Should I be dating this guy?

Hey everybody!

So I'm in a form of dilemma where I'm in need of advice.

You see, I used to have this great guy as a friend. We were friends for four years, went partying together, I tried to help him pick up girls, and so on. We even slept in the same bed and he NEVER, not once, layed a hand on me. He was attractice, had a greatlooking body and a masculine face with straight features, but wasn't my type at the time.

We met in highschool, studying music and he was better than me so they had him teaching me. That's how our friendship started. I soon noticed that he was REALLY funny and easy to get along with, very well behaved and a real sweet guy that always showed me respect. SO we stayed friends but one time when we drank wine and a guy I sort of had something with physically, was there, we talked about having a threesome and (we were really young, just teenagers) ended up in the sme bed but nothing happened. We just talked and someone kicked someone on the leg or something for fun.

But when we woke up, he was gone and had left a note saying he wanted to end the friendship. I understood nothing but didnt bother him out of respect.

So time went on and we met by chance a year ago. We started talking and became friends again. He told me after a while that he was so in love with me back then (hey, I was a heavy metal chick with long black hair and leather pants. Who can blame the guy, right? ) but he never told me so I had no way of knowing. He said he went through a horrible ordeal back then, watching guys come and go and never did I consider him. He refused to go through that again gave me an ultimatum; either we became a couple or I'd never see him again.

Well, I suffer from anxiety and feel calm with him since I knew him as a good guy so I didnt want to see him go. So I felt I had no choice but to give him a chance, althogh I'm really not ready for a relationship since I've been really burned and have given up on love. But, I gave him a chance.

Now we get to the tricky part:

A couple of months into the "relationship" I was raped. At first I was impressed with the guy but after he had sex with me against my will, well...you can imagine. Someone found out about the rape and beat the guy up. My friends thought I had sent someone to do it, which I hadn't. It seemed they were more on the rapists side than on mine, although they saw how he treated me at the party where it happened. My best girlfriend seemed to feel sorry for the rapist and I ende hers and mine friendship. She even went to the police and told them I had sent people to beat him up as a revenge.

M didnt believe that I didnt want to have sex with him since I've been wanting to try rape play for many years ( common fantasy amongst women) and he has problems with trusting people and he knows I like rock guys and that I was impressed by this guy in the beginning. He doesn't seem to understand that something like that has to be with someone I trust and not a random rocker guy at a party. In many ways, he's like a child in the way he thinks. It's like he neevr became an adult.

Anyway, I was in an emotional strange state afterwards and when M came to my place and i told him about it, I seemed cold and distant, because I felt as if I was in some sort of chock.

He never really believed me about it and we broke off the contact. He even promised my one friend who both believed me and hated him for not believing me, that he wouldnt force me to say I wanted to have sex with the guy. Later that same night, he sat for an hour forcing me to tell him I wanted it and when I didnt, but almost started crying, he just walked off.

After that there was no contact for months, I was pretty much in bed for 7 months, crying and recouperating after the rape and losing my friends over this. (I broke it off with them, I couldnt believe they didnt believe me. They saw how he treated me and what would I possibly gain by lying about such a serious thing? I even had bruises along one side of my thigh that i showed them.) I slowly, slowly started to become my old self again, partly thanks to my REAL friend, even tough I really missed M.

He started putting letters or notes in my mailbox because he missed me and wanted to start seeing me again. Oh you better believe I yelled at him in those letters! I was FURIOUS! But never said anything that wasn't true.

He has ADD and can't take medications for it since they make him worse so he's untreated for it and he's a very special person. He has no phone, no cellphone, no computer, no tv (it's broken and he doesnt fix it), no internet and hardly any furniture at his apartment. He spends most of his time at his parents on the countryside and stays there for months on end. He's retired for the ADD so he doesnt work and he has absolutely NO interest in sex whatsoever. He suffers from erectile dysfunction and can only get it up while masturbating.

The upside about him is that he's VERY funny and I can tell he's intelligent although he doesnt fix anything, if something breaks down, he doesnt do anything about it, he just lets everything be, he doesnt even clean his place as he should. It's not extremely filthy but it certanly isn't up to my standard. He talks alot about things to do, like taking pictures of me with his camera or fixing a double bed so I can stay at his place, but it never happens, its just talk.

I'm asking you guys here today about this because I really like the guy but deep down I understand that this is a dead end. I'm not stupid, I get it; he's too sick to have a relationship. I'm sick myself with amongst other things, depression, and the other day a lot of things happened and I could use a place to stay over night. Of course he couldnt be reached since no phone and all of that (he's lost every phone he ever had, it seems, the ADD again) and I feel so... ANGRY! Where is he when the hits the fan? Nowhere to be found, hiding out at his parents place like a scared little rat! And then when he's been away for a while he comes back and expects me to be here to do fun stuff. If I'm in bed, tired and depressed, he's out the door.

There's another thing aswell:

I'm a sweet person, a christian woman and am trying to love people and live the best way I can but am I too sweet? I have a feeling that any other girl would have enough of this WAY back and that I'm too nice cause I know him and I know that he's not faking anything but he really has BIG problems with the ADD. He's even gotten the diagnosis manic depressive (bipolar) and schizophrenia so hmm. I doube he has allof that but ADD is for sure, he even covers his ears out in public when the chit chatter gets too much for him. And we're 40 and 41! Anyone can tell that's not a normal behaviour at this age, maybe a 5 years old but as an adult? No.

So, what should I do? Am I being too harsh? He is really sweet and well behaved but it really bothers me that he dissapears and I cant ever count on him being there when I need him. It's lke he still lives at home.although hes grown.

I guess I have to tell you that he's been smoking hasch for ten years and have been drinking heavily but have stoped doing that now. I'm positive that the substance abuse (which I'm funny enough, competely against partly because of my religious believes and partly because I have seen what drugs do to the human brain and personality) so I think much of his behaviour is because of this. Sure, he was weird in highschool to, but not like now!

Somehting else that I REALLY dislike about him, is that i have a credit card and he asks me to loan him for drinks on it. I've told him I don't lend out money for alcohol and that if it would be a different story if he was out of food or something acute like that but for drinks? Noway! Still I did it and havent got any of the money back. It's not a big sum, maybw $100 at most but still. What kind of guy lends money for his "date" to drink? get that its hard for hm to party without drinking since the alcohol softens all the chatter from people around but still, I can't pay for that. I'm just as poor as he is.

Then there's another question: The only type of porn he has home is regular and a alot of anal porn. He's told my gay friend he was goodlooking and his father is on his case about settling down and getting a girlfriend. He even asked me once if we could do it analy instead of regularly when we tried to be intimate. (I know, bad of me considering my religion, but I'm not perfect. I try though but sometimes I slip up.) He also talks alot about buff guys bodies, like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. He wants to be a macho guy, which he is in his ways but could it be a gay thing? His own friend said he came up from behind on him and put his arms around him so he said "What the hell are you doing?!" "Hey, I just want some affection" he replied. His friend means thats really gay cause a straight guy wouldn't do that.

I'm really confused, is he mentally ill, uses me for money, is damaged by drugs, a douche AND gay? Or does he treat women badly because he IS gay so he doesnt really care? WTH is going on here?

So..my basic question is: Am I right for feeling angry or am I over reacting? Is he a douche or is he okay? HELP? (And yes, I relise I'm old enough to not be in need od this kind of advice but this guy is just too strange, I canät figure this out.)

I've asked him about the gay thing and he becamse angry and almost cried. He seemed REALLY offended by it but maybe that's cause he can't admit it to himself?

Really, I am not even going to address if this guy is gay or mentally ill or any of that. It really boils down to this - he's toxic as all get out, and you keep letting him come back. That's why this is all happening, it really isn't any more complicated than that. You can't keep picking up a snake then being surprised when it bites you.

I do think you to examine why you'd cut other friends out of your life who took a rapist's side over yours, but let him keep coming back after he actually tried to force you to say you wanted that. That was sickening to read. This is the time to examine why you are letting this guy keep coming back instead of cutting him out of your life, because he like those other un-friends sounds like an absolute toxic nightmare.

And mental illness and his sexuality have nothing to do with that. His basic character and values or lack of them totally do.

Thank you! I needed to hear that, I really did. I've stopped letting him in this last week, been to depressed. But now I'm not opening anymore because I'm so angry at him. And now that you gave me this aswell, it feels like I've gotten energy in that I was right all along. He has done sweet things to, like telling my former friend that he thinks he loves me cause he thinks of me all the time but that's too little and thinking of someone doesnt mean you love them, only that at most you might miss them. So yeah, you'e absolutely right, I just needed to hear it from someone else. THANK YOU!

Ps; There's one and one reason alone, why I let him come back; Loneliness and anxiety. He treated me welll in my teens and that was reason alone for me to give him a special place in my heart. Bad move, even his own friends thinks he's an ass and have stopped hanging out with him.

He's OUT!

Thanks for helping me be strong!

Thanks for helping me be strong!

You're welcome. I've certainly been there myself, more than once before I finally learned. Most toxic individuals can be very charming and sweet, especially when they want something or maybe just because they aren't all bad, you know? But the problem is it doesn't negate the bad things they do or the mistreatment of others.

This is a lesson I think most people have to learn, so don't feel alone on that one.

No I've done a lot of thinking now, tonight, and I realised that every damned guy I've had, have been bad. I have nly had one good person in my lfe, which was my grandfather and he would take the guys I've had by the hair and throw them right out.

I also forgot to write that he accused me of being a (sure, I was a but that was in my teens, that's 20 years ago, not NOW. Now I've turned my life around since many years back) while he himself made a pass at two different girls during these 7months. When I wrote that in the letters to him, he replied with great anger he later apologized about, blaming it on being angry at something else and that I took the fall for it.

I'm actually wondering how his father treats his mother at home? He seems to look up to his father who is a real macho serbian dude so I bet he wants to be like him, maybe that's why he's so....mean? On the other hand he's just as horrible to everyone, his own friends left him for that reason. Apparently he had said he wanted to take pictures of his friends children- NAKED. Boy was he angry when I asked about that, completely denying it saying he meant black and white pictures of children in the nude doing everyday things and what was strange about that? I saw his point but still, VERY sensitive topic.

I hope he sits alone today on midsummers eve cause I will be celebrating with a REAL friend who hasnät had an easy life either so he treats me well.

Thanks again for your words, they make me strong.

No I've done a lot of thinking now, tonight, and I realised that every damned guy I've had, have been bad. I have nly had one good person in my lfe, which was my grandfather and he would take the guys I've had by the hair and throw them right out.

 

I also forgot to write that he accused me of being a (sure, I was a but that was in my teens, that's 20 years ago, not NOW. Now I've turned my life around since many years back) while he himself made a pass at two different girls during these 7months. When I wrote that in the letters to him, he replied with great anger he later apologized about, blaming it on being angry at something else and that I took the fall for it.

 

I'm actually wondering how his father treats his mother at home? He seems to look up to his father who is a real macho serbian dude so I bet he wants to be like him, maybe that's why he's so....mean? On the other hand he's just as horrible to everyone, his own friends left him for that reason. Apparently he had said he wanted to take pictures of his friends children- NAKED. Boy was he angry when I asked about that, completely denying it saying he meant black and white pictures of children in the nude doing everyday things and what was strange about that? I saw his point but still, VERY sensitive topic.

 

I hope he sits alone today on midsummers eve cause I will be celebrating with a REAL friend who hasnät had an easy life either so he treats me well.

 

Thanks again for your words, they make me strong.

 

Just to clarify: M didn't rape me. A guy at a party did. M just didnt believe I was raped.

Okay, he's back. He knocked on my door everyday and I got weak and opened. And now we're back. He's really sweet but I'm sick and need to sleep alot and the hours I actually CAN fall asleep, not when he thinks I should. He means well, he's trying to reset my day rythm to normal so I get up in the morning and sleep in the evening but my body doesn't work that way so I'm now exhausted and finally got angry, telling him "If you don't let me sleep now, I WILL get angry, lash out and won't stand for the consequenses." He got the message, let me sleep and took of back to his parents in a nice manner.

He also nags me about how I should eat better food, and sure, he's absolutely right, but I need to eat alot more to even function. He thinks I'm too hefty, I weight 116 pounds to 5'2 feet, which I get is normal but sure, I have a bit of a belly and my thighs have been smaller so I agree. I've been trying to lose weight for quite some time actually but the weight goes up and down. He also sees his own body as fat and is losing weight although I think it's enough, he's getting alittle too thin in my eyes. He's 5'8 to 176 pounds but it looks good, he doesn't need to lose any weight. Sure maybe get a bit more ripped but not much.

The weight thing doesn't really bother me since I agree with him and he's even started working out himself so he's doing something. THAT I respect. But a friend of his is really bothered by that he keeps nagging him about eating the right kind of foods. That friend is diabetic so he's right about that too, but it's also a matter of what one can afford. His friend and me are both financially strained and don't really have the energy to stand in the kitchen preparing food all day. He doesn't get that since he thinks it's fun to cook and is mostly at gis parents, eating their food. Hmm, now that I type it, it seems that he doesn't seem to be able to put himself in other peoples shoes. Like he can't see things from others perspectives. Both the sleep, the food and the rape, points to that.

So why did I let him back in? Well, he's all I've got. I'm alone and scared (anxiety sufferer)and don't have either parents or family to turn to. The "friends" I have are none that can be there for me when the hits the fan so to speak and since I suffer from anxiety, I need someone to be there. This anxiety have really put me in many bad situations, let me tell you. Bad relationships, bad friendships, dangerous situations and so on. I've actually lost everything I have due to the anxiety and had to start over, 30 years old. I just don't know what to do? Anti anxiety pills make me go to sleep and I can't be sleeping all day either. What I really need is somewhere to be to get away from the situation of being alone all the time and a situation with my neighbour that gives me even worse anxiety. (I've been harrassed by a neighbour for 3 years now and the landlord does nothing. I don't dare to report it or he'll get even worse.)

So I know I shouldn't be hanging with this guy but it sooths my anxiety when he's here.

cstore, I can't read your posts.

He came by today. He hasn't payed me back for the drinks. It's not alot, it's about 30$ but it's the thing itself. It's respectless. So I told him about it and he went almost weepy on me. I think this is pure manipulation, pretending to get weepy when he doesn't get his way. He's living pretty much of his parents, who are allowing it although the guy is 41 years old and now it turns out he's saved all of his money. So were both on disability yet he saves all of his money, doesn't buy furniture or even utensils and lives off his parents and now thought he could use me to? Oh H E L L no! So I gave him my account number and he WILL give me my money back! And he's out of my life. I don't want a scumbag like that around. I don't think I've EVER met such a manipulative person before. And I've known quite a few bastards.

So yeah, my friends were right about him and so were you guys. It's better to be alone and scared than with a person like him.

atleast you have to give a chance once ;

good god almighty, this thread is very difficult to read and very sad.

OP, please ban this man out of your life. I know you feel very lonely/like you have nobody to help you but he is an incredibly toxic person and is doing nothing whatsoever to improve your quality of life. He will continue to bring you down, down and down some more. He is an a-hole of the highest caliber.

You seem to be in a horrible situation. Do you not have any family - brothers, sisters, cousins - who can give you some support and help you out of the nonsense? You need some normal people in your life to drag you out of this abyss. The neighbor thing is ridiculous. If I was your brother, I would be visiting him with a baseball bat. Your friends are also absolute f*cking a**holes. Taking the side of a rapist? Please find some real friends

Thank you!

I dont wanna make myself out to be a victim here, more than I already have, but no. I don't have anyone except a gay friend that mostly thinks about getting laied and my wonderful church friends that I see way too rarely.

My parents think its too bothersome to have me in their life since I'm sick and "it's one crisis after another" which I fully understand so I haven't talked to them since 2003 when we made the mutual decision to end the contact. Luckily I don't have siblings. My mother didn't want children. She suffers from Aspergers syndrome and I suspect some form of mild retardation, so she suffers herself, the poor thing.

Today I saw he actually put the money in my bankaccount and put a bsg of fruit outside my door which is considerable of him but I think he realised he had crossed the line with his behaviour and that I've had it so he had to "step up his game" so to speak.

I'm just so full of anxiety (due to the neighbour, he's at it again today) that I can hardly function.

I need someone like you just described in my life: someone that tells my neighbour off and HELPS me, even if it's just for advice. Everyone around me are so chicken saying I should move. It's impossible to find an apartment in my town and I've found my dream place after 15 years waiting and have put all if what little money I had into it and I should move? Is there noone left out there that reasons normally anymore?

My friend may have solved the puzzle; My friend means that since he hit on other girls while we were apart, he's not really into me or he would treat me with respect. So he thinks that he's only interested in me cause I'm the only one he can get.

YES! It makes perfect sense since it explains why he would hit on others, get mad about it (I hit a nerve, knowing the truth) and why he checks out other girls while I'm right next to him. He also sees himself as better than others so for him to want this perfect ten (he's talked about a well educated model as teens, I bet he still has that same dream) while I'm a 6 at most, makes perfect sense! He can't do better than me and now he's losing me to.

Sooo.. I've solved it. Best thing I can do is to just..dissapear. That way he'll never know why, which will bug him like it did me.

Checkmate

Update: The guy's autistic.

That's why he stays at his parents, rocks back and forth when he gets overstimulated and puts his fingers in his ears, that's also why he has no empathy and can't put himself in my shoes emotionally. It actually explains it all. That's why he comes across as very arrogant aswell. The guy's a genious when it comes to playing drums to, that's his special interest. It also explains why he doesn't like sex and seems to think it's disguisting. It also explains why he gets enemies everywhere he goes and says the most inappropriate things and the wrong things for the wrong situation, he seems to lack social skills.

That's probably why his parents allow him to stay at their house so much aswell, they must know he's special and that it's better for him to be with them than to run around in town and get in trouble. (Like the time he was stabbed and almost died.) Would also explain why he uses drugs and drinks, many I know with autism or aspergers have a tendency for that, guess it's self medication.

So yeah, I've kept my promise to myself and haven't seen him for a month or more now, it's better this way. I got myself a friend instead, a woman this time, haha! No more guys!

So, hope this thread helped someone maybe facing a similar situation.