What do I Do?

So my partner (E) And I have been together a while now and we got engaged last year and booked the wedding for next so. After getting engaged we moved in together and everything was fine (or so I thought) a while ago she had been on a night out and got home in the early hours and went to the loo and her mobile started ringing....it was her ex.. obviously she didn't answer as wasn't in the room but then messages started coming through from him. The next day I asked who was ringing her because it woke me up and she said it was her friend trying to get her to go back out. Knowing she was lying I did the stupid thing of looking through her messages, nothing seedy but they had obviously had a good chat and there was another call between them that lasted 20mins. This guy destroyed her mentally and she 'hates him' not knowing what to do I left it and said nothing.

Since then I have found myself looking at her phone more often as I feel there is still an element of doubt in my mind. Nothing between them 2 but there are messages from a group of friends saying she hates living with me, doesn't know if there's going to be a wedding, and she recently went to stay at her mums for 2 weeks to dog/house sit while they were on holiday and one message read that she didn't even miss me.

I'm heartbroken, I love her to bits and would do anything for her. I can't confront her about the messages as that could completely ruin the relationship if she knew I'd been snooping.

Before anyone jumps up and says I'm in the wrong for looking at her messages - I know I am and I hate that I've been doing it

Sorry to hear about that, nothing worse than something like that hitting you out the blue.

Maybe say that you need a chat with her and say you've been picking up some vibes from her that she's losing interest?

Don't mention the phone thing.

Sorry I should have said, before she went to her mum's I sat her down and tried talking but she just shut me down and admitted she wasn't herself but said it wasn't me and that she didn't know what it was. There were similar messages the same prior to her going to her mum's though which made me speak to her

hi.

sorry to hear this.

yes, you looked her phone (which some people say as wrong) but that does not put right what she has said on there.

get rid of her and move on. you deserve someone who a)doesnt belittle you to her friends and b) doesnt keep in touch with her ex.

shut all feelings down for her and move on.

even if you dont find someone else you wont have this two faced woman stabbing you in the back.

good luck

hi.

sorry to hear this.

yes, you looked her phone (which some people say as wrong) but that does not put right what she has said on there.

get rid of her and move on. you deserve someone who a)doesnt belittle you to her friends and b) doesnt keep in touch with her ex.

shut all feelings down for her and move on.

even if you dont find someone else you wont have this two faced woman stabbing you in the back.

good luck

There's no need to mention the phone, but you do need to talk to her.

Tell her that you're picking up all sorts of clues that your relationship isn't working for her, and that it would be madness to continue with wedding preparations while she's feeling so uncertain. Then cancel all the arrangements, hopefully before you've parted with too much money.

It's not just that she doesn't miss you and apparently doesn't like living with you - but she isn't prepared to talk about her problems and actively lies to you. Some degree of doubt or concern is normal in relationships, but with a relationship that's likely to last, you'd be able to talk about them openly. You've tried to talk, she shut you down. That guarantees that any problems she has will stay unresolved.

None of this is a recipe for a happy future together, and you need to disentangle yourself and let her go.

I think the biggest problem I'm having is talking to her and maybe she's the same.

I have a fear of the relationship ending but I know without talking that's inevitable. She is or I thought was my soul mate and before living together things were perfect I guess I just don't want to lose her

I guess I just don't want to lose her

I really feel for you, and your story is such a sad one - however, you haven't really GOT her in any meaningful way, have you? She's presenting one front to you and a totally different one to everyone else - she is not the person you hoped she was.

I think that could be it or there is the other way round where she is saying it to her friends so they don't think she's soppy.

We haven't had a 'sexual' relationship since February. We have never had a major sexual relationship anyway but that was down to her working days and me nights which meant we didn't see a lot of each other. I knew then we were struggling and spoke to her and it transpired it was because we weren't seeing a lot of each other (from a whole relationship point of view) And so I have now changed jobs so we spend more time together. Damned if I do damned if I don't.. .

Damned if I do damned if I don't...

Unfortunately, this is what happens if you're in a relationship with the wrong person.

And, honestly, do you think she'd be saying all this just to stop her friends thinking she's soppy...? Really? I guess I've known guys who would put up a whole bravado act about not caring for their partners when they're with their macho friends... but in all my hundreds of years on this planet, I have never, not even once, met a woman who did. She's saying it because she has doubts which she isn't sharing with you.

Sorry.

Unfortunately, this is what happens if you're in a relationship with the wrong person.

 

And, honestly, do you think she'd be saying all this just to stop her friends thinking she's soppy...? Really? I guess I've known guys who would put up a whole bravado act about not caring for their partners when they're with their macho friends... but in all my hundreds of years on this planet, I have never, not even once, met a woman who did. She's saying it because she has doubts which she isn't sharing with you.

 

Sorry.

Vampire? Immortal?

Joking aside. Nutbrownhare is right. This sounds like a recipe for disaster OP. The morality in looking at her phone can be argued all day, invasion of privacy, but you felt something wasn't right and sometimes the circumstances warrant some digging around. I'm not saying it was right, but had you not, you wouldn't have realized what's going on til much later and much to your detriment.

She's betrayed your trust and her words and actions are congruent based on what your saying, that she's lost interest and doesn't want to live with/marry you. I would suggest you get out immediately, don't postpone this, break it off and start to mend.

I'm a great respecter of privacy and would normally condemn anyone for going through someone else's phone. However, the OP had good reason to do so, knew she was lying and this was immediately confirmed.

There are much bigger issues here than intermittent invasion of privacy.

I don't think you want to just break it off as is suggested here. It might be logical and rational but these matters do t usually follow logic and reason.

So.. don't do anything rash like breaking it off before you really mull it over. If she's already having doubts and issues expect that to really be final

I'd suggest you meet with a councilor or some kind and get these issues out so they can be worked on.

So bit of an update. We spoke, I didn't disclose I had been looking at her messages. She again did not give anything away really but said she didn't know why she was feeling unhappy but she wanted to work at it. So we are going on holiday in 3 weeks and hope the break away together will do us both good.

I have been checking her phone every now again just because of what I found last time and this morning found some messages being relayed between her and another guy, he has been quite rude/dirty in the messages he has sent her but she just laughs them off and at one point when he suggested she went round she told him no because she is not a cheat - should I be concerned by these?

Wow buddy I feel so bad for you. But I also can not believe how much you don't respect yourself and how you let someone treat you. You are honestly completely out of touch with reality and are fantasizing that this relationship can somehow work out with a little bit of relationship work or some vacation time. The bottom line is that you have already lost her. She is telling other people that she doesn't want to get married and is chatting with other men? Take a step back and look at reality. You are trying to logically explain why you don't have a very sexual relationship. She said she doesn't want to get married. She doesn't even communicate this to you. And shes chatting with her ex and other men. Come back down to earth buddy. I agree with some of the other posters. If you want this woman's respect at ALL (clearly she has lost it for you) then you should walk away and let yourself save the future heartbreak that is inevitable with this woman. If you don't walk away then I want you to read this in a few months because here is what will happen. You will go on vacation with her. You will be romantic on the vacation and have a great time. Then you will come back and think everything is amazing! Within a few months she will revert back to this behavior and will one day drop you like you never even mattered. Or, you can walk away and let her know that you found out everything you mentioned and that you do not accept someone treating you that way. By doing this, you communicate that you are a man that has boundaries and that she has crossed them. She will beg you to get back together and that will be your decision. Or she won't care and that shows how she really feels about you. From then on if you get back with her you will always have to worry about her losing attraction for you and if you don't catch on like you have this time she will leave you in the dust. Best to just move on and find a woman that treats you and loves you like you deserve to be loved.