It's Happening Again

Hey all,

Well, it's happening again. Yet another great girl is slipping away after a hot start and some self-sabotaging thoughts.

I've met a stunner online and we hit it off immediately. She's a conservative, catholic girl who reads at mass on Sundays and has strong ties to her family (old school Italian, still lives at home at 34 despite having heaps of saved cash from teaching for a decade). Within a month she met my parents (her choice), we slept together after that night she met ma and pa and we were completely smitten with each other. Some of my texts made me cringe they were so sappy haha but they were reciprocated. After our 5th date we deleted the dating app we met each other on.

After another successful date and a romp of note (by her own admission) she goes cold the next week. The following week she tells me on another date "sorry I've been weird this week..this all started so intense, it's scary, I'd like if we could slow down." That was two weeks ago and I haven't seen her since. One of those weeks she was "super stressed" because report cards were due and her dad fell ill so I sent her a care package of her favourite things. In hindsight, 'twas a total beta move. She didn't even call to thank me for it, she simply sent a text.

Anyway, she asked to hangout the Saturday before the package but I had plans with the lads (not going to cancel and make myself too available). I asked her out the following Saturday but she had plans with the girls. But now I'm struggling with confidence as she is gorgeous and her pulling away indicates a lessening of interest. I'm also fearful that she regrets giving it up too early (one month and seven dates isn't early to me, but it is to a conservative gal) and I'd hate to be the source of regret.

Our texting has all but stopped – partly because I want to make myself scarce – but she called last night and hung up on my voicemail. I returned it an hour later and no reply from her since. I'm debating going no contact, but is that an unorthodox move when you've already slept with her but you're not officially exclusive? Should I attempt one more date rendezvous, gauge her reply then decide on no contact?

I know this all sounds bleak for my chances of staying with her, but any pointers on how to salvage this would be appreciated. How could it start so hot and fizzle within two months?!

Thanking you all in advance...

She asked you for space so you send her a care package.

We very clearly indicated you shouldn't do that in the prior thread you posted.

So you called - did you leave a voicemail?

Stop with the alpha/beta stuff. Many women are incredibly turned off by that brand of masculinity; personally, I've stopped speaking to people on dating apps because they start showing signs of having taken the red pill/being into pickup artistry. I don't care if you're alpha or beta, I just want you to be a decent, non-creeptastic person. Sending that care package wasn't "beta", it was overwhelming. Big difference.

I'm not sure if it's entirely salvageable at this point, but I would leave a voicemail for her asking her to call. When/if she does, ask her out on a date on a specific day/time. If she can't do that, ask when works for her and go from there. If she declines, call it a day.

She asked you for space so you send her a care package.

 

We very clearly indicated you shouldn't do that in the prior thread you posted.

 

So you called - did you leave a voicemail?

Yup, I went rogue and sent one after her father fell ill and went in for heart surgery + the report card stress. I'll admit it was the wrong move based on her nonplussed reaction.

I didn't leave a voicemail, just like she didn't. Now I'm sat here at work wondering how to handle this like the overthinker that I am.

So you didn't leave a voicemail, and complain that her not leaving a voicemail indicates her disinterest.

Sending that care package wasn't "beta", it was overwhelming. Big difference.

 

I'm not sure if it's entirely salvageable at this point, but I would leave a voicemail for her asking her to call. When/if she does, ask her out on a date on a specific day/time. If she can't do that, ask when works for her and go from there. If she declines, call it a day.

Especially after asking to slow down, then I rev up with a gift at the door. As for your plan, it's my likely course of action. Leave a voicemail now and wait for her reply, it'll definitely set the tone going forward. If she's "busy" all weekend, I'll let her know to contact me if she changes her mind then vanish into no contact land.

So you didn't leave a voicemail, and complain that her not leaving a voicemail indicates her disinterest.

It's not the lack of a voicemail that leads me to think she's losing interest—it's the prior two weeks. The call actually gave me a bit of hope, unless it was breadcrumbs or a phantom dial.

Deleted. . . . . . . . . .

Deleted. . . . . . . . . .

I don't follow.

Her convictions are surfacing. It's bringing clarity to her conscious as to what type of man she wants to be with. I think that it's important for you to be you. If you examine your heart, what do you see? Do you see the perfect girl you want to pursue and "own"? Do you respect yourself enough to put her feelings first?

I will tell you this. You can shower her with all the gifts you can. Recite poems, romance her with dinners and lustful desires, but at the end of the day she seeks something greater. (from a relationship).

Best of luck.

Thank you, Scoe141. I'm certain I want to be with her, and will respect her boundaries as I haven't been pushing for a hangout or smothering via text. Being me has been a challenge, ironically, as WombatShadow pointed out I've been reading too much of that pick up artistry crap and here I am. I'm going to finish this post and call her out for dinner tonight or Saturday because it's what I want to do—not what a "gentleman's blog" suggests.

if she agrees: great! If she declines: I know where I stand and I go no contact to heal.

Now there's a CV one doesn't see much.

"She's a conservative, catholic girl who reads at mass on Sundays and has strong ties to her family (old school Italian, still lives at home at 34 despite having heaps of saved cash from teaching for a decade). "

So this conservative RC type sleeps with you after a month or so. What "regret" are you talking about? At age 34 I assume there have been other men before you?

Anyhow....

"The following week she tells me on another date "sorry I've been weird this week..this all started so intense, it's scary, I'd like if we could slow down." "

There's the old RC guilt kicking in.

Anyhow....

"The following week she tells me on another date "sorry I've been weird this week..this all started so intense, it's scary, I'd like if we could slow down." "

 

There's the old RC guilt kicking in.

Bingo! That's why I feel I may be the source of regret. She's def had sex before (boyfriends of 5 and 6 years plus she had 'preferences' betwixt the sheets). I absolutely feel the catholic guilt kicked in, especially when we stayed up so late on a Saturday she missed mass on a Sunday...then she went cold from that Sunday on.

Exactly what Hermes said. She probably regrets sleeping with you. Her fleshy desire got the best of her and now she's dealing with her convictions.

If you're not a strong Christian, then that's fine. Only you can decide what you want to do. I wouldn't start going to church in hopes of winning her over. You have to do what you feel is morally right in your own heart.

Just like your previous post I'll say it again - what burns hot, burns out fast. You sound needy, too over the top, pushing things along at 1000 mph and that burns people out. When someone asks for breathing space you again have a very unbalanced reaction to it - that's it, it's over or I'm not going to see them or contact them for two weeks. I mean it's just so unbalanced swinging from one extreme to another. Either you need to figure out how to turn the heat down and be more steady in your approach or you need to find a girl who is just as needy and intense as you are, so you'll both be happily attached at the hip.

Definitely drop the pick up artist bs. We do see right through it and it does make us cringe.

Shame she regrets something that I was clear about waiting on. It was three times over a two week span so it's not as if it was a one-off, drunken mistake.

Just like your previous post I'll say it again - what burns hot, burns out fast. You sound needy, too over the top, pushing things along at 1000 mph and that burns people out. When someone asks for breathing space you again have a very unbalanced reaction to it - that's it, it's over or I'm not going to see them or contact them for two weeks. I mean it's just so unbalanced swinging from one extreme to another. Either you need to figure out how to turn the heat down and be more steady in your approach or you need to find a girl who is just as needy and intense as you are, so you'll both be happily attached at the hip.

 

Definitely drop the pick up artist bs. We do see right through it and it does make us cringe.

I can't argue with any of this and I'll def bring these notes about myself into counseling I'm starting tomorrow. Although I'm not needy and smothering via text, I do tend to lay it on think when together. Shame. I really thought I had the right balance this time around but here I am licking my wounds again.

How absolutely appalling GF. It's sackcloth and ashes for you for keeping her from her duties.....

"....especially when we stayed up so late on a Saturday she missed mass on a Sunday..."

But you know what, I'd be more concerned OP at the fact she is still at home with her parents at age 34. That isn't "old school", it's something else. How odd that being this ardent RC she hasn't married by now. Did that cross your mind? Maybe the other men took off at a run and never looked back...for some reason.

Listen to me, OP. She may not regret anything. Some of these full-on RC types live a complicated inner life "I want it, but....I shouldn't". "Oh well, I can always blame the devil who told me go ahead anyhow".

I can't argue with any of this and I'll def bring these notes about myself into counseling I'm starting tomorrow. Although I'm not needy and smothering via text, I do tend to lay it on think when together. Shame. I really thought I had the right balance this time around but here I am licking my wounds again.

Needy isn't just what you do but your emotional state. It's what's driving you to push along fast, invest too much, attach too fast, put them up on an impossible pedestal (just read how you've described her). Thing is that you don't actually know enough about her to make the conclusions you are making. Even worse, you are actually attaching yourself to an image of her you've created in your mind rather than seeing the real person in front of you. Things to think about and discuss with your counselor.

But you know what, I'd be more concerned OP at the fact she is still at home with her parents at age 34. That isn't "old school", it's something else. How odd that being this ardent RC she hasn't married by now. Did that cross your mind? Maybe the other men took off at a run and never looked back...for some reason.

 

Listen to me, OP. She may not regret anything. Some of these full-on RC types live a complicated inner life "I want it, but....I shouldn't". "Oh well, I can always blame the devil who told me go ahead anyhow".

I want to hug you and I don't even know you! That is a glaring red flag to anyone that I mention her to. She's so close to her parents it's dysfunctional. For example, mamma opened the care package I sent and she said that's par for the course. Her mom reads her mail regularly. She also stays in a lot to be near them and fibbed to her mom about sleeping at my place claiming she was at her girl friend's place. Thanks for shedding some light on the inner struggle of a catholic.

Needy isn't just what you do but your emotional state. It's what's driving you to push along fast, invest too much, attach too fast, put them up on an impossible pedestal (just read how you've described her). Thing is that you don't actually know enough about her to make the conclusions you are making. Even worse, you are actually attaching yourself to an image of her you've created in your mind rather than seeing the real person in front of you. Things to think about and discuss with your counselor.

Pedestal. There's that word again and I'm definitely guilty of it. I take positives away from every relationship and this one is that I'm A) seeking therapy for my skewed views; and B) learned the importance of "taking it slow"

LOL. Goodfellas. You made me smile.

What I don't know about RCs could be written on the head of a pin. L.

Educated in an Irish Catholic convent boarding school, five years of it. Fortunately, me being me, it didn't affect me too greatly, and my family was far from conservative, and I left home at 20, although I had already left at 18, to go far away to college.

But the type you describe is classical.

Thanks, LaHermes, for helping me better understand the catholic mind. I have no doubt there's guilt creeping in after she got swept away too quickly. So now to lessen that guilt to prove "I'm not just into her body" as she fears.

Update: I called her an hour ago, she answered first try. Her class graduates tonight so a hangout was out of the question but I did suggest one of those dining in the dark dinners for Saturday. She said "sounds good, I'll let you know!" So I'm not getting my hopes up but I feel great she answered and we had good laughter and banter. I'm sure she'll decline but now the ball's in her court so I'm not contacting her until gives an answer. If she declines with a flimsy excuse, I'll tell her to contact me if she wants to hangout then go no contact. If she agrees, I'll keep my hands to myself and get to know this gal.

What's a dining in the dark dinner?

What it says Dahl. L.

Eating your food in the dark.

GoodF.

Is this an establishment with no electricity and one candle on each table. LOL.

What it says Dahl. L.

Eating your food in the dark.

Adventurous!