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How far should I go with unfriending/blocking on social media?


Baowtadow

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Hi all,

 

I'm going hard no contact. She originally unfriended me on Snap and Twitter. I recently unfriended her on FB and IG. I also went a step further to unfriend her fam on FB. Her fam still follows me on IG and views all of my stories. I'm torn on if I should block her fam from watching my IG stories and also if I should block her (instead of unfriend) from all social media altogether. On one hand, her fam can check out the happy and positive life I'm living post breakup. On the other hand, they can keep tabs on me and keep my ex informed to prolong her "missing" me. I stay away from her social media altogether and am focused on working 100% on myself.

 

Quick recap on my story: I (M30) dated my exgf (F26) for 4 years until she ended things 4 months ago. She gave me all the lines about she loves me but isnt in love, wants to be alone, lost herself in me, etc etc. I went LC reaching out every 3 weeks for 3.5 months post breakup, thinking she just needed some space while finishing up college. Turns out, she straight up told me 2 weeks ago that she's been seeing her classmate and she doesn't love me, care for me, and doesn't want either of us in each other's lives (been Hard NC since). Our relationship wasn't abusive, I never cheated or lied, and we rarely fought. She doesn't discount that we truly loved each other. She just now sees no value in me because I'm not interesting to her anymore. And she's obviously interested in this new guy.

 

I think this is a case of the GIGS. Yes, I still love her and yes, I want to keep the door open of reconciliation in the future, should that opportunity arise. Like I said, I'm torn if I should block her and her fam completely or still allow her fam to follow me on IG. Any other tips would be much appreciated.

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If you want to do what's best for you, go all out. Block them all on everything. That way you won't play this game in your mind of "I wonder what she'll think when she finds out about this." You need to progress your healing as quickly as possible so you don't prolong your pain.

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Just block everything. Trust me if a woman says she's done, then she means it! If she comes around months later it may be because the other guy didn't work out and she's itching for attention. Know what's in your heart and be true to yourself. Love hurts, but this is a different kind of hurt. It's not fair to you that you can't heal because your waiting for someone else. Move on, focus on yourself and the things you need to change. And when you really REALLY feel like you are ready to date again, DATE. I mean you was in a 4 year relationship here, there is a soul tie, there were emotions and intimacy invovled. Dust yourself off and Keep, It, Moving. Best blessings to you dear.

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You should block everything. When a woman says she's done, more than likely she means it. If she comes around months later or so, it not have worked out with the other guy and she's just itching for attention. It's unfair to not be able to heal because your waiting on something that may never happen. Dust yourself off and when you are ready to date, do it! Best of blessings to you.

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It doesn't sound like she's given you any kind of indication she wants to get back together. YOU think it's GIGS, but that doesn't mean it is.

 

My ex dumped me for someone else. It obviously wasn't GIGS because, 8 years later, they're still together.

 

I recommend blocking. Instead of posting happy stuff hoping her family will tell her how much fun you're having, how about actually really doing fun, happy stuff?

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Prolong her 'missing you?' You then go on to say that she told you she doesn't love you, is with someone else, and doesn't want either of you in each other's lives. I am sorry to say this and squash your hope (been there done that) but she is not missing you. Especially because she is with someone new. She is not thinking about you at all anymore.

 

You also said you are "100 percent" working on yourself, yet you are trying to use social media hoping her family will pass along how great your life is, and cause her to miss you. You are not 100% working on yourself, part of you is engaging in activities that have an objective tied to 'getting her back.' This is a form of not truly moving on, but keeping the relationship alive in your mind...and it's useless. Again...ask me how I know. I did what you are doing--and of course it was useless, and only caused me to hold on to hope for a month, then 2, then 4, then 10...and beyond. It was ridiculous and I lost so much time in my life obsessed with that hopeful (or perhaps delusional) idea that something remained, and her seeing or hearing about social media would trigger her feelings/etc and help 'bring her to her senses.' It's folly to do so.

 

You need to block her family so that you can cut the head off the snake of your idea that they are passing on this info to her. Using social media to try to 'get' to her, even indirectly, IS still a form of 'contact', as it keeps feeding your hope. You are posting things not to share with your friends and followers, but specifically designed for her consumption, indirectly through her family. That is not healthy. Cut them all off, and you'll find you won't even posting anymore, until you are ready to do so for the right reasons...sharing your life with friends and family. Not as a tool to 'get' to her.

 

It took me a long time in my life to learn that NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT, including NOT allowing her to know what is happening in my life, even if that is the last bit of contact that there is. And I can tell you, doing so is HARD. Letting go of that last thing that is keeping us 'connected,' if even only in your mind, takes a great deal of strength and courage, believe me. But it's also the moment that you finally can start to recover in every way, though you'll miss doing what you've been doing, like a drug addict misses drugs. Because you will go through withdrawal, with 'hope' being the drug. You need to go cold turkey.

 

True NO CONTACT means that all you have left are the memories and visions in your head, and those alone can be huge demons to slay, which should be your focus, without the distraction of doing things that keep your hopes alive.

 

Sorry to sound blunt but I learned the hard, months of life-wasting way.

 

Accept that she is gone and cut every tie and avenue that you can. Only then will you truly start to heal.

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i'll tell you what i did during my last breakup with a woman i was in love with. not only did i delete her phone number and blocked her and her friends/family from every social media that i have. But i also took everything that she ever gave me as gifts during our relationship regardless of cost and burned it all. and the stuff of mine she had, i considered a total loss. didnt want them back.

 

im not saying you should go to those extremes as a rule, but that gives you an idea that when it comes to your mental and emotional wellbeing, put yourself first, dont worry about the other people who in the end dont really matter to you all that much.

 

by the way, if youre doing this as a means to reconcile with her then its not gonna work. dont bother going through all the trouble of deleting and blocking contacts.

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Why block? Has she been communicating with you?

 

No. She hasn't initiated in months and now I know why.

 

@hooter, I'd honestly love to hear from her again. Does that mean I'm waiting for it? No. Does it mean I'm not moving on? No. I'll admit I was just as big of a sap as the next guy BUT when I found out she was seeing someone else, my feelings changed. I feel a bit numb. and reasonably speaking, I feel like nothing that I do will matter to her unless she's open to reconsidering me. Since I have no idea when that will be, there's logically no move that I have except hard NC, move on, and focus on myself 100%. So it's basically a win-win from here. I'm involved in new activities and I'm excited to see my transformation in the months ahead. I'm also dating again. Apparently, there have been women who cared deeply for me from a distance.

 

Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. She isn't the end-all-be-all and I have no idea if our relationship would be as special as it was before. I actually have massive doubts when it comes to rekindling with her, but I still want to keep the door open. I just didn't know if blocking would send the "well he's butthurt that I dumped him so he blocked me and my fam" message and make me look weaker. I clearly don't want to make any more moves from a position of weakness. However, if blocking helped her "miss" me (if ever), I'd be inclined to take that route.

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I want to keep the door open of reconciliation in the future, should that opportunity arise. L

 

In reading your post again, I thought I would add to my earlier advice. The door is ALWAYS open to reconciliation, you can't close it or keep it open. There is nothing that can stop her from finding you and reaching out with an overture of reconciliation. You can't control that. What you can do, is misguidedly convince yourself that blocking her or her family will somehow close the door. Not true.

 

Something else that occurred to me...you stated you are 100% working on yourself, but posted this in the "Getting Back Together" forum, not the "Healing After Breakup" forum. That clearly indicates you have not taken the steps to move on and truly focus on YOU and getting over her.

 

If she ever decides she made a mistake and wants to explore a life you with again (don't get your hopes up), she will let you know, whether or not you have blocked her and her whole family from seeing your life on social media.

 

Move on and cut all the sources of the drug that is dripping into our system. It's the hardest thing I ever did, but like an addict in recovery, the first few weeks of that were torture. but clarity and healing finally crept in.

 

The advice on this forum is usually pretty spot on, but it's up to us to implement it, without excuses as to why 'my case is different.' Every case is different, but in 'micro' ways that don't matter. The 'macro' of every case is the same. She left for whatever reason, and fighting that with excuses or justifications is like swimming upstream--which can go on for a long, long time if you let it.

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unless she's open to reconsidering me. Since I have no idea when that will be, there's logically no move that I have except hard NC, move on, and focus on myself 100%.

 

If you are posting on social media so that her family will hopefully pass that on to her, you are not in 'hard' NC. I'm sorry, but you aren't.

 

I just didn't know if blocking would send the "well he's butthurt that I dumped him so he blocked me and my fam" message and make me look weaker. I clearly don't want to make any more moves from a position of weakness. However, if blocking helped her "miss" me (if ever), I'd be inclined to take that route.

 

You are far too concerned with what she will 'think' and making yourself look weaker. Look, she is with someone else, and it's very likely she's thinking very little about you, if at all. And whether or not she thinks you're 'butthurt' won't have any impact on whether or not she changes her mind about you someday.

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unless she's open to reconsidering me. Since I have no idea when that will be, there's logically no move that I have except hard NC, move on, and focus on myself 100%.

 

If you are posting on social media so that her family will hopefully pass that on to her, you are not in 'hard' NC. I'm sorry, but you aren't.

 

I just didn't know if blocking would send the "well he's butthurt that I dumped him so he blocked me and my fam" message and make me look weaker. I clearly don't want to make any more moves from a position of weakness. However, if blocking helped her "miss" me (if ever), I'd be inclined to take that route.

 

You are far too concerned with what she will 'think' and making yourself look weaker. Look, she is with someone else, and it's very likely she's thinking very little about you, if at all. And whether or not she thinks you're 'butthurt' won't have any impact on whether or not she changes her mind about you someday.

 

I'm posting as I normally would. There's no tricks or games to what I post, but I recognize since her family watches all my stories that there's obv interest in what I'm up to. This doesn't mean they pass it on to my ex. I have no idea. I presume she has 0% interest in what I'm doing, given what she told me. But if this new guy situation is in fact GIGS, then I want to take the route that can most effectively lead to reconciliation (if we both want it).

 

From all the feedback gathered, I'm inclined to make all my accounts private and remove the fam from following me. This way I am a complete mystery and if she wants to know about me, she can ask me instead of them.

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I can't understand ex's who will be shocked if you unfriend them on social media when you already have unfriended them in real life!

I think that you can't be friend of someone you still love even by 1%, this means you can't be a fb "friend" too: she should understand this. Maybe when you both are completely over this, ok.

I mean, real life >>> social media.

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I think the answer is always what helps you the most and what keeps you easier from avoiding contacting and snooping if that's your intention. Sometimes people are worried about what the ex is going to think and how they're coming off. Me and my friends had this discussion of the "is it better to block and delete or keep them and pretend it's nothing?". I had friends defending that deleting and blocking was immature because it showed you care and were "salty" about it. I disagree because:

 

- No contact and no social media snooping is hard when everything is still fresh but it's very beneficial. If one has trouble with it, every method to ensure that is valid

- It doesn't matter what they think, what matters is what's healthier for you. Sometimes simply unfollowing and disconnecting the chat is not enough. I know for me it isn't

- It won't change their decision. If they want to come back it will be because they want to, not because you stayed in contact or didn't delete

- An understanding and caring ex will understand that this is necessary for your healing. If they don't understand it and react to it, then they are being selfish and if so it's even less important what they think and you wouldn't want them again

- Playing games doesn't take you anywhere and when they do it's for a short period of time. Post break up manipulation games prevents you from genuinely focusing on your healing and life improvement

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If you want that much to keep doors open or whatever, simply delete and if she asks explain why. With my ex, I simply told him that I needed NC to heal and I couldn't be his friend or talk to him at the moment. I asked him to respect that. Later on I realised that having his reminder on my social media was hard for me, so I deleted him. At that point I expected he wouldn't notice but he did right away. He asked me why and if I was mad at him. I explained to him that I needed to delete him so that I can move on easier because out of sight out of mind. And the fact that he was with someone made me want to remove him from my view even more. I was honest but at the same time calm and collected. He said he admired my honesty and that he would respect my decision.

 

I'm not expecting getting back to him. I know it won't happen, but if it were to happen, I reacted with honesty, dignity and drama free and so at least he respects me, so if it were to happen I'd have a better chance of opening the door again and him opening his door to me. But I didn't do it to have a chance in the future, I honestly did it for myself and my healing. Imagine a drug addict having to sleep everyday with a bag of cocaine under his bed. Even if he doesn't pick it up or looks at it, he knows it's there easily assessable waiting for him to fall into temptation again.

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My ex returned a few weeks back (after unfriending, mailing her things, and finally doing real NC) and led me to think we were trying to return to eacother. This was followed by the same strained contact that had been happening before. Had I blocked she would have had to come to my house if she was ever serious and if not it would have saved me the pain of being again rejected since she would have given up

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My ex returned a few weeks back (after unfriending, mailing her things, and finally doing real NC) and led me to think we were trying to return to eacother. This was followed by the same strained contact that had been happening before. Had I blocked she would have had to come to my house if she was ever serious and if not it would have saved me the pain of being again rejected since she would have given up

 

Why did she return?

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She was initially upset I unfriended her.. this led to us having a long talk where she insisted she wasn't dating and wasn't planning to and we arranged to meet up the next week. As well as coming up with a few other things we were going to do for each other.

So I didn't contact her and she didn't contact me and it came close and she broke the meet up in a dismissive text (couple of words, left me hanging).

So.. back to NC

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