found a house to buy near him, but he flipped out

background: we're engaged. We live 3 hours apart. I have the flexibility to move out where he lives. He's not out to his parents but he is everywhere else.

I started looking at houses to buy, and I found one. I was really excited about this one and absolutely love it. I went to go see him at work after (he invited me, he is a split bartender/manager) and I start talking to him about it. He knew I was going to see it today.

I started talking to him about it, about how much I liked it and it could be a great place for us, and instead of being excited and happy that his fiance found a really cool place to put an offer on, he instead started getting mad at me for not using his dad as my buyers agent. He's not out to his parents. I haven't met his parents. Every time I've asked about meeting his parents he tells me about having huge anxiety and starts having a panic attack.

So, instead of being happy, and excited for us, his first reaction was instead to about not using his dad as my buyers agent.

Since we got engaged things have been getting worse. He's becoming more and more of an to me.

I'm getting closer to being done. This is stupid. I deserve better.

Do you honestly think things will get better once you're married?

They won't. They'll get worse.

The marriage ceremony isn't some magic spell that will instantly resolve all conflicts and make your relationship one of mutual respect and caring and a guarantee that you will both treat each other well. It's a marriage ceremony, not a personality transplant.

A friend of mine was in a somewhat similar situation. She was involved with a woman who insisted that once they finally lived together, she'd stop picking on her for every little thing and their lives would be perfect. Well, they finally did move in together and got married. All the marriage ceremony did was give her now wife even more ammo to use against her; instead of threatening to break up over every little thing she was dissatisfied with, her wife now threatens divorce. Their relationship is even more of a nightmare because her wife insists that a "real spouse" would do this and that for her, and that she should just divorce her and find someone else. My friend is constantly on pins and needles, wondering what it is that her wife will get mad about and threaten divorce over next.

It's an awful way to live.

You are engaged but he hasn't come out to his parents/family yet? Have you set a date?

Oh hun, not a good sign.

Are you better off than him financially? does he see you as a provider? not that this means anything, I am just trying to understand the dynamics.

I would not buy anything until he has "come out" fully. Could being engaged be him committing but not fully committing if you understand what I mean?

IMHO hold off any purchases.

I agree with both posts above. This is just the tip of the iceberg (imo). He is not out to his parents. He has not disclosed that he is engaged either. This means he will never disclose he is married. You will forever be a secret. Doesn't sound like an awesome happy way of living, imo.

Why so secretive?

And you're engaged already to this guy, why?

😐

He has some major personal issues. He needs to help himself before entering a relationship. The one who suffers because of his lack of self development, is YOU.

Sounds like the closer you get, the worse he gets. He's not ready. He may never be ready. That doesn't make him a villain, but where does that leave you?

I'd tell him that I adore him, and I can picture the two of us together in the future, but that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he wants to try a fully out relationship, and he's already come out to his parents, then he can let me know and we'll meet to catch up. Short of that, I wish him the best.

Unfortunately, some people are best loved from far away unless and until they can work out their own stuff. We can't 'help' them to do that--it's a solo job.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

You are engaged but he hasn't come out to his parents/family yet? Have you set a date?

 

Oh hun, not a good sign.

 

Are you better off than him financially? does he see you as a provider? not that this means anything, I am just trying to understand the dynamics.

 

I would not buy anything until he has "come out" fully. Could being engaged be him committing but not fully committing if you understand what I mean?

 

IMHO hold off any purchases.

We've not set a date yet, only have been engaged for about a month.

Yes, I am much more financially established and flexible. I would be worried about that more but he had no idea just how much more I made/have until a few months in. He has a stable job and income managing a busy restaurant, he just makes a lot less and has a lot of student loan debt.

I proposed to him when I did because he had made several comments about him finding an engagement ring that he wanted to buy for me. I took the next step early and asked him myself.

He also made comments about wanting to get married earlier in the relationship, before he knew how well off I am. It was kind of a big surprise to him.

Anyway, we had a long talk last night. We did the "imago dialog" for the first time... figured out that what he was really mad about was that he felt left out of the process. He wanted to see the places with me (I assumed he didn't) and figure it all out together, he felt that I was just running with it without him.

In regards to coming out... he's pretty sure that his parents won't accept him and it will create a massive mess. He said he's worried that he'll come out, but then our relationship won't work out, and then he'll be alone without the rest of his family.

Sounds like the closer you get, the worse he gets. He's not ready. He may never be ready. That doesn't make him a villain, but where does that leave you?

 

I'd tell him that I adore him, and I can picture the two of us together in the future, but that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he wants to try a fully out relationship, and he's already come out to his parents, then he can let me know and we'll meet to catch up. Short of that, I wish him the best.

 

Unfortunately, some people are best loved from far away unless and until they can work out their own stuff. We can't 'help' them to do that--it's a solo job.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

He doesn't deal with change well at all. And the closer we get, the closer we are to major life changes for him. The only thing I can really do is give him time and let him figure it out. We both have bad tempers though, that's been a challenge.

 

In regards to coming out... he's pretty sure that his parents won't accept him and it will create a massive mess. He said he's worried that he'll come out, but then our relationship won't work out, and then he'll be alone without the rest of his family.

Uhhh, that would not give me much confidence in my engagement.

So does he plan to marry and live with you and not tell his family??

Liraele and Boltnrun have a point.

Are you sure the tete a tete was 100% honest? How do you move forward if his parents wont accept this... regardless, if you live together they will find out. He will need to bite the bullet eventually.

In case the OP doesn't get it, but the general answer from everyone so far is: He's a boy not a man, why are you engaged to him?

He grows up and changes or the relationship is going to continue to destination: Cliff Drop.

That is that.

You have to communicate with him about his own feelings, because what he is saying is contradictory; him not inviting you to meet his parents but at the same time wanting you to has dad as an agent. If he has difficulty communicating what he wants to you or people relative to him, it is not a deal breaker but you have to be clear about what you want from him. Obviously, you have to address him introducing you to his parents and this talk should had been done earlier or while you are talking about the engagement.

Basically, talk to each other.

We've not set a date yet, only have been engaged for about a month.

 

Yes, I am much more financially established and flexible. I would be worried about that more but he had no idea just how much more I made/have until a few months in. He has a stable job and income managing a busy restaurant, he just makes a lot less and has a lot of student loan debt.

 

I proposed to him when I did because he had made several comments about him finding an engagement ring that he wanted to buy for me. I took the next step early and asked him myself.

 

He also made comments about wanting to get married earlier in the relationship, before he knew how well off I am. It was kind of a big surprise to him.

 

Anyway, we had a long talk last night. We did the "imago dialog" for the first time... figured out that what he was really mad about was that he felt left out of the process. He wanted to see the places with me (I assumed he didn't) and figure it all out together, he felt that I was just running with it without him.

 

In regards to coming out... he's pretty sure that his parents won't accept him and it will create a massive mess. He said he's worried that he'll come out, but then our relationship won't work out, and then he'll be alone without the rest of his family.

Then he has to choose between you or his family. I don't see other compromise, unless his family accept him and you with him.