Boyfriend got another woman pregnant

Hi,

I'm new here, not posted before so hopefully this is in the right place (and I can figure out how to read responses!)

I'm in a really tough situation at the moment and could do with some advice.

To give you a bit of background, my partner and I have been together for 4 years living together for 3 of those. We are also just about to buy our first property. Both 28 years old.

Last September, he ended the relationship after we'd been arguing a fair bit saying we wanted different things and he wasn't happy. He moved to the sofa for 3-4 weeks then moved out. We did speak during this time but nothing 'romantic'. We have a dog & he carried on seeing him.

A week after moving out he slept with someone else he knows as an acquaintance from his old school. Fast forward to November and he contacts me saying he had made a massive mistake and realised he should have talked things through and not thrown it all away etc etc. A few weeks later we get back together and a few weeks after that he moves back in.

In February whist I was on holiday with friends he got a call from the girl he slept with saying she wasn't going to contact him but her family persuaded her too and told him that she was 20 weeks pregnant with his child. He told her he didn't want a child like this and asked her to terminate, he offered to go with her and support her if she needed it (I'm pro choice FYI). She refused and said he doesn't need to play a part and she's happy to do this on her own as she had originally planned.

3 months later he finally tells me after panicking about how far we are getting with our house purchase.

Obviously this was a massive shock to me and my initial reaction wasn't very calm but after taking time off work and talking 5 days straight I decided that he hadn't cheated as we were broken up and as the decision to have a child had been taken out of his hands, I'd stand by him.

Things have been okay from our relationship perspective but this is eating me up and I'm devastated. We will never ever have our first child together. His view has remained the same that he doesn't want to play a role in the childs life however will of course pay following a DNA test should he need to.

Has anyone been faced with a similar situation? Can this work? Baby isn't born yet.

Lots of moving parts in your post.

You asked if this can work. I think the only two people that can answer that is you and your BF. It can work but it can also fall apart. Remember that it takes two to make things work so I would highly suggest couples counseling to get any issues out in the open and out of the way.

But that's only the short term. Remember that this child is going to be in YOUR life and your BF's life for as long as you are with him. The mother of the child can say now she doesn't want him to do with the child but in time that can change, and she will all likely file for child support. Depending where you are that can be up to 40% of his take home pay not including half of the childs medical care, schooling and such. If you two were/are planning on buying a house together then how will 40% less of his income work for you? Are you two going or planning to get married? Can your income be used in Child Support payments? Say you make 50k and he makes 50k and you two get married, in some states the mother or legal guardian of the child can re-file for greater support payments. Would you be prepared to be financially responsible for your husband's 'mistake'?

I think and its just my opinion that the added stress of a child from your boyfriend will be an added stress that you probably don't need. Is this guy worth the stress and the sleepless nights and arguments?

The one who can answer that part is you.

20 weeks pregnant and ask to terminate pregnancy?

He slept with somebody he know after a week breaking up and had unprotected sex with his old flame.

So many red flags with his character.

This similar happened to my co-worker. Their still together and got pregnant with her boyfriend. Boyfriend visits and take cares of both kids.

Once the baby is born. What could happen. You could be the second person in his life. He could fall in love with his kid and want to spend all the time with the baby. Not to mention the financial cost that this will take from relationship with child support payments for 18 years.

If you want to be with boyfriend. That's all great but you need to remember the responsible that come into this. Your signing up to a mother figure once the baby is born.

Yeah that 20 weeks and asking her to terminate doesn't sit right with me at all. I do think, legally, the woman should have the choice (though, personally and on a strictly moral level, that's where I start teetering), but that's when terminations start to very reliably inflict some substantial psychological wounds. Not that I don't think I'd ever be comfortable asking a woman to abort, but I couldn't dream of asking one to undergo an abortion well into the second trimester.

Additionally, ASSUMING he's the father (I'd definitely wait on the DNA results were I in his shoes), it speaks volumes he's willing to step out of the kid's life.

So, personally, I'd be concerned about his astounding lack of empathy, but I suppose if it's the fact your first child together potentially wouldn't be his first, that's just something you'll have to reflect on and be honest with yourself with. We all have our thresholds.

We are also just about to buy our first property.

First off, if I were in your shoes, I would NOT buy property together. That is off the table now.

Second, this relationship has issues that include the baby, but there is much more to be looked at.

He bailed because of arguing and he wanted different things and wasn't happy. That's huge. There are different ways to handle these challenges, and he showed that his choice was to turn his back on the relationship. Not counseling. Not finding different solutions. Not working on conflict resolution. It wasn't impulsive, he had 3-4 weeks on the couch to reconsider.

He had unprotected sex with someone, and sounds like there was no discussion beforehand about birth control and "what ifs". (And possibly no testing for STDs?) Big risk, big gamble, irresponsible. Fun, yes, but irresponsible when you are talking about your future and that of others. A possible new life. Health. I hold the belief that the person you chose to have sex with, even if it is only once, should be a person you could share parenting with on the off chance a child results. That means you should get to know the other person well, and that takes time, observation, trust.

Another 3-4 weeks and he want's back in with you. BUT, what about the brokenness of the relationship? What about the different things that he wants and his unhappiness and his tools for handling that? What has changed? For him? For you? Change takes time and work. But don't buy property together. That is putting the cart before the horse. Or buying a cart without a horse to pull it.

He is willing to reject his child, and let his child grow up with that rejection. That is huge.

Things are NOT okay in your relationship. If you want to work on it, be sure you are on good birth control, both of you get tested for STDs, and start couple's counseling.

I would absolutely stop any house buying cold at this point. You have way way way bigger issues going on and do not want to add being tied to a property together on top of everything else.

As already pointed out, his conflict resolution was essentially to run away. Then run into someone else's bed, not use protection and knock her up. That in and of itself speaks poorly of his character. The fact that he wants nothing to do with his child....honestly I can't quite get past that one. He is not husband, father, or even boyfriend material and he is showing that to you. He is not going to become the man you want just because you buy a house together, get married and have a child of your own. He will still be the same callous, selfish creature. I know it's easy to say, but in your shoes, I'd be leaving him. This whole thing would leave me cold.

I would absolutely stop any house buying cold at this point. You have way way way bigger issues going on and do not want to add being tied to a property together on top of everything else.

 

As already pointed out, his conflict resolution was essentially to run away. Then run into someone else's bed, not use protection and knock her up. That in and of itself speaks poorly of his character. The fact that he wants nothing to do with his child....honestly I can't quite get past that one. He is not husband, father, or even boyfriend material and he is showing that to you. He is not going to become the man you want just because you buy a house together, get married and have a child of your own. He will still be the same callous, selfish creature. I know it's easy to say, but in your shoes, I'd be leaving him. This whole thing would leave me cold.

Completely agree. Doesn't seem like he a strong man in terms of character from this "house on fire" of a situation you're in because of his choices and actions.

Buying houses, adopting pets and vacationing together are not indicators of how a couple will function in a marriage, as responsible homeowners, parents or companions through the ups and downs of life.

Do anything and everything you can to get away from this guy and DO. NOT. LOOK. BACK.

I would absolutely stop any house buying cold at this point. You have way way way bigger issues going on and do not want to add being tied to a property together on top of everything else.

 

As already pointed out, his conflict resolution was essentially to run away. Then run into someone else's bed, not use protection and knock her up. That in and of itself speaks poorly of his character. The fact that he wants nothing to do with his child....honestly I can't quite get past that one. He is not husband, father, or even boyfriend material and he is showing that to you. He is not going to become the man you want just because you buy a house together, get married and have a child of your own. He will still be the same callous, selfish creature. I know it's easy to say, but in your shoes, I'd be leaving him. This whole thing would leave me cold.

Totally agree!

OP, he has shown you who he is, not it is time to act. Get out!!!!

First off, if I were in your shoes, I would NOT buy property together. That is off the table now.

 

Second, this relationship has issues that include the baby, but there is much more to be looked at.

 

He bailed because of arguing and he wanted different things and wasn't happy. That's huge. There are different ways to handle these challenges, and he showed that his choice was to turn his back on the relationship. Not counseling. Not finding different solutions. Not working on conflict resolution. It wasn't impulsive, he had 3-4 weeks on the couch to reconsider.

 

He had unprotected sex with someone, and sounds like there was no discussion beforehand about birth control and "what ifs". (And possibly no testing for STDs?) Big risk, big gamble, irresponsible. Fun, yes, but irresponsible when you are talking about your future and that of others. A possible new life. Health. I hold the belief that the person you chose to have sex with, even if it is only once, should be a person you could share parenting with on the off chance a child results. That means you should get to know the other person well, and that takes time, observation, trust.

 

Another 3-4 weeks and he want's back in with you. BUT, what about the brokenness of the relationship? What about the different things that he wants and his unhappiness and his tools for handling that? What has changed? For him? For you? Change takes time and work. But don't buy property together. That is putting the cart before the horse. Or buying a cart without a horse to pull it.

 

He is willing to reject his child, and let his child grow up with that rejection. That is huge.

All of this, including DancingFool's post. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to stay with a man who instantly rejects the life of an innocent child. It speaks VOLUMES about his character, especially how he settles conflict with you... by running away. This is not a man who is ready for cohabiting in a relationship. You need to have a partner who can hold disagreements in a healthy way instead of bailing before agreeing to live with them.

Please dump this dude.

[/b]

All of this, including DancingFool's post. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to stay with a man who instantly rejects the life of an innocent child. It speaks VOLUMES about his character, especially how he settles conflict with you... by running away. This is not a man who is ready for cohabiting in a relationship. You need to have a partner who can hold disagreements in a healthy way instead of bailing before agreeing to live with them.

 

Please dump this dude.

Agreed! In another 20 weeks or less, the child would be born. A good man would not buy property with you - will admit the mistake of sleeping with someone else and will do what is right - getting to know his son or daughter and deciding what is best for the child whether that means to sign off rights so they can be adopted, whether that means he is going to be the best dad he can be without being with the child's mother or if that means he wants to try dating the mom and giving it a go. You are very small in the picture right now, or should be. You should be broken up or should be taking a break. The child will be here soon and because he is doing none of those things - then i wouldn't be waiting around for him to settle into the father role and find out if you want a relationship with him. It speaks to his character that he immediately ran into another woman's arm with no condom. But are you sure this was someone he just met and wasn't someone he had been having an affair with for quite some time?

At any rate, you are better off breaking up and don't buy property with someone unless they are a platonic business partner or a husband.

Are you happy to be with a guy that doesn't want anything to do with his child? Only pays because he has to. I wouldn't be happy if my partner did this. Who says they wouldn't do this with our kid?

Also terminating pregnancy at 20 weeks? I'm pro choise all the way but at that time the woman has made their decision and depending on your locaction it's just not allowed.

The decision to have a child was taken put of his hands? Well... he could have used a protection or his hand so this could have been avoided. Hope you got tested.

Anyways, no he didn't cheat. Yes it can work. But I don't have a lot of respect for someone that walks away from their child. I know it wasn't planned but unprotected sex can lead to this and the risks are known. And it is the woman's choise to keep the baby. Fatherhood can't be forced but it speaks about his character.

I don't think some (most) men that by 20 weeks, it's so physically a part of their body - you can get the sex of the baby, and even a death certificate if the baby passes. But since you got back together, he may have just blurted that request out, not knowing any better. That calling is shocking. And I'm sure he had to ask because he has chosen you as his life partner.

As crappy as this situation can be - it doesn't have to be. Make lemonade out of it, because this baby is here and coming.

When my hubby found out his dad wasn't his actual dad at 27!!! and met him that year, he was jarring. He never knew about him. And he had two daughters with his now wife. The wife couldn't have snub us, and the sisters could have been PO'ed, but wow, they love us so much, and we love them so much, and my kids love them so much and vice versa. The wife has no blood relation to my hubby, but she is amazing, hands down, wonderful. I call her my MIL, and she is my kids' grandma.

Just take a some time to let things settle.