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I'd love some advice on this one...

 

Okay, i've posted a lot of drama elsewhere on here, but just to give backstory: with a guy 7 years on and off, super crazy in love/best friends/crazy chemistry. But we worked together and we were both going through messy divorces; his was messier and he ended up going back to her when we broke up. I got a new job. We got back together after his divorce was finalized, but he clearly needed time alone and was acting like a teenager - he hadn't been single since his teenage years, so this wasn't surprising. It was a tearful goodbye and I said I knew we had a chance down the road. He agreed and btw, I know he loved me (that's not in question).

 

Fast forward to March, I get back on social media after a few months' NC. He immediately pings me and is writing harmless stuff all over my page, kinda flirty. My bday rolls around in May and he sends me 2 dozen roses and chocolates, plus an amazingly sweet message with our inside jokes. Clearly not a confusing move; you don't send two dozen roses if you're "just a friend." But things didn't get clear. We started some back and forth but I posted a stupid pic that looked like I was with a guy, without thinking; he immediately unfriended me and deleted his comments on my stuff. It hurt so bad; I reached out and asked him why he deleted me, not thinking of the photo. He said it was an error and added me back, and I explained the pic - but nothing's the same since.

 

He's quit posting, quit commenting on mine. But he still goes on late at night and likes my FB photos every couple days. Also, I wrote him a direct message telling him I missed him and was sending him a hug. He responded that he thinks about me all the freaking time and sent me a hug back - that's it. Didn't ask me out.

 

Recently I've suspected he's back with his ex - but I have no proof (just snooping her FB to see pics of her looking super good, and like she's super happy and his aunts are commenting on it). I've written stories around this being the real reason he's shut down talking to me on social media...but I don't know. I just want to know, why the flowers and nothing since? Is he really with her, or is he assuming I'm with someone else? This has all happened since I posted that pic, seriously it was that very night. Can't believe it took me a minute to figure it out.

 

I've gone back and forth and my two good friends say I should just write him and ask the truth, or ask if he'll meet me for a beer. Last time I tried this, soon after our breakup, he turned me down (it was too soon). What do you guys think I should do? Is it worth reaching out seeing as he's not giving me any signals right now? I feel like he should be making it clear he wants to see me - but I did the breakup, and also he may very well be trying to give me space, thinking I"m dating someone else.

 

What do y'all think?

 

Thanks in advance, sorry I'm so posty but this is really confusing to me right now.

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Yeah, i hear you, but we were together (more or less) for seven years, and in all honesty I'm still deeply in love. This wasn't a flash in the pan; I was married for 10 years and even that didn't have the emotional impact that this has. I agree that finding someone emotionally and mentally stable is a good goal. That's where i was when I went NC, and was feeling much better. But it's hard to let go. I just can't shake the feeling that it was all due to me sending wrong signals/us not communicating directly that caused this. I guess I'd like to break through that and try direct communication. But you're probably right that he's not a healthy enough person to meet me halfway on this. Thanks for your input...I'll think on that.

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Blue you've got to stop beating yourself up. If all it takes is one pic with a guy friend to write you off forever I don't think he's in a place emotionally where he can maintain a healthy relationship. You already reached out saying that you missed him which 98% of the time translates to I want to see you. You can certainly reach out but ask yourself this first. If he says no will you be devastated?

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Yeah Jigga, too true. And to think I was telling you the same advice yesterday...sigh. My friends just confused me, they haven't weighed in until now and they know the situation. They believe I deserve some kind of answer and some clarification and should take the reins and ask for it. But you bring up a great point: if he says no, how will I feel? Will this set me back even more? Ugh. Thanks, this helps and I need to just sit on this for a while. I have a 24-hour rule (normally) about writing any emotional messages at all. I"m also seeing my therapist tonight, which helps! Thanks again for this.

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I know what you mean about your friends but here's my take. Relationships seldom end with all the loose ends tied and everything wrapped up nicely and neatly. The truth is that we all want to have answers but sometimes we don't get them. What I do know is when you force the issue it seldom results in the outcome you want.

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Were you two dating while still married? Were the 7 years all during the time you two were married? He went back to his wife but then proceeded with divorcing her?

 

I'm confused.

 

Anyway, I think if you try to get him back you'll be in for more of the "teenage" drama he seems to love. Unless you love drama too, I'd stop looking in the rear view mirror and start looking ahead instead. I get that you love him, but you actually can fall in love with someone else, someone who isn't into teenage drama.

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Yeah, thank you both. I'm day 3 NC, btw - round 2. I guess I should leave well enough alone, and just figure he'll break down walls if he really wants to get my attention. Chances are he really is with his ex; it would explain how he looks so unhappy right now, and why she looks so happy (she always wanted him back and made that clear, and would do things like show up to every family event, insisting they were "still her family." Guess it's best I stay away and let it go. Ugh, thank you.

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Sorry boltnrun - yours came up after I responded. Yes, that's true he was still technically married but separated, and so was I (and living separately). It's actually why we broke up at first - I needed time alone to heal from my divorce, and he was dragging his feet, which I finally figured out was, as you say, some high school drama - literally. We had fallen totally in love and since we worked together, we made the decision to try and stay apart. He and his soon-to-be ex had known each other more or less since high school; I think that originally they both agreed to date other people after she cheated on him more than once (I know, healthy, right?). He never intended to actually meet anyone he would fall for, but I came along and he was head over heels. We actually steered mostly clear of each other for months. More than one coworker noticed us chatting constantly, and rumors started, so luckily I was slated to change project teams and it came at the right time.

 

We *mostly* stayed apart until things were final for him; I steered clear the entire last 6 months before his divorce. He called me up when it was supposedly final (now, I doubt that) and said he couldn't wait to see me. We began dating quickly and finally had a "free" relationship...well, it never works out that way with recently divorced folks, does it. He started acting weird, refused to repaint the rooms she'd painted pink in his house, told me I was pushing him too hard towards marriage (I wasn't pushing him at all!).

 

So I broke it off, told him it seemed like he needed time to heal himself, and that was last fall.

 

I feel like you're right about the teenage drama, because that's where he seems to be stuck - back in high school, where he met his ex(?) wife. I think he has a lot of healing still to do. Thanks for listening, and for offering your two cents. That helps.

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