Asked for forgiveness and...

Hi Everyone, I'm new to this site and wanted to share my story with you and get some advice and maybe hear some of your own personal stories. I am an adult and I was best friends with a mom at my kids school for 3 years. We would hang out 2-3 times a week, our kids and husbands got along and we spent lot's of time together. We were very close and shared everything. We were also part of a bigger group of moms at the school - 7 in total. The group was a bit toxic and their were some secrets and a bit of gossiping and sometimes exclusions of others. As time when on I started getting closer to another mom from this group and my best friend didn't like it. She thought we were going out behind her back and hanging out without her but that was not our intention and we did invite her most times but she would always say no. I got the feeling that it was ok for her to hang out with these moms without me but it was not ok for me to hang out with any of them without her. She would also talk about all the women behind their backs and I started to get paranoid that she was doing the same about me.

 

That friendship group fell apart about 12mths ago. People took sides and it got messy. My best friend and I were drifting apart as well and I was getting even closer to that other mom and I was barely hanging out with my best friend. She tried to reach out to me and sent me this text about how I was sending her mixed messages and that I was being mean and I tried to smooth things out and get our friendship back on track and we did, but it lasted for about 2 weeks before things fell apart in a worst way. That's when she decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I really wish she would have just broken up with me in a text or something but the way she decided to not be my friend was to simply ignore me at the school grounds. I went up to her a couple of times and she would be very fake and actually walk away from me. So, I started ignoring her back. Months went by and we ran into each other outside the school a couple of times and she would just keep walking right past me with maybe a smile but no eye contact and no hello, both times we had our kids with us.

 

Realizing that I lost her and the way she was treating me broke my heart, I really missed her, I missed our friendship and also having a best friend. I realized that I loved her like a sister. I have this void in my heart without her. It felt like a relationship break up, actually, it felt worst. I've been emotionally suffering for 8mths missing her and I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

So, I let go of my pride and apologized for being a bad friend I put no blame on her and directed it at myself and what I believe I did wrong, such as pushing her away and not communicating, shutting her out etc. and I said I hope one day she might forgive me. I asked if she would be willing to meet up and discuss things. I put it in a text because she doesn't like confrontation and text is her preferred means of communication. I'm more face to face. She responded after 2 days. She said she 'appreciates' my apology and she doesn't want or need to meet up and rehash things. She said she is happy and focusing on true friendships now. In a nut shell, she basically said and thinks I betrayed her and was doing 'shady' things with the other mom, that I'm a superficial person and she hopes that I will appreciate true friends that come into my life in future. I responded to her text saying that I never betrayed her because her friendship meant so much to me and that I just retreated because I was hurt and was dealing with my own personal life. I never heard back from her after my message back.

 

I was kinda hoping for a Hollywood ending that maybe we could at least speak again. I know things will never be the same but I thought we could maybe rebuild our friendship slowly. Instead nothing has changed. She is still ignoring (avoiding) me at school (we have not come face to face) and she didn't want to meet up and make amends.

 

I really am at a loss. I'm going to have to see this woman for another 3 years. I don't think I'm strong enough. How could she be so heartless and not accept my sincere apology? She is also not innocent in all this. It takes two to make or break a relationship!

 

Has anyone gone through something like this? Does anyone have any advice? I have never gone through anything like this not even when I was in high school.

Are you in love with this woman?

If it was a real friendship this would not have happened. REAL friendships survive EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Real friends don't suspect that their best friend talks bad behind them behind their back. They KNOW it would not happen in a milion of years.

 

I have a lot of similar experiences. I also have a lot of experiences with friends.

 

Keep in mind real friendships are RARE. Very RARE.

In my opiniom a REAL friendship is treasure. That's why it's so hard to find. Most people go though their whole lives and never have a true friend. Not everyone is blessed with true friendships.

 

I have always been a good friend and did everything in my power for my friends, often only to find out that they weren't interested in doing the same for me.

 

I would just let this go if I were you; time will clear things..

 

Act normal, say hi when you have to and bye when you have to.

 

Don't look desperate or upset.

How could she be so heartless and not accept my sincere apology? She is also not innocent in all this. It takes two to make or break a relationship!

 

It takes two to make a relationship, and one to break it. You each have your perspectives, each are valid. She feels you broke the relationship, you feel she did. She feels you were heartless, you feel she now is being heartless. She feels you betrayed her and you won't accept that. Her feelings are true FOR HER. Yours are true FOR YOU. You get to decide how you choose to see this, what meaning you give to your actions, how you interpret hers, etc. But you don't get to decide those things for her. I would give her space, and let it go, and learn about yourself from this experience.

I'm with jman, do you feel something more for this woman?

 

I mean, you have kids, so I assume their father is in your life...your "best friends" should be your family. A friendship with this amount of closeness, to the point that you feel this upset, is bizarre to me.

 

The whole friends group of 7 women who exclude people, gossip, etc sounds juvenile. Like a click in 8th grade or something. And you're putting your children in an awkward position.

 

This whole situation to me is just weird. Make friends who aren't involved with your children's school. Make friends who don't gossip and attract drama. Make friends who don't guilt trip you for having other friends. And make sure you aren't doing any of these things as well.

I don't think it's abnormal to feel this way about a friendship. Especially one you thought was true.

 

Everyone has their own place. A husband will be a husband and a friend also. A kid will be a kid and a friend a friend. Neither one can replace the other.

 

There are things you need to talk about with a friend that maybe you don't want to or need to talk about with your husband.

 

We are social creatures we need friends. A person sometimes needs to get away from the kids and the husband to a ladies night out. Just like you need to get away from your friends sometimes and spent time with your family.

 

Friends have always been a very important factor in my life.

 

Bur...where there is gossip and lack of trust there is no friendship. At least not a true one.

The whole friends group of 7 women who exclude people, gossip, etc sounds juvenile. Like a click in 8th grade or something. And you're putting your children in an awkward position.

 

This whole situation to me is just weird. Make friends who aren't involved with your children's school. Make friends who don't gossip and attract drama. Make friends who don't guilt trip you for having other friends. And make sure you aren't doing any of these things as well.

 

I agree with this part..

Everyone has their own place. A husband will be a husband and a friend also. A kid will be a kid and a friend a friend. Neither one can replace the other.

Precisely. Everyone does have their own place. And the beautiful thing about friendships is that you can have as many of them as you'd like to. I wouldn't consider it a requirement of a "true friendship" for there to be some huge emotional investment or for that friend to serve as a "one stop shop" of sorts.

 

Personally, I have a lot of friends. I certainly hope they're real. That's probably a medical issue if not. But I operate under the understanding that we're not in a committed relationship. None of us owe each other anything. We all voluntarily bring what we want to the table. I've got friends I play football at the park with. I've got friends I shoot the **** with. If I'm not getting enough of something I want from them, I go to another, or I find more, or learn how to be content myself with it.

 

I mean more power to you if you do want that Gorilla Glue bond, but to me, especially if you've got a romantic partner to navigate emotional and logistical hurdles with as it is, seeking out friends who rival that dynamic simply sounds like all the stress of polygamy without the benefit of sex. I think the unfortunately common enough standard of a more or less monogamous friendship causes a whole lot more harm and stress than benefit. And I definitely don't think it should be the criteria for a friendship to be "real."

To be honest this all sounds very silly and incredibly childish. From the way you describe it your best friend is at fault and acted in a petty way. However in my opinion, the way you speak and feel about the situation implies that you also are immature and overly dramatic.

 

l also got that feeling initially that jman did, that you love her as more than a friend?

If you hadn't emphasized the fact that this was a group of moms and you were at your kids' school, I would have gone into this with the idea that you were a bunch of eighth graders moving into high school.

 

Your ex-bestie has some major self-esteem issues if she just assumes you were talking about her behind her back and being shady...unless you were. Also, you were in a clique, and I've never seen one last more than a few months because girls/women who clique up like that can't help but start backstabbing at some point.

 

I'm so sorry this happened, but just make new friends and move on with your life.

And the beautiful thing about friendships is that you can have as many of them as you'd like to. I wouldn't consider it a requirement of a "true friendship" for there to be some huge emotional investment or for that friend to serve as a "one stop shop" of sorts.

 

I think the unfortunately common enough standard of a more or less monogamous friendship causes a whole lot more harm and stress than benefit. And I definitely don't think it should be the criteria for a friendship to be "real."

 

I agree with this part.

A friendship does not have to be monogamous in order to be real.

 

You can have MANY friends and with each one have a differend kind of bond.

 

People misunderstand friendships.

 

Controlling behavior does not equal true friendship !

 

Controlling behavior in friendships or in relationships has more to do with deep inside insecurities coming from the controlling person. It has to do more with themselves than with the other person they attempt to control.

Sounds like you are all back in junior high. You said your peace. Now let her be. And don't let this catty mom's group take it out on eacother's kids. Kids get invited or not invited to parties based on how their moms get along, not based on what goes on during the school day - but i am sure you have figured that out by now. Next time you "make friends" treat people as individual friends and don't get sucked into a "mom group"

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this post and give me some advice and some of your thoughts on the matter. I truly appreciate all your responses.

 

I know that the way I felt about her was not healthy. I think I probably was in love with her. I never thought about sleeping with her though. Too much drama on both our parts and so much hurt on my part. It hurts to know this was not a true friendship. Time will hopefully heal the way I feel.

 

Thanks again everyone.

You did your part, and it was smart. Now you can freely cross paths with old friend without fearing a confrontation. I'd just adopt a convenient case of amnesia about the past and treat her as kindly and as cheerfully as you would a stranger--and that's that.

 

I also wouldn't glamorize your past with the woman--she was always bad news, and you're fortunate to be able to relegate her to an acquaintance. She was jealous, suspicious and badmouthed people, which renders her arm's-length material regardless of whether that choice is hers or yours.

 

Mature adults form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs, and each will have their limits. A tennis friend may be terrible at conversation, a movie or shopping friend may not share your politics, and a friend with whom you share confidences may hate crowds and not attend events or parties with you.

 

The days of creating a cocoon around one best friend are over--at least for healthy people. As kids we were blank slates and could homogenize that way, but as adults we are more solidified in our personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's a GOOD thing, because you can see how replicating a childlike bestie turned out--it was regressive and devolved into the kind of jealousy and fighting that KIDS do.

 

Skip that, and form more friendships outside of that group. Consider it a growth experience and leave the messy sandbox behind.

 

Head high.

I know that the way I felt about her was not healthy. I think I probably was in love with her.

 

Wow. What happend to loving a friend as a friend. You can love a friend and not be in love with her...

 

Like having a loving feeling towards a friend because she is your friend not loving her as in romantically feeling love for her.

 

There were times I lost friends and I felt this awful because I would miss the things we would do together or the places we would go together or the secrets we kept. But I never thought I was "in love" with them ...

 

Anyway you shouldn't fall in love with your friends...this is another reason for you to forget about this whole thing. Good luck.

Wow. What happend to loving a friend as a friend. You can love a friend and not be in love with her....

 

Hi Loralora, maybe I used the wrong wording here. I loved her like a soul sister I never wanted to get romantically involved. We seemed to get each other and connected very easily, had the same values, similar upbringing etc. I miss parts of the friendship, the great times we had together and having a girlfriend I could count on.

 

I am a very private person and I'm not the type that will let just anyone into my life. I don't use the word friend lightly and the word best friend I've only used one other time with my highschool friend who I'm still in touch with but we live on opposite sides of the world. Most people I know are just acquaintances to me. I have many acquaintances, only 3 women that I would call my 'friends'. I let her completely into my heart, she became the sister I never had, she and her family became like my family and vice a versa. Maybe that was the problem...

 

If she can't forgive me when I said I'm sorry, doesn't want to talk things out and is still avoiding me then their is really nothing more I can do. It's been 8 months so I thought she would have been open to a reconciliation to at least be amicable towards each other. We have another 3 years at the school together. It's very hard for me to be ignored and snubbed by someone that I held very dear to me.

 

I'm trying to let her go. It's a work in progress and I have my good days and I also have my bad ones.

 

Thanks again everyone.