Very messed up family situation with my brother + his upcoming wedding

Sit tight because there's a lot to set up.

I'm 27, my brother's 34, and we still live with our parents. Yikes, I know. His fiancee has lived with us for 8 years. One day she just decided to move in, and my parents never said anything or charged her rent, because they're generous to the point of being push-overs.

She is spoiled, entitled, and a total diva. She berates my parents for not taking care of her dog well enough when she's at work (for example, they sometimes let her outside for longer than she would like the dog to be outside). She constantly yells at me and my mom if something is deleted from the DVR. She'll send us endless texts at all hours of the night if she discovers something missing. I tell her to shut up about it, but my mom--even when she's privately infuriated and vents to me about what kind of person moves into someone else's house, lives rent-free, takes food, leaves her dog for my parents to care for, and still has the nerve to complain?--appeases her, tells her "Every Sunday, we'll get together and go over the stuff to delete, OK?" And every time she reaches out, my brother's fiancee will whine and say she's "napping" (at two in the afternoon). I'm not allowed to park in the driveway because she needs to park in the driveway. She never lifts a finger around the house, never contributes a dime to my family, just takes and takes and takes and expects more. And I was nice to her for a very long time, and I even defended her to a lot of family members up to a point. That's over.

My brother? He deserves her. He's a monster who thinks he's a saint. He calls my mom while she's at work every day to complain about something--usually about me and what I'm eating or what I'm watching on TV or how I'm staying out of the house too late and he's "worried"--to the point of her having breakdowns at work. She's told him to stop, but he won't. He belittles everyone because he thinks he's smart and caring, but he's not: he's arrogant and controlling. He also has a very violent past. He used to punch holes in the wall whenever he didn't get what he wanted. My house is filled with pictures that cover the holes in the wall. I can't even go into detail about the things he did to our family growing up or the effect it had on my mother and me. It would be one thing if he changed since those days, but he hasn't. I can hear him and his fiancee yell at each other all the time, and I can hear him throw her things against the wall when he's particularly mad. He's a tremendous, physically imposing guy.

(Side story: One time, when he was 13 and I was 6, he threatened to kill our family dog, who was the most important thing to me. I called the police, and the police came to the house. They didn't do anything other than deescalate the situation but to this day, my parents blame me for calling the cops, at six year old, and say that it's my fault he turned out the way he did. But I figure if you're throwing a tantrum and about to take a knife to the family dog, you were already pretty rotten.)

There is no way in the world he's not going to turn full-out abusive to his wife, and a while ago I took her aside and tried to explain that there are reasons I don't like my brother, and that she should be careful of him. In turn she started badmouthing me to my mother and my brother and calling me evil and twisted.

I have my own issues, too. I'm temperamental and I get angry and I'm not very nice, but for some reason everyone else in my family is forgiven for all those flaws on a much grander scale, and I'm not. I'm tired of being the villain of my family, I resent my brother, I hate my brother and always will. But I don't go out of my way to pick fights with him and I generally try to ignore them. I also can look at myself and say "These are my flaws, these are problems I need to work on." My brother just blames everything on someone else.

Anyway, I found out that my brother's fiancee has still been talking crap about me to my mother, even though I haven't done anything to her or said anything to her in ages. And I texted (because they're not approachable) "I'm not going to your wedding, hope that's OK, I'm sure you're relieved."

My mom got very upset and begged me to make amends, and I said Why do I always have to be the one to reach out? Why am I the only one who gets blamed for anything? Fiancee has never made herself approachable to make amends to. I don't want to go to the wedding. They'll monitor everything I eat and drink, they'll judge my dress, and they'll complain to my mother about everything I do. I kind of want to see what an $80,000 wedding looks like--but it's not worth it to me.

But my mother begged me to reach out so I said OK, we should talk like adults, I've wanted to talk this out for a while but my brother is very stubborn and doesn't like listening to other people. So my brother texted back, calling me abusive and toxic, saying that I destroyed the family, and he wants nothing more to do with me. My brother's fiancee, at first, said she'd be willing to talk, but two seconds later changed her mind and said the same things my brother said, big surprise.

I texted my brother "You're just as bad to mom as I am. Don't act like you're blameless." So he ran upstairs and started yelling at me and mother, and he started saying stuff about me to hurt me. So I told him there's no way his marriage is going to last more than 2 years, which is what everyone else in my family says, too, and I shouldn't have said it to my face but he was saying stuff that's just as bad.

So as of now I'm uninvited to the wedding that I told them I'm not going to.

The thing is, my brother is very family oriented in a tribal sort of way, and there's a chance I might get un-uninvited, especially if my mom begs him. I still wouldn't go, but my mom might pressure me to. I hate my brother very, very deeply for what I feel are valid reasons but no one else considers them valid. And yes, I do plan on moving out within the next few months. The only reason I haven't is that I live and work in an area where the financial costs of moving out outweigh the emotional costs of staying at home but I hate dealing with this emotional baggage. I resent my whole family, and I can't let go.

I need to read this one more time with more time, but the first thing that comes to my mind is yes, you really need to get out of that house and toxic environment. You being there is only destroying you. Yes, there will be financial costs and difficulties, but it's absolutely necessary for your independence, well being and for your future. You don't want to become like them. This is utterly dysfunctional and your brother and fiancee seem very abusive, to a point where I think that everyone there needs intensive therapy. Just by reading through this I feel aggravated. However you can't control them or make them change so you have to start by yourself. When you're more financially stable maybe it'd be better to address these situations with a therapist.

Family is family, but sometimes we need to realize that we can't choose them and that when we have the age, independence and means, we absolutely need to step back from toxic family members... at least until we are truly mentally stable and collected to attend family functions without having a breakdown. And also at least until we accept that this is who they are and there's nothing we can do about it.

Fully agree, Annia.

Get out of this dynamic as soon as you can. Tomorrow would be ideal.

What you describe is toxicity at its finest.

None of this would be an issue for you had you moved out on your own when whuturname moved in. Her treatment of your parents is between them and her--they're adults and can decide who lives in their home--or not. Whether they choose the option you would want for them is irrelevant.

So, there's no time like the present: find an apartment or a room in a boarding house and launch yourself.

I wouldn't turn this into a punitive action toward your family--that only makes it all harder on you. Instead, I'd celebrate it as an accomplishment and invite Mom and Dad to help you decorate and see them for brunch every other Sunday or something. This may make them more inclined to remain helpful to you while you can enjoy your relationship with them unencumbered by their household decisions.

I'd consider the wedding irrelevant--they've been together 8 years. You might be more inclined to patch up your relationship with brother after you no longer live with him.

Head high.