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Can't seem to stop thinking about (emotionally abusive?) ex.


Findingnemo94

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Ok so long story, but im struggling. I ended up dating someone I met online for around 4-5 months. It was a long distance (sort of relationship) whatever it was however, every time we agreed to meet up I somehow ended up driving or flying there to meet him. On the first ever date he was extrmeley affectionate, held my hand and even asked to be 'exclusive'. He also spoke about marriage, kids, holidays together (to places like australia and america) in the future and offered to pay for me as I am still at university. Then he started to promise that he would buy me things and send me links to clothes I wanted. He even purchased flights for me to fly over to see him. We spoke on the phone/facetime every weekend and most nights for hours. Im not sure whether this is important but he would VERY RARLEY talk about sex. Sometimes when I sent him pictures he wouldnt even respond to me and then respond the next day with something completley unrelated to the photographs like 'have a good day' or something, which confused me a lot.

 

Then, I started to notice little things that would start to irritate me such as him ignoring my messages for days at a time, not really being supportive for things like exams and job interviews (not saying good luck etc, just being silent), ignoring my phone calls when I was upset and wanted to talk about something. However, when he wanted to talk he would send me a number of messages such as 'oi', or 'i'll call you tonight' or 'i'll call you tomorrow'. Not giving me any indiciation or any choice in the matter. He asked me to fly over on a very specific date and being the idiot I was, was very excited, got my hair done, new clothes etc and agreed and went over there.

 

Got to the airport to board the flight. I didnt hear ANYTHING from him until a minute before the flight took off. I got to the airport and he was late so I was stood waiting and wondering if he was even coming. He didnt even smile when he saw me and then threw a tantrum in the car park about the machine you need to pay on. He also seemed extremeley quiet and moody in the car as if something had irritated him. Before I got there he had promised to give me my presents that he had ordered me, and that he would take me out to see the local town and go for a double date with his best friend and his girlfriend. However, the reality was extremley different. He was rude to me, slept all day and wouldn't wake up when I tried to ask him to do something, when I did ask him to do something e.g. go out for dinner he just sulked and said he was 'tired' and wanted to stay in bed. Then he said he was 'tired' BECAUSE he had to get up early to pick me up from the aiport! (So he blamed me for his tiredness). He was also extrmely bossy and asked me to move my clothes from his chair several times and kept demanding that I shut the door. He knocked a cup of tea over on his worktop at one point and he went absolutley mental. from 0-60 in about 3 seconds, he opened his bedroom door and started throwing things out of the room, and at one point he raised his hand to pass me my phone charger and I flinched because I thought he was raising his hand to hit me (he may have been I can't even remember). He went storming out of the room and then came back 10 minutes later and started to hug and kiss me and act like nothing had happened. Then presumed to have sex with me. There were also no presents that he had 'promised' to buy (not that this bothers me, but why say it in the first place if you're not going to follow through with it'.

 

He was also extrmeley selfish in bed e.g. he would ejaculate and then roll over on his phone, even when I asked him to satisfy me he said 'there's something wrong with me' or simply REFUSED to and said that it 'doesn't do anything for him'. He would withhold affection when I tried to cuddle him in bed he would tell me to 'get off', but then would smother me with affection later on in the night and continually ask 'what's wrong'. His hot and cold behaviour threw me off so much I spent the majority of my time with him walking on egg shells and trying not to burst into tears. It was like he had 2 personalities which could switch in an instant.

 

He then asked me if it would be ok if i 'flew home early' (bearing in mind he's the one who asked me to go over there and paid for the flights). I agreed and just assumed the relationship was over. So I left, he was cold at the airport and didn't seem very chatty or interested in my presence at all. He sent me one text asking if i got home ok then didn't speak to me for 3 days so I assumed it was done. However, he then continued to communicate 'normally' with me a few days later saying things like 'hey how are you...good week? I'll call you on the weekend. Miss you xx'. WHAT THE . It eventually got to the point where I couldn't take this behaviour anymore so I decided to cut it off. I called him and told him we should leave it where it is and good luck with everything. He reacted extrmeley shocked and couldnt understand what had driven me to this decision. he asked if i had been cheating on him and was 'gutted' because he had every intention on taking our relationship to the next level in the next few weeks, i honestly hadn't, and that I am never to contact him again and he is going to 'dissapear' from social media and I will never see him again. he also said 'don't expect us to come back from this after you've said this, you need to understand the gravity of what you are saying right now', which scared me quite a bit. however, I stuck to my decision and never spoke to him since. This was around 10 days ago and I just feel like I can't move on and let go, I keep checking his social media. It's strange because I feel like I really really miss him, but I never want to be around him again because he was so horrible, unpredictable and selfish?

 

Will this feeling go away? Why was he like this? Why do I feel like I miss him?! Am i just missing the fake version of him I made up in my head because it was long distance?

Does anyone also have any tips to make myself feel better as pathetic as that sounds. I have been hanging out with friends and taking part in new sports and hobbies, but whenever I sit down by myself at night I find myself over analysing every single aspect of the relationship. I also keep having dreams that we are getting back together.

Any answers will be much appreciated. Thank you.

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You and he had built up a fantasy in your mind; he led you on, and your imagination filled in the gaps to create this all-giving, wonderful prince charming. In reality he is a selfish pig, and that's all you need to know.

 

You hit the nail on the head when you ask:

Am i just missing the fake version of him I made up in my head because it was long distance?

 

It can be quite difficult to let go of fantasies which fulfil our dreams, but once you can really take on board the fact that the person you were in love with DOES NOT EXIST, it gets much easier to let go, dust yourself off and chalk it down to experience. By the way, block him on social media and don't mess yourself up even more by checking up on him.

 

Good luck!

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Will this feeling go away?

 

Yes!

 

Why was he like this? Why do I feel like I miss him?! Am i just missing the fake version of him I made up in my head because it was long distance?

 

Yeah, I think you are missing the person you thought he was. Not the person he actually is. It will pass. He sounds terrible. If you weren't long distance you would have figured it out sooner. As for feeling better? It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It just takes time.

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You weren't dating. you met a guy online who was not capable of a local relationship and you flew to visit him for a sexual encounter and because you didn't really know eachother - it was awkward. There was no real relationship because it was based on his promises of buying you gifts. you proved that you could be bought. Is he a lot older than you? Next time be very wary of a stranger offering to shower you with gifts, and buying you the expensive gift of plane tickets. Also, if a guy talks about marrying you and going to Australia so early - warning. I can see talking about what you want in life - but he overdid it.

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The first paragraph was one big red flag: If someone, who you don't know, is stating they want a future, kids and marriage, exclusivity and offering many grand gifts, should be a big indicator that something is seriously off. This is not normal!!!! This should have rang many alarm bells for you!!!!

 

Clearly, his did not match his initial statements.

 

He sounds really awful. The later part is the real him. This is why it is wise to get to know who people are, before moving onto a relationship so quickly.

 

Time and busyness will help you move forward. I would also like to suggest baggagereclaim.com Helped me a great deal. Look up fast forwarding and fantasy relationships on the site.

 

You need to block him from social media.

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I'm sorry you went through this; good for you for being strong and breaking up with him sooner rather than later. Most people in your position would have held onto the fantasy but at least you saw through the lines soon enough and let it go. I really think you just miss him because there's an empty space in your life now that he had occupied, even if he was not a good guy, he took up so much of your headspace and thoughts that now it's just a very strange transition. Even though you broke up with him, you still need to go through all the break up stages (the emotions of loss, sadness, anger) until you reach acceptance.

 

Good luck and may your next relationship be wonderful!

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Thanks. I just found out through a mutual friend that he was still seeing his ex for a while when we began to see each other despite him asking for us to be exclusive. They were always friends on facebook and he did like a few of her posts but never thought anything of it. Now my mind is going crazy because I Know i can't do anything about it and I guess i'll never really know.

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