Dumped out of the blue by my fiance of 8 years. Struggling to understand why.

This is my first time posting in a forum online. I am looking for some perspective and understanding about what the hell has happened to me. My family and friends are just as confused as I am.

I am female and turned 31 last week. My ex is 32.

Exactly 100 days ago, I came home from work and my (now ex) fiance of 8 years was sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of water. He usually gets home after me so I was a bit confused. He grabbed my hands and told me to sit down. He started choking up and proceeded to say he couldn't follow through with marrying me and was ending our relationship. He proposed to me just 7 weeks prior and we had just returned from vacation two days prior (WITH HIS PARENTS) to celebrate said engagement. He was rather distant on holiday but I thought he was stressed out about work (as I was - we work in the same industry as professional engineers and it is very stressful). I had no idea what he was actually thinking. While on vacation, we talked about my engagement ring (that was arriving the week after we returned home), our plans for our small wedding, and our plans for kids. He actively participated in these conversations, but I realize now, he seemed to be forcing his answers. Kind of like...cliche robot wedding speak. I can't explain it, but I felt something was off. I had no idea he was planning on dumping me.

When he dropped that bomb on me...I was completely blindsided. I know people say that the signs are there before hand but believe me...there were none (besides him being emotionally distant for the week we were on holiday). He was my best friend. He called me every day. We lived together, laughed together, had sex an average of twice a week (and good sex at that), never fought. He never communicated any problems with our relationship to me once. He never indicated he was unhappy. He added me to his spouse account at his yacht club the day we left on vacation (ten days earlier).

After he said he was ending our relationship, I then realized that he had packed away his belongings while I was at work. I could not believe it. I asked him why he never said anything and why he was doing this. He just said over and over again he had a gut feeling he could not marry me and that the emotional connection was not there. That's it. Varying ways of saying those things. He looked like he was crying but there were no tears...it was bizarre (like choking up but his face was dry). I was in such a state of shock that I barely cried. I actually consoled him even though I was the one being dumped. He said he felt so bad for doing this to me. He said over and over again "thank you for not getting mad at me"...how could I...I was completely shocked beyond belief. I could barely stand.

After two hours of me asking questions in a daze, staring at the wall with tears running down my face, I think it just finally hit me and I started really crying and asking him to stay. He said he couldn't. He finally got up, gave me a hug (while I was sobbing), said goodbye and walked out of our apartment.

I immediately called my family and they all advised me to never speak to him again. I haven't. I moved out of our apartment, packed all my stuff and disappeared. My sister dropped off my keys at his house and blocked him on her phone. I contacted my landlord and advised him to contact my ex (I gave our notice and paid the remaining rent). I personally had to close all of our accounts (internet, hydro, ect). It was a nightmare. I have spent thousands of dollars securing a new apartment, paying out our lease, moving, paying cancellation fees, god, you name it. Due to a low vacancy rate, I had to airbnb for two weeks.

He sent me an email after three weeks saying he would help me move and I never responded. I haven't contacted him once and blocked him and every single one of his friends and family members on my phone and email. I don't have any social media accounts besides LinkedIn and he is blocked on that. He hasn't contacted me since that email.

Can ANYONE tell me what the hell has happened to me? It has been 100 days and I'm still doing mental gymnastics. I feel a lot better but I keep questioning what I could have done to spare myself this agony. I was a complete wreck for about a month. I lost 12 lbs on a (originally) 130 lb, 5'7 frame which is not healthy. I am still having issues with sleep (nightmares, waking up a lot) and appetite. I am keeping busy with friends and a metric ton of awesome hobbies (surfing, skiing, rock climbing, mountaineering) but every night and every morning, I go through the mental hamster wheel again. It's been hard.

Thank you all.

I think that's normal. My ex boyfriend of also 8 years dumped me via text message out of the blue, in march. There's always that voice in your head saying why?! Maybe try contacting him after a few months for closure? I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible feeling 😔

Jesus christ, text message? I am sorry. That is awful. Although it would be nice to get closure, I don't believe it can come from him, hence why I've been pretty solid at staying no contact. Entering the anger phase right now though...it's getting harder to keep NC. I want to strangle him to be honest.

I am really sorry. I can't tell you what his reasons were exactly but it sounds like you are doing all the right things to move forward. It's only been a few months out of an 8 year relationship so it's gonna sting for a bit. Seriously though, you have handled it well as far as staying out of contact. I do not think messaging him "for closure" or anything other reason is a good idea. At all. Do you journal? Maybe writing when you're angry (or any other strong emotion) will help release some of those feelings and keep you from breaking nc. There's a journal section on this site where you can write when tempted, and other "no contact" threads. Your family gave you good advice and sound very supportive of you. That is a blessing. Hang in there.

The why always boils down to it doesn't feel right anymore, and as much as it hurts, I'm glad he spoke his truth Before you got married.

You sound superbly good at self care, I am impressed keep going with that. The mornings and the nights do suck, I got through nights with asmr videos, or meditation videos/audio or listening to music through a couple of computer speakers one either side of my head (the stereo imaging is intense and cool and I found as I started to drift off the music would prompt my mind to see things).

Any thoughts and feelings you have towards your ex, write them all down in a letter and burn it. There's no value in telling him but you have to get them out of your head

No, don't contact him for "closure". He'll most likely say the same things he already said to you. What good would that do?

I would cut yourself some slack. It was a long, serious relationship and it's only been a few months. I dated a guy for a bit under two years and two months later I was still crying multiple times a day.

You're doing all the right things. You will be fine.

I'm just glad he at least had the decency to tell you in person and to not wait until after you were already married.

These abrupt, out-of-the-blue break ups usually happen for one of two reasons: a mental breakdown of some kind or they met someone else.

I'm going to guess the latter in your situation, simply because if he was having a mental breakdown, you probably would have heard from him by now once he stabilized.

Sadly, I think he met someone else and bolted. Don't be surprised if you hear about it from friends or see him with someone else on social media in the near future.

I'm sorry.

Jeez that sucks sorry for your pain..

It's gonna take awhile to get through it but I'm impressed how fast you implemented no contact and kept busy. You're going to be fine. My wife pulled the same stunt after 24 years, telling me it never felt right blah blah she then moved in with our daughters boyfriends dad..it was a devastating blow but slowly the pain recedes especially after no contact is started. So well done. Good luck

I wish he told me all this before he even proposed and I entered my thirties. I am certain he has felt this way for a while and never told me. It feels like an absolute betrayal.

I love asmr and it has helped so much. Thanks for your response.

Several people have brought up cheating or he was tempted to and left. I respected him so much that it never crossed my mind.

WTH.

You know, people are a mystery.

I fear that he may have had some alternative arrangement lined up, and maybe for some time.

What a dreadful shock for you. It takes a while to get over that kind of dismal event.

You said:

"He just said over and over again he had a gut feeling he could not marry me and that the emotional connection was not there. "

Dismissal is exactly what it feels like. Happy one day and chopped the next. He must have been acting for months, pretending he cared and wanted a future with me.

I know with absolute conviction that I didn't do anything wrong but it took me a while to realize that. The suddenness and callousness of this dumping made me desperately search for things in my memory that I did to drive him off. I even thought scolding him for leaving a wet towel on the bed more than nine months ago is what caused him to do this. It's that ridiculous.

"He must have been acting for months, pretending he cared and wanted a future with me."

I fear you may be right there, WTH. Acting. There are people like that, and maybe he was always like that.

You remarked earlier that you "never fought", (I prefer the word "quarrel"). That of itself is unusual. Everyone has a little spat, or even a row, once in a while. It is part and parcel of being together.

Perhaps you felt all along it was best NOT to even have a spat? One thing is for sure, you might have found out a lot more about him earlier on if you HAD a quarrel or two.

We had a few spats when we moved in together but nothing super blown up. We got along really well when it came to money, time away/together, friends, hobbies, lifestyle ect. There just wasn't much to fight about. We were pretty relaxed together.

The one thing we did fight about was getting engaged - he kept putting it off so I stopped asking about it. When he proposed, I thought it came about 'organically' so I was pleased. I guess I realize now that it was not good that he felt pressured and moody/angry the very few (less than ten talks our entire relationship) times I brought up an engagement timeline.

When you're used to that reaction, coined with the stereotype that men hate engagement pressure, I guess you think it's normal. I now know it's not.

Indeed WTH.

I guess I realize now that it was not good that he felt pressured and moody/angry the very few (less than ten talks our entire relationship) times I brought up an engagement timeline.

Despite the pain and shock I suppose it is better that this happened now rather than down the line. He would probably have happily jogged along with you for another eight (or more) years provided he didn't have to deal with matters such as an engagement. Indeed, now thinking, it may well be that there is not even an alternative arrangement. He may not be cut out for a committed relationship, all of which could also have to do with his earlier life and who knows what other reasons.

First of all...you are handling this amazingly well. That is actually an understatement. For this to happen after 8 years together and then on the heels of an engagement trip, with his family no less, and you be able to 'handle' all the necessary things like ending the lease, etc, AND have NO contact at all for 100 days...that is incredible and GOOD for you. Most people it seems, men and women, struggle with NC for months, whether it be calling, texting, stalking social media, etc. The fact that you were able to cut him out of your life immediately and totally reflects your incredible mental strength and clarity, and self-respect...even though, yes, you are still feeling so many emotions. YOUR ARE DOING AMAZING!

100 days is very little time, especially considering the 8 years you were together. Most people would still be in the 'head-spinning' stage still...yet you are in the 'anger' stage already.

Also...the fact that you have kept up with your friends, and enjoying all your outdoor pursuits and hobbies, underscores how important that it is. So many of us crumble for months, go into isolation, and hardly get out of bed, much less go skiing and climbing, for God's sake. You obviously had the mental capacity to keep moving forward and not sacrifice your life's pursuits because of this, but also being out there healthy and active has surely helped you get through the first 3 months, rather than sitting home crying about it.

You asked what you could have done to avoid the agony. The answer is nothing, how could any human avoid it after what you went through. However, by doing what you did, you avoided prolonging the agony, though it might not feel like it yet. You are a textbook example of doing what is advised on this forum (kudos to your family for giving you such excellent advice and supporting you like this, they are brilliant!), and yet you did it without being told that's what you need to do by coming here 3 months ago...it just came naturally to take your family's advice to you to cut the ties, block him, take care of business end of things, and keep doing the things you love. AMAZING.

Keep it up, you are an inspiration.

Thank you for your supportive words. I hope to keep moving through the anger phase to normalcy!

Thank you for your supportive words. I hope to keep moving through the anger phase to normalcy!

I have no doubts that you will!

A wise ex-gf once had some very sage advice. When you are wronged by someone, and in your case it was huge...cut them off, and never respond to them again. She said it from the standpoint of it being "if you really want to 'get' to someone...just completely ignore them, giving them any kind of response is more than they deserve. Let them wonder how you can suddenly disappear and show zero interest in them or their life. It's a massive blow to them, which they completely deserve. Not to mention it helps you move on. What she was really was describing was what we call "no contact." She just didn't know it was a 'thing.'

Stay the course!

I don't think you're doing what you're doing to "get" to your ex. I think you have a healthy sense of self-esteem and obviously, some wonderful support from family and friends. Plus, you seem smart enough to know that if someone decides to leave you, it's NOT a good idea to chase them and beg them to take you back.

You're worth much more than that.

I applaud your strength. I bet great things are in store for you in the near future.

I don't think you're doing what you're doing to "get" to your ex. I think you have a healthy sense of self-esteem and obviously, some wonderful support from family and friends. Plus, you seem smart enough to know that if someone decides to leave you, it's NOT a good idea to chase them and beg them to take you back.

I agree completely, very healthy sense of self-esteem. My comment was referencing her anger and wanting to ring his neck. I meant that a side benefit of her healthy NC she was strong enough to do, was that he surely has been shocked that she disappeared and didn't come begging. Not that she cares what he's thinking. But that might help with the anger bit. Maybe clumsily stated by me.

She's on a great path and I admire her.

Thank you both. I was worried I wouldn't make it through my no contact because I've entered this period of anger. It's easy to lash out but I don't want to.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion, as others have stated, that there is anyone else in the picture. I broke a 5 month engagement off from my ex fiancée years ago. It wasn't a mental breakdown and I wasn't cheating. There was nothing wrong with her. It was through self reflection that I concluded I simply wasn't ready. I wasn't feeling it. I loved her and it broke my heart but I had to let her go. In this respect you are fortunate to have found out now.

Also, don't take his lack of tears as not caring. He has been mourning this for quite some time.

And I can tell you this; there is nothing wrong with you. Stay on your path. You're doing all of the right things.

You're doing all the right things. That can't be said enough. Trust your process.

I also do not agree that there is anyone else in the wings, and would advise that you dismiss that notion and keep on course with your right action. There are a lot of other reasons people abruptly leave, and on some level, it's kinder to you both to have compassion (along with healthy anger) for the bad situation. Keep to the high road, protect your heart, and if there is ever any turnaround from him, you let him know he will have to work damn hard to ever win back your trust.

In my overall experience, closure can't really happen in the first year; it's all too fresh and raw. Trust that you are going to get through this well, with or without that. Keep taking your right action.

Additionally, some people -- men especially -- are not able to cry, in the moments they most need or want to. For whatever that's worth.

It's true that people who leave may have grieved the relationship already months before, but it's equally true that some people just leave on the spur of the moment, out of a total fright. Over what, I don't know. But the ones I've known who have done this, had zero explanation for it, even years later. As someone said earlier up thread, maybe just not capable of doing deeper relationship.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Keep strong.

I'm very sorry for what has happened to you. I can't even imagine the pain. But I admire your strength in implementing no contact right away and blocking him. You did the right thing. And also you have a wonderful support network (your family) that will make everything easier for you.

Just know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. As to closure and knowing why I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think that you'll probably never know or understand. Even if he tells you why later on, you'll never feel like the explanation is enough or that it cover all your doubts. Sometimes we simply don't get to understand their decisions. Other times themselves don't know how to explain it. I also don't know why people propose and a short time after they don't want it after all. I've seen this happening with other people and they also never understood why.

As to there being someone else, it's a possibility. That usually makes people end relationships out of the blue and with much more certainty because they know there's someone else waiting there for them. But I think that at this point it doesn't matter and there's no way of knowing this. Closure will be given by yourself to yourself. Unfortunately he can't give you that.

Good luck.

I wish he told me all this before he even proposed and I entered my thirties. I am certain he has felt this way for a while and never told me. It feels like an absolute betrayal.

 

I love asmr and it has helped so much. Thanks for your response.

Usually the one that ends the relationship spends a while thinking about ending it and detaching from the relationship and mourning it while they're still in the relationship. It's even common for them to become more romantic sometimes, as in trying to "feel it again". It's sad that they are not honest enough to say what they're feeling right from the start. So for them in their minds the break up process has already began but they have the advantage of going through it with their partner by their side. So when they actually break up, they are in a much more advanced state of recovery than the one being dumped. They also don't have that ego feeling of rejection. That's why it always seems like the dumper has it so easy and goes through it all so smoothly while the dumpee is hurting like hell.

Thank you for your supportive words. I hope to keep moving through the anger phase to normalcy!

Sometimes it helps using our anger in other activities like sports or any kind of project.