reading books such as The Mysery Method and Double your Dating. But I feel like I am pretending to be something I am not and in the past if I tell women I wasted not making a lot money, and spent my life mostly catatonic and traumatized and depressed, and autistic, they loose interest.

Oh this is an issue close to my heart, as I am autistic too, and it's definitely magnified/intensified (in some cases been the cause of) many of the problems in my life. So first things first, you're not alone.

Secondly, I don't think you'll ever get past having to pretend to be normal. It does get exhausting, and it's difficult. But it will be worth it when you find someone that accepts you (and you will).

I generally avoid telling people about my ASD for anywhere from 6 months onwards. The reason being that people who don't have a deep and familiar understanding of the disorder (i.e. unless they have a family member with it) tend to have a lot of misconceptions and fear about it. You are right in that sense. People do want someone who is normal. Some friends and family have warned me against being open/trusting with this information because of that. You first have to prove to someone who you are without the label of ASD, and then help them fill in the puzzle (which there will undoubtedly be one) by providing that simple answer. What I mean is let them get to know you first, and when it comes up that you are unusual, you can explain. When you're comfortable.

It's not your fault that the world isn't designed for people with disabilities. You can use ASD forums like wrongplanet and ASD dating sites (Aspieology) to connect with people and learn more about relationships, discuss difficulties and get advice. You will be okay.

I had this problem in many social situations too. I had a very traumatic/tragic upbringing in many ways, consisting of different kinds of abuse, loss and general devastation. It's not the kind of thing I tell people about readily, nor would I ever want to, because not only do I not want their pity but I don't want to feel any more of an outsider than I already do because of those things.

 

So I pretend to be normal. When I was younger, this consisted of lying and brushing off the details until someone asked me directly in which case I would try and briefly summarise, but I was often so nervous and insecure about it that they'd implore for more details. Now that I've had a bit more practice with it (about 8 years of deflecting), I've learned to confidently summarise the worst parts and explain that I had a difficult upbringing that I don't like to dwell on because I'm moving on with my life. Most people both accept and respect this. Sometimes if it comes up in conversation, I will admit things but I will do it matter-of-factly and then move on. Like "no, I don't really understand how frustrating your relationship with your parents is because I don't have parents, but I imagine it must be tough to live with that".

 

Until someone knows me well, it's none of their business what kind of emotional pain I attach to my past experiences. I also am a fan of the phrase "It's a long, fairly upsetting story. Best we save it for another time". If someone doesn't respect your wishes to open up slowly, they're not right for you, that's the crux of it.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that ironpony. Yes, it can be tough when you are dealing with those kinds of issues and people can be less than understanding.

I too agree that you should consider joining forums for those that have similar issues and dating sites that are more specific for what you live with. It will hopefully make you feel more comfortable and to not hide who you are.

Never feel ashamed of yourself. I feel ashamed for the people who treated you so badly, in fact is makes me angry.

Okay thanks. I am not really ashamed of who I am now so much, but of who I use to be. Not cause I am autistic, but because of the path it lead me down and I made bad decisions, threw away money, didn't do anything to educate myself, and had no social life, and just stayed in my room almost my whole life and didn't do anything leading to a lot of bad memories. My parents say that I blame myself too much cause since I was picked on and beat up a couple of times as a kid, it lead me to not want to get out into the real world or build a good career. But this is very embarrassing to talk about with women cause a guy who has not come out of a shell till he was 28 doesn't ring well with a lot of women, and it's caused me to become angry at myself for not getting over bad experiences, and getting out and bettering myself with a better life and career sooner.

I feel very hard behind and it's so hard to catch up in life experiences, career, and education, compared to other men my age.