refly8487 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 So my fiancé of 7.5 years has decided she isn't in love with me anymore so has broken up with me. Our situation is very complicated we have a 2.5 year old son & a recently purchased family home. At present she says her feelings towards me haven't changed & she doesn't have that spark for me anymore. I want us to try to work things out for my child & keeping the house. Recently things have began to improve with us discussing possibly going on a date & im also trying to convince her to go to couples counselling first by herself ( I have already been once ) then together when she is ready. So this will b 4 weeks on Tuesday since we broke up, she has told me she has been speaking to old male friends of hers that now she is single are all interested & asking her on a dates etc. She says speaking to them has made her begin to realise how special I am & highlight my positive traits. Then the bombshell, she says she maybe wants to go on a date with one of these guys just to confirm that I am that great. Which should help her be more open to trying again. I see this as she wants to see if the grass is greener before settling for me. Am I wrong to think that way. Anyway we had an argument where I said if someone else was to touch her I would be done & the house would be sold. I'm currently living at my parents paying all the mortgage for her. She has been enjoying the freedom of being single & not having anyone to answer too. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Enjoying the freedom of being single, whilst having you pay her entire mortgage...!!! I agree about ending the relationship and selling the house if she does start dating others, but would you be prepared to go through with it should that happen? Whatever, in this kind of situation I think it's always the best policy to do whatever you can to save the relationship, be as open and non-punitive as you can, and no games. If you can honestly say you've done your best... a) the relationship's more likely to survive b) if it doesn't, it's much easier to walk away from - knowing that you've given your all, and that it just wasn't meant to be But going on dates to confirm to herself that it's worth trying with you again... honestly, I've heard it all now! In fact, I think I might have an affair now, just to prove to myself that my partner's a great lover... Link to comment
Rustysuit Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 that's a tough one Seems like your fiancé wants to have her cake and eat it as well. She wants to experience single life without the worries of breaking up with you with a case of the GIGS on the side. She needs to deal with that by herself, but I find HIGHLY unfair to put you on the back burner "you're great, but I need to see what else is out there to confirm I love you". I'd say, find the rest of the self-esteem you can muster and leave her. Ofc, she can have doubts and I think that's normal, but the way she's treating you? She's taking you for granted. Complicated even more by a house and a kid. She should've known better. I really don't know what the best course of action is, but if you guys were a normal couple without a house or a kid, I'd recommend agreeing with her "Yes, time apart is great and exactly what I need as well. I don't know if I'm ready to settle for you before trying other women." and then move on. Maybe others will have better advice. You seem willing to work on the relationship, whereas she has a case of the GIGS. No matter what, she's not in the same level as you. SHe might regret it later - or not - but at this point in time, you're at different points. Maybe she'll come to her senses, maybe not. Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 GIGS = Grass is Greener Syndrome? I don't know if I believe in "I love you but I'm not in love with you" once you're married. She made a lifetime commitment! That means weathering the storms, and being willing to stay and work on how to get the spark back, which inevitably fades with time and requires a constant renewal. If you don't insulate your marriage and frequently invest into it, the efforts of the past will wear off with time. I don't mean that you've done anything wrong here, just that if she wants to be married she needs to actually be willing to work for it. It's not all roses and sunshine. Did she not know that? I'd honestly just remind her of her vows and that her loyalty should lie with you and your son, her family. Tell her you're willing to get counselling but you're not going to let her stray from the marriage just because she's reevaluating her commitment. Be strong and make your boundaries known. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 What a joke!! She wants to be with other men to confirm that you are better....wow...that has got to be the biggest line of bs I have ever heard. She wants to mess around with other men but have you sit there on the side and be fooled into believing that it's for the good of your relationship, but it's more so you won't cause a stir and she can come back if she doesn't like the man. But she is only testing the waters out and enjoys knowing that you will sit there in case her date goes wrong. Don't take that crap!! Tell her if she starts dating, then it is done and you will leave her for good! Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I think she's full of crap. She's behaving like a spoilt brat. If there wasn't a child this would be an easy call. Even with a child I think you're best to move on. The well has been poisoned. I suspect she's going through a period where she realises you're a good man, but she can't feel it for you. And if she doesn't feel it, as hard as it is, it's time to move on. Find someone that loves you, and will love you. Link to comment
Keyman Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Sounds to me like she has already been dating these men from her past and would like to see where they lead before committing back with you. Sorry, but i'd be putting the house up for sale now and start working on the child custody. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 It's over, OP. Anybody who truly loves you and wants a future with you doesn't need to date others to see how great you are. Does she think you are some kind of fool? She has already checked out and is trying to keep you on stand-by while she dates and has sex with other men. You need to consult an attorney and start working towards a formal agreement regarding your house and child. Link to comment
Lostinlove31 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Speaking from experience. Once they use "I love you but not in love with you", is a baf sign. In my humble personal opinion. She has most likely been talking to this old male friends for some time. These things don't happen over night. They build up. In this case I recommend doing 180. Start moving away from her and working on yourself. Do not try to win her back or engage her. She will use. Prepare for legal scrutiny. Document everything because you have a child. Link to comment
ginaloribic Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'm sorry to be so blunt refly8487, but the situation she has given you is absolute BS. You're no longer in the home you are currently still paying for, she quite openly tells you that she's talking to past male "friends" & that they're sniffing around looking for dates etc. THEN she tells you that she wants to try a dait with one of these guys as some warped way of deciding how great you are? I'm sorry, but I think deep down you already know the answer to this one my friend. Focus on your child & move on from the rest. Link to comment
ShatteredMan Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 +1 for what MissCanuck, Lostinlove31 and ginaloribic have said. This is done. Learn from what you've gone through and are continuing to experience. I have to ask: She was your fiance for 7.5 years? What kept you from pulling the trigger? Could she have some strong feelings about not getting married that are entering the equation here? Link to comment
Quidam Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 if you want her back... Man up and go full speed on this break up, put the house for sale, seek custody for the child and pack boxes. Act like a badass that does not accept being tossed around and only be an option trust me if shes 0.01% serious she will freak out and get scared of losing you. If not you will have cut the cord is a raw and effective matter. Trust me nobody that loves someone truly would put themselves in a situation where they could lose ''the one'' Link to comment
Giblesp Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Thats a horrible partner. You have to get away from her. I know its difficult with the child, but its better that the child isn't around this destructive energy between the parents, mostly emanating from her I'll add. If you are indeed paying the mortgage, she has to go. Who gets the child needs to be looked at, from the sounds of it I'd say you do. But thats something that needs to be worked out, dont give in to what may be unfair demands. She doesn't get the house if you are paying the mortgage. This will be a tough time I'm sorry to say. But its best to get out now, as she's being a total b#tch. Link to comment
Wolfshook Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 You let her live in your house?!?!??!!?!!!! Link to comment
Annia Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 What a joke!! She wants to be with other men to confirm that you are better....wow...that has got to be the biggest line of bs I have ever heard. She wants to mess around with other men but have you sit there on the side and be fooled into believing that it's for the good of your relationship, but it's more so you won't cause a stir and she can come back if she doesn't like the man. But she is only testing the waters out and enjoys knowing that you will sit there in case her date goes wrong. Don't take that crap!! Tell her if she starts dating, then it is done and you will leave her for good! This... please don't fall for this! Show some self respect. She won't respect you if she knows that you're there while she goes around other men to fill her ego while you're on the backburner. It's ok to fall out of love and to end relationships, but people should respect their partner and never treat others like safety nets or useful tools/cash cows. That's so disrespectful that I can't even. Her suggesting this shows that she's selfish and that you're in for hell if you stay with her and abide to her selfish demands. The audacity. Link to comment
j.man Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Jesus. I don't even put up with that whole getting kicked out of the bed ****, much less getting kicked out of the house. Agree. Sell the house. File for custody. Wish her the best exploring her new bachelorette lifestyle, but absolutely do not subsidize it. And for the love of all things holy, get out of your parent's house and lay your rightful claim to the house you secured and are entirely paying for. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 So, you pay the bills, while she gets to date other men, so essentially, you are paying for her to have a roof over her head while she sleeps with other men. Kick her out, while you move back in with the kid, and have your ex go live with her mom or something. Trust me, money and being her sugar daddy won't make her love or respect you more. You just come off as the patsy. You don't deserve this. Link to comment
Lisii Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 My exhb used the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you" line. Later that day I found out he was already cheating with a girl from his work. I agree with the others, save your self respect, tell her to leave. It wont be so much "fun" for her once she gets responsibilities, needing to pay bills, split child care etc. Reality will catch up with her. Sorry you and your wee kidlet are dealing with this. Concentrate on you and your child, take babysteps, don't discuss anything but child related stuff with her. Maybe get advise from a Lawyer or Family Law Group to see what your options are too. Best of Luck L. Link to comment
peterpiper777 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 It's over. She lost attraction for you aka not in love with you anymore. Her telling you that she wants "to confirm that you are great" means she wants to F around. But, she wants to rationalize it to herself so she won't feel guilty. I'm sorry but it's time to move on. Link to comment
Ian9000 Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 I'm going through the exact same thing. Only difference is I've been married for 4 years. And... The wife moved in with her parents. Whenever we got married had a kid and bought a house, i didn't know falling out of love was an option. But apparently it is and a common one. BTW I don't have a positive ending for you. I hope the wife has been faithful while going through this separation. It's been 3 weeks so far. I really hope it works for you though, this crap sucks, it wasn't part of the plan. Maybe the "eff it" approach will work for you, the working my butt off with counseling, space, and date night hasn't helped me at all. Good luck sir. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 So my fiancé of 7.5 years has decided she isn't in love with me anymore so has broken up with me. Our situation is very complicated we have a 2.5 year old son & a recently purchased family home. There have been a lot of good comments on your situation. But lets not put the "cart in front of the horse". Never make an important financial/personal decision during an emotional moment. Plan this out carefully. What is the situation with your son? Do you want to get custody, or do you want for her to have him? If you want custody, then you'll have to show that you're the more stable parent. You can't do that living with your parents. You will need to get control again on the house, and establish that you're the one taking care of your child (have proof). Document the crazy things that she's doing that are unbecoming of a parent. When the dust settles, someone is going to get custody, and the other person will be paying child support. If you want your son, go get a lawyer, and start the process of fighting to be with him. Link to comment
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