I am not attracted to physical appearance of my boyfriend

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 24 yrs. We are both from the same college and dating for 2 years now. But the thing is I am not interested in his physical appearance although I like to spend time with him. We have lots of same interests. He is very caring, affectionate, funny and kind hearted guy but his appearance and mannerism always bothers me. He is lot skinnier than me and have a dark complexion, never dress decently and have an ugly haircut and beard. Simply he doesn’t know how to groom himself. In contrast I am totally different than him, I am not too fat but have a medium size physique with a fair complexion and fairly good looking and I like to dress well. We are not a matching couple in the outer appearance. But these differences between us always bothers me when I go out with him and feels insecure. He comes from a poor background and because of that his mannerism and personality is not good too. The way he talks, eats, dress and behaves is not polite at all and I really hate those when I am with him and I continuously complain about those. Most of the times I try to avoid meeting him in public and I feels discomfort when I walk with him. Of course I don’t have a sexual interest in him too. Because of that I lied him that I do not want to engage in a sexual relationship until marriage. Simply he is not the type of guy turns me on.

I asked him to change but he does not even try to change telling me that he cannot change the way he lived for all that 24 years. I don’t want to break up as I like to spend time with him and I like his good qualities. Also we both hope to apply for grad school in abroad together. I am confused about how I marry this guy in future and have a healthy relationship on these circumstances. I cannot fake my sexual life with him after marriage even though I lied about it now. How can I forcefully make my mind to like his physical appearance in a sexual way? I fear that after I break up with him I won’t met any other guy having those good qualities I prefer and things will get worse than the current situation. I am expecting that he will change eventually when he gets matured and everything will be okay. But I am not sure about that and I will be disappointed at the end if this wouldn’t happen. What should I do now? Should I consider breaking up or expect the things will eventually change in future?

How did you end up with him if you are not attracted to him? Did you think you could change him?

You said that you are fairly good looking, so there should be no problem in finding someone new, but like you said the next guy may not be as sweet as your current bf.

Looking back at when I was your age, most of the guys were trying to find where they fitted in the world, and passing their subject... most while at uni/college were not hung up on how they dressed presented themselves... change happened when they started their first job. Most of the guys filled out by their late 20's, and now all the geeky guys are a whole lot better looking than the popular guys....

Beauty is only skin deep and I think you get that with what you have written above, how would you feel if he was thinking the same about you?... that you fussed too much on your appearance, that you should lose weight... ??? not a great feeling.

personally it sounds like you have friend zoned him. When you love someone you love them warts and all.

Good luck in your decision... maybe someone else can be of more help.

L.

It is a huge, massive, tragic mistake to hang on in a relationship waiting and hoping that the other person will change. In the case of your guy, there are things which he really cannot change... like the colour of his complexion....

Let this guy go, so he can find someone who appreciates him. As it is, you are using him and lying to him. When we truly love a person, they become beautiful to us no matter what they look like, but this is clearly not happening for you.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to look a certain way in public; what IS wrong is that you've chosen someone whose standards are different and are then trying to change him. Image is obviously very important to you, and there are plenty of guys around who'd agree with you - go and find one!

Subconsciously, it sounds like you've friend zoned him. Time to move on.

We share lots of same interests including our hobbies and music taste etc. and it was really fun to be with him, that's why actually I started a relationship with him. In other way I feel like this is more of a problem in me rather than in him. I don't feel in that way (the way I mentioned in my question) all the time. Somedays I am fine with him and I can really enjoy the time together, But in some days I am repulsed by him. That resentful nature is more like triggered by the people around me and their actions. For a example when I meet another guy who is more appealing than him or when i get to know that one of my friends is dating a handsome guy likewise. I am always comparing him with other guys i met. So this is more like a problem in my mind and all these frustrations are caused by unstaibility of my mind and low self esteem. Is their any way I can fix this state of my mind?

Frankly, the way you write about your BF isn't very attractive and I'd address that before getting involved with men.

Leave him so that he can find himself a nicer person.

We share lots of same interests including our hobbies and music taste etc. and it was really fun to be with him

He sounds like a great friend. But you're not attracted to him; being attracted to someone if you really connect with them is not necessarily related to physical appearance. I know I've felt attracted to some men who were positively plain when you looked at them - but the chemistry was right.

If you haven't started feeling more deeply for him by now - by which I mean that other guys, or friends' boyfriends, would be completely irrelevant - it's not likely to happen. It just sounds as though you're trying to force yourself to be other than you are, as an alternative to trying to force him to be other than he is.

Don't stay in a relationship where you find the other person repulsive, and are giving him spurious reasons as to why you won't have sex with him. It's not fair to either of you.

Where building up your self esteem WOULD be useful, though, is in having the confidence to go into the future and see where it takes you, rather than clinging on to someone else like a safety blanket.

We share lots of same interests including our hobbies and music taste etc. and it was really fun to be with him, that's why actually I started a relationship with him. In other way I feel like this is more of a problem in me rather than in him. I don't feel in that way (the way I mentioned in my question) all the time. Somedays I am fine with him and I can really enjoy the time together, But in some days I am repulsed by him. That resentful nature is more like triggered by the people around me and their actions. For a example when I meet another guy who is more appealing than him or when i get to know that one of my friends is dating a handsome guy likewise. I am always comparing him with other guys i met. So this is more like a problem in my mind and all these frustrations are caused by unstaibility of my mind and low self esteem. Is their any way I can fix this state of my mind?

You're lucky to have someone that is comfortable with being themselves and not appeasing to you trying to modify him.

Do the right thing and break up with him so he can find someone that values him for what he is. If he wants to change that should be his decision not yours.

You have a ton of work to do.

It is a huge, massive, tragic mistake to hang on in a relationship waiting and hoping that the other person will change. In the case of your guy, there are things which he really cannot change... like the colour of his complexion....

 

Let this guy go, so he can find someone who appreciates him. As it is, you are using him and lying to him. When we truly love a person, they become beautiful to us no matter what they look like, but this is clearly not happening for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to look a certain way in public; what IS wrong is that you've chosen someone whose standards are different and are then trying to change him. Image is obviously very important to you, and there are plenty of guys around who'd agree with you - go and find one!

Considering all the matters I can let go of most of the things I mentioned except the sexual interest. Actually i don't him to be completely changed including his complexion. I don't have much problem with it but the thing bothers me most is the size difference between us. He is lot skinnier than me and that's the biggest barrier in our sex life. I feel like I am too big when I am with him. So i started to lost weight in order to be matched with him. I told him to workout too and gain some weight. he started initially but did not continue for long time.

Personally I believe that making changes in ourselves to fix the problems in relationship is better than breaking up. No one is perfect in a relationship and matching 100 percent so we have to change our defects for the sake of relationship. That's why I try to fix things but i feel like he is not taking any effort to make changes or cooperating with me. There are the certain things we enjoy passionately so I really can't let him go easily without even trying to fix things.

Is their any way I can fix this state of my mind?

Perhaps you could start by being less judgemental. Do you yourself look like Angelina Jolie?

I'm kinda confused as to how and why you got together in the first place. Physical attraction to a long term partner tends to rise and fall but in your case it seems you never had any. I'm my opinion it shouldn't be a deal breaker in most cases but since it was never there maybe in this case it should be.

Would you want to be with someone who is embarrassed of you and finds you unattractive? Someone who lies to avoid being sexual with you?

There's nothing wrong with not having sexual chemistry - it's natural that a lot of guys you meet, some of them really great guys too, you won't feel that sexual attraction.

Where you are going wrong is trying to force this. It's super unkind to him to be stringing him along when you feel as you do.

Try imagining your bf saying what you are saying about him. How would you feel? "I'm lying to her so I don't have to have sex with her. She's too big, too pale, she comes from priveledge so her mannerisms make me embarrassed to be in public with her.". Pretty harsh, isn't it?!

That's why I try to fix things but i feel like he is not taking any effort to make changes or cooperating with me.

Why should he? He's happy as he is, and isn't the one with the problem. Though I have to say, if I were in his position I'd have gone by now.

If you want to lose weight for yourself, that's fine. But insisting that he gains weight so you don't have to feel bad about yourself is hardly fair, is it? Nor is getting resentful because you feel he isn't changing to suit your needs.

Sure, in healthy relationships we will make compromises for the sake of the relationship, but you are talking about something far more fundamental than that here. In healthy, mature relationships people accept each other exactly as they are without needing to change their partners to fit a mould decided unilaterally by one of them.

The only thing you can fix here is yourself, and it's not about the mindset around finding your guy attractive either. It's about self esteem, boundaries and what you can reasonably expect of another person; and these would be issues you'd have to face no matter who your partner is.

The other thing is that even if he were to change, you would likely still feel he isn't good enough....

Considering all the matters I can let go of most of the things I mentioned except the sexual interest. Actually i don't him to be completely changed including his complexion. I don't have much problem with it but the thing bothers me most is the size difference between us. He is lot skinnier than me and that's the biggest barrier in our sex life. I feel like I am too big when I am with him. So i started to lost weight in order to be matched with him. I told him to workout too and gain some weight. he started initially but did not continue for long time.

 

Personally I believe that making changes in ourselves to fix the problems in relationship is better than breaking up. No one is perfect in a relationship and matching 100 percent so we have to change our defects for the sake of relationship. That's why I try to fix things but i feel like he is not taking any effort to make changes or cooperating with me. There are the certain things we enjoy passionately so I really can't let him go easily without even trying to fix things.

Are you trolling us?

You're trying to fix SOMEONE not SOMETHING. How do you think this all makes him feel?

Two years is a good amount of time and by now I should hope that the non-superficial traits have started to take control and that you love him for everything that he is. If not, stop trying to force it, be fair to both of you and find someone more compatible to your superficial needs. But first, take the time to work on yourself, look at your dealbreakers and evaluate them.

Perhaps you could start by being less judgemental. Do you yourself look like Angelina Jolie?

This is a good point, as being judgmental comes from a place of low self-esteem. The criticisms people level at others also beat on them, from within their own heads. If you accept yourself without beating yourself up, it's much easier to accept others as they are, and make accurate assessments as to whether they chime with you or not.

If I had to guess, there's no lack of attraction to his wallet.

It's not this guy's fault you can't attract men who have both the personality and looks you're after. Seems like you're the one who needs to change, not him. After all, in your eyes, he's the one who bagged the prize, not you.

Leave the poor guy alone and work on being a whole lot less nasty. It's not exactly endearing.

... Should I consider breaking up...?

Yes.

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OP, you're being awful. Do you see that?

I see you're insecure about your weight. Not his problem. That's yours.

Let the poor guy go. He deserves better than this.

To be quite blunt the only thing needing changing is you. You have this skewed belief that he needs to change to make you feel better. It's rude leading him on and telling him what he needs to do to 'better' himself. You sound like you could use an inner beauty tune up yourself because if your looks are all you have to offer, that's not attractive.

Break up with him.

Lisa