I just need the general consensus on this one

​I started dating a girl I hadn’t seen in twenty five years, and since then she had children, and I’ve fallen in love with the youngest, her little girl, who adores me too. We started spending a lot of time together, and talking on the phone as well. She would come down and spend weekends, and bring her daughter with her which Ialways was very happy about. It all sounds like a fairytale doesn’t it? So what’s the problem, and why am I posting?

Well, we both drink, and had in the past. I’m the last person who’s gonna come down on you for your drinking or other habits unless I feel they’re becoming detrimental to you,myself, or a child. Aside of that, I’m all for a little partying and letting loose on the weekends. However, these past two weekends, I started noticing thingsI didn’t like, and were red flags in my book. The first weekend we went to apublic swimming pool that I had gone to ever since I was a kid. She was drinking before we went there and apparently on the way there too. While we were sitting on a bench watching her little girl swim, we both got up and followed her daughter over to the diving area to be sure she was safe. She then panics and starts saying, “Someone stole my purse, quick, go tell them someone stole my purse!” So I go look at the table where we were keeping our things,and all around that area. Then finally, like a light bulb going off, I decided to just look at where we were sitting before her daughter wanted to swim over to the diving area. There sat her purse on the bench right beside where she was sitting! She had totally no recollection of it. Then we’re leaving the pool to go cook dinner, and were going to stop at the grocery store the next town over on the way home to pick up a few things. When we get to the store’s parking lot and are going to get out of my truck to go inside, she realizes that she’s barefoot, and starts asking me, “where are my sneakers!?” I said, “Get back in the truck, I know where they are.” So we return to the pool, ask to be let back inside, and sure enough, there they were beside the table we were sitting at. It’s embarrassing. I did look at her then and ask, “Are you OK, is something wrong?” and she got mad because I said that. And all the while her 9 year old little girl is taking all this in.

So I let it go and we got back to the house, and I was beginning to start dinner. Well, she says she’d like something to drink to go with dinner and for the rest of the weekend.Again, my not being a “party pooper” said sure, and we made a quick trip to the liquor store and bought a bottle of rum. Well, I had a few shots mixed with Coca-Cola while cooking, and her daughter was watching TV with her. Little did I know that she was making repeated trips to the counter and the fridge for ice and a “refresher.”In any case, the night progressed, we ate dinner, and I sat down to watch a movie she rented on demand, and being that I had worked that whole day earlier,and had just eaten, after sitting down I became sleepy and fell asleep in the recliner. However, at 1:00 a.m. , I was awakened to her arguing with someone on the phone. So I said wow, it’s this late and you’re fighting with someone on the phone? She got pissed and said “don’t interject when you don’t even know what the hell I’m talking about! Besides, so much for watching the movie with me, I told you three times to go to bed!” Well, that really upset me because for starters, we’re in my house! So I got up to get a glass of water, and saw the bottle of rum I had just bought at 6:00 p.m. that evening sitting on the counter. I picked it up and lifted it to see how much was still in it. There were about two fingers left in the bottle! That’s when I went back to the living room and said, “Now I know why you’re acting the way you are; you’re drunk!” and she just grumbles about it. So I went to bed, but not very happy. She also had a pint of vodka in her purse. Well, the next morning I got up to make breakfast for her and her daughter. I was making bacon and pancakes, and as I went to the trash can to drop egg shells in, I notice the empty pint of vodka!

So I brought all this up this afternoon after work, and we got in a huge argument about it. Well, she says it’s over, she doesn’t need my . And as much as it hurts me to not see her little girl again because we had become so close, I told her I felt the same way, and that I won’t tolerate being with a drunk, and that it’s terrible that she’s doing this around her daughter. Then I texted her back and asked if we could please just try to work things out because I couldn’t bear not seeing her little girl again. She said angrily, “No this is done!”

Do any of you think I made the wrong decision? Deep down I don’t think I did, but it hurts like hell. Anywords of wisdom, or advice?

What do you mean you fell in love with her daughter?

I have to agree that you did go overboard with the daughter and it does sound slightly creepy. I mean, you've only been dating a very short time and seem to be getting far too emotionally involved with the daughter.

But back to the issues you wrote in about, she is a drunk, she is irresponsible, she is selfish and she does not give a damn. This is not a person at all that would be good for a partner. She needs to go to a detox center!!

As for the daughter, if you are so concerned, ring social services and have them check in on this situation, but for anything more, don't step over boundaries OP, you are sounding a bit too close for comfort with the daughter.

Just what I said. As in a fatherly type of love, the same way your father felt about you. Please don't take something out of context and make it ugly.

What I am trying to make you aware of OP, crossing lines with others children can be misconstrued and it's something you need to be very very careful about.

This woman does sound extremely irresponsible and she is no good for a partner, that is very clear to see, but someone should be ringing social services in this case to let them know that she might be endangering the daughter, or at the very least give her a talking to and suggest addiction counselling.

But when it comes to the daughter, you need to be careful. I realise that some people do get attached but it is something you need to unfortunately let go of. If you try to push it, it will get messy and as I said, can be misconstrued.

What is wrong with you people? There was nothing "creepy" about anything. I've known this girl for 25 years, and because I say her daughter and I got along well, all of the sudden it's made to look perverse? She also has a son who's twenty, and another daughter who is 15. I get along very well with them too. I suppose that's creepy too. Can we please stick to the matter at hand or simply don't comment. Thank you.

I did comment on the matter at hand. I am being honest with you and trying to not be offensive but rather, honest.

I will stick to the main issue then, this woman is a drunken loser and is no good for dating.

End of.

Oh my God. Can you get off the daughter thing?! Nothing is or was misconstrued. My friend (her mother) had no problem at all with anything, and we did a lot of nice and very normal things together, all three of us. The only problem that arose, is when I told her about her drinking and how I disapproved of it. I really can't believe this; I ask what other people think or how they'd react to a situation like this, and all I'm hearing is this crap about her daughter. Obviously I'm not going to be seeing either of them anymore because I don't like the lifestyle she's exposing her to, but that's not my decision to make so that's where it ends.

hi just read this post.

this woman is a drunk. you're well out of it.

as for her daughter, unfotunately your involvement is conditional of having a relatioinship with her mother. this should not happen because she is an out of control dunk.

if you have concerns about her daughter being brought up by a drunk report your concerns to social services.

otherwise i would put this all down to experience.

good luck my friend, and i hope you find happiness.

BDW.

"Anywords of wisdom, or advice?

It doesn't sound good, OP. This woman has a serious drink problem and may well be an alcoholic. Also, drunks are angry people and can turn aggressive. And it will affect her three children too, not to mention the bad example. I take it the father of the children has some say in how they are being brought up....

IMO she should be reported.

I don't know what else you can do.

I wish people wouldn't come on here and ask for advice, then get all defensive and rude about the advice being offered. OP, you made the daughter a big part of your post. I don't think anyone is saying that there was actually something inappropriate in your relationship with the daughter, but obviously more than one person--myself included--thought the way you were talking about her seemed a bit much. It's more a sad commentary on our society than anything. Just something to be aware of, not something to get defensive over. Don't bring anything up in your posts you don't want people to comment on.

As for whether you did the right thing, I think so. Obviously, she isn't ready to face this problem. I suppose you could have just let ot go for now and waited to see what happened but that likely would have just lead to more situations of you dealing with an angry drunk woman, and that's a dangerous path...

Krankor. What's happening IMO is that (of late) there is too much "trigger-happy" stuff in responses to this or other OPs.

Responders should READ the OP's post, not just this OP, but any others. ALL the post, not just the first sentence.

The OP used a turn of phrase, probably without even thinking, and one person's "a bit much" is another person's quite usual.

I do agree with you Krankor on this:

"It's more a sad commentary on our society than anything"

Op: It was irresponsible for her to introduce you to her daughter and include her in on your 'dates' like she did and I hope that in future, if you date someone with children that you will refrain from meeting the children until its been established that you and their mother are going to be able to make a good solid go of it.

You did the right thing by breaking up with this woman as she is definitely not a good partner for you or anyone else with her addiction and her crappy attitude in general. Sadly, now that you have been involved in her daughters life to such a pre-mature degree, the daughter is going to grieve you no longer being in her life and having been (hopefully) a semblance of normalcy to her.

Bottom line and in my opinion: You did the right thing breaking it off. You did an irresponsible thing by becoming part of the daughters life too soon into dating and before you knew enough about her mother to find out that she's not a good choice for a partner.

hi just read this post.

this woman is a drunk. you're well out of it.

as for her daughter, unfotunately your involvement is conditional of having a relatioinship with her mother. this should not happen because she is an out of control dunk.

if you have concerns about her daughter being brought up by a drunk report your concerns to social services.

otherwise i would put this all down to experience.

good luck my friend, and i hope you find happiness.

Thank you. It's sad, but then nothing in life is always sunshine and rainbows. I'm a two year survivor of pancreatic cancer, and thought this would have been a nice thing reconnecting with someone from my past, but as it turns out, not so much.

It is lovely to reconnect with people from the past bdw, but not THIS particular one from the past. So glad you have survived such a serious illness and best wishes for your continued recovery.

Usually terms like "fall in love" are reserved for romantic feelings, and you describe this woman as your friend and the breakup devastating because you cannot see the little girl. Most of your post focuses on the girl and how your friend's drinking affects this girl.

I don't think this is an issue of a sad commentary on society. Even as a grown woman who isn't up against the issue of suspicion with children, I wouldn't write about somebody else's kid or even my own like this. Maybe saying: "I always wanted children, and I really became a father figure to this child--I am concerned about their well being" would get the message across if there is really no foul play here.

Also, most of your threads you have started over the past 14 years have been about extremely large age gap relationships, so don't mind me.

Ditto, Lily. I was only going on what you wrote OP and you did mention the daughter many times.

No harm meant though.

And I think it is wonderful that you survived cancer. It is a devastating illness and you must be a very strong man to have overcome it. That being said, don't waste your precious life on a woman who is too selfish and too caught up in alcohol to be any kind of decent partner.

Usually terms like "fall in love" are reserved for romantic feelings, and you describe this woman as your friend and the breakup devastating because you cannot see the little girl. Most of your post focuses on the girl and how your friend's drinking affects this girl.

 

I don't think this is an issue of a sad commentary on society. Even as a grown woman who isn't up against the issue of suspicion with children, I wouldn't write about somebody else's kid or even my own like this. Maybe saying: "I always wanted children, and I really became a father figure to this child--I am concerned about their well being" would get the message across if there is really no foul play here.

 

Also, most of your threads you have started over the past 14 years have been about extremely large age gap relationships, so don't mind me.

You know what, after what I've just been through in my life, and the blessing that I'm even still alive, the last thing I'm going to worry about or put up with is justifying myself or the wording of this post to you or anyone else.

This post was about the sadness I felt as a result of the dissolution of something that started out as very nice and uplifting in my life due to drinking. As I said, what I've been through was not only physically difficult but emotionally devastating as well. I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to someone take something that was decent and turn it into something vile and suspect because of my wording! And then you bring up that because I dated women with age gaps in the past, the inference is made once again that something vile had transpired. And I as a grown man am not up against any issues of suspicion with children! How dare you! And most of the post was about how the drinking had ruined the relationship completely.

I'm done with this and I'm not going to feel like I have to explain myself to someone like you. Since cancer it's been a very difficult time reconnecting with friends and I came on here just to vent my feelings of sadness that this had happened. But of course there'll always be people like you who revel in making others out to be wicked or evil and then pick them apart when you don't even know them. Here's a thought, unless you do know someone, don't accuse them of something or insinuate that they're doing something despicable. Just don't comment at all.

Krankor. What's happening IMO is that (of late) there is too much "trigger-happy" stuff in responses to this or other OPs.

 

Responders should READ the OP's post, not just this OP, but any others. ALL the post, not just the first sentence.

 

The OP used a turn of phrase, probably without even thinking, and one person's "a bit much" is another person's quite usual.

 

I do agree with you Krankor on this:

 

"It's more a sad commentary on our society than anything"

LaHermes, I think SherrySher was just being honest that OP kind of inadvertently set off a weird vibe with his post; I felt it and others did too. As for myself, I never thought that he had some sort of inappropriate feelings for the daughter, but I just found it odd that he seemed almost more focused on that relationship than the relationship with his girlfriend. It wasn't just based on one line.

I don't necessarily blame OP for not liking the implication, but what I thought was rude and defensive was the way that even after SherrySher dropped the subject and answered OP on his terms he wrote a third post railing against her. It's like; dude, she's dropped it and is trying to help you. You are the only one still harping on this.

Thank you Krankor, I sincerely appreciate that. And you are right on all points. I did not mean it in the way OP took it. And I meant no harm.

I read the posts like everyone else and get a sense of what was written and give my honest evaluation and advice on ALL points and even those that the posters might not want to hear. But it's not meant to be attacking.

bdwii, I hear ya, cancer is a monster and I, nor anyone else will ever know what you faced. I recently lost one of my best friends to cancer and I went through the whole devastating journey with him, so I know what it all entails.

As I said before, I find you a very strong person to have come out the other side and I do sincerely hope that you keep getting better. Please do not stop posting. We are all human here and we try to give the best advice as we can. We are not always correct but we are honest. There is very good people on this site, and the advice given truly is meant to be helpful and yes at times it can be harsh, but again, we are all only human.

I hadn't realised Lahermes launched an attack on my comment and I just would like to remind everyone that all who post on here have a right to an opinion. You might not agree with it, it might not be what you would have said, or you might think it is totally out of left field, but none the less, it is their opinion and they have a right to voice it.

I personally try to be respectful to others opinions, even if it isn't my own. After all, this is what this site is all about, getting different opinions and we all think differently.

I don't think it's necessarily my right to attack someone else's opinion. I have slipped from time to time, but for the most part, I do feel everyone has a right to their say without being attacked for it.

I hope we can remember to be respectful to each other's differences.

This lady has a serious drinking problem, and I think it would be bad to continue a relationship with her.

As for using the term "fell in love with" to refer to a child (or anything else, really). I've heard it used around here (NJ). It's used for emphasis, not perversion. Some people just phrase things differently.

Good heavens, K.

"You are the only one still harping on this".

On what, K? "this".

One is free to comment you know, like everyone else on here, and I am a little surprised at what you say.

Please PM me if you feel I have offended YOU in any way.

Thank you Jibralta.

"Some people just phrase things differently".

Good heavens, K.

 

"You are the only one still harping on this".

 

On what, K? "this".

 

One is free to comment you know, like everyone else on here, and I am a little surprised at what you say.

 

Please PM me if you feel I have offended YOU in any way.

That wasn't directed at you, LaHermes, I was just talking about OP's responses. I wasn't offended by anything you said.

Outside of everything already mentioned, please carefully consider your involvement with other peoples children.

Not suggesting anything was inappropriate here and you had the best of intentions. . .

But besides the loss you now feel not being able to see this child again, imagine the child's loss when men

who otherwise could be viewed as father figures come in their lives, only to disappear.

It's detrimental to the child.