Mum boyfriend inapropriate

Hi everyone, thought i would share an update on whats happened so far. Thankyou all for helping me out yesterday, everything you all said was really appreciated. Im not going to lie to you and tell you im at my boyfriends, because im not, im still at home. Reason being my mum walked in on me crying last night, we ended up talking about everything. I eventually fell asleep at 6am... which as you can imagine, has made me feel even more like crap today. My mum said that shes spoken to her boyfriend. He approached me this afternoon and asked if im okay, to which i replied yes. He and my mum then went downstairs to look online at a new car they may buy. He asked me to have a look and give my opinion on it, which i ignored as I dont feel in the mood to be talking right now. My mum wasnt happy about me sitting in the kitchen whilst theyre in the living room, as apparently its making matters worse. I told her that I dont want to talk right now and would like to just sit here on my own. Which once again she had a problem with. I think its understandable that I dont want to sit in the same room as the man who, just yesterday evening, told his friend over the phone, that im 'acting like a little '. But apparently its not, and i should just brush it off. Ive been thinking through all my options in my head since 2am last night. Truth is im someone who hates arguements and hates upsetting or hurting other people. Which is why im finding this so hard. I doubt myself too much and think that im just overreacting and need to grow up. Probably because of what ive been told.

No one needs to take abuse hanna. ever

I really feel like i dont know how to react. I dont want to seem like im not taking the advice that everyones given me, because i am. I just worry so much about other people and how they will be effected by this.

I really feel like i dont know how to react. I dont want to seem like im not taking the advice that everyones given me, because i am. I just worry so much about other people and how they will be effected by this.

Hanna, you have to worry about yourself first. His negative treatment and sexual harassment of you and your mothers unwillingness to stand up for you and pushing you to interact with someone who is abusive towards you, means you have to care about yourself first because neither of them are.

You need to get out of the house. You need to live in a place where you are safe and understood. Will it hurt their feelings? Maybe? But they have lost the rights to your consideration when they stopped considering your safety.

I'm so sorry the adults in your life won't stand up for you. That means you have to stand up for yourself. Get out of that house. It doesn't matter if it hurts them. They have made it clear that it doesn't matter to them if you are hurt.

I really feel like i dont know how to react. I dont want to seem like im not taking the advice that everyones given me, because i am. I just worry so much about other people and how they will be effected by this.

Hanna, your mom's feelings are HER problem. SHE is the one who needs to grow up and be a mom.

Hanna, you have to worry about yourself first. His negative treatment and sexual harassment of you and your mothers unwillingness to stand up for you and pushing you to interact with someone who is abusive towards you, means you have to care about yourself first because neither of them are.

 

You need to get out of the house. You need to live in a place where you are safe and understood. Will it hurt their feelings? Maybe? But they have lost the rights to your consideration when they stopped considering your safety.

 

I'm so sorry the adults in your life won't stand up for you. That means you have to stand up for yourself. Get out of that house. It doesn't matter if it hurts them. They have made it clear that it doesn't matter to them if you are hurt.

If i were to move out it would be so incomvenient for me in the long run... i work from home, ive developed a home business, and it would mean me starting all over again which is so daunting. Seems like the only resolution to any of this is starting over again

If i were to move out it would be so incomvenient for me in the long run... i work from home, ive developed a home business, and it would mean me starting all over again which is so daunting. Seems like the only resolution to any of this is starting over again

Staying in a abusive environment and watching your mother continuing to fail to stand up for you is going to hurt a lot more in the long run then starting over again. Do you have any family you can stay with? grandparents? Your father? friends? parents of friends? aunts or uncles?

What is your business? Some at homes business are easier to transfer then others. But you've already done it once so it won't be starting form scratch. I know it's intimidating but it's something you can do to get out of there.

What is your business? Some at homes business are easier to transfer then others. But you've already done it once so it won't be starting form scratch. I know it's intimidating but it's something you can do to get out of the

Its possible for me to stay with family, but theyre going to want to know why.

Im a qualified massage and spa therapist. I have a client room set up

Its possible for me to stay with family, but theyre going to want to know why.

Im a qualified massage and spa therapist. I have a client room set up

You should tell them why. Your mother's boyfriend is being abusive and sexually inappropriate. And your mother isn't doing anything to stop him and is forcing you to spend time with him. If you share with your family what you shared here in your last post they will understand. You SHOULD tell them why you need support. Maybe if other people know you're mother will get a clue.

if the business isn't lucrative enough to allow you to support yourself and live on your own, you should really look into public housing, as your annual gross income probably meets the criteria, as does the fact that you live with an abuser.

have you talked to a social worker?

Reason being my mum walked in on me crying last night, we ended up talking about everything. My mum said that shes spoken to her boyfriend. He approached me this afternoon and asked if im okay, to which i replied yes..

I don't understand this at all. You told your mother about her boyfriend molesting you and all she did was "spoke to him"?? Wasn't she outraged? One would think she would pack his bags so fast and kick his a$$ out the door! Her daughter tells her about being molested and she "talks" to him and just accepts it?? Basically she's condoning his behaviour and enabling it!

Move out already.

ETA: Just saw you say you work from home - your own business as a massage and spa therapist. Not bad for an 18 year old. How long does it take to qualify? (just curious).

I doubt myself too much and think that im just overreacting and need to grow up.

Its hard to know what to do without knowing too many specifics about you. For example, if you are in a Muslim family living in certain countries people may say your are just overreacting. If you are in a country like Canada you may find social services getting involved and asking embarrassing questions like: Did he cup his hand when swatting your behind or was it an open handed gesture of affection like a pat on the back. If the latter did you immediately express yourself and say NO I do not like that. Remember that he will be presumed innocent until an embarrassing investigation makes its conclusion. If you are in the United States you are aware that the current president makes crude remarks about women and has been accused of touching them inappropriately. Was he punished? No, so it is not as easy to get people convicted as it may seem.

The point of this preamble is that the solution may have more impact on you than just moving out. You are 18. You are old enough to be in control of your own life. So long as you live with your mother and this man this will not be resolved. The damage is done. You are not likely to win, if that means getting the man to leave or your mother to kick him out. If you stay, the best case scenario is getting this man accused and convicted or a minor abuse case. It will have consequences but you will not like them because your mother may blame you for getting her boyfriend in trouble and you will still not get your happy home life with your mother back.

Move out. Get your own place where you are the boss. In some countries you can go to the social welfare office and get financial assistance to move out due to the circumstances. Staying in that house is robbing you of your power and your boundaries. Such is the opinion of one man.

Hanna, I know you said that you're 18 and because of that, you're worried you won't be taken seriously (because, I guess, legally you are no longer considered a minor), but think about it this way: if this were happening to any other adult just like yourself, it would be considered and absolutely is sexual assault.

He is committing a crime by touching you and acting toward you this way. It doesn't matter if you're over 18, it is still just as serious of an offense. It's the same as if, I, a 32 year old woman, had a co-worker I have to share my office with or even someone I've just met for the first time over a coffee date or somebody I know's Dad or-- in exactly the same situation as you. It's still all the same legitimacy and severity. You have to look at it like that. I know it's hard, because you probably don't want to "make a big deal" out of everything, but what's happening is as serious as other things you might be thinking "actually qualify" as that. Just because it might seem like it's "not as bad" because it's not violating you in more overtly "intimate" sexual ways (like "it's not serious, I'm just playing around" and laughing about it afterward), make no mistake: THIS IS SEXUAL MOLESTATION OR ASSAULT.

It doesn't matter that it's in a way that he's manipulating into seeming like it's not serious or not that big of a deal.

I understand that your Mom might have been your only parent that was really a caretaker, and that things with your Dad or life in general might have just been crap, and you and your Mom have been through it together pretty much, and you might have seen all of the ups and downs and fallout from all of that, and what that meant it was like for your Mom through all of those difficult years. I understand your sympathy, and you are a beautiful person for considering her happiness in the whole perspective of life. However, she's just not able to see right now what you really need from her, because she's too involved with and caught up in the relationship with her boyfriend, that she might either be in denial about what's going on and really happening, or she can't see how flat out and on the surface this *M-F-ing* (sorry) behavior really is and recognize it, for what it's worth, and what she needs to do. We're all on here extremely upset and appalled by your Mother's inexcusable position in this so far and her unforgivably sacrificing her daughter over to this demon, but that is not your concern to worry about. Let her be happy with her boyfriend, just simply remove yourself from the situation because you need protection from it.

Otherwise, I could not agree more with everything the other contributors have said. It just makes me so *blanking* (explitive) sad that there are SO MANY sweet-natured, wonderful individuals out there (just like you, Hanna) who have to go through the nightmare of this kind of behavior and abuse, when they are always the last people you would expect that someone would do this to. That's why the abusers/predators get away with it or target these people. Speaking as someone who's stunningly (and embarrassingly, in my own view at the time) found herself as one of those targets, too.

Sending 💕💕 and hopes, Hanna.

PS- Did you say "BOYFRIEND" when you were referring to not having left yet?? Oh my god, you have a boyfriend and he's not on his way over there with a shotgun already??!?! He has more self-control than most, I'll tell you that....

Your mom heard what a creep of a boyfriend she has molesting her daughter and is looking at buying a car with him?!!!

This has me infuriated!

Pack your bags and call a social worker to help you get back on your feet.

My mom is a retired social worker but she helped a lot of girls like you get the right resources and help.

Also you can go to the police and tell them you are being sexually assulted and press charges against the creep!

I know your mom would be furious but she needs a dose of reality!

A social worker is the best way to start.

Lisa

I don't understand this at all. You told your mother about her boyfriend molesting you and all she did was "spoke to him"?? Wasn't she outraged? One would think she would pack his bags so fast and kick his a$$ out the door! Her daughter tells her about being molested and she "talks" to him and just accepts it?? Basically she's condoning his behaviour and enabling it!

 

Move out already.

 

ETA: Just saw you say you work from home - your own business as a massage and spa therapist. Not bad for an 18 year old. How long does it take to qualify? (just curious).

I just feel like my mind is being twisted all the time and im told that im wrong, im overreacting, being childish, causing unecesary drama, ruining the household mood... these are a few things ive been told anyway. When im told things like that i usually believe them and convince myself that its something i need to get over, and i find myself doing the exact same thing now.

Its taken me 2 years to qualify, ive also done courses along sids of the qualification too. Ive just completed my Level 3 with a distinction

PS- Did you say "BOYFRIEND" when you were referring to not having left yet?? Oh my god, you have a boyfriend and he's not on his way over there with a shotgun already??!?! He has more self-control than most, I'll tell you that....

He wasnt happy at all when i told him, he said he was going to confront him right there and then but i told him not to. My boyfriends constantly pushing me to do something about it all as i wont allow him to sort it out for me. I dont want him in trouble.

Hanna, I know you said that you're 18 and because of that, you're worried you won't be taken seriously (because, I guess, legally you are no longer considered a minor), but think about it this way: if this were happening to any other adult just like yourself, it would be considered and absolutely is sexual assault.

He is committing a crime by touching you and acting toward you this way. It doesn't matter if you're over 18, it is still just as serious of an offense. It's the same as if, I, a 32 year old woman, had a co-worker I have to share my office with or even someone I've just met for the first time over a coffee date or somebody I know's Dad or-- in exactly the same situation as you. It's still all the same legitimacy and severity. You have to look at it like that. I know it's hard, because you probably don't want to "make a big deal" out of everything, but what's happening is as serious as other things you might be thinking "actually qualify" as that. Just because it might seem like it's "not as bad" because it's not violating you in more overtly "intimate" sexual ways (like "it's not serious, I'm just playing around" and laughing about it afterward), make no mistake: THIS IS SEXUAL MOLESTATION OR ASSAULT.

It doesn't matter that it's in a way that he's manipulating into seeming like it's not serious or not that big of a deal.

 

I understand that your Mom might have been your only parent that was really a caretaker, and that things with your Dad or life in general might have just been crap, and you and your Mom have been through it together pretty much, and you might have seen all of the ups and downs and fallout from all of that, and what that meant it was like for your Mom through all of those difficult years. I understand your sympathy, and you are a beautiful person for considering her happiness in the whole perspective of life. However, she's just not able to see right now what you really need from her, because she's too involved with and caught up in the relationship with her boyfriend, that she might either be in denial about what's going on and really happening, or she can't see how flat out and on the surface this *M-F-ing* (sorry) behavior really is and recognize it, for what it's worth, and what she needs to do. We're all on here extremely upset and appalled by your Mother's inexcusable position in this so far and her unforgivably sacrificing her daughter over to this demon, but that is not your concern to worry about. Let her be happy with her boyfriend, just simply remove yourself from the situation because you need protection from it.

 

Otherwise, I could not agree more with everything the other contributors have said. It just makes me so *blanking* (explitive) sad that there are SO MANY sweet-natured, wonderful individuals out there (just like you, Hanna) who have to go through the nightmare of this kind of behavior and abuse, when they are always the last people you would expect that someone would do this to. That's why the abusers/predators get away with it or target these people. Speaking as someone who's stunningly (and embarrassingly, in my own view at the time) found herself as one of those targets, too.

 

Sending 💕💕 and hopes, Hanna.

I know that what hes doing isnt right but i feel like i cant take it further until he does something further, something that i have evidence of too. Ive told him ill report him before, he responded laughing and saying that me saying 'he touched my boobie' wont get me anywhere. I think my mum is in the wrong mind frame or something. Last night she told me I need to grow up and ask her when i need help, to which i responded that she needs to grow up and actually help me, instead of doing nothing about anything. It made her upset but i couldnt control my anger and i had to tell her. Once i get to my boyfriends, i doubt i will come back for a while, i may even be taking my dog with me. Mum and her boyfriend are off for a holiday in july and i cant wait to be alone at home, its going to give me time to relax and be worry free. (Thankyou for writing such a detailed response, i appreciate you taking your time to do this, as do i appreciate everyones responses)

Its hard to know what to do without knowing too many specifics about you. For example, if you are in a Muslim family living in certain countries people may say your are just overreacting. If you are in a country like Canada you may find social services getting involved and asking embarrassing questions like: Did he cup his hand when swatting your behind or was it an open handed gesture of affection like a pat on the back. If the latter did you immediately express yourself and say NO I do not like that. Remember that he will be presumed innocent until an embarrassing investigation makes its conclusion. If you are in the United States you are aware that the current president makes crude remarks about women and has been accused of touching them inappropriately. Was he punished? No, so it is not as easy to get people convicted as it may seem.

 

The point of this preamble is that the solution may have more impact on you than just moving out. You are 18. You are old enough to be in control of your own life. So long as you live with your mother and this man this will not be resolved. The damage is done. You are not likely to win, if that means getting the man to leave or your mother to kick him out. If you stay, the best case scenario is getting this man accused and convicted or a minor abuse case. It will have consequences but you will not like them because your mother may blame you for getting her boyfriend in trouble and you will still not get your happy home life with your mother back.

 

Move out. Get your own place where you are the boss. In some countries you can go to the social welfare office and get financial assistance to move out due to the circumstances. Staying in that house is robbing you of your power and your boundaries. Such is the opinion of one man.

I live in the UK. The awkward questions that i could be asked are another thing im afraid of. I want people to listen to me for once, instead of my own mum butting in whilst im talking, telling me im 'unbelievable' and 'out of order', shaking her head at me as if shes ashamed of my behaviour. I can imagine all too well how things could turn out with me and mum if i did report him, and this worries me. Shes always been my closest friend, and always been so supportive to me until now.

Im definitely going to work on saving to mo e out sooner rather than later, its a daunting thing to do but i want to be free.

Your mom's behaviour is completely shameful and insidiously abusive as his. PLEASE leave Hanna. Do not listen to her she is complicit in ABUSE so she can have a man in her life. That's disgusting.

I know that the 'talk' my mum and him had was a complete waste of time and feels to me like a way to shut me up. I know this because i could hear from my room that after their discussion, they had sex. I found this to be pretty unthoughtful to be honest. They both knew how upset i was, yet they decided they would have sex to make themselves feel better? Mums alreasy told me that im 'ruining her little world' by creating family drama.

I know that the 'talk' my mum and him had was a complete waste of time and feels to me like a way to shut me up. I know this because i could hear from my room that after their discussion, they had sex. I found this to be pretty unthoughtful to be honest. They both knew how upset i was, yet they decided they would have sex to make themselves feel better? Mums alreasy told me that im 'ruining her little world' by creating family drama.

She is complicit in abuse and no mother to you.

Take mom and her feelings off the pedestal. She doesn't deserve it. She is an abuser as well only worse because she's encouraged the abuse of her own child .

Hanna J.

I am so angry that this appalling man can treat you in this fashion and worse still your mother is somehow blinded and not on your side. And be sure you are not the first girl, nor will you be the last, he treats/treated in this manner. The fact is he has always got away with it. Difficult to understand how your mother took up with this kind of individual in the first place.

Yes, I thought from the outset that you were in the U.K.

First things first. Phone the Samaritans on this free line (24 hours) 116 123. It is totally confidential, they WILL listen, no awkward questions and they will be able to signpost you to an authority or organisation who will assist you, also in full confidentiality.

The harassment (not to say assault) you are enduring is not acceptable in the U.K. but you must seek support.

You will find more here

Do NOT hesitate to phone, today, if possible.

Another thought: see a solicitor, also confidential. Explain the situation to him/her. You may (or not) have to pay for the consultation but the solicitor will know exactly where to signpost you.

Congratulations on getting your qualifications, and having a career.

You will do well out on your own.

Hey Hanna,

Just wondering how you have been. How have things been progressing? Just know you are in out thoughts and prayers.