Boyfriend gets really angry over trivial things

Been together 4 years. You'd think by now, we'd have it together.

Last night at 4am I get smacked in my chest by him and he says angrily, " turn the TV off".

Yes, I forgot to nurture his obsession with the sleep timer on the tv. It happens; I'm not perfect; no one is.

This isn't the first time. I've said to him three times recently that if I'm asleep, a gentle nudge would be more effective than a smack to my arm or chest. He gives his reason as he's sick of me not putting the sleep timer on.

So now because I'm wide awake after being woken up like there was a fire, I watch the tv and he gets upset because I'm watching the tv to fall back asleep.

Then he goes on to tell me how our values are not in line. Because I forget the sleep timer occasionally?

Also, I like moving, cool air in these warm summer Connecticut nights and he'd rather just put a tiny fan on us rather than deal with the AC unit.

Again, my value of having a good night of sleep for myself and not being cheap by putting a tiny 12" fan on at night with the windows open is not in line with his value of saving money. I live in a condo near the beach, and as much as I would LOVE to have me windows open every night, as breezy as it can be at night/day, there's simply no cross-country breeze whatsoever. So he says it's nice out, and I agree, but there's no breeze coming into the windows.

It is my place and he doesn't contribute towards any of my electricity bills.

So now he's gotten up 2 hours earlier than normal because he's angry because he didn't sleep well. What about me not sleeping well? Continued to pack his things and said he is going to sleep at his house tonight because he can sleep however he wants there.

I make compromises when it is fairly decent outside and put the tiny fan on. And I do put the sleep timer on the damn tv but forget here and there.

Why can't he make compromises?

Btw, he's currently reading a book called "calming your angry mind".

I tell him how much I love him and hate these silly fights; how it ruins our peaceful time together, but he never says he's sorry and just goes back to his fit of reasons why he's angry.

He has anger issues about tiny things like this and it literally causes an argument every time.

Am I crazy? Am I missing something here?

Like, just be nice and gently jostle me when I'm sleeping. Why get so angry over insignificant things middle of the night?

He sounds like a ****bag based on the context of what's going. You should speak to him about boundaries surrounding reciprocity and if he can't wrap his mind around being tactful and nice to you then he can forever stay his ass at home.

Do you really want a relationship like this?

You are not crazy, he has serious issues. Unfortunately his way of dealing with his issues is to verbally and physically attack you. Yes, those hurtful slaps are a physical attack. He knows good and well what he is doing and he is doing it intentionally, so all your talking isn't going to do squat....as you already know.

He shouldn't be in a relationship, he should be in counseling and working on whatever is wrong with him.

You probably don't want to hear this, but you do need to leave him asap and before he becomes even more violent toward you. He already IS violent even if in your mind you are minimizing the situation. It's never easy to admit that you are being abused and sometimes you've been so slowly conditioned to accept that kind of behavior that it's hard to recognize it's happening because it seems "normal" even if deep down in your gut you know it's not.

He is abusive, sorry. It is time to turf his butt out.

Thank you all - I feel insane sometimes for the way he responds to situations.

Not only is he in the wrong here, but he is gaslighting you. If you're not familiar with this term, please look it up. (I'm not a therapist, but this is very much what this sounds like to me).

This does not get better, I'm sorry to say.

When we first went to bed, I had sprained my ankle and had an ice pack on it, I got up from bed to turn the AC unit back on and the ice bag leaked onto my bed. I asked him nicely to get up and help me change the sheets. He'd rather I slept in the sopping wet sheets (and chance ruining my mattress).

He angrily got up, barely helped to put the fitted sheet onto the bed, and then got back into bed without helping make the rest of the bed.

I couldn't believe the short temper and lack of support or empathy. Just laid there telling me to hurry up. Accidents never happen in his world.

Mimi. Read this again:

"You probably don't want to hear this, but you do need to leave him asap and before he becomes even more violent toward you. He already IS violent even if in your mind you are minimizing the situation. It's never easy to admit that you are being abused and sometimes you've been so slowly conditioned to accept that kind of behavior that it's hard to recognize it's happening because it seems "normal" even if deep down in your gut you know it's not."

What do you intend to do?

It will more than likely end. I can't spend another precious year with this person if he can't even say "I'm sorry" for these like-type scenarios without me asking him to apologize.

Not an excuse, but he had a horrible marriage and exacerbated separation so it's hard when I try to break his walls down to show empathy.

Lately I have been saying to him, " If you acted like this on our first date, I wouldn't have given you a second. Would you act like this on a first date?"

It's hard. 4 years committed. I know the answer is on the wall.

I read some where recently, that when you find yourself trying to explain the concept of empathy and minimal decent behavior to an adult, it's time to get out.

It shouldn't have to come to that and if it has, it's gone too far.

(I too felt crazy when I was trying to explain empathy. . never again. They either have it or they don't)

It's over, OP.

Neither of you has officially pulled the plug, but the love and care and respect left this relationship long ago. Yes, it's hard to walk away from a few years together, but it's a lot harder to walk away after 10 or 15 or 20 abusive years. Get out now before he seriously hurts you.

I get that after four years invested in a relationship, you don't just want to up sticks and leave. But continuing to stay in a relationship where you feel this unhappy is a bit like a gambler who's already lost a fortune, but keeps on gambling because they want to win back everything that's been lost.

It's a loser's game.

It will more than likely end. I can't spend another precious year with this person if he can't even say "I'm sorry" for these like-type scenarios without me asking him to apologize.

Not an excuse, but he had a horrible marriage and exacerbated separation so it's hard when I try to break his walls down to show empathy.

Lately I have been saying to him, " If you acted like this on our first date, I wouldn't have given you a second. Would you act like this on a first date?"

It's hard. 4 years committed. I know the answer is on the wall.

Does it occur to you that his marriage ended so badly because he is the ahole and the problem???? Given his behavior, he is not the victim, he is the perpetrator and he is doing to you what he has done before to his other relationships. You've lost 4 years of your life already, please please don't waste any more. Time is the one thing in life we never get back.

It's definitely not easy, especially if you love someone. You can't make people "feel" the way that you do or have them respond the way that you would. It's either in them or it's not. Lots of people have gone through some pretty rough crap in relationships and divorce but not all of them act like a total jerk in the next relationship. Some of them actually are thankful that they have found someone that is nothing like their ex.

Well, the one bright spot is that he's reading that book. At least that's an acknowledgement he has a problem.

Jerks tend not to change unless they experience loss. Maybe the loss of you will be the push that puts him in the right direction.

I have to admit, my partner requiring a TV be on to fall asleep would get old for me VERY quickly, he obviously handled it wrong though.

It will more than likely end. I can't spend another precious year with this person if he can't even say "I'm sorry" for these like-type scenarios without me asking him to apologize.

Not an excuse, but he had a horrible marriage and exacerbated separation so it's hard when I try to break his walls down to show empathy.

Lately I have been saying to him, " If you acted like this on our first date, I wouldn't have given you a second. Would you act like this on a first date?"

It's hard. 4 years committed. I know the answer is on the wall.

An apology does not make the behavior good. If you had a weak heart, a smack to the chest could have killed you. He is abusive. And did you ever wonder why his marriage was horrible? Did it ever cross your mind? I bet you can figure out now that it mostly had to do with his abusive behavior. When you leave him and i hope you do, it will likely be that he will say he had an inconsiderate girlfriend who wasted electricity, screwed up the sleep timer on the tv, etc and so forth. This man deserves none of your empathy nor your time

Oh, the best as of last week is that he has accused me of taking some "pot"ted plant from his yard. Ruined the entire weekend.

He hasn't apologized and said that he will not apologize for this because his property was violated. Add to that he said some pretty hurtful things like "every time you're around everything turns to ".

How do you even begin to blame your partner of 4+ years??? Every time something of his goes missing, I immediately get blamed!

I haven't spoken to him since.

His priorities are elsewhere if he's nurturing a stupid plant over nurturing our relationship. Everytime he had to go to his house to "cut the grass" for hours on end, or "check his mail", now I know what he really been up to.

Also, why keep secrets from me as well?? Another thing I can't accept after so long of a relationship.

I've made known to him for years how much I have wanted to further our relationship. This is just selfish, petulant procrastination.

Also, why keep secrets from me as well?? Another thing I can't accept after so long of a relationship.

I've made known to him for years how much I have wanted to further our relationship. This is just selfish, petulant procrastination.

You've had plenty of time to evaluate his worth as a long term partner, and it's clear that you are likely to have a very unhappy life if you do commit yourself to him.

This is not a relationship you should be looking to further. You can't change him. Hopefully there will come a time when you realise that his "selfish, petulant procrastination" is a blessing in disguise and means you can walk away from him without a whole legal mess to untangle.