Healing after relationship with s.o. with psychological issues

Ok I try to summarize this as much as possible.

I recently went through a breakup of a relationship that lasted 1,5yrs. When I met him, I was really impressed with this person, he was very passionate, handsome, very social, and most of all funny, we laughed a lot together. It was just all bliss, I was the love of his life, he was deeply in love, he wanted to build a life together with me, etc. After a couple of months I started to notice some odd things, he could get really defensive about petty things. We would get into a discussion out of the blue, the kind that afterwards leaves you bewildered and you are wondering what the heck went wrong. Just for the context, I am not a disagreeable person at all, I am usually very laid back, I hardly ever get into discussions with people or get frustrated with people’s opinions.

As he had told me he had an anxiety disorder and was going to a psychiatrist for this (for many years already) I would just become more and more empathetic with his situation and really got sucked into it. In hindsight, I think there were more psychological issues at play.

Anyways, around 9 months into the relationship it become worse. Normal conversations about, for example, me wanting to stop smoking, or about politics, or sex, anything it would just end up in a fight, He would get into an anger fit, and stay it, jumping from one subject to another, he just wanted to be right. Once I gave up on whatever I was trying to explain, or even apologize for my part, he would still remain angry with me, he just couldn’t let it go.

After one big fight, he totally withdrew, I didn’t hear from him for weeks. We got talking again, and at some point we decided to try it again (big mistake!) and we tried for another half year or so, with ups and downs. The most frustrating was that it would go quite well for a while, but then he would start to withdraw again, and cancel plans one after another, it would always be because of an external factor, he would be ill, or his car was broken again etc.

It got to a point that that there was no way back, I was constantly taking the initiative. So I broke up with him, and as addicted as I had become to this relationship, I couldn’t go through with it and we tried again for a couple of weeks and then he broke it off. I was really angry, I had been investing so much into this relationship, my frustration had been building up for months, so I just yelled at him in that last talk.

Now it’s been a few months, there has been no contact at all and due to social media I found out he is dating a woman he dated just before he met me. So he moved on, which is good, but I can’t understand why I am not moving on. I am still angry, I can’t believe he is dating a person he ditched once to be with me. Why can’t I let go? I shouldn’t care.

Sounds like you to to attached. It didn't matter what you went through something in you got attached to him. He sounds like a and I'm a guy so I know when a guy is being an ass. He just doesn't have control over his emotional health. His lost and doesn't even know what he wants. I know it's hard to just move and and forget. Trust me I carry that same characteristic and it's always been difficult for me to let go of things and move forward but my advice as I'm in the same situation. Just keep your head up and do that makes you feel good like hobbies don't forget you're worth much more you'll figure that after you have slowly moved on.

Oh man, he's one of those hard-to-live-with types that argues about everything. Either he does it on purpose to get out of a relationships he isn't ready for or he really is that way, meaning it won't take long until the new chick dumps him or he her. You can't possibly live with a guy like that. He seems cold to, being able to move on so quickly like you were air to him. Remember: YOU'RE the normal one, its normal to get attached, he's the one with problems.

Oh man, he's one of those hard-to-live-with types that argues about everything. Either he does it on purpose to get out of a relationships he isn't ready for or he really is that way, meaning it won't take long until the new chick dumps him or he her. You can't possibly live with a guy like that. He seems cold to, being able to move on so quickly like you were air to him. Remember: YOU'RE the normal one, its normal to get attached, he's the one with problems.

Totally agree with this.

Move on. There's more drama ahead with this guy. Find someone who is consistent and doesn't emotionally abuse you.

You are the normal one. Let him take out his demons on someone else.

I hate to say this but I had a relationship with that kind of person once, and it was not just psychological issues. It was at least one part porn addiction, quite serious, and at least one other part of fondness for triangulation. For whatever reason, he couldn't be solely with one person at a time. There was always a third party, or maybe a fourth.

It is no reflection on you at all. It just isn't. And it's a shame that he couldn't be upfront and straightforward with you either about what he wanted in a relationship, or what he was thinking at the time. I finally understood in my situation that any absence or external factor usually involved somebody else. If that's true in your case, even *that* is not about you. It's about his inability to commit, and about his inability to be truthful.

There is so much investigation or research that you could do to understand what kind of psychological issues he had or why he behaves the way he did. The understanding is great, and at the same time, I would love to save you some time. It just wasn't about you. A person like that has a different set of issues to deal with. It isn't your fault that he moved on, and honestly, in cases like this, wherever there are so-called psychological issues, I think it's smart to take a little time before we do.

The rule of thumb from healing from any break up seems to be to just focus on your own self-care, and self discovery. This was a learning experience and a lesson, and I'm sorry that it hurt, because it's clear that it did. Where possible, remove the emotion from your narrative, and understand that at the most simplistic, this person you loved simply made a different choice.

We can't always know why they do. Just know that if there is no return, you will at some point have peace, and your right person will show up, and stay.

Thanks all of you for sharing your thoughts on this. It was clear to me after those series of fights we had 9 months into the relationship, he had serious issues with a want to control and emotional instability.

I think part of me is struggling with the fact that I didn’t call it quits right there and then. when he withdrew in those weeks after our fights. Around that time his mother also got diagnosed for breast cancer which, as he told me, triggered his anxiety severely. I really wanted to support him in that, it just gave me more reason not to end it.

As one of you mentioned triangulation, I read a bit about it, it is interesting. Around the same time he got very close to a neighbor who was going to a tough divorce, he was supporting her emotionally, as he was a good listener, and I think he thrived on giving advice. He was open about that contact, but I remember being confused about this, I didn’t understand he needed that when he was struggling with the illness of his mother, and the issues in our relationship, I guess it was already an indication that his way to resolve things is to focus on someone else.

It was the exactly what I yelled at him when he finally broke up with me, 'you are just going on to the next one, aren’t you?'

And so he did.

I do feel I am reaching a point I am done reading about what possible psychological issues he might be struggling with. I am getting tired reading about personality disorders which I have been doing in the last few weeks. I am starting to get some of the lessons I should be learning from this, as was mentioned as well.

Some of those are to rely on my instinct, to take someone behavior as the right indicator instead of his words, but most of all not to put someone needs above mine, at least not to the extent I did. Rationally I do know I am better off without him, emotionally I am not just there yet.

Yes I agree. Stay away from the research. You already know he has BPD traits. He sounds like the male version of my ex girlfriend who just dumped me and moved on. My heart is crushed. I was all in and would have stuck with her through anything.

Oh it takes time. A normal person doesn't just get over a partner like that, it's hard and takes the time it needs to and it hurts like hell depending on how much you liked them or how much you needed them. I'm fighting it myself at the moment and have done it before. One relationship got me so broken down it took 12 years to get over it and I STILL have nightmares about him. Sometimes (more often than not) one falls back to, get it to be an on again of again relationship. It's really hard to let go. We weren't made to ditch each other but to love each other.