Trying to move on with a little ounce of hope.

Hello all,

I've been reading a lot of messages about breaking up and finding closure within yourself on this site, and I really wanted to share to help me find that for myself.

About five months ago I was dumped by the first person I could see myself marrying and I was completely devastated. We never talked about marriage but he always said that I was the love of his life and everything he's ever wanted. He even said that I was irreplaceable.

We dated for ten months and the first two months were amazing. We were inseparable and best friends, until something happened and he became clinically depressed. He pushed me away all the time and I was trying my hardest to be there for him. It would be good one week and then for the next, I don't know, three weeks it would be excruciating. We took a break in December but he said he realized within three days that I was "the only one for him". He moved to college but said he wanted to do everything he could for us to last.

The thing is, he was not good with taking his meds and it would seem as though when he was taking them consistently he was happy with me and when he wasn't he didn't want anything to do with me. In February he dumped me through text and we haven't contacted each other since.

About three months ago I ran into his sister, who changed my mindset of moving on. She told me he would always say he was in love with me and that I was the first girl he had ever showed interest in, so she was confused as to why he ended things, and even said he has a huge drinking problem. He doesn't like talking about me, and when she confronted him saying that his depression is ruining relationships and mentioned me (this was about two months since the breakup) he said "it was different". Also to point out his mom still seems to really like me after running into her at my work.

I keep having a gut feeling that somehow and someday we're gonna cross paths. We're still connected through our siblings and friends and it keeps giving me the hope that one day we'll be together again. I just wish that sliver of hope was gone and I could fully move on, because it's still taken a toll on me. And also, my apologies for making this really long!

It really makes no difference if the mum likes you or the sister likes you, what matter is how he feels.

It sounds as though he isn't taking care of his depression and is drinking to deal with it. If that's the case it will not matter how much you care for him or what you try to do, his mind will be too caught up in depression and addiction.

You can't fix that, nor can his mum, nor can his sister, the only person who has control over that, is him.

He is the one who will have to get control of his life again and get the help he needs and look after himself right. But you can't sit there either and waste your life away wondering if he is going to get better or come back to you.

It could be months till he gets back on track, or it could be years. He has told you he no longer wants to try, the best thing you can do now is move on, try not to obsess over what if or if he is going to change his mind.

He choose to walk away and not try to work through the problems in his life or with you. You need to take that seriously.

He is really in no place to be in a relationship right now, and it's anyone's guess how long it will take him to get himself better. If he's not looking after himself, there's really nothing much more you or anyone else can do. For context, how old are you both? I am guessing on the younger side, given that he moved to college.

When you look at the bigger picture, you describe only 2 out of 10 months as amazing. The remaining 8 weren't very good. I point this out because it's important that you don't rely too heavily on the experiences of the beginning of a relationship, when everyone is always on their best behaviour and you're getting to know each other. The fun and lust and future-daydreaming of the first few weeks are wonderful, but generally not indicative of the real relationship that will develop. Grand proclamations made in the first few months shouldn't be taken too seriously. The true shape shape of the relationship takes time to develop; getting to know the true nature of the person you are with is slow and it appears that the majority of your relationship was up-and-down. For this reason, you would be best to work on letting go. I am not say he's not a good person deep down, but there isn't much solid foundation between you two.

OP, The guy is an alcoholic and not consistent with his meds for depression. The guy is not stable and capable of having a relationship.

You need to move on from the first two months, and focus on the majority of the relationship (this is who he really is). This will not work.

Everything will be the same. This is all he is capable of.

We are both recent graduates of high school. I have the feeling where I want to talk to him and be in his life, especially to see how is he doing. Another thing is, I heard that he quit his medicine cold turkey, which is insane to me.

Each month has become easier, but I have random nights where I just wish that I could be with him, regardless of how everything turned out. It sucks.

It really makes no difference if the mum likes you or the sister likes you, what matter is how he feels.

 

It sounds as though he isn't taking care of his depression and is drinking to deal with it. If that's the case it will not matter how much you care for him or what you try to do, his mind will be too caught up in depression and addiction.

You can't fix that, nor can his mum, nor can his sister, the only person who has control over that, is him.

 

He is the one who will have to get control of his life again and get the help he needs and look after himself right. But you can't sit there either and waste your life away wondering if he is going to get better or come back to you.

 

It could be months till he gets back on track, or it could be years. He has told you he no longer wants to try, the best thing you can do now is move on, try not to obsess over what if or if he is going to change his mind.

 

He choose to walk away and not try to work through the problems in his life or with you. You need to take that seriously.

He isn't taking care of his depression, which always caused conflict in our relationship. Its sad because we are both young, not even old enough to be drinking and yet it's an addiction now to him.

I've been getting better as the months go on, but I do always wonder how he is handling himself because I still deeply care for him. I recently found out that he has quit his medicine cold turkey, which worries me even though there is nothing I can do about it.

You can't be friends if there are feelings. It is misery.

Don't his parents have any control over this?

Yeah and deep down I really need to realize that.

As I remember he doesn't see his dad a lot, so it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't know he had quit. As far as his mom goes, she definitely gives me the impression of a pushover, especially since he lets him drink every single night even though he is underage and knows the family background of alcoholism. His dad was an alcoholic, so it shocks me that she is letting that happen.

Yeah and deep down I really need to realize that.

As I remember he doesn't see his dad a lot, so it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't know he had quit. As far as his mom goes, she definitely gives me the impression of a pushover, especially since he lets him drink every single night even though he is underage and knows the family background of alcoholism. His dad was an alcoholic, so it shocks me that she is letting that happen.

UGH! Please stay away from all of this.

You sound like a smart girl. A future with this guy would be a disaster.

The more I think about our relationship, the more I realize how toxic we were. We dated for ten months and I never once went to his house because he never wanted to take me. When he moved he told me he never wanted to visit because he hated our home town, yet when he broke up he started using his mom's money to come down to play video games and drink in his room all weekend. He even forgot about my birthday and told me he got me a gift and never did (which I don't care, I just hate liars). I realize this, but for some reason I can't get over him and I miss him. I just don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

Yeah and deep down I really need to realize that.

As I remember he doesn't see his dad a lot, so it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't know he had quit. As far as his mom goes, she definitely gives me the impression of a pushover, especially since he lets him drink every single night even though he is underage and knows the family background of alcoholism. His dad was an alcoholic, so it shocks me that she is letting that happen.

His mother is probably enabling him, just as she probably enabled his father.

You know, doing ANYTHING just to try to keep someone you love...