Feeling conflicted about this man

So there's this guy I used to talk to. Long story short it did not end well. The last thing he told me was "we do not need to speak" (which I thought was kinda petty). So I see him twice a week at the gym. When I first started seeing him about a year after things ended he made a point of waving to me and making weird hand gestures. I look at him like he is a crazy person because of how things were left. I don't tell people things like "we don't need to speak" unless they're stalking me. It was unnecessarily mean. It also makes me feel tense if I have to interact with him. Honestly I could have moved to a different gym but I don't like the idea of anyone chasing me from a place I was otherwise comfortable. So basically I ignore him. He still waves but the hand gestures have stopped.

 

I'm still kinda pissed off about the last thing he said to me. I really want to let it go but I haven't managed to do it yet. Its not for lack of trying. It was unnecessarily unkind and now he acts like it never happened. I've been restraining myself from calling him out about it hoping that eventually I would forget or that it wouldn't sting as much. That's not working. Should I confront him or just wait some more. I mean there's no way i could still be holding a grudge in ten years right?

when things don't end well, it is usually best to recognize you don't need to speak.

 

there is nothing outrageous about that statement. if anything, it's quite rational. unlike holding a grudge for ten years.

 

if you're bothered, ignore him. if needed, tell him you're not interested in any form of contact.

 

or switch gyms.

 

and preferentially think about why a perfectly normal cessation after a break up is infuriating to you.

i'm ignoring him. I've been racking my brain for months to figure out why I am still holding a grudge. The best I've come up with is that it hurt my ego. We were never ever on the same page. Even though we both speak English I always felt like we could have benefited from a translator. We come from different backgrounds and the class thing used to bother him. It didn't bother me until he kept bringing it up. Now it bothers me all the time. I hear things differently now. I'm self-conscious about my hobbies, my speech and my friends. I'm now very class conscious in a way I wasn't before and I don't like it.

You are holding a grudge because you didn't get to end things on your terms. You feel deep down there is something left unsaid.

 

Stop ignoring him and go right up to him and ask him why he is waving at you and trying to be friendly after the way he ended things. See what he says. Then tell him you are not interested in any type of friendship with him or to even be cordial towards him and then walk away and get on with your life.

 

This has already eaten up way to much emotional real estate. Take charge and put an end to it.

 

Lost

I mean there's no way i could still be holding a grudge in ten years right?

Yes, there is no reason for you to still be holding a grudge for 10 years.

 

You give no background into why he told you that there was no reason for the two of you to speak. Were you blowing up his phone or something?

 

Anyway, regardless YOU are the one that is suffering for holding onto this grudge. If you're going to continue to go to the same gym then do the mental work you need to do to get to the stage of indifference to this perceived "slight" you are obsessing on.

 

Know that zero contact is the best way for someone to get over a relationship (of any kind) so your grudge is just a huge waste of your energy and its only causing you negativity in your life.

then whatever shame you feel about class, speech, hobbies- work on that.

 

resenting him still for having deemed you below himself (if i understand correctly that this was the case, or was at least perceived to be so on your end) is only intended to project your insecurity outward.

 

if he could make you self-conscious in this aspect, others can to. if you feel this way after a decade, your sore spot is worse than you think.

Well....when you break up, it's normal to quite speaking to each other. You are no longer a part of each other's lives. So what he said is essentially normal and not at all offensive. The fact that you are allowing this to eat you alive for so many years is not about him or what he said, it's about you. Ditto for the self esteem issues and class issues, etc.

 

He didn't come along and wreck you, you were there before him and you are still there today. When a person has a strong sense of self, nobody is going to come along and turn your life upside down. When one doesn't, it's a bit like being a tumbleweed - every breeze, every utterance, every opinion will tumble you in different directions. It's not a good way to be or live, certainly not a happy way. So forget him and work on yourself. There are self help books, there are counselors, life coaches, therapists - all out there to help you get yourself sorted. So don't keep stewing, fix yourself.

The last thing he told me was "we do not need to speak"

 

Speaking only for myself, I don't find that to be particularly offensive. I'd have taken it to mean, at worst, that we don't need to try to play friendzies, which I'm not inclined to do with an ex, anyway, or best, that we don't need to discuss anything further about the breakup. Well, good.

 

So at face value to a neutral party, I don't see anything terrible about what he said, but I do see your reaction to it as overly charged. I mean, you can do that if you want--it's your own stomach lining--it's just that your choice of making this into a bone to gnaw isn't exactly buying you any happiness or peace.

 

I'd skip worrying about it, and I'd consider whether exploring new gyms would be such a bad idea. In holding onto this one just to spite him, you end up just spiting yourself. I'd change any ideas that I "can't" let go and move on from this into something more accurate: I "won't". From there, you recognize that you're in charge of your own decision, and you can make a better choice.

 

Head high.

First thanks for replying. I think I was ignoring the issue hoping it would go way on its own. It hasn't. Talking about it is really helping me work it out.

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